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Total Drama Idiots

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Gildedchris

This story won Best Multi-author story at the 2012 Wiki Awards!
Gildedchris


Welcome to first story about very funny people written by some of the wiki's most talented writers: Webly (creator), MrE, Rhonda, and Asp. Frank and SG have previously contributed to this story. This will be the first story in the new series by those writers. It will featured 20 dumb people (with the exception of a few) competing for one million bucks. Be sure to read the hit collaboration, Total Drama Idiots.

Contestants

The two teams are the Screaming Parasites and the Killer Bacteria.

Adele

Andy

April

Artie

Channary

Chloe

Django

Ferguson

Fred

Khloe

Kim

Kourtney

Lilly

Newton

Perry

Porsche

Shelly

"Squirrel"

Tree

Wonka

Chapters

Chapter One- The Idiot Arrivals

Written by: Webly

A confused looking guy no older than twenty-five stands in front of the camera. He stares at it blankly. “Is it on?” He asks the cameraman holding it.

The cameraman rolls his eyes and begins to speak. However, he is suddenly interrupted by the man.

“Because if it were on, I’d have to touch my hair to move it to the side. I would do that now, but I don't feel like it.” The awkward fellow declares answering his own question. “Gosh, I hope the camera isn’t on. Just tell me if the freaking camera is on!”

“YES!” The cameraman yells. “Yes it is, Steve Urkel II.”

Steve blushes. He says, “Way to make things awkward. Well, it's my parents fault for naming me after a TV Legend. I guess everyone usually has a low point in their career. Kind of like what Miley Cyrus is going through right now. Anyways, I’m pretty sure I’m here to host a season of Total Drama." He takes a short pause. "Because Chris ate some chocolate that really didn't look like chocolate from the pictures leaked on Twitter. Now, he is currently hospitalized. Who would guess chocolate was so bad for you. So, what am I supposed to do now.”

“Talk about how the show works,” The cameraman whispers loudly enough so the camera could pick it up.

Steve laughs and replies, “You're so funny. No one cares about that crap. What’s next on the list?”

“If this show is canned after the first episode, I’m suing you for being such an idiot.” The cameraman glares at Steve.

Steve points his finger at the camera guy, “Oh good, your last sentence tied in with the shows title name. Anyways, what’s next Luis?”

“Introduce the first person!” Luis points to a boat that has been sitting in the background for quite a while.

Steve laughs. “I so knew that. Wait, remember to turn the camera on.”

"It's been on..." Luis reveals to the dumbfounded host.

A guy dressed in a lot of green walks off the boat. He walks up to the host to shake his hand.

Steve looks at his hand. “Hello, how are you?” He quickly looks at some flashcards, “Tree.”

Tree quickly takes his hand away. He replies, “Did you just use flashcards?”

“Yeah, so?” Steve asks.

Tree bursts out yelling, “I hate flashcards! You know how many trees are cut down just to make those things? A lot! We need to conserve the tree’s not waste them.” He starts to shake Steve. “What is your problem?”

Steve shrugs, “Which one? The problem where I’m stuck hosting this show, the one where I’m about to throw up for being shaken, the other where I forgot to take a shower for a week, the one that I ate my Mom’s shoe, or the problem that I am named after an awkward child star?”

“It was a rhetorical question.” Tree sighs and walks to the end of the dock. “I guess I’ll stand here for now.” He looks down and shrieks. “Ah! This wood, this precious oak wood was cut down by a tree killer! I have to get off this dock now. I’ll be hurting the precious wood by standing for too long. What is wrong with the people who made this dock? Did you ever think that tree’s would’ve been perfectly fine where they were? People have no brains.”

Steve nods his head. He says, “I didn't know that it was made out of oak.”

A boat comes in going slower than the first.

This time a girl walks off. She wore a nice purple top with a black skirt and some sandals. The most intriguing thing about her was the handheld video game system she held in her hand.

“Thank god, you came here.” Steve says leaning on her shoulder. “I thought I’d be stuck alone with this tree guy for eight weeks. Did you know this dock is made of oak?”

She pushes him away and retorts, “Not now bro, I’m close to getting my first, first place in Mario Kart DS.” She shrieks and cries. “I just hit a wall! Now I was run over. 6th place!" She gasps. "I’m going to change to Zelda.”

“Oh, I remember picking you!” Steve exclaims. “You’re that girl that’s supposed to be trying to overcome playing video games too much. Ooh, and you're terrible at them.” Steve laughs. “That story line isn’t working out, is it Lilly?”

Lilly is still playing her video game. “Not really.” She pauses for a few seconds. “Die, beast, die!”

“No!” Tree shrieks from afar. “Get off this wood, you heavy little sasquatch. Why cruel world, why?” He faints.

Lilly responds, "I'm only 120 pounds..."

A boat comes in at, at least 100 miles per hour throwing a contestant off. The contestant appears in an unbuttoned lab coat showing a plain black shirt. He has cheap glasses with blonde hair. He smiles, walking in an efficient matter, “How do you do, sir?” He asks the host.

“Who’s sir? I’m Steve.” The host questions back. He quickly checks his flashcards. “Um... Newton.”

Newton smacks his forehead. “When they said this show was about idiots, I did not assume that included the host.”

“Hey, that’s offensive!” Steve says sadly. “I passed the twelfth grade, I’m not that stupid.”

Newton frowns. He replies, “I’m sorry. I guess I didn't think before I spoke. What college did you go to?”

“None,” Steve laughs.

Newton rolls his eyes and went over to Lilly. He holds out a hand to be shaken.

Lilly smacks it away. She explains, “Sorry, can’t do any talking. I’m almost getting Link’s sword in Zelda.”

“I’m not an expert at video games but isn't that one of the first tasks in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess? It can’t be that difficult.” Newton replies.

“You haven’t met me then. I’m terrible at video games.”

Newton looks confused. He almost says something but stops and mumbles to himself, “I guess I really don’t want to know.”

Another boat comes in a little slower than the last, throwing off an African American girl. Her black hair matches nice with her blue and black outfit along with the little flavor of yellow she was wearing throughout her outfit. “Hello, hello.” She sang.

“You must be Adele!” Steve exclaims. “The freak singer that can’t stop singing, how epic!”

Before Adele could respond, Newton responds himself, “Actually, it’s highly improbable, let alone impossible that a young woman like you couldn’t stop singing.”

“No, it’s possible. I’ve been like this since I was five. Oh yes it is possible. This ability saved my life.” Adele explains singing. “Actually it didn’t, I just wanted to rhyme.”

Lilly claps dropping her video game. Not noticing the video game fell, she says, “I love a good song.”

“I think you dropped your gaming system,” Steve states.

Lilly looks down and sees a pile of cords detached from the DSi. She yells as loud as she can. “My NINTENDO DSi! NOW I ONLY HAVE MY PSP! OH THE HUMANITY!”

“I think you’ll live,” Newton pats her on the back.

Lilly starts crying. She says, “That’s my second back up DSi, I own. You know how much money that costs?”

“Not exactly, but I could make an educated guess.” Newton replies with a smile/.

Lilly sobs even harder. “I had an education game on when it died!”

A boat comes by when no one is looking. The poorly made vehicle carries a young woman. She wears a look that makes her seem emotionless. She also had on a skull shirt with black pants. As she walked up to the host, she strides with a slow pace.

“Hello, did anyone see I came?” April questions stomping her foot in an attempt to receive a little more amount of attention.

Steve laughs. He claps his hands. “The person who lie’s insanely bad but all the time has arrived. Let me try it. What’s your favorite color?”

She shakes. “Pink because it really fits my image. It is also one of the main associated colors to Total Drama. SQUIRREL!” She points at a furious rabbit.

“If you thought that was a squirrel,” Newton starts. “It is very probable that you failed biology.”

“I passed with an F, for your information.”

