There is some language or violence that may not be appropriate for people under thirteen years of age.
For better or for worse, Total Drama Revolution is one of the more... well-known Total Drama fanfictions on this wiki. Now, the original author Toadgamer80 -- with some help from Manatee12 -- is here to completely reimagine everything about this controversial 2011 gem! Total Drama REVamped features the same 20 characters and setting, but new teams, different eliminations, and for the first time ever, actual plots. Join Chris McLean and a very... unusual cast of characters in Revolution City in a competition for $1,000,000!
Chapter 1 - The Canadian Revolution
“Hello, and welcome!” says Chris McLean, standing in front of a large skyscraper. Behind him is a cityscape featuring many other skyscrapers, as well as a highway with cars zooming about stretching both sides. “I’m here in Revolution City, where 20 all-new contestants are about to begin the most grueling game show in Canadian history! Last season, on Total Drama: Tiki Jungle, our 16 contestants battled it out on a volcanic island, with angry Julia beating annoying Arthur to be our second winner. Oh, and her money was stolen! Or at least attempted to be stolen. Poor guy, Trey, he’s going to be spending quite a while on that island… But anyway, if you thought LAST season was intense, get ready for this. We have a whole new cast, with plenty of… interesting characters, arriving here in a second to begin their competition for 1 million bucks, right here on Total… Drama… Revolution!”
A large bus pulls up next to Chris and Chef Hatchet, who is now lurking menacingly behind Chris, and the doors open.
“Oh, here’s our first contestant!” says Chris.
A young-looking, extremely short boy wearing a shirt with a purple “T” on it steps out of the bus.
“Hey, where’s the bathroom? I gotta poo,” he says in an incredibly high voice.
“Oh, hello, little boy!” says Chris. “You must be in the wrong place. See, this is Total Drama, and all our contestants are 16 and up. So hang tight for a sec and let me just get you a tasty cookie and some coloring books, and…”
“I’m a contestant!” the boy shouts angrily. “I’m twelve-and-a-half years old and my name is Toad Gamereighty! I talked to THAT guy on the phone,” he motions to Chef, “and he said I could compete. I’m gonna be the youngest contestant ever!”
“Uh, Chef…” says Chris, gritting his teeth but still attempting to flash a TV-worthy smile. “We’re going to have a little… talk once this episode’s over…”
“Yeah, uh, whatever y’ say, Chris,” says Chef, beginning to sweat.
“So can I stay or not?” says Toad.
“Yeah, fine,” says Chris grumpily, right as another bus pulls up. “Oh, here’s our next contestant! Everybody, say hello to Northworth!”
“You only live once! That’s my motto!” yells a boy who is almost as short as Toad. He has a comically long torso, small legs covered by blue pajama pants, thick eyebrows, a scar under his left eye, and prominent ears, and is folding his arms in an attempt to seem tough.
“Northworth?” says Toad, trying to hold in hysterical laughter.
“What was that, jinglebrains?” he says, immediately running up to Toad. “You better watch what you say, or I’ll give you a Texas wedgie.” He smiles widely.
“Nah, guy, I just… I think your name is totally cool and anyone who has it is NOT a fool!” says Toad.
“Whatever, bruh,” says Northworth. “You’re on thin ice right now. I’m watching you. One misstep and your drawers will be headed straight to Texas.”
A leggy blonde walks out of the bus. She’s wearing a maroon t-shirt, dark blue jeans, and a ruby necklace. After glancing at the bickering Toad and Northworth, she awkwardly walks over to Chris.
“Hello there! You’re the host, right? I’m MacKenzie,” she says cheerfully.
“Yes! Ladies and gentlemen…” begins Chris. “I mean, only gentlemen because we just got our first lady, but anyway, this is MacKenzie!”
Toad shuffles over to MacKenzie, his eyes lining up with her chest, and begins to stare. “Hey lady, you’re hot.”
“Aw, thank you!” says MacKenzie. “You’re pretty cute too.” Toad’s eyes widen. “Yeah, you remind me of my puppy. He’s a Great Dane, so he’s pretty tall, but he’s so adorable!” Toad grumbles something under his breath.
“MacKenzie, it says here that you joined this show to get yourself away from…” says Chris, checking a pad of paper. “Severe emotional trauma. Wow, that sounds fun.”
“Ha! Chris, you’re in luck! This ninnyhammer right here is gonna experience severe emotional trauma once his pants are wedgified,” says Northworth. “Swag!”
MacKenzie looks uncomfortable. “Uh, Chris, I thought nobody was going to view those forms…”
“Nobody but me, that is,” says Chris.
He and Chef giggle to each other as a tall man with a purple button-down shirt, a toque depicting the American flag, and a soul patch walks out of the bus.
“Salutations, everyone. The weather is just wonderful today, is it not? My name is Dolph,” he says in a British accent. “Now remember, kids, teasing is wrong.”
An overweight, auburn-haired girl with glasses walks out of the bus and straight into Dolph’s back, and he jumps forward and yowls in pain.
“YOWZA!” yells Dolph. “Watch where you’re going, you myopic manatee!”
“...” she says, slinking back into the bus.
“B-b-but didn’t you say teasing was wrong?” asks MacKenzie, with a bewildered look on her face.
“Eh, yeah, I say many things,” shrugs Dolph.
Chris takes out the same pad of paper he examined while talking to MacKenzie. “Dolph, it says here that you’re the editor of your school’s newspaper, known for your column where you dispense sage advice about the world. Any truth to that?”
“Oh, yes,” says Dolph. “See, I get letters from all sorts of wonderful students. You know, I thought MY life was bottom-of-the-barrel, but these blokes truly test my patience.”
“Well, all this talking is testing patience, so let’s move onto the next contestant!” says Chris. Before he can finish, a black-haired girl falls out of the bus and slumps onto the ground, unconscious.
“Oh my gosh, is she okay? Chris, can’t you call 911?!” exclaims MacKenzie.
Another girl runs out of the bus soon after. This girl has short blonde hair, a tank top adorned with multicolored peace signs, and neon green sunglasses.
“Nobody move or do anything! I’m certified in CPR and lifeguarding, I can help her!” she says, rushing to the fainted girl and taking items out of her backpack. “Okay, don’t worry, you’ll be conscious soon…”
“Hehehe, she’s about to give her mouth-to-mouth,” says Toad.
“Dude, that’s hot,” says Northworth in response.
The blonde-haired girl kneels over the fainted girl, ready to perform a medical procedure, but the other girl wakes up just in time. “Whaaaaa? Where am I?”
“Suuuuh, duuuudes?” Tasia asks, getting up from the ground. “Maaan, I’m tired. That bus ride took sooooo much outta me…”
“Uh, it was only 20 minutes long,” says Mattie. “But regardless, I’m glad you’re okay! That was terrifying. Back at my summer camp, I got into situations like that all the time.”
Mattie turns around to see Toad poking her butt.
“Hey lady, I was just wondering if you were gonna kiss that other girl as part of your CPR or something. Can you still do it?” he asks.
“Naaaaah, maaaan, I don’t swing that waaaay…” says Tasia. “Actually, sometimes, buuuut…”
Mattie slaps her head. “I’m not even going to respond to that. Are you twelve? You remind me of one of my campers.”
“...Yes, actually!” says Toad in a huff. “What, I haven’t gone through enough puberty for you?”
“Oh, my poor child,” says Dolph, patting Toad’s back. “You’ll learn one day.”
An odd-looking lanky boy with long brown hair jumps out of the bus in a monkey-like fashion. “Have you seen my cucumber?!” he shrieks.
“I have not, Kavren,” says Chris with a slight smirk. “I’m sure MacKenzie has, though!”
Kavren jumps over to MacKenzie. “Have you seen my cucumber?” he repeats. “It’s very long and thin. It likes to run away from me. Where is it hiding in?” He winks.
“Uh…” says MacKenzie, with a look of horror. “I don’t know! Ask that guy!” She points to Northworth, who raises an eyebrow.
“Hey there, Mr. Pickle,” says Kavren, walking over to Northworth.
“What are you yakking on about, simple-suds?” says Northworth curtly.
“Simple-suds?! THANK YOU!” yells Kavren, thrusting a fist into the air. A single tear drops from his eye, which attracts many concerned glances.
Northworth is shown in the usual bathroom confessional. “Y’know, I think I might’ve just made that guy’s entire life worth living. Maybe he can be a good minion… Har har har!”
Kavren is shown in the confessional next. “I’m not too popular at school. People don’t really think my brand of humor is that appealing. It’s a bummer, but I’m sure these guys are totally gonna appreciate me! I’m one step closer to being the King of Komedy!”
The next contestant to arrive is a gorgeous girl with strawberry blonde hair, wearing a fancy red shirt with frills. “Hi, I suppose,” she says.
“Not too shabby, eh?” says Chris. “Say hello to Abb--”
He is interrupted by Kavren, who jumps over to Abbey and immediately says, “Howdy doody! You’re a class-A cutie!”
Abbey raises a finger intensely. “Who are you and why are you so close to me?! I need you to step at least five feet away, or I’ll kick your pancreas straight out of your body!”
“Bloop!” says Kavren, running away and jumping into Dolph’s arms. Dolph squeezes the pressure point on Kavren’s neck, causing him to faint.
“Violence is never the answer!” yells Dolph.
Mattie walks over to Abbey. “Wow, I’m sorry about that, some of these kids are mentally stuck in middle school. I’m Mattie, by the way.”
“Abbey,” says Abbey, smiling. “I didn’t think I could ever want a boyfriend LESS than I did before I joined this show, but I guess I was just proven wrong.”
“Maaaan, lots of things are wrong with this world,” says Tasia, who’s on the ground again, and Abbey looks at her quizzically.
The overweight, bespectacled girl from earlier walks out of the bus silently, and sets her suitcase on the ground.
“Okay, now THAT was your cue,” says Chris. “Guys, meet PJ.”
“...” says PJ.
“Whooooooa…” says Tasia, crawling up to PJ. “Those glasses… they’re like a portal to another realm, maaaan.”
“...” says PJ once again, before picking up her suitcase and moving far away from Tasia.
“Easy 2/10, man,” says Northworth to Dolph. “Only thing I’d smash her with is a 10-foot pole.”
PJ is shown in the confessional, staring silently into space. “...I’m doomed,” she says softly.
A tall boy with dark skin, long brown hair, and an odd shirt that proclaims his hatred of the color green walks out of the bus, and says, “Hello everyone! Greetings, Mr. McLean! I’m so happy to be here!”
“Take notes, everyone,” says Chris to the others. “Anyway, this class act is Ori!”
“What’s that short for, Orianna?” Northworth scoffs.
“Actually, yes!” says Ori. “I was named after my grandmother. She is an incredibly sweet woman.”
“You’re telling me your name is…” says Northworth, getting teary. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Ori stares at Northworth, with a blank smile plastered on his face. One of his eyes twitches slightly.
“Hey, doodle, it’s all good,” says Kavren, placing an arm around Ori’s shoulder. “Your name reminds me of Oreos, which are super yummy.”
Ori wriggles out of Kavren’s grasp, kneels down, and then assumes the fetal position.
“I’m sorry, Ori, you seem lovely. My name is MacKenzie, it’s really nice to meet you!” says MacKenzie, walking over to Ori. After no response, she turns to Kavren. “See what you did to him?!”
“Soy beans,” shrugs Kavren.
“Ugh, all boys are the same,” mutters Abbey.
“I guess that would make Ori a girl then, wouldn’t it?” asks Dolph.
“Haw! Sick burn, my mans! That wouldn’t surprise me,” says Northworth.
“SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU @#$%!” yells a loud, booming voice from somewhere.
Mattie flinches. “That language is definitely not camp-appropriate,” she says. “But where did it come from? I bet it was that guy.”
She points to a newly arrived man, who has a very intimidating-looking appearance due to his tall frame, substantial girth, and multiple piercings.
“‘Ey, wasn’t me,” he says in a thick Italian accent. “Ciao, I’m Gustavo. Whatchu guys doin’?”
“Your mom!” says Toad, chuckling at what he thinks is an amazing comeback.
Gustavo glides over to Toad. “Ey, punk, you betta watch your mouf! I can kick you to the motherland and back!”
“Finally, someone who knows what’s up! He’s the worst!” agrees Northworth.
Gustavo then moves over to Northworth, looming over him intimidatingly. “What are you laughin’ at, pipsqueak? My beatings aren’t just exclusive to that guy!”
“Duuuude, your voice makes me crave some spaghetti…” says Tasia.
“Y’know, I give up,” says Gustavo, breathing heavily.
An incredibly tall, tanned, and attractive girl walks out of the bus, carrying multiple pastel-colored suitcases as well as a notebook, which she seems to be jotting down notes furiously in.
“I’m here, everyone can hold the applause,” she says. “Okay, let’s just get right down to it, shall we? I’ll start off with Blondie over here.” She glides over to MacKenzie. “You know, you really do have the potential to be cute, but you gotta love yourself, gurl. I can see the awkwardness emanating from your eyes. You gotta believe in your heart that you’re fab, and then you WILL achieve fabitude. Trust me, I’m only trying to help.”
“Thanks, I guess?” says MacKenzie.
“What nonsense are you blabbering on about?” asks Dolph.
“Nonsense?! This is the all-seeing popularity meter, honey. It’s basically the one true measure of how successful of a human being you are,” says the girl.
Dolph frowns. “Popularity is for vapid, self-absorbed simpletons. I bet you wear push-up bras and force yourself to puke after every meal as well.”
“Ew, no,” she says. “Push-up bras are so out of style. Anyway, I’m Chelsey. I’m sure you’ve heard of me before.”
“Hello!” says Ori, who is out of the fetal position. “Your scarf is simply gorgeous. Where can I buy something like that?”
“Um, I’ll tell you once you ditch the graphic tee and start dressing in a way that compliments your body,” Chelsey says. “You have sooo much potential, but it’s all just wasted away! Try a man-bun. It’s a perfect example of the three Ss - simple, stylish, and sexy!”
“AAAAUGH!” screeches Ori. After some stares, he clears his throat. “S-s-sorry about that, I really am. I’ve got quite the chest cold.” Nobody says anything.
“Wow, you really are sexy,” says Toad, walking over to Chelsey. “Wanna go out with me?”
“Ew, no,” says Chelsey. “But you can carry my bags! Almost as good, right?!” She throws her massive suitcases onto Toad, who crumples onto the ground.
A slightly curvy, shy-looking girl with brown hair and a strange shirt depicting a dinosaur in a rapper’s outfit walks out of the bus, and after scanning the crowd, instantly runs over to Kavren. “Oh my gosh! LOLcats!”