“Honestly, that didn’t make any sense and Newton didn’t correct it.” Adele sings. She hums high. “When I hum high, it usually means I’m laughing or screaming. Man, these lines really make a bad song.”

“What’s your problem?” April asks.

Adele sighs. “I only can siiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. Like Rolling in the Deeeeeeeeeeep.”

April stares at her blankly.

“I’ll explain later,” Adele sings. “When you play it to the beat.”

A boat arrives with an African American guy on it. He is dropped off with a chocolate ice cream cone in his hands. He wore a black shirt with black pants and ugly boots.

“Is that chocolate ice cream?” Steve asks with a smile. “That’s my favorite kind of ice cream.”

“Did somebody say chocolate?” The guy screams loudly enough to wake Tree up.

Tree gets up and looks at the dock. He yells, “More fat monsters on the dock! I think it might crack. Hold on woody, hold on!” He faints again.

“Anyways, I love chocolate yes I do! I love chocolate how about you?” He asks the contestants.

The camera turns to Lilly who seems to be thinking hard. Lilly replies, “I don’t think any video game characters have expressed that they liked chocolate so I probably don’t like it as well.” She looks at down at her game. “NO! I died again! Stupid Crash Bandicoot!”

“This is Wonka,” Steve introduces.

Wonka starts to jump up and down. He yells, “I have an idea! I have an idea! What if whenever someone says chocolate, I have to sing my song? Let’s call it the chocolate song! Well, I already made up that name a while ago.”

“Looks like the smartest person of the game just arrived,” April says rolling her eyes.

Wonka smiles widely and replies, “You think I’m smart? I guess my looks may fool you because my IQ is lower than a rabid squirrel's.”

“Of course, I think you’re smart! I like your tie.” She accidentally points at his toes.

Wonka looks confused. “I didn’t know you wear ties on your feet but since you’re the smartest person here, I’ll put them on my feet whenever I wear one again.”

Another boat comes speeding in and throws off a contestant.

A tall girl walks off the boat. She wore purple pants with a darker pink and lighter purple mix on her shirt. Her hair was thick and black and she hid her teeth from everyone. “Hello, peeps! The hot Asian has entered the building.”

Wonka raises his hand looking puzzled.

“Hello, Channary.” Steve says. He looks over to Wonka. “What is it Wonka?”

“Is she on fire?” Wonka questions. Without letting anyone give him an answer, he bends over to get water and throws it on Channary.

“AH! This is my best shirt!” Channary says with a frown.

Newton pokes her awkwardly. He explains, “Don’t worry. Water dries really fast.”

“This isn’t water, the closest sewer pipes lead into this very lake!” Steve says butting into the conversation.

Channary looks down. She replies, “Why does stuff like this always happen to me?”

“It’s okay Canary,” Wonka says. “I didn’t know the water contained poop and pee in it.”

Channary frowns annoyed. “My name is Channary, not that annoying bird.”

“Oh,” Wonka says with a hint of disappointment shown on his face.

Another boat arrives at around 60 miles per hour with a Mexican dressed in tiger cloth hopping off. He had dark blue eyes and stood proud and tall.

“Welcome Django,” Steve welcomes. “Tiger cloth was your first outfit? I was hoping Katy Perry.”

Django blushes and replies, “I’ve never dressed up as a girl besides this one time in a dire situation... besides that, I never have. I dress up in original clothes designed by myself.”

“A guy fashionita,” Adele sings. “That’s probably a creepa.”

“I’m not a creeper!” Django responds loudly.

Adele sings once more. “I’m sorry about that. It’s just part of my curse. Whatever I think of may come out wrong and might hurt.”

“I still don’t believe of this curse of yours,” Newton says confused. “There is no possible way. There can’t be! It’s impossible! How non-scientifical!”

“And I thought I was annoying,” April mutters to herself.

Django sighs, “I hope these are the stupidest contestants or else I might explode.”

“You haven’t met Tree or Wonka then,” Channary says patting Django’s back.

“Tree’s afraid of paper and Wonka’s stupider than that squirrel.” Channary points to a rabbit.

Django laughs. “That was a rabbit.”

“Oh,” Channary says realizing her stupid mistake. “What can I say? I’m not the smartest person in the world either.”

A boat is seen from the blink of the eye coming rather slowly compared to the last few. A girl walks off quietly to the host. She wore a purple shirt with a diamond necklace she held on for her life, kissing it softly as she hit the dock. Her hair was far more puffy and beautifully blonde than any of the other girls. Her expression was hard to interpret. “Hello, my name is Chloe and I believe that my whole life is a movie. If I act at times out of nowhere, it’s for my movie. I want my audience to love it and of course this part will be cut off so if you would just use a little emotion here and there, it would be great.”

The contestants plus Steve and minus Tree laugh uncontrollably.

“What an idiot,” Lilly says and most of the others nod in agreement.

Newton is not laughing either. He explains, “All of us here are considered idiots so if you’d be a little nice, that’d be great. Though, I'm not an idiot...”

Chloe starts to cry. She gets on her knees and looks to the sky, praying out loud, “Why does my life have to be so hard? WHY?”

“I didn’t know this show was a soap opera,” Django claims. “I thought it was a comedy about insane freaks.”

Chloe stops crying rather fast. She replies, “That was all an act right there. It was good, wasn’t it? Anyways, if the show was about insane freaks then why would I be on the show? I’m the most dramatic person Total Drama has ever seen.”

“Because you are a freak honey,” Channary says patting her on the back. She giggles and walks away.

“Brighter than the sun!” Adele sings while everyone looks at her. “Sorry, sometimes I have these spasms when a song is stuck in my head.” She pauses a second. “Oh, this is how it starts. Lightning strikes the heart. Goes out like a gun. Brighter than the sun.”

Steve rubs his head. He says, “I’m confused. I’m pretty sure this is all the contestants, anyways.”

“No, it’s not.” Newton exclaims puzzled. “We are probably only halfway through this episode!” He looks towards the sea. “I see a boat coming anyways but I don’t see anyone on it.”

The boat comes in and drops off a midget. He wore a hat and wore a black and white striped shirt with baggy skinny jeans. He had a devious expression on his face.

“You must be Perry,” Steve says frowning. “This is our antagonist of the season!”

Wonka jumps up and down. He says, “Is he related to THE Perry from Phineas and Ferb?”

“No, I’m not.” Perry says slapping Wonka.

Wonka holds his face. “OW! I didn’t know a five year old named after a platypus could slap that hard!”

“I’m not five! I’m sixteen years old!” Perry yells. “Call me Mafia. It’s an epic antagonist name.”

April smirks. “Sixteen my a--" The contestants stare at April. “I was going to say armadillo.”

“Sixteen my armadillo?” Newton questions. “It’s unlikely but not impossible with this bunch of people.”

“Okay guys, let’s keep this show G-rated.” Steve says with a hint of seriousness in his voice.

Perry crosses his arms and stomps on the ground. “I demand to be on a TV-MA rated show! Mafia isn’t a little kid’s word you know.”

“Aw,” Steve says. “Aren’t you such a cutie? Thinking you were TV-MA rated. Too bad you aren't old enough to watch those shows.”

“How stupid are you!?” Perry demands madly. “I’m sixteen and I’ve watched Nightmare on Elmo Street, Christmas, and Saturday the 14th!”

“Sure you have,” Steve suggests patting Perry on the back.

“Okay guys,” Chloe says out of nowhere. “Right now, I’m going to fake a drowning so I could make a more dramatic scene for the movie. Someone dive in after I fall.” She randomly flails into the ocean.

Everyone looks at each other.

“Is anyone going to save her?” Newton questions unimpressed.

Wonka raises his hand.

Newton looks at Wonka unimpressed. He asks, “Can you do it, Wonka?”

Wonka laughs. “Are you serious? I only can swim in a pool that contains chocolate.”

Newton sighs glaring at the other contestants. “I’ll do it but for the record, you guys so owe me.”