“Uh, Cammy, thanks for giving us enough time to properly introduce you,” says Chris sarcastically.
“Holy mayonnaise,” says Kavren. “You’re a dank memer too? The only thing that could make you even better is if you’ve played Billy Bongo and the Banana Brothers: The Game over six and a half times!”
“That’s one of the greatest video games of all time,” says the girl, in awe. “I wrote a review of it for my online gaming magazine. It got five stars!”
“No way! Gamer girls are the best!” drools Kavren. “They say their fast fingers can do wonders.”
“I thought I was about to make my first friend,” says Cammy in the confessional. “But he’s just a creep. Should’ve seen that one coming. How could I be so gullible?”
“Did you say video games?” says Chelsey, walking over to Cammy. “Um, barf. You could do so much better than that, gurl. You’re gorgeous, I mean, just look at your curvaceous figure! I’ve aspired to have that kind of bod for years. Don’t waste it on things meant for five-year-olds.”
"Don't mind her," Mattie says to Cammy. "It's just a phase."
"Nah, I'm used to it," Cammy replies, looking upset.
A peculiar-looking boy with a large purple mohawk steps out of the bus. “Ello!” he says with a thick Australian accent. “My name is Vincent Alan Mackiewicz.”
Cammy’s expression immediately changes to a grin. “OH MY GOSH!” she yells, running over to him. “Your hair is amazing! It’s like Sonic the Hedgehog… but PURPLE!”
“Erm, thank you,” laughs Vincent nervously. “Your name is?”
“Oh, I’m Cammy,” she says. “Pleasure to meet you. You play Sonic too, I assume?”
“Actually, I’ve never played it. I just told my barber to make me easy to spot in a crowd. Hahahaha!” he laughs, before an awkward pause. “I’m just joshin’.”
“Are you… Australian?” asks Dolph, walking over to Vincent. “I’m sorry, but the British master race will soon take over your precious little country. Best for you to flee, bub.”
Gustavo appears behind Dolph menacingly. “Say that again.”
“Uh…” says a visibly uncomfortable Vincent. “Yeah, I’m hungry. I’m gonna go eat some crisps.”
“Ew,” says Chelsey. “I thought this place would be full of people like myself, you know, really hot ones who are at least an 8 on the popularity meter. But nope, looks like I’m stuck with a bunch of weirdos. I guess I can find comfort in the fact that I’ll for sure be first place on the popularity polls, right?”
Immediately after the confessional, a short blonde girl steps out of the bus. “Hey, guidos and guidettes, who’s ready to party?!” she says in a nasally voice.
“Oh my gosh,” says Chelsey. “Blonde hair? Attractive? Seems to be a fan of quality television? Has this aura of sexiness surrounding her? You, my friend, are a 999 on the popularity meter! I mean, I’m a 1,000 of course, but you’ve achieved second place.”
“Hey gurl hey!” says the girl. “The name’s Elle, and I’m here to make sure every day of this competish is a giant banger. So glad to see someone just like me!”
“...Just like her?” Chelsey shudders in the confessional. “Um, NO. I’m so much prettier than her. Appreciating Nebraska Shore is one thing, but if she tries to copy my style, she’s going DOWN.”
“Hottie with a body!” yells Northworth as soon as he spots Elle. He and Toad then proceed to both race over to her and surround her.
“Hey, poopyface, I spotted her first!” whines Toad, and he swats Northworth in the face.
Elle giggles. “A showmance already? I mean, don’t mind if I do,” she purrs, and clutches Northworth’s shoulder as he grins evilly at Toad.
Chelsey looks at the budding ‘romance’ and gasps. “Wow! You’ve found a man already? Good for you, gurl. I’m impressed,” she says with an obvious look of disgust on her face.
“Okay, I hate to distract you all from this wonderful budding romance, but we’ve got a schedule to follow,” says Chris. “Everyone, meet Donny!”
A tall, well-built man with odd, flowing green hair in a ponytail, an unbuttoned green vest above his naked torso, and a pair of exceptionally nice designer jeans walks out from the bus.
“Hey, friends,” he says. “You all seem chill.”
“BLOODLE!” shrieks Kavren, and he jumps out of nowhere, right in front of Donny. “Your chest! It’s so swole! How do you do that?”
“I… uh, go to the gym, I guess?” Donny says. “I never thought I was that buff, but hey, you do you.”
“Ay, don’t beat yerself down, me lad,” Vincent says, comforting him. “You’re so ripped you could wrangle a rabid kangaroo!”
“Uh, I’m gonna assume that’s a good thing?” says Donny. “I like your hair, dude.”
“Sorry I can’t say the same,” teases Vincent.
Donny shrugs. “That’s cool. I can live with that.”
Tasia suddenly arises from the ground, and gets up groggily. “That’s… my life motto, duuuuude,” she says, before passing out again.
Chris looks on at the conversation, and clears his throat. “So, Donny. Seems like a pretty chill guy, huh? Almost… too chill? Thankfully, our next guest is the exact opposite of that. Everyone, meet Li--”
The sound of frantic stomping is heard from the bus, and a tiny brunette with massive eyes scrambles out the door.
“HIIIIIIIIIIIIII!” she shrieks. “Oh my god I’m so excited to see you all my name is Lizza it’s short for Elizabeth but I added an extra Z because I never really catch any Zs at home since I’m always drinking Mountain Fizz and it keeps me up all night and that’s probably why my dad hasn’t talked to me in weeks but whatever I’m here and I’m ready to win a ton of money and buy even more Mountain Fizz with it but actually I just want to meet YOU GUYS because you seem sooooo nice!”
After an awkward pause that seems to last five minutes, Dolph speaks up. “Okay, now speak English.”
“I’d still hit that,” snickers Toad.
“Dude, you’re twelve,” mocks Vincent. “You couldn’t even hit a piñata.”
“That’s what she said!” yells Toad.
“What the--” says Vincent. “That didn’t even make any SENSE! Why did they cast that little twerp on this show, anyway?”
Lizza makes her way through the crowd, and stops in front of PJ. “Oh hi you seem really cool what’s your name I’m pretty sure it’s PJ because I read spoilers on a site right before I got here and it said there was gonna be a girl named PJ and I thought it was short for pajamas but it’s definitely not but anyway it said you were really quiet but also a genius and since you’re not talking right now I can assume you’re just REALLY smart like do you know what e equals I do it equals mc squared HA I bet you didn’t know that one!!!”
PJ says absolutely nothing and stares Lizza in the eye. After making prolonged eye contact, Lizza sprints away.
Donny is drinking a can of soda, and Lizza suddenly sprints up to him. “Hi I’m Lizza your hair is so cool it reminds me of guacamole!” she yells, and a shocked Donny spits out his soda onto a nearby Gustavo’s face.
Gustavo, seething with rage, approaches Donny. “Ey, let’s you an’ me have a talk… friend.”
“Aw, man. Not even 10 minutes in and an angry, ripped Italian man already wants my head on a platter. I hate when that happens,” says Donny.
“Now somebody, anybody, everybody, scream!” announces a new voice. A tall, lanky man wearing a green beanie and sunglasses jumps out of the bus.
“Ew, rapping?” asks Chelsey. “That’s like a negative sixty on the popularity meter. ESPECIALLY if you’re white, or… uh, ambiguously brown.”
The newly arrived guy frowns. “Didn’t even get to introduce myself? Hurtful. Anyway, th’ name’s Antoine. Does anyone actually want to hear my new rap?”
“Ooh, I do!” says Northworth excitedly, jumping up and down.
“Awesome!” says an excited Antoine, and he clears his throat. “Yo, I’m Antoine, and today I--”
“NOT!” interrupts Northworth. “Har har har!!”
A dejected Antoine mopes away, and approaches Toad. “Haters, man. They don’t respect me.”
“I know how you feel,” says Toad. “Am I not hot enough for those ladies?”
“Uh, actually, that’s not what I meant,” says Antoine. “But--”
He is interrupted by many gasps as the next contestant steps out of the bus, an attractive boy with blonde, teen idol-esque hair, colorful clothing, and a massive nose.
“Sup, guys?” he says, and makes a clicking noise.
“THAT guy is hot enough for those ladies,” whispers Antoine.
“Ew, who in the world would fall for that douche?” Abbey says in the confessional. “Ugh. Just look at him. That smug, self-important look. Those sickeningly neon clothes. That gorgeous, flowing blonde hair… UGH!”
Elle is next in the confessional, swooning. “I think I just found my soulmate! Just look at his beautiful blonde locks, and his toned body, and that disturbingly large… nose! It’s showmance time… or, I could use him to get ahead.” She makes a purring noise.
Cammy is seen in the confessional, also swooning. “This doesn’t leave here, okay? Ever since I got an April Levine CD for my seventh birthday, I’ve been totally in love with skater boys. I just want one of them to sweep me off my feet and carry me off on his skateboard… It’ll never happen, though. Am I doomed to only date weirdos like Karen or whatever?”
As the new guy mingles with the other contestants in the background, Abbey scoffs. “Look at that turd. I bet he thinks he’s soooo cool.”
“Yeah, he’s really not my type,” Mattie says. “I prefer people with a little more going on in their head, y’know? Although I have to admit that his nose IS sexy.”
“Do you think MY nose is sexy?!” yells Kavren, jumping out of nowhere.
“Not rea--” begins Mattie.
“Not YOU,” says Kavren. “The cutie patootie right there,” he points to Abbey. “Nose. Sexy. You. Whatcha think?”
“Oh god no, it reminds me of an olive,” says Abbey. “I abhor olives.”
“Awww, noodles-in-a-cup,” says Kavren, and he mopes away, but accidentally bumps into a very tall, imposing figure.
“Excuse you,” she says in a thick Italian accent, and Kavren squeals in horror. She has jet-black hair, long red boots, a white dress, and weirdest of all, an eye patch covering her left eye and a giant syringe covering her left hand.
“Everyone, meet our final contestant…” says a visibly scared Chris. “Kim.”
Lizza runs up to Kim. “Hello Kim I like your name is it short for Kimberly my cousin is called Kimberly she is a bridal shop owner I like the name Kimberly but I like Quimberly better what do you think?” she says in only one go.
Kim says nothing, just nods and continues to walk.
“Ey, a fellow Italian?” says an also visibly scared Gustavo. “I… I like-a your style. Where’d y’ get that… hand thingy?”
“In the war,” says Kim.
Kim is shown in the confessional. “Actually, it’s from Halloween three years ago. I wore it and the eye patch on this show to be more intimidating, and to let the others know I am here to PLAY this game. Now this is where I record my thoughts, eh? I must say that that Lizza girl doesn’t seem like much of a strategic threat at all, but she doesn’t look like a good ally either. First boot, I am calling it. Then again, looking at this cast, the most strategically threatening person here is Chris McLean, so I see no way I don’t make the finale.” She laughs heartily.
“Hey baby,” says Toad, who comes up to about her belly button. “Looking smexy.”
Kim stares at him intensely with her one visible eye, making him pee his pants, and he flees. “Good,” she says.
“I have found another goat who I could potentially lead to the end, and subsequently beat the tar out of. His name is Frog or something, I don’t care. By analyzing him thoroughly, I can tell that he will be very--” Before Kim can continue, the cameraman falls asleep and the tape goes to static.
“Well, now that everyone is here, I guess we have to go through the legal procedures, huh?” says Chris. “Wish we didn’t, but… I guess it’s the ‘law’ or something. Pssh. Anyway, you guys will be staying in those luxurious hotels over there--” he points to a shoddy-looking hotel with broken windows, “and you’ll be divided into two teams with two rooms each, one for the boys and one for the girls! Want to know the teams?”
“It’s about time, you bloody wa--” begins Dolph.
“ANYWAY!” says Chris, ignoring Dolph. “The first team is the Epic Platypi! This team’ll consist of Elle, Gustavo, Donny, Kim, Mattie, Abbey, Kavren, Tasia, Northworth, and Vincent!”
“My name was next to yours, bloopy, it must be a sign,” says Kavren to Abbey, who makes a gagging motion.
“Not to interrupt the two lovebirds, but we’re almost out of time,” continues Chris. “And the second team, the Dancing Bugs, will be made up of Chelsey, Dolph, Ori, PJ, Lizza, Antoine, Trick, Cammy, MacKenzie, and Toad!”
“Bugs? Platypi? Maaaaaan…” says Tasia. “Those names are goooood.”
“Ooooh, now this is what I’m talking about! What a perfect team for me to work my magic on. We’ve got some boys who’ll definitely be drawn to my dazzling, charismatic self, some beta females who I can easily manipulate, and PLENTY of ways to advance my own popularity. Million bucks, here I come!” says Chelsey.
“I’m totally screwed,” says MacKenzie in the confessional. “My team is full of lunatics! This CAST is full of lunatics! The only normal person on my team is that sweet Ori guy, but with my luck, I bet he’ll be gone first. This will be fun…”
“Are you off your rocker, McLean? Insects? Mutated duck-otter things? What do these team names have to do with cities or revolutions?” asks Dolph.
“Shut it!” hisses Chris. “Okay, the episode’s over, you guys can go to your hotels now or whatever.” As the contestants leave, he continues, “Well, that was quite the premiere, we’ve got such a… erm, unique cast! Tune in next time for the thrilling first challenge, and first elimination, right here on Total… Drama… Revolution!”
Chapter 2 - Someone's in the Kitchen with Tasia
“Last time on Total Drama Revolution…” begins Chris, while the 20 contestants are still right in front of him. “We met our 20 contestants, and here they are right here! Obviously they got into all sorts of shenanigans upon meeting each other, and at the end of the episode I split them into two teams - the Dancing Bugs and the Epic Platypi. Why do bugs dance? What, exactly, makes platypi epic? Find out the answers to these burning questions and more, right here o--”
“Um, Chris?” interjects Mattie. “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt you, but if we’re talking science here, the correct term is platypuses, not platypi.”
“Do you really think I care?!” retorts Chris. “Jeez! You ruined my flawless intro! Chef, let’s get out of here. You guys don’t deserve to be in my presence right now. Anyway, find out what’ll happen today, blah blah blah, right here on Total Drama Revolution.”
Sure enough, Chris and Chef get out of there and pan to the contestants in their hotels or something. The Platypi are up first, as they walk into the shoddy-looking hotel.
A man with an orange bandana and long, flowing blonde hair is reading a newspaper at the front desk and sipping on a smoothie.
“Ugh, it’s about time you showed up!” he says.
“Um,” says Vincent. “Yes. Hello, sir. We’d like our rooms? We’re the Total Drama crew.”
“Total who-wha?” says the man. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Chris McLean?” asks Vincent. “You know, the washed-up, wrinkly reality TV host? Desperately trying to hold onto his five seconds o’ fame?”