Before Newton jumps in, Lilly adds in, “One person losing the competition on the first episode would be nice, but I guess some people only have one chance at life. Why can't I be Princess Peach?”

Newton dives in and after a few dramatic seconds he comes out with Chloe 'unconscious'.

“I know CPR!” Django says rushing to Chloe. He starts to do CPR and Chloe props her head up.

Chloe looks to the side and her other side. She asks the other contestants, “What happened? Last I remember, I arrived and hit a nail. It’s all foggyy from there.” She pauses. “End scene. How was that for acting? Good, wasn’t it.”

The contestants mumble and look at the water to see another boat coming. Atop of it stood a recognizable face.

“Oh god,” April says. “It’s Izzy’s long lost cousin!”

“The chick who burned down Animal Kingdom in Disney world!” Adele sings.

The insane chick with blue hair jumps off the boat and belly flops onto the dock. She gets back up rather quickly for that big of a fall and smiles. “It’s the deranged Kim!”

“She forced me to pick her to be on the show,” Steve explains. “But I would’ve picked her anyways. She has blue hair! How cool is that? Pretty dang super duper cool.”

“I can’t believe you’re the girl who burned down Disney World,” Perry says drooling. “I am your idol!”

Kim blushes and retorts, “I didn’t mean to burn it down. It just kind of happened. Never play with a match kids.”

“I’m eighteen,” Channary states. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

“I’m twenty-one and I still can’t play with matches!” Steve states.

Lilly, playing a DS, replies, “Like we wouldn't have guessed that.

A random kid appears behind the group. He wore a blue shirt and was rather tall. He had thin brown hair and foam dripped out of his mouth. But, most importantly he held a phone in his hand. “Hello guys.”

“Hi Fred Figglehorn,” Steve says hugging him.

“Hi Steve, not the one from The Office or the one that just died who invented this IPhone!” Fred says holding up his phone. “Or the one who in that movie had twelve kids. Twelve is just one more kid that me and Judy will have. Oh and not that guy who failed on Dancing with the Stars. So, you must be the Steve that has no life!”

“Yep, that’s me!” Steve replies.

“I’m no genius but I think you just humiliated yourself on live television.” Kim says. “Wait, you’re THAT Fred Figglehorn. Your voice is sooo cool. What’s with the phone?”

Fred creates a devious smile upon his face. “I was hoping someone would ask why I had the phone. You see, my Fred videos were the most subscribed on YouTube until this stupid newbie also named Kevin passed me with subscribers, another Kevin that I hate with my life! So, I decided to strive to be most subscribed on Twitter and right now I’m close to passing Ellen DeGeneres. I’m booked on her show in a few months. Man, how awkward will that be.”

“If you already are famous and have money,” Django starts. “Then why did you audition for this show?”

“To get more Twitter followers you idiot,” Fred says smacking his forehead. “Sometimes I swear people are just born stupid.”

Django rolls his eyes and walks over to another person.

“You still love Judy, the one you’ve loved since Kindergarten?” Channary asks. “You’d think that’d you’d give up on that by now, but I guess some people never learn that they aren't wanted. It’s okay, I’ve been turned down before. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Fred begins to have a small spasmodic attack. Fred replies, “Judy will be mine! By the time she’ll be watching this, we will have a cottage in Paris, Texas eating some apple pie with my eleven kids. Hi Judy of the future! After this episode, it’d probably be good to make out with me because I’m sooo awesome.”

“Why do you still have a squeaky voice?” Wonka questions.

Fred holds up a plastic knife. He responds, “I had to bring that out at least once this episode. Um, I have no idea. I don’t think I’ve gone through... the... puberty! There I said it.”

“Oh okay,” Wonka says happily. “My friends say I haven’t matured since ever, so it’s probably equal. Something about still putting chocolate on toast but I don’t really know.”

“Yay, I have a first friend!” Fred says excitedly.

“As long as your foam doesn’t get on my head, I accept.” Wonka replies clapping his hands together making a louder noise than supposed to.

A honking comes from a boat ahead it carried a pale dude in a squirrel costume. He has a lot of acne spread out around his face. He walks off the dock happily. “Squirrel!”

“Here is “Squirrel”, our squirrel loving contestant.” Steve announces.

He smiles and says, “Squirrel.”

“Oh and he only can say squirrel, his name. It’s pretty awkward, but that’s why we picked all of you with the exception of Newton and a few other sane contestants coming.” Steve explains pleased.

“I’m not insane,” Chloe says glaring at Steve. “I just don’t believe any of this is actually happening.”

“That’s totally sane,” April murmurs to herself sarcastically. “Just like that rabbit over there.”

“Squirrel, squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel. Squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel. Squirrel squirrel squirrel!” “Squirrel” says.

Everyone stares at him strangely.

Adele starts to sing. “Since "Squirrel" doesn’t how to say anything, he’s going to get really annoying.”

“Squirrel,” “Squirrel” says frowning.

“Well, I’m already starting to get annoyed at him.” Steve says. “The next contestant is Ferguson, according to the note cards I was given. Although, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to mention that on live television. Oh well.”

A boat speeds onto shore carrying a short and plump red head with freckles all over his body. He carried bags and bags of luggage. There had to be at least twenty bags if the author had to make an estimate.

“What’s in that stuff, dude?” Django asks. “You must like to dress up like I do, that’s so cool.”

Ferguson stares at Django emontionless and then replies, “No, it’s not clothes. I’ll tell you but it’s a pretty long list.”

“Surprise me.”

Ferguson sighs. He says, “Let’s see if I can remember this. The complete Friends collection, The Amazing Race 19, Survivor: Samoa, All That seasons 1-2, Clarissa Explains It All collection, Dora the Explorer season three, Total Drama: Boney Island, Total Drama Island, Hannah Montana season four, Glee season one volume one,”

TEN MINUTES LATER.

“Finally, the failed show Barney in High School.” Ferguson stands up proudly. He sees Django on the ground asleep. “I thought that list was entertaining. I've really cut down on the normal amount of DVD's I bring. I even managed to bring Barney in High School is pretty epic.”

“Barney in high school probably wouldn’t work out well,” Steve admits. “The ninth guy who recently replaced Barney just didn’t have what the other eight had.”

“I love the dodgeball episode,” Lilly says chuckling. “Barney deserved to get hit in all those places.”

“I’m not an expert on television but I’m pretty sure that’s why the show was canceled,” Newton explains.

Ferguson burps at Steve. He says, “Hey you, the Steve guy. When are you going to tell us where the lounge is? I’ve gone six hours without television. That’s enough for me.”

“Lounge?” Steve asks bamboozled. “The only place that we have here is the outhouse, the four bedrooms, kitchen, and dining room. We don’t have any televisions.”

Ferguson slaps Steve in the face crazily. “Say what now? There are some outlets, right?”

“Ow, my jaw is broken,” Steve says gloomily. “Yeah we have outlets. I didn’t expect you to slap that hard. Anyways, while you were giving that whole speech about the shows you watch, Shelly arrived.”

The camera points to a tall blond haired chick. She looked at the other contestants, “Anybody up for a big game of Hide and Seek after everyone else comes.”

Perry is cracking up. He responds, “You can’t be serious. I don’t play hide and go seek. I can’t say the same about the rest of the people here.”

“She’s dead serious,” Steve states. “She still loves to play little kid games.”

“Hey!” Shelly says offended. “I happen to know three people older than you that still love to play hide and seek.”

“Ooh, let me guess,” Fred says raising his hand excitedly. “I bet it’s your mom, dad, and grandma!”

Shelly puts her arms on her face gasping. “You must be a psychic. How’d you know?”

“Well, I’m not psychic although that would be really sexy. I bet Judy would dig that.” Fred replies. “I just guessed because my mom, my imaginary dad and grandma still play hide and go seek with me too!”

“I haven’t played that game since I was two,” Newton admits. “Isn’t that game for little kids? By the time I was three, the only game I liked to play was checkers.”