“YES! I know the guy, although I wish I didn’t,” says the man, handing Vincent two keys. “Anyway, here are your key--”
“Holy ravioli!” yells Kavren, materializing out of nowhere. “That smoothie looks groovy! Can I have a sip?”
“No!” he barks. “I bought this thing with my paycheck from last week! Begone!”
Kavren slinks away, and the team walks upstairs.
The man, who will be henceforth referred to as ‘Smoothie Guy,’ is seen in the confessional. “I am incensed. I got recruited to work on this darn show, and I figured I’d make some bank off of the gig, but turns out I’m working 24 hours a day, with no breaks, at EVERY store the contestants go to. Ugh! That’s insane! Why can’t I get any respect around here?! Those teens are going to feel my wrath.” He cackles evilly.
The Platypi open the door to their new rooms, and to their horror, the room is in awful condition - with tattered bedsheets, broken lightbulbs, and the chalk outline of a human body on the floor.
“Ew!” recoils Elle in disgust. “This looks like my aunt’s house after we trashed it on New Year’s Eve. Vomitrocious.”
“It’s-a not so bad,” says Gustavo. “Reminds me of th’ motherland.”
“Wait a minute…” says Mattie, unlocking the key to the other ‘room.’ “There’s only one room! This is the key to the bathroom!”
“Aw, what?! That wretched McLean said we’d have two rooms, one for the guys, one for the girls!” says Abbey.
“Who cares? My homies and I are gonna sleep in the beds. You’ll chicks can sleep in the tub,” says Northworth, getting into bed and grinning smugly.
He’s tapped on the shoulder by Kim, who looks at him intimidatingly. “The tub, you say?”
Northworth begins shivering and leaps out of the bed. “You can sleep here!”
“Good,” says Kim in the confessional. “I have already struck fear into the short, large-eared one’s soul. See, his personality is so fragile that any sort of opposition will crush him like a twig. He would be an easy meat shield to hide behind until the merge hits… except for the fact that I am three times his height.”
“Wow, this bathroom is kinda nice,” says Donny, examining his new living quarters. “At least, when it comes to shoddy public hotel bathrooms.” He opens the shower curtain and twenty spiders crawl out of the bathtub.
“WHOA!” says Kavren, picking up approximately five spiders. “These guys are cute! I’m gonna take ‘em under my wing. Everyone, meet Carl, Steve, Fredd--”
Northworth walks up to Kavren and swats his hand, sending the spiders flying everywhere. “NOOOOOO!” sobs Kavren.
“Ey, mate, knock it off,” says Vincent. “Those spiders didn’t do anything to hurt ye!”
“Yeah? Well, your hair looks like Sonic’s if he shopped at Hot Topic and became a big smelly loser,” retorts Northworth.
“Can it, you twit!” Vincent lunges for Northworth, but he darts out of the way and Vincent’s fist lands on… Gustavo’s chest.
Gustavo grabs Vincent’s wrist, and there is a cracking noise. “Watch it, buddy boy.”
“Aw, come on!” says Vincent in the confessional. “That guy’s hitlist wasn’t long enough already? I’m in deep doo-doo! We gotta get him out of here before he becomes Total Drama’s first convicted felon.”
“So, gurls,” says Elle, examining the living quarters. “There’s, like, five of us. And two beds. How do we deal?”
“That does not seem to be a problem for Tasia,” says Kim, gesturing to the floor. Sure enough, Tasia is slumped in the corner, asleep.
“Okay, seeing someone passed out on the ground is nothing short of horrifying, but we’re gonna be fine,” says Mattie. “I’ve slept in tents much smaller than this. Abbey and I will take this bed, while Elle and Kim can grab the other.”
“Thanks! That was a close one,” whispers Abbey. Mattie gives her a thumbs-up.
“Ay, how do you feel about Nebraska Shore?” asks Elle to Kim. “‘Cause, y’know, I’ll be binge-watching episodes every night. If you wanna join, you’re welcome!”
“They are a disgrace to my home country,” says Kim quietly.
“WAIT! You’re ITALIAN?! OMG, we’re gonna be BGFFLs. Best Guidette Friends For Life. I’ll teach you how to spray-tan your bod for that authentic Jersey flair, and you can teach me about the best kinds of pizza or something!” says Elle.
Kim nods. “Hm. Okay.”
“Yaaaaas!” says Elle loudly in the confessional. “I was fearing for the worst when McLean split me and that cool Chelsey chick up, but Kim seems just as great! She’s got a fierce personality and I bet she likes to rock the party! Can’t wait to be bedmates with her, we’re gonna raise the roof!”
“Imbecile!” says Kim. “Eventually, I will crush her like an ant. However, it’s good to have allies in the pre-merge portion of the game…”
Meanwhile, the Dancing Bugs have reached their hotel room as well, and sure enough, it’s in just as awful shape.
“Ew, this place is straight-up disgusting,” says Chelsey. “I do NOT want to know what sleeping in that bed will do to my hair.”
“Yeah, what she said,” says Trick. “The hair’s, uh, pretty important.”
MacKenzie gulps. “Uh, guys, it’s not too bad here, right? Maybe once we settle into it, it’ll be just like home! Come on, look on the bright side!”
“‘Bright side’ my butt. You know, when you look at it, life’s a piece of--” begins Dolph.
“Today is getting worse and worse,” says MacKenzie in the confessional. “I don’t know how I’m even gonna make it past day one if the weirdos just band together and boot me out. Maybe I just need to branch out? Make some friends? That’s not difficult… right?” She stares off into space in horror.
PJ shuffles over to one bed in the corner, points to it, then points to herself without saying a word.
“All right, brethren. I suppose Silenty McDoesn’ttalkington will take that bed, eh?” says Dolph. “Any objections?”
“Fine with me,” shrugs Antoine.
“As long as I don’t have to sleep with her,” says Chelsey.
“Sounds awesome I’ll sleep in the bed with you PJ because I know you’re kinda a bigger girl and don’t get me wrong I really loooove fat people but the point is I’ll fit because I’m a lot smaller than you and my dad says I’m fun size but I bet he doesn’t actually think I’m fun considering every time I talk to him he starts tearing up but that’s getting waaaay off track okay yeah PJ let’s be bedmates I know you’re gonna like me I don’t smell too bad or anything!!!” says Lizza.
“...” says PJ. Nobody else says anything for a solid minute.
“Heh-heh, she talks too much, but she’s got tig ol’ bitties,” giggles Toad to Antoine.
“Okay, listen,” Antoine says, pulling Toad aside. “I know you’re twelve, and I know the competition’s gonna be… pretty tough for ya. But you seem to appreciate my raps, right? How about I help you along in the game for a bit?”
“Uh, whatever,” says Toad. “But you’re not the boss of me!”
“That might’ve been the worst idea ever, but truth is, that kid’s gonna be unbearable unless I teach him how to survive in the real world,” says Antoine in the confessional. “Here goes nothin’.”
“Okay, it may be gross in here, but it’s cool-gross,” says Cammy, setting her suitcase down on the ground. “Like some kinda post-apocalyptic wasteland. I dig it.”
“Cool-gross? Hmmm. Sounds like you, a walking contradiction. I STILL don’t know where to put you on the popularity meter,” says Chelsey. Cammy glares at her.
Ori approaches Chelsey. “Friend, you’re truly pretty, but we cannot start arguing just yet! We must harmonize as a team, or we’ll lose every challenge!”
“Ugh, at least you called me pretty,” says Chelsey as she rolls her eyes.
“Ayo, Toad and I will take this bed,” says Antoine, pointing to the bed not occupied by Lizza and PJ.
“But I wanna sleep with Chelsey!” whines Toad, hiding behind MacKenzie as a human shield. MacKenzie giggles and ruffles Toad’s hair.
“Toady, you’re such a cutie,” she says, and he grumbles.
Dolph glances at Trick and Ori, then puts one arm around each of their shoulders. “Alrighty then, Pretty Boy and Looks-Like-A-Woman, we’re the only males left. It’s time for some bonding,” he says.
“Hey,” says Trick. “That’s awesome.”
“Ugh, I can already tell my skater boy dreams are gonna be crushed,” says Cammy. “The guy has no personality. He’s like your typical default character -- boring, barely talks, but pretty.” She sighs. “So, so pretty…”
“Dolph and Ori seem pretty chill,” says Trick. “They’re all chill. Life is chill.” He flips his hair.
Ori is next in the confessional. “My mood swings are preeeetty bad,” he says. “Dad says it’s because of my hormones or something, but I don’t know. I WANT to like these guys, but some of them are already working my last nerve… I don’t wanna know what’ll happen next.”
Outside, the loudspeaker is blaring. “Contestants! Report outside in five, the bus is gonna take you to your first challenge!”
Five minutes later, the contestants pile onto the bus - driven by Chef - and Chris begins explaining the challenge.
“Revolution City is known for many things. Impossibly high standards of living, bums doing questionable things in the alleyways, historic monuments defaced by bird dookie…” begins Chris. “But of course, what’s a giant city without a five-star restaurant?”
“Lame?” asks Elle.
Chris nods. “Thanks for the contribution, Elle. For your first challenge, teams will be preparing their very own one-course meal to be judged by… moi! And Chef, of course. He’s a professional cook, too, so he’s expecting some VERY high-quality dishes.”
“Yeah, right,” says Vincent. “I’d rather down a gallon o’ Vegemite than eat any o’ hi--”
“DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?!” snaps Chef, and he honks his horn loudly.
Chris winces. “Chef’s been a little… touchy today. All the more reason to cook up the best meal you can!” The bus arrives at the restaurant, titled ‘Le Drame,’ and drops the 20 contestants off. “You have three hours, and then it’s judging time… GO!”
The teams file into the kitchens at the back of the restaurant. The Epic Platypi are seen in their kitchen first.
“Okay, guys! I think as long as we work together and come up with a nice, cohesive plan on what to make, we’ll win,” says Mattie.
“Yeeeeah…” says Tasia. “Uhhhhh, I gotta take a breeeeather…”
“You’ve spent the entire competition so far taking a breather,” says Vincent, raising an eyebrow.
“Hey, it’s fine! Sometimes people need to recharge, I get it,” says Mattie. “Tasia, we’ll check back in in 20, okay?”
“Uh, whatevs…” says Tasia. “I’ll try, but I don’t feel too goooood…” She vomits in a trash can.
Elle rushes over to Tasia. “You need to FOCUS!” she shrieks. “Gurl, you look like I did back in 5th grade when I went to my first college party. It’s frankly embarrassing.”
“Um, I’m gonna say leave her be. I’m definitely not cleaning up puke,” says Mattie. Elle glares.
“I’ve had to change diapers. I’ve had to put bandaids on bloody, infected wounds,” says Mattie. “But THAT is where I draw the line. Maybe I should step out of the leader role for a bit…”
“Okay, you cruddy mouth-breathers,” says Northworth. “I know what we’re gonna make.”
“Let’s make PICKLES!” shrieks Kavren.
“Shut the funk up, turkey-toes,” snaps Northworth. “Have you seen the shape of those things?! That’s freakin’ gay.”
“Alrighty then, got any better ideas?” says Vincent. “Because you’ve been such a help so far!”
“Can it, Sonic!” retorts Northworth. “We’re gonna make pizza. I can do it, it’s easy-peasy. Watch… and learn.”
Northworth heads to the fridge, where he takes out a giant can of tomato sauce. He closes the fridge and walks back, but trips on an amoeba and the sauce explodes in his face. Lying on the ground with tomato sauce all over him, he screams an obscenity.
“Excellent,” says Kim, laughing heartily.
Gustavo steps forward. “Okay, listen up, team. I’m from Italia. My uncle is a renowned chef. I can-a make tha pizza.”
“And what makes you think that I cannot?” says Kim, narrowing her one visible eye.
“Ey, y’know, you got that thingy on your hand, it may… get in the way,” says Gustavo. “Just sayin’.”
Kim raises her faux-hand-syringe up to Gustavo’s neck and leaves it there. “Get in the way, you say?”
Gustavo gulps. “Okay, let’s work together!” he squeals, and slips out of Kim’s grasp.
“Kim scares the pepperoni outta me,” says Gustavo in the confessional.
“I have no doubt in my mind that Gustavo would be a wonderful ally,” says Kim. “In theory. However, in practice, he is an abomination! He is tainting the others’ opinion of Italy. His brashness and sheer amount of testosterone are truly unbearable! While he would be a satisfactory meat shield, I cannot let him progress in this game any further. One misstep, and he is out for good.”
“So, uh…” says a visibly uncomfortable Donny. “Pizza?”
“We could just use Northworth’s head to put the sauce on the dough,” Abbey says. “Then maybe he’ll be useful for once.”
“Hehehe, then when Chris bites into his ‘za, he’ll taste a stray hair or two,” Kavren chimes in.
“Perfect. That’ll make us win for sure!” says Vincent, rolling his eyes.
“I bet Northworth’s hair is really dandruffy,” says Kavren.
Abbey quickly changes the subject. “Uh, okay. I’ll go and get the cheese from the fridge, I guess.” She heads over to the fridge, but Kavren intercepts her.
“MY hair isn’t dandruffy at all,” he winks. “It’s soft… and smooth.” Abbey immediately turns around and walks away.
“These guys are…” Donny begins in the confessional, then shudders. “Okay, I’ve seen worse. A while back, I was like them, just hyper and wild with no care for others. But then I found myself, and now everything’s chill. I wish they could experience the same happiness I do.”
Meanwhile, the Dancing Bugs have arrived to their kitchen as well, and are making just as minimal amounts of progress.
MacKenzie walks over to the fridge, opens it, and smiles nervously. “Okay, this shouldn’t be too hard, right?”
“Um, who died and made YOU queen?” glares Chelsey. “You’re right, it shouldn’t be too hard. But only if you all step aside and let me do the dirty work!”
Antoine raises his hand hesitantly. “All right, y’all, so--”
“Rapper guy? What do you have to contribute to this pow-wow?” asks Chelsey.
“Y’know, I just wanted to say I love to cook. I took a cooking class last summer, and I may have been the only guy and the only person under 40 there, but it was so cool,” Antoine says.
“Ooooh! Let him do it!” says Toad.
“Hey, yeah, that’s…” says Trick. “Cool.”
Antoine opens his mouth to say something else, but is interrupted when Lizza comes barreling towards him and jumps onto his back. “Heck yeah Antoine I knew you’d be a great asset to the team and the best thing is that I’M also a great asset to the team because I can cook real well like I make Cold Pockets all the time at home and they explode in the microwave every time but that just makes them taste even better so I can definitely bring those skills here!!!!”