“By the time I was three, I still thought this was real life.” Chloe laughs as if she were normal. “Look how wrong I was.”

Shelly steps a few steps back from Chloe. She says, “That’s good to know I guess.”

“Squirrel,” “Squirrel” says randomly.

A very noisy boat comes in with a short guy with glasses and a sweater vest. He pushed his glasses in and walked off the boat with pride.

“This is Artie,” Steve reveals.

Ferguson passes out for a brief moment falling into Adele’s hands. Adele lifts Ferguson up. He says, “Aren’t you that person from Glee? How come you aren’t in the wheelchair?”

“Well, that’s because I’m not the guy from Glee.” Artie explains. “I guess I might resemble him. But, I’ve never seen that show.”

Newton rubs his head. He admits, “You don’t seem to have any problems.”

“Thank you?” Artie says confused. “Oh right, this show is called Total Drama Idiots. Crap, so all the hot girls are probably dumb. Darn.”

“Wow, that’s a way to make a person feel good,” Adele sings.

Artie rolls his eyes and spots Kim. He runs up to her. He asks, “What’s your name? I’m Artie and you are hot.”

“I’m Kim, the person who blew up Disney World!” Kim says smiling.

Ferguson nudges Artie in the arm softly. He whispers to him, “I advise you to not go out with her. I’ve seen this all happen before. A guy falling in love with a psycho hose beast is very tragic. It’s just like what happened to Jimmy from Raising Hope.”

“Okay, I was just going to introduce myself.” Artie whispers back.

Artie walks up to Kim and holds out his hand. Kim squeezes his hand and shocks him with a joy buzzer. Artie falls to the ground shocked. He says, “Ow! That can’t be a normal joy buzzer. Those don’t hurt that bad.”

“It’s not it’s one that this guy gave to me from the ghetto,” Kim explains. “It was weird. His name was Pablo.” Kim laughs a little. “Pablo is a funny name.”

“Yeah, I guess it is...” Artie says turned off by Kim.

A boat swerves in almost nailing the dock. It carried a tall girl glued to her phone. She looked at the other contestants, “Hi, my name is Porsche.”

“Curse you Jimmy Fallon, don’t say something like that to me on Twitter. Now, I’ll tell all my followers to stop following you!” Fred says insanely. He looks up and sees Porsche. He starts to drool and walks up to her. “Are you a Twitter lover like me?”

“No, I love texting,” Porsche explains. “But I do have a Twitter account.” She looks closely at his face. “Hey aren’t you that kid on YouTube? I follow you on there and Twitter.”

Fred laughs in a drunken way. He says, “Yeah. I’m that kid. What do you think of my Twitter posts?”

Porsche chuckles at Fred. “I think they are pretty epic and funny although I do love your videos.”

“Why thanks,” Fred replies still looking love struck. “Well, I’m just going to go talk with that Channary girl now.”

She rolls her eyes and walks over to other contestants.

A boat comes in to the shore going medium speed. This time, two girls exited the boat. One was very fashionable. Her expression was very happy and she wore these odd gloves on her hands. The other seemed to be very different. She wore a cheerleading outfit and you could tell she was one of those popular girls. The fashionable one talks first. She says, “Hi, my name is Khloe.”

“Another Khloe in this game?” Wonka asks sadly. “This game already confuses me and it’s not even day two yet.”

Khloe smiles nevertheless. “Well, it’s still a pleasure to meet you all. Who’s the other Chloe?”

“That would be me,” Chloe answers. “I believe that we are in a movie.”

Khloe stares at the ground feeling awkward. “Oh...”

“What about me?” The other girl asks. “Was I just sent here to be thrown in the trash? I don’t think so. I’m Kourtney with a K and if you aren’t my friend I will kill you with a K.”

The contestants back away besides Perry grinning.

“You seem like my type, babe,” Perry says.

Khloe shrieks, “Who is that dead guy laying on the ground?”

“Yeah, who is that?” Porsche asks.

“That is Tree,” Steve answers. “He fainted after he saw a lot of weight being put on what he put as ‘precious wood’. Honestly, I think this wood could probably hold up. He should be back up soon. But for now, I think it’s for the best that he is down.”

“I actually agree with the host,” Newton admits.

Kourtney starts laughing. She explains, “You guys thought I was a villain when really I made this whole thing up. I’m just someone who loves to act.”

A boat comes fast throwing off the last contestant. A regular looking kid with a small smile. He says, “Hi, I was told I’m the last contestant and yeah.”

“Well, you missed a lot!” Fred says back.

“Are you that guy from YouTube?” Andy questions happily.

Fred sighs and says, “Of course I am. How dumb can you be? Pretty dumb I guess.”

“Let’s be nice,” Steve says. “Some people get their feelings hurt easily. Anyways, Andy is the second and only pretty much sane contestant here. Now, I am being told that I should now separate you into teams.”

A random noise is heard. The camera goes to Tree getting up from the ground. Tree shrieks as loud as he can, “The dock isn’t that stable get off quickly into the grass. I can’t let the precious wood die on such an awful day.”

The contestants reluctantly get off, dragging their luggage behind them.

“As I was saying,” Steve continues. “We’ll be split up into random teams that I’m making up as I go the first team will be the Screaming Parasites made up of Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, Shelly, Channary, Tree, Django, Andy, Newton, and Artie. The other team will consist of Porsche, Lilly, April, Adele, Chloe, Ferguson, Fred, “Squirrel”, Wonka, and Perry. They will be called the Killer Bacteria. Now, I’m being told that we have run out of time. Find out next time when we’ll give them their rooms, have a first challenge and have a awesome first elimination. Find out what happens next on TOTAL DRAMA IDIOTS!”

Chapter Two- Character Analysis

Written by: Frank

“Can someone fix my makeup?” Chloe asked, as she was walking with the others behind Steve, taking them over to their cabins. “I think I need a touch up. I want to look just right for my reaction to the next scene.”

“I’m covered in sewage,” Channary said. “You’ll live.”

“It smells so real,” Chloe said, holding her nose, and waving her other hand in front of her face. “I guess they wanted my genuine reaction.” Channary slapped her own face, frustrated.

“Yeah,” Steve said, stopping before a telephone booth. “This is the confessional for this season.” Chloe gasped, then fainted. A few seconds later, she perked her head up, with everyone else staring at her. “So how was that?”

“Amazing,” Steve said. “Anyway, the phone booth is soundproof. Or at least, I think. I might change my mind and get another confessional thigamajig if I don‘t like this one, though. But, I mean who doesn't love Telephone Booths? Haven‘t really made up my mind for sure, and I did see that nice candy machine that I thought might work nicely.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Chloe: Wow. This phone booth looks so authentic. I wonder if they made it so it actually works. (Chloe dials the phone, and picks up the receiver.) Hello, Mummy? Yes, it is I, your wonderful daughter calling to check up! I love you too, bye! (Chloe hangs up the phone.) I really love the woman they hired to play my Mum. She’s almost like a real mother.

Porsche: (tries to text using the telephone in the booth, then groans and bangs the receiver on the telephone base) This thing is junk! I don’t know how people used to text with this thing!


“Yeah,” Steve said, stopping before the cabins, and turned to the others. “These are the cabins. Screaming Parasites on the left, Killer Viruses on the right.”

Lilly raised her hand. “I’m pretty sure we were the Killer Bacteria.”

“That’s what he said,” April stated, sounding bored.

“Uh, yeah, what she said,” Steve said. “So you can all go to your cabins and get settled in.”

“Which side is the boys’ side, and which side is the girls’ side, if I may inquire?” Newton asked.

“Boys on the right, girls on the left, Newton,” Steve said. Kim looked excited, then took a bite out of Newton.

“Yeowch!” Newton yelled, holding his arm in pain. “What was that for?!”

Kim pointed to Steve. “He called you Newton. You don’t taste like a Newton, though. I think you’ve gone stale.”

Newton sighed. “I am not a cookie.”

Kim waved her hand dismissively to Newton. “Of course not! You’re fruit and cake!”

Tree looked in shock, walked up to the cabins, then looked to the sky, and cried out. “Why?!”

Steve turned around, looking confused. “Why what?”

Tree walked up to his cabin, and lovingly pat the wood. “These poor trees. How... how could you.” Tree shed a tear.

Chloe put on a pair of reading glasses as she looked at a script she was holding, then took them off and walked over to Tree, and pat him on the back, still looking at her script. “There, there. Everything will be all right, Tim. We shall right this wrong and avenge those poor innocent kids who have suffered.”

Tree raised an eyebrow. “My name’s not Tim.”

Chloe smiled, then pointed to her script, at a point where it said ‘my name’s not Tim.’ “You’re pretty good.” Tree rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, why don’t you all get settled in,” Steve said. “After that, I’ll show you to the cafeteria.”

“I hope they serve tater tots!” Fred said, then laughed obnoxiously at his own joke. "By the way, follow me on Twitter!"

“Everyone on your team is lucky to have you there,” April said.

“Oh, I know,” Porsche said as she was walking aimlessly past, not even looking up from her cell, typing away as if she were a secretary on a typewriter.

“Wait,” Fred squeaked, looking overly excited. “That girl’s happy to see me?! Oh joy! What’s her name?”

“It’s uh... Cadillac,” April said. “Why her parents Brittany and Alvin named her that, I have no idea.”

“Ooh la la,” Fred said, then took out his plastic knife. “I’m going to need my best knife for this one.” Fred combed his hair with the knife, then walked over to Porsche. “Uh, hi.” Porsche continued texting, ignoring Fred. “So, I was just wondering... doyouwannabemygirlfriend?”

“No,” Porsche said, her eyes widened with fear. “No! No!” Fred started crying and ran to the Telephone Booth.

Confession Telephone Booth

Porsche: (breathing deeply) Thank goodness that was only a false alarm! I thought for a second my battery died on me, but I just accidentally turned my phone off. Really had me scared for a moment, that I might have to compete here without having my phone! I couldn’t live without my phone with unlimited texting!

Fred: OH MY GOD! (cries for a moment and randomly stops) Maybe this is fate telling me I belong with JUDY!

“Wait!” Steve shouted, rushing over to Khloe, who was starting to enter the wrong cabin. “Where are you going?!”

“Um, going into my cabin, pick out a bed, put my stuff down?” Khloe asked, looking confused.

“My God, you are such an idiot, I swear,” Steve said, putting his hand on Khloe’s shoulder and shaking his head.

“I’m really not stupid,” Khloe said, looking somewhat hurt. “You said I was on the Killer Bacteria team.”

“No I did not!” Steve said, grinding his teeth. “Team Bacteria consists of Porsche, Lilly, April, Adele, Chloe, Ferguson--”

“I’m Khloe,” Khloe said, then suddenly smiled and started to laugh. “Oh, you meant the other Chloe was on this team.”

“Uh, duh,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes, then handing Khloe a script. “Did you even read the script?”

“I didn’t get one?” Khloe asked, blinking at the script handed to her.

“Well, please rehearse your part,” Chloe said.

“She’s a model,” Steve said. “You know how stupid models are.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Khloe: (sighs and holds her gloved hands together in her lap) I guess it’s not that surprising. Everyone thinks models are vapid, stupid, and shallow, and if I’m not careful, Steve is going to use that confusion between me and the other Chloe to make me look stupider than I really am, even though I’m not! He's dumber than me!

Chloe: (holding up a script to the camera) That’s what Khloe with a k gets for not reading the script. If she had read it like she was supposed to, then she would have clearly realized that she was obviously meant for the Screaming Parasites, and I, Chloe with a c, the Killer Bacteria. She really needs to come to work better prepared than that.

“Wow, this place is nice,” April said, walking into the girls’ side of the Killer Bacteria cabin. Almost immediately, a ceiling light fixture fell onto Lilly.

“Ow...” Lilly moaned.

“I don’t know why you’re complaining,” April said.

“Well I think you’re both hideous!” Chloe exclaimed.

“Yeah, that’s why every boy back home wants to date me,” April stated, looking oddly serious.

“Well, you’re not the first person to tell me that,” Lilly said, rubbing her head where the light fixture hit. “Still, it hurts. At least I wasn't playing my DS. Can't break another."

“Want to make something of it?” Chloe asked.

“Tell me just why oh why, doo da n starting a fight,” Adele sang.

Chloe sighed. “It’s in my script, though I get the feeling I’m the only one who’s actually read it.”

“This is real life,” Lilly said.

Confession Telephone Booth

Chloe: Real life? Ridiculous. I mean, in this scene alone, we have a character who apparently has trouble even with the easiest video games, a character who can literally not not sing anything she says, a character who cannot be pulled away from her phone to stop her from texting, and... actually, I’m not entirely sure who April is playing. My role for the scene was to play the mean girl who wanted to start drama, though And my castmates seem nice enough, but they also seem really unprepared. I hope they get their acts together, because if I’m playing the villain, then I want the heroes to take my down by the end of the film!

“I want that bed,” Chloe said, pushing Lilly out of one of the beds and onto the floor.

“I thought you wanted the other bed,” Lilly said.

“I want both beds,” Chloe said. “This way I can switch during the night.”

“You can’t do that!” Lilly yelled.

“Well who’s going to stop me, you?” Chloe asked. “Ha ha ha, I think not!”

Confession Telephone Booth

Chloe: (smiling bright) I love playing the mean girl! But I also can’t wait for the scene where Lilly has had enough and stands up to my character! Really, I bet she’s awesome to hang out with in real life. I wonder what her real name is, anyway? I know her character’s name is Lilly, but it’d be nice to know some of these people’s real life names.

“Squirrel,” Squirrel said, watching the television in the boy’s side of the Killer Bacteria cabin.

“No, chipmunks,” Ferguson said. “Chip ‘n Dale are chipmunks. Cartoon squirrels have big, bushy tails.”

Squirrel cocked his head like a squirrel. “Squirrel?”

“Chipmunk,” Ferguson said, looking at Squirrel intently. “Chip. Munk.”

Squirrel nodded. “Squirrel.”

Fred perked up his head. “Did he just say ‘I love cupcakes, and I really hope we have some with fluffy pink frosting for lunch?”

“No, I’m pretty sure he said ‘squirrel,’” Ferguson said.

“Oh, never mind then,” Fred said, lowering his head.

“Ooh, chocolate-covered squirrel sounds delightfully delicious, does it not?” Wonka asked.

“Squirrel!” Squirrel yelled, looking afraid, then ran out the room through the wall, leaving a Squirrel-shaped hole in the wall.

“Ah, a bit of chocolate can patch that right up, yes.”

“Where’s Perry?” Ferguson asked.

“I’m right here,” Perry said, in the top bunk of one of the beds. “And call me Mafia.”

“Can I call you Agent P?”

“No.”

“Because that’s one of my favorite characters in one of my top two hundred TV shows!”

“Don’t care,” Mafia said, glaring down at Ferguson. “You can call me Mafia, lest you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.”

“I’ve slept with my goldfish before,” Fred squeaked, perking up. “It wasn’t really that comfortable, though. It was really really really hard to fit in the bowl.”

“How did you fit?” Ferguson asked.

“Because Fiddlehorn likes chocolate,” Wonka said. “With a little imagination, and a dash of chocolate, you can chocolate all the chocolate you chocolate!”

Confession Telephone Booth

Ferguson: (leaning back) I’m pretty sure I’ve got this made. With my knowledge of almost every television show there is, I know enough obscure trivia that I should win easy. Yep, yep yep.

Mafia: I’m pretty certain I was miscast, since everyone else here is an idiot. I don’t really see how I can lose against these guys, though. Way too easy.

Fred: Isn’t it funny how Ferguson looks almost exactly like how I envision a forgetful girl to look like? Wait, did Wonka just call me Fiddlehorn???

“This isn’t your room. Could you please leave?”

“Shush,” Kim said, sniffing Newton’s hair as he was sitting on the floor in the boys’ side of the Screaming Parasites cabin. “You smell stale. When was your expiration date?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s not a cookie,” Andy said, sitting in his bed.

“Uh, duh,” Kim said, then giggled. “He’s fruit and cake!”

“Well, you know, the other girls might be forming an alliance in their room,” Andy said. “It’d be a shame if you missed out because you were harass.. I mean, showing Newton affection.”

Kim gasped. “You’re right! I don’t want to miss out! But don’t worry, my little cake. I’ll be back.” Kim put on a huge smile as she mushed Newton’s hair, then skipped out the room.

“Finally,” Newton said, then sighed. “I was tiring of her.”

“I wish she’d have been doing that to me,” Artie said, then sighed.

“You’re crazy,” Andy said.

“I wish she’d have noticed me,” a giant Fig Newton said in the room.

Andy blinked. “OK, how the heck did we miss that?”

“Django?” Newton asked.

“Of course,” Django said. “Really would’ve been nice if she’d noticed me here.”

“You actually brought a Fig Newton costume with you?” Andy asked.

“I brought every costume with me, just in case,” Django said.

“Like, all of your costumes? How many is that?” Andy asked.

Every costume,” Django said.

“Like, every costume in the world?” Andy asked. “So like, if I wanted to see you dressed like, say, Chris McLean, you could do that?”

“Yes,” Django said, dressed as Chris.

Newton’s eyes widened. “How did you do that?”

“Not bad,” Andy said, stroking his chin. “But what if I wanted to see you dressed as Xuxa Meneghel?”

“Done!” Django said, dressed as the Brazilian star. "I don't usually dress up as women though."

“I don’t have any idea who that is, but I really like her,” Artie said, wiping drool from his mouth.

“Here’s a hard one,” Andy said, smirking. “I bet you don’t have a costume of Plinko.”

“Don’t I?” Django asked, dressed as the Plinko board, with working lights and pegs and all.

“Can you put the Shoo.. what’s-her-name costume back on?” Artie said. “I liked that one.”

“I dunno’... I’m feeling weird today,” Django said, dressed as Weird Al Yankovic.

“Ooh, do you do song parodies?” Artie asked.

“That’s what I had in mind!” Django said, clearing his throat.

Confession Telephone Booth

Tree: I can’t believe those heathens! Selling their souls just for shelter! The trees are all the shelter I need, not a cabin made from wood that was cruelly gotten from murdered trees! (Tree puts his head in his hands and starts crying.)

“You all seem nice,” Khloe said, smiling at her roommates in the girls’ side of the Screaming Parasites cabin.

“I try to be,” Kourtney said, sitting on her bed with her hands propping her body up. “A lot of people don’t really like much back home, though.”

“Aww, I’m sorry,” Khloe said, then walked over to give Kourtney a hug.

“You’re hugging me with those gloves on?” Kourtney asked.

“And I think I’ve figured out why people may not like you much,” Channary muttered to herself.

“Do you care to speak up?” Kourtney asked, glaring at Channary.

“You seem a little spoiled, that’s all,” Channary said matter-of-factly.

“Really?” Khloe asked. “I think she just didn’t care for the gloves. These are just to protect my hands. I do need to keep them looking their best, after all!” Khloe gave Courtney a huge, bright smile.

Kourtney smiled. “It’s OK, really. I am a bit spoiled back at home. I really try to control that, but it’s just how I was raised, so it is a bit difficult sometimes. You’ll tell me if I need to tone it down, I hope.”

“Sure,” Khloe said, beaming. “You seem so nice! I don’t want people to not like you for no good reason. And if no one else wants to be your friend, I‘m willing to be that person!”

“Thank you,” Kourtney said, smiling. “You know, we could all be in an alliance, make sure that, in the unlikely event that our team loses, we have each others’ backs, and make sure we stay safe.”

“Of course,” Khloe said, smiling bright.

Shelly nervously looked over toward Khloe and Kourtney while seemingly playing Go Fish against herself on the floor. “I don’t know. Aren’t those usually evil, and stuff?”

“Yes,” Channary said.

“They don’t have to be,” Khloe said. “I know Heather was mean, but Kourtney and I are both nice. We can just figure out which of the guys is the meanest, and vote him off if we lose.”

“Say we all made it to the final four,” Channary said. “What happens then?”

Khloe tapped her chin in thought for a few seconds. “I don’t know, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out!”

“At that point, we’ll simply have to vote off our own,” Kourtney said. “We’re all mature here, though, and I hope there will be no hard feelings when that happens.”

“What if you’re the one we vote out?” Channary asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kourtney shrugged. “If that’s what the rest of you want, I suppose I’ll accept my fate.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Khloe: I don’t really like playing favorites, and I hate having just one best friend, but I feel kind of bad for Kourtney. It’d be really nice if we could both make the final two!

Channary: Don’t really like this whole alliance thing at all. I trust Kourtney about as far as I can throw her, and Shelly is an idiot. I mean, even for this show. But, at the same time, I don’t really want to be targeted too soon, either.

“I’m in,” Channary said.

Shelly shrugged. “Why not. Might be fun pretending to be the villain!”

“Ooh, ooh!” Kim exclaimed, barging into the room. “If you’re all talking about an alliance, I want in!”

Khloe blinked. “How did you know what we were talking about? Were you listening in on us from outside?”

“Nah,” Kim said, waving dismissively to Khloe. “Andy told me what you were up to. And I want in!”

“You blew up Disney World,” Kourtney said.

“It was an accident,” Kim said, trying to look innocent, rubbing her foot against the floor. “I wish people would believe me.”

“I believe you,” Khloe said, smiling.

“Really?”

Khloe hung her head in shame. “No, but I don’t want to judge you. I don’t know your side of the story, so I’m not going to worry too much about it.”

“Good enough!” Kim exclaimed, glomping Khloe. “That’s like one of the nicest things anyone’s ever told me!”

“Really?” Kourtney asked. “That’s actually pretty depressing. Well, if it makes you feel better, I believe you.”

Kim sniffled, then wiped her nose with her hand, and wiped it on Kourtney, who looked freaked out, then she pulled Kourtney and Khloe together, toward her own body. “Aww, you girls are the best!” Kim looked around suspiciously, then started whispering. “I just hope you two still think so when this is over!” Kourtney and Khloe looked a bit worried.

Confession Telephone Booth

Kim: You know, I kind of wanted to burn down our cabin, since I thought “ooh, fun, burn baby burn, ha ha! But you know, I’d feel kind of bad if I left my new BFFs Khloe and Kourtney without a roof over their heads, so I decided nah. At least not without their permission. Or maybe later on I might, who knows! I don’t! They’re like the best friends I ever had! I hope, anyway. I kind of scare off most of my friends. I really hope I’ve found two here that will accept me for me.

Khloe: (her eye twitching) I’m... trying. Kim seems nice, but honestly, she scares me. Still, she seems to like me, so I don’t want to let her down. I feel kind of guilty for being scared. She really needs a friend.

The contestants were all gathered in the cafeteria, with most of them sitting at one of two tables, depending on the team they were on.

“I can’t believe we get pizza!” Django exclaimed, still dressed as Weird Al, taking a slice of pizza from the cafeteria counter and onto his plate.

“It’s really cheap frozen pizza,” Kourtney said, taking a bite cautiously. “It’s not that good.”

“So what, just eat it,” Channary said.

“That’s my line,” Django said, dressed up in a Weird Al costume, as he was sitting down at the Screaming Parasites table.

“Anyone want to play a game?” Shelly asked, shuffling a deck of cards like a pro. “I’m partial to Go Fish, but I’m open for suggestions. Crazy Eights? Memory? War? Fifty-Two Pick Up?”

“How about ‘chainsaw to the table!” Kim exclaimed, whipping out a chainsaw from behind her back and revving it up.

“Not now,” Kourtney said. Kim looked disappointed, then sniffled and put the chainsaw away.

Confession Telephone Booth

Kim: I bet the chainsaw really impressed Newton! He looks like a chainsaw-lovin’ kind of guy, ha ha!

Newton: Kim really scares me. Pretty sure she’ll be one of the first we vote off. For my, I mean, our safety.

“Urgh, I died again! This game cheats!”

“What game are you playing?” Shelly asked, looking over Lilly’s shoulder at the end of her table. “It sounds too hard, and scary, the way you keep yelling at your game.”

“Barney’s Hide and Seek,” Lilly said. “Don’t be fooled, this game is harder than it looks.”

“You can’t die in that game,” Shelly said. “It doesn’t even let you fall off cliffs. Can I play it, though?”

Lilly handed her game over. “Good luck, ‘cause you’ll need it.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Shelly: I love Barney’s Hide and Seek! It’s one of my favorite favorite video games ever, and... actually, I have no idea how Lilly was dying. I actually tried killing myself just to check, and nope, not possible.

Lilly: Well, yeah, of course she was good at it. It’s one of her favorite all-time games! No way she’d have won if it were her first time playing, though.

“I’m pretty good at this game,” Shelly said. “Though I’m pretty sure everyone’s good at this game. At least those who can overlook that it’s a game for very young kids and see the game for the wonderful gem that it is.”

“I mostly play it because it’s relatively easy, and sometimes the big boy games give me a little bit of trouble,” Lilly said nervously.

“I brought Candyland with me,” Shelly said. “We can play that some time. It’s all luck, so we have an equal chance of winning!”

“Candyland and I never really got along,” Lilly said nervously. “Plumpy seemed to stalk me everywhere. I hate Plumpy!”

“It’s OK,” Shelly said, giggling. “I get Plumpy sometimes, too.”

“Not sometimes,” Lilly said. “All the time. Usually several times without even reshuffling the deck. I really think my parents bought five or six copies of the game just so they could stick the extra Plumpy cards in the deck."

Shelly blinked. “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s kind of cruel. I’ll tell you what, I’ll take the Plumpy card out of the deck when we play. I’ve got a few other games too, though. Memory, Hi Ho Cherry-O, Chutes and Ladders, and even Sorry!, even though that one’s really more of a game for grown-ups. Or we could play like hide and seek sometime. This looks like it’d be a fun place to play that.”

“I dunno’,” Lilly said, looking at her game system. “I’m not really a big fan of outside games.”

“It’ll be fun!” Shelly said.

“What are you doing?!” Mafia shot up, yelling at Lilly. “She’s on the other team! We don’t talk to the other team! She’s trying to infiltrate our team, and you’re letting her!”

“I’m not trying to inflate your team,” Shelly said. “I just like Lilly. She’s nice, and fun!”

Mafia narrowed his eyes, then pointed to his eyes with two fingers, then to Shelly’s eyes with two fingers.

Confession Telephone Booth

Shelly: I really really don’t know what Perry’s problem is. I’m so going to invent a game that Lilly can win! I kind of feel bad that she’s so bad at everything, but I really hope not at the game! Even if we’re on different teams, I want her to stick around when we merge together, and then we can play without mean team members complaining about inflation or anything.

Mafia: Lilly is what, in my line of work, we call a rat. And rats must be exterminated.

“OMG, my BFF Jill,” Porsche said, while typing on her cell, with Fred sitting behind her, with little hearts coming from his head.

“She’s so perfect,” Fred squeaked. “So beautiful, and caring, and kind, and smart, and brave, and beautiful.”

“Yeah,” April said. “She’s something, all right.”

“Liek OFMG, this lozer behind me is like obsessed or something 4 sum reason,” Porsche texted. “He’s like a creepy stalker.”

“You’re so funny, Cadillac,” Fred said, then started laughing obnoxiously.

“And he won’t stop reading over my shoulder and keeps calling me Cadillac, for some reason,” Porsche texted.

Confession Telephone Booth

Porsche: (Porsche is texting on her cell, though it can’t be read. Porsche realizes after a few seconds, then giggles, looking embarrassed.) Whoops, sorry, forgot. Anyway, I texted ETFCKPOMWBTG. For the squares out there, it means ‘eww, this Flintstone creep keeps peeping on me while being totally grodie.

Fred: (smirking) She digs me. Judy can wait.

“All right, lunch is over,” Steve said. “Now everyone follow me out so we can start our first challenge.”

“I’d rather not,” Ferguson said, watching the TV in the cafeteria. “There’s a severe weather report I’m watching.”

Steve looked over at the TV. “That’s just static. That channel’s not coming in.”

“Oh,” Ferguson said, then walked over to change the channel, to some show with a loud guy yelling stuff. “I want to see this show.”

“It’s an infomercial,” Steve said.

“But I’ve always wanted one of whatever this guy is selling.”

“An elephant repellant?” Steve asked.

“How else am I going to be able to keep elephants away?” Ferguson asked. “I don’t want them stampeding when I’m trying to watch TV.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Ferguson: A few weeks ago, my family was killed in an elephant stamped. Well, actually, it wasn’t my family. And they weren’t actually killed. I was watching Jumanji on TV, but that proves just how useful an elephant repellant could be!

“OK, now that I finally have you here, I can explain the challenge,” Steve said, standing in front of the cabins, while the contestants were all shackled together.”

"I don’t like you,” Channary complained.

“That’s nice,” Steve said, then he took out a large jar filled with crumpled pieces of paper. “The first challenge is simple. All you have to do is act like another person here. The person who can stay in character the longest wins for their team. The other team will have to vote someone else tonight.”

“Sounds fun,” April said.

“But we don’t really know anyone very well,” Channary said. “How are we supposed to act like someone else here when we just met each other?”

“Do you think I'm hard to interpret?” Wonka asked. “I don’t see why you’d have to know anything else there is to me when you could make quite the comedy by turning me into a weird chocolate-loving guy who's really dumb.”

“The real you is so much deeper than that,” April said.

“Uh, yeah, what Wonka said,” Steve said, a bit confused, scratching his head. “Just go with some trait the person has and do that.”

“All right, first, let’s do Porsche,” Steve said, then took out a slip of paper. “Porsche, you get Channary.”

“I’m out,” Porsche said, texting away on her cell.

“You’re out?” Steve asked. “But we didn’t even start yet!”

“I don’t want to be anyone who doesn’t text,” Porsche said. “I can’t be away from my precious, precious text device!”

Channary blinked. “Not that I’m complaining, since you’re on the other team and all, but I do text frequently.”

“Not enough!” Porsche shouted.

“You could just text less,” April muttered.

“Artie,” Steve said, then took out and looked at a sheet of paper, “you’ll be playing the role of Khloe.”

“Oh, of course, I knew that would happen,” Artie said. “Because I read the script, so I knew I would be playing the role of Chloe, and I‘m totally hot. Oh my god, I have boobs!”

“Wrong Khloe,” Steve said, irritated.

“Wait the other Khloe doesn't have boobs?” Artie asked, then smiled. “I’m, like, even hotter than, like, the other Chloe, and I’m, like, not conceited at all, like! And I even know that two plus two equals sailboat, I is so smart and, like, totally hotter than everyone else here and I have boobs!”

“Really not funny,” Kourtney said, with her arms crossed over her chest, tapping one arm with the finger on her other hand. She then turned to Khloe, who looked distraught, and put an arm around her. “Might want to vote him off first, huh?”

Confession Telephone Booth

Khloe: (looking upset) What did I ever do to him?! I’m not stupid, and I really wish people would stop thinking that I am! I only signed up for this show because it was the only one that would accept me, apparently believing I’m like that stupid stereotype, but I am smart! I want to be given a chance to prove that!

Kim: Ha ha, I love Khloe. She’s like the Lindsay on our team. Like the biggest idiot ever, but she’s just so sweet I don’t care!

“We’ve got to move to Beverly-ee! Hills that is.” Adele sang, while wearing a Weird Al Yankovic costume.

“I think Adele gets it,” Steve said, then took out another piece of paper. “I’m afraid you’ll have to take your Weird Al costume off though, Django, ‘cause you have Fred.”

“Hi,” Django said, in a squeaky falsetto, wearing a Fred t-shirt. “I’m Fre--” Django started coughing uncontrollably. “This’ll be--” Django continued coughing again.

Confession Telephone Booth

Fred: I don’t talk like that! Well, I mean, it’s close, but it’d be a lot better without the coughing. Do I really cough that much? Maybe I’m just so used to it that I cough without noticing. (Fred gasps.) Maybe I’m coughing right now! I really need to pay more attention to that! I could have some horrible disease! Ooh, I really need to hold hands with Cadillac before I buy the farm! Because I need her there to make sure I’m getting a good deal! I love moo cows!

“Somehow, we already have two people out,” Steve said, then pulled out another piece of paper. “Squirrel, you get to be Lilly.” Steve looked over to Lilly, playing her PSP, then snatched it from her.

“Hey, I was playing that,” Lilly said, upset.

“He needs to borrow this,” Steve said, handing the game to Squirrel.

“Squirrel?” Squirrel asked, then started gnawing on it.

“I paid a lot of money for that,” Lilly said, dejected, then kicked a can that was conveniently on the ground in front of her.

“Khloe,” Steve said, “you are going to be playing Chloe.”

Khloe was grinning, though not doing anything, until a few seconds later, when she realized Steve was staring at her. “Oh, you meant me this time?”

“And you’re out,” Steve said, shaking his head. “Wow, you’re an idiot! Chloe would never need to be told that I was taking about her. On a totally off-topic random note, a milkshake sounds so good right now.”

“That’s not fair,” Khloe said, kicking the can that Lilly had apparently kicked to right in front of her.

“Don’t worry,” Kourtney said, smiling bright. “I know that wasn’t your fault. I’ll try twice as hard to win this for the both of us!”

“Thank you,” Khloe said, smiling weakly back.

Confession Telephone Booth

Channary: Poor Khloe. Just so gullible. Then again, so am I. I know all about having people use you. More than I wish I knew. I hate seeing that happen to other people.

“Channary,” Steve said, “you get Newton.”

Channary shrugged, then walked over to a table with flasks of colorful, smoking chemicals, and she put on a pair of goggles. “Mwahaha! I shall create!” Channary raised a flask to the sky. “For science!” Channary threw the flask to the ground, and it exploded, charring her face.

“I’m not a mad scientist,” Newton said, a bit irritated.

Chloe laughs, "Wait for episode six."

"Huh?" Newton asks.

“I think she’s pretty good,” Steve said. “She acts more like you than you do.”

“But I’m not mad!” Newton shouted.

“You looked like a mad scientist from the first picture we received,” Steve said, then ‘hmph’d.’ “I can’t tell you how disappointed the producers were when we had to replace that picture on the site with the one where you looked sane.”

“I still can’t believe my friends sent that picture in,” Newton said, shaking his head.

Confession Telephone Booth

Steve: Still kind of upset about that, really. We only wanted Newton on the show because we were expecting him to be a mad scientist. Normal scientists are just boring. If I wanted to meet a normal scientist, I would have gone to college.

Steve took away the PSP Squirrel was playing. “Sorry, but you’re out.” Steve looked at the PSP, then shook his head. “You managed to beat the first level. Lilly could never do something like that.”

“What,” Lilly said flatly. “All he did was chew on my game!”

“And yet, somehow, he managed to beat the first level anyway,” Steve said, then realized the PSP was covered in saliva, then cringed and dropped it. Lilly dove for it to save it from hitting the ground.

“Careful, please,” Lilly said.

“Well, you’re not going to be needing this anyway,” Steve said. “You have to be Porsche.”

“Um, I’m still going to need it for after the challenge,” Lilly said, putting the game in her pocket, then taking out a cell phone, and started texting on it.

“You’re really good at being able to resist playing your game,” Shelly said, smiling.

“It hasn’t even been a minute,” Lilly said, still texting on her phone. “I can at least hold out that long.”

“Well, good luck!” Shelly exclaimed.

“Uh, you do know she’s on the other team,” Andy said.

“I can’t wish her bad luck, though,” Shelly said. “I hope she’s like the last one out on her team!”

“Chloe,” Steve said, pulling out a piece of paper.

“Shush,” Chloe said, putting a finger over her mouth as she was watching a TV set that was conveniently outside. She was sitting in a recliner, eating popcorn. “I want to see if Diane gets her revenge against Victor!”

Steve looked at the paper he was holding, then blinked. “Uh, how did you know that I just pulled out Ferguson’s name? I hadn’t even looked at the paper yet.”

Chloe sighed. “Seriously, am I the only one here who actually read their script?”

Steve massaged his forehead. “Moving on, Perry, you get Kourtney.”

Perry sighed. “Mafia! And I have no idea how she acts! She seems so generic and a spoiled brat.”

“I’m not generic,” Kourtney said.

“She’s an actress,” Steve said. “So just... act like an actor, I guess. Unless I'm wrong about what an actress does.”

“This is really stupid,” Perry said. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be acting like! I quit!”

“Good enough,” Steve said. “Wonka, you get Andy.”

“I’m out,” Wonka said.

“What are you talking about?” Steve asked. “Andy’s so boring and plain that he’s like the easiest person to do here!”

“Ewwy, boring and plain are two words I would never want associated with me, for chocolate, and not boringosity, is my passion,” Wonka said. “Would you give me chocolate for it?”

Steve stared for a few moments. “No.”

“Well then, my good sir, I’m afraid I shan’t.”

Steve grumbled to himself, then took out another sheet of paper. “April--”

“Pass.”

“But you don’t even know who I drew for you to act like yet.”

April shrugged. “I don’t really feel like doing this. I’ll pass.”

Confession Telephone Booth

April: I don’t like, like, doing work. It’s against my religion. Once I create that religion. I’d have done it already, except that I don’t believe in doing the work I’d need to create it.

Andy: I’m really starting to wonder if they put me on this show by mistake. Half the people here have already lost, and Steve isn’t even finished assigning roles to everyone yet.

“Fred,” Steve said, opening up another piece of paper, “you get to be Wonka.”

“Chocolate?” Fred squeaked. “Chocolate?!” Fred started shaking his head and going into convulsions. “CHOCOLATE!!!” Fred leapt into a chocolate bar someone had thrown at the ground and ate it. Fred then looked content. “OK, I’ve had enough chocolate. I'm done.”

Steve rolled his eyes as he was taking out another piece of paper. “Andy, you get to be April.”

“No I don’t,” Andy said. “I don’t have to do this. This is, like, stupid, and junk. I quit.”

“OK, Andy’s out,” Steve said.

“Wait, what?” Andy asked, concerned. “I was doing April, like you said!”

“Then you shouldn’t have changed your mind and quit.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Andy: And apparently, the idiots in the show’s title extends to the host, too. That was a perfect April! It's kind of funny because the host doesn't seem to be as vulnerable as he was in the first episode.

“Newton,” Steve said, reading from another piece of paper, “you get to act as Tree.”

“I do not appreciate you killing our precious resources to turn into paper scraps for this imbecilic competition,” Newton said.

“Good enough, I guess,” Steve said, picking another piece of paper. “Ferguson, you get Perry.”

“Mafia!” Perry shouted.

“Perry watches TV, right?” Ferguson asked, sitting next to Chloe, watching the TV while eating popcorn.

“No, but Mafia does,” Perry said, rolling his eyes