Ori walks over to Lizza. “My friend, you seem tense. Perhaps a massage would ease up your joints?”
“Yeah I love massages!!! Wait your hair is really long I hope it doesn’t tickle my neck when you massage me because--” begins Lizza. Ori cracks his knuckles and begins massaging her back, and she sighs calmly.
“Yo, Cammy,” says Antoine, searching through cupboards. “Wanna help me out?”
“Me? Really? Uh, I mean…” says Cammy. “I haven’t done much cooking. I did play that Cooking Daddy game when I was like six, but that’s about it.”
“No worries, man, pass me a pan,” says Antoine. Cammy does.
Dolph feigns a shocked expression. “Wow, I see we have our very own Shakespeare.”
“Okay, super-genius, what are YOU doing to help out?” Chelsey says, cornering Dolph.
“Erm, I believe my winsome personality and boatloads of charisma are enough,” says Dolph. “I’ll just provide the moral support. You’ll be needing it.”
“Yeah, um, no. I bet you were a dodgeball target in middle school or something. Sad, really,” says Chelsey. “Unpopularity makes fools of us all. I mean, I just can’t--”
“AAAAARGH!” yells a voice. A dark-skinned arm reaches in with a giant pan, hits Chelsey upside the head with it, and disappears, knocking her out cold.
Everyone stares at Ori, who’s still massaging Lizza.
“Ahhhhhh yes that’s the stuff!!!” she moans.
“...” says PJ.
Chelsey says in the confessional, with a black eye and an ice pack on her head, “This is almost too much for me. I’m NOT about to endure 19 more episodes of this.”
“Unpopularity makes fools of us all, eh, Chelsey? I’d say that frying pan made a fool of you,” giggles Dolph in the confessional.
Elsewhere, the Platypi are moving along nicely… or so it seems.
“Move your beefy hand to the side, Gustavo,” says Kim, as they both work on putting toppings on the pizza. “It is in my way.”
“And why do I have to do that? My hand is beefy because of years of training! Decades, even!” retorts Gustavo.
Kim raises up her syringe-hand so it’s pointing towards Gustavo’s eyeball. “Now.”
Elle suddenly pops in between the two. “Do I smell tension? Well, I’ve got the solution!” She pulls out a giant boombox, and puts on what sounds like generic EDM-rap. “This stuff slaps, y’all.”
“Heck yeah! Bangers only!” yells Northworth, and he dabs.
“This music makes my loins feel tingly,” says Kavren, right next to Abbey, who’s not even looking at him.
“Please don’t talk to me,” she responds.
“Don’t worry, mate, this music makes MY loins feel tingly too,” says Vincent, strong-arming his way up next to Kavren.
“Glad to hear that, doodle-dood,” says Kavren, somewhat sadly.
“Aw man, I really like Abbey, why am I embarrassing myself by saying such dumb stuff around her?” says Kavren in the confessional. “I guess she doesn’t get my sense of humor… but that’ll change!”
“Wait a sec…” says Mattie, glancing around. “I smell pizza. But not, like, good pizza. Huh?”
“We haven’t even put the pizza in the oven yet. Chill your jets, gurl,” says Elle.
“TASIA!” shouts Abbey, pointing to the corner of the room. Tasia is slumped to the side, as usual, but three half-empty boxes of pizza are surrounding her.
Mattie walks over to Tasia and shakes her vigorously. “Wakey-wakey?”
“Whaaaaaaaa…” says Tasia, in a stupor. “Oh yeah, I ordered pizza for you guuuuys… But then I got huuuungry, and I fell asleep before I could give it to yoooouuuu…”
“You do know that our challenge was to MAKE food, right?” Mattie says.
Donny checks the time. “Guys, we have ten minutes and the pizza isn’t in the oven yet. Maybe we should just tell Chris that we made the pizza Tasia ordered.”
“But it smells like kooky docky poo-poo!” says Kavren, plugging his nose.
“Yeah, well, that’s Chris’s problem, not ours,” shrugs Donny. “It looks… mildly edible.”
“UGH!” yells Gustavo. “But my pizza! My pride an’ joy! It’s just gonna be tossed aside?!”
“Maybe if you spent more time actually working on it, and less time running your gigantic mouth, we would be in a different situation,” says Kim.
“Kim, after this challenge, we are going to brawl like Sicilians!” roars Gustavo.
“I am fine with that,” shrugs Kim, with a mild smirk.
“Bluuuuuh, that pizza didn’t even taste gooood…” says Tasia. “Chris ain’t gonna be happy…”
The Bugs are putting the finishing touches on what looks like rows of cannoli.
“Um, I thought you said you were a French chef?” says Chelsey, looking at Antoine.
“Yeah, it was a ‘French-Italian Fusion’ class,” says Antoine. “Budget cuts. Sorry.”
“That doesn’t matter, it looks great,” says MacKenzie, smiling at Antoine. “Looks like we turned things around after all, huh?”
Toad, next to MacKenzie, is eyeing Chelsey’s rear. “I’d like to turn HER around and--”
MacKenzie turns to Toad. “Aww, you’re our best moral support,” she says, and hugs him. “Glad you’re here with us!”
“I think Toad is adorable,” says MacKenzie. “Sure, he’s a degenerate perv, but he’s only 12. I have a younger brother, so believe me, I’ve seen it all. Maybe our team’s not so bad after all, outside of Chelsey… and Dolph, and Lizza, and PJ, and that boring skater guy. Okay, never mind.”
The teams are then shown in the center of the restaurant in front of Chris, who is wearing an expensive-looking suit and has a monogrammed napkin around his neck, and Chef, who’s wearing the exact same outfit he always wears.
Chris clears his throat. “Well, three hours have passed, and my stomach is getting rumbly, so it’s time to eat! Any of you poor souls want to volunteer to present your meal first?” Dolph pulls his Dancing Bug teammates aside. “Did we even make anything?!” he hisses.
Before he can continue, Antoine bursts out. “We sure did!” he says. “Chris, Chef, I present to you Chef Antoine’s Crowd-Pleasing Custard-Covered Cannoli.”
“Ha, that alliteration is epic,” Cammy says. Chelsey rolls her eyes.
Chris picks up one of the tubes of cannoli, eyes it, then sniffs it. “Hmm…” he begins. “Smells like my grandmother’s house. Not that that’s a bad thing, though.” He pops a tube in his mouth, chews for a bit, pauses, almost gags, then forces the rest of it down.
There is a silence. “...well?” asks MacKenzie.
“That was… passable!” says Chris. “You know, I’ve eaten far worse. And thankfully it didn’t TASTE like my grandmother’s house, so points for that. Had a hint of wet pantyhose, though.”
Chef finishes his cannoli as well. “Mhm,” he grunts. “Wet pantyhose. Not bad, though.”
“Hey wet pantyhose is totally rockin’ I’ll take it!!! Yay teamies!!!” Lizza shrieks, and Antoine nods his head in satisfaction.
“All right, Platypi? What horrors do you have for me today?” Chris asks.
The Platypi are in a group huddle. “What do we even tell him?” Mattie whispers. “Gustavo’s pizza isn’t even done, for all I know he’s still in the kitchen, and Tasia’s is… gross, so what’s left?!”
Tasia walks up to Chris with the remainders of the pizza she ordered, then slumps forward, drops the pizza onto Chris’ table, and collapses onto the ground.
“The heck is this?” Chef asks, picking up a piece.
“Um, it’s obviously pizza,” says Elle.
“Well,” says Chris. “I’m not going to even bother eating it, since you guys clearly didn’t pay attention to the rules of this challenge. I explicitly said that teams will be preparing THEIR OWN meal to be judged by me. This is like… the cheapest, nastiest pizza in all of Rev City. The Epic Platypi lose the challenge!”
“Aw, COME ON!” yells Northworth, and he kicks the unconscious Tasia, who doesn’t move.
“WAIT!” yells a voice from the distance, right as Chris and the Bugs start packing up and leaving. Gustavo runs out of the kitchen, with his now fully-finished pizza. “My pizza! It’s-a done! Eat it now, it’s so good!”
“Hmmmm,” says Chris, as everyone pauses. “If you had been maybe thirty seconds quicker, I would’ve eaten it. But sadly, I already announced the results, and you guys lost. Sorry!”
“Nice going,” says Kim to Gustavo, flashing him a grin. Gustavo gulps.
“My team is a bunch of @#$%in’ chuckleheads,” Northworth says in the confessional. “I’m freakin’ salty. I’m tryna vote 'em all out, but Kavren’s the worst. I bet his mother doesn’t even love him. Abbey’s a bitch too, but she’s got big bazongas. She can stay.”
The Platypi are gathered around in various parts of their hotel, attempting to strategize about their impending elimination ceremony.
“So we’re in agreement that most of the guys here are… weird, no?” says Donny to Vincent. “I mean, I don’t wanna judge, but man, today was heinous.”
“Right you are, good man,” Vincent says. “Just awful! Let’s make a sane people's alliance. It’ll be just us two, of course.”
“Mattie and Abbey are sane, right?” Donny asks. “I mean, comparatively?”
“Excuse me?” asks Abbey, walking up to the two. “Heard my name. Hope you’re not spreading the usual garbage that boys do. You’re not aligned with Kavren, are you?”
Vincent and Donny look at Abbey, then start to giggle. “That guy?!” Vincent says.
The three look over to the opposite side of the room, where Kavren is sitting in the corner and talking to a spider on his hand.
“Don’t worry, Edwin. Uncle Kav’s gonna be riiiiight back to feed you again, after he runs an errand or two!” he giggles. The spider falls off his hand.
Elle and Northworth are seen walking hand-in-hand to the bathroom. “So your third cousin twice removed is REALLY ‘The Predicament' from Nebraska Shore?!” Elle asks.
“Hecks yeah, he is. He and I get lit together all the time,” says Northworth, grinning smugly.
The two are then intercepted by Kim, who looms over them. “We must talk,” she says.
Night falls, and the contestants are shown at the campfire ceremony, which seems to be at an abandoned bus stop. Chris is sitting on a bench in front of the fire, a few feet away from a homeless man who’s roasting what looks like a dead rat on a stick.
“Welcome to your first ever campfire ceremony, Not-So-Epic Platypi!” Chris says. “The routine this season should be pretty familiar. Each night, I’ll pass out a bunch of a certain item, usually pertaining to the challenge. The one person who doesn’t get the item has been voted out by their team, and must board the Bus of Losers and leave the premises. Forever. And I’m not kidding this time. It’s time to vote!”
“Yeah, uh, Abbey certainly brought up a convincing case about why Kavren’s a weirdo and should go home,” says Donny. “She’s kinda off-putting, but knows her stuff. But Kavren’s also harmless… I think?”
“This vote is all about team bonding,” says Mattie. “Who’s gonna drag us down and prevent us from reaching the highest level of teamwork? The answer is clear.”
“Dude, I just made out with Northworth for like five minutes in that bathroom after Kim was done blabbering on about who knows what,” says Elle, who is sweating profusely. “That was STEAMY.”
“Today, I’ll be passing out pieces of Gustavo’s pizza!” Chris says, after everyone has returned from voting. “If you get a slice, you’re safe.”
“HEY!” yells Gustavo. “I was gonna eat that!”
“And now the rest of your team can have some too! How generous,” smiles Chris. “The first slice of pizza goes to Elle.”
Elle catches her pizza and flashes a TV-worthy smile. “Yaaas!”
“Donny, Vincent, Abbey, Mattie, and Kim!” Chris says. The five grab their slices, and Kim crushes hers in the palm of her fist.
“D-d-do you know how long it took me to make that?!” Gustavo says, sputtering with rage.
“Oh yes, I know,” says Kim. “I know very, very well.”
“Four left,” says Chris. “Rough. Gustavo, Kavren, Northworth, and Tasia. Northworth, you’re not really the most pleasant person to be around. Same goes for Gustavo. Kavren, I’m debating getting a restraining order against you and it’s been like 12 hours. And Tasia… uh, are you alive?”
The team glances at Tasia, who is passed out on the ground. A pizza slice is thrown at her and she stirs slightly. “Either way, you’re safe!” says Chris. “And so is Northworth, unfortunately.”
“Swag!” bellows Northworth, as he eats his pizza in one bite.
“Gustavo. Kavren. One slice of pizza left, and it goes to…”
“But HOW?!” yells Gustavo. “I made that pizza! I carried this team to victory!”
“Technically you did not, since… well, we lost,” Kim says. “Goodbye, bambino piccolo. I will not miss you.” She pats Gustavo’s head, as his face turns as red as his hair.
“Yeah, this is getting kinda boring, wanna make out some more?” Elle asks Northworth as Kim and Gustavo continue screaming at each other in the background. Northworth nods excitedly, and the two leave.
The Bus of Losers pulls up and Gustavo stomps over to it. “YOU WILL ALL REGRET THIS!” he roars, as he steps inside. “Mother Italia is ashamed of your duplicitous nature! You will not win this game! I deserved to eat that pizza! Vincent, I’m-a gonna kick your a--”
His voice is drowned out by the bus’s horns as it drives away.
“Wow, that guy’s got some issues, huh?” says a sweaty Vincent. “I’m outta here.” The team walks back to the hotel.
“I am not surprised whatsoever at what happened tonight,” says Kim in the confessional. “It was all according to my master plan. I have taken out the only immediate threat to my dominance, and will now tighten my grip on this tribe. See, Elle and Northworth are fickle human beings. They talk the talk, but they do not walk the walk. They are PERFECT meat shields! I will continue puppeteering them around as votes, then dump them right as the merge hits, just as I stated earlier. It is all simple strate--” The tape turns to static once again.
“Aaaand, Kavren’s still in. Honestly, my day is ruined,” groans Abbey. “Not surprised that those dudes didn’t vote with me, because they’re all trash. Just like I expected. Now, how do I get that restraining order Chris was talking about?”
“So that, uh, happened!” says Chris, signing off. “What’ll happen next time? Will it be as juicy as tonight? Will it continue to bring in satisfactory ratings so this show doesn’t get cancelled and yours truly gets a nice, meaty paycheck? Will Kim go the extra mile and just murder everyone on her team? Wouldn’t surprise me! Find out the answers to all these questions, and probably more, next time on Total… Drama… Revolution!”
- This project was originally thought up by Mana when he posted one chapter of a TDRev rewrite called "Revolutionary" back in 2013. Although I'm taking over the writing duties, this story is still essentially a collab with Mana, as I'll be using a lot of the plots he created for his own reimagining.
- I figured this would be a fun waste of time, as well as something I wouldn't feel pressured to finish, and have become kind of ashamed of TDRev in recent years so I felt like this would soften the blow a little bit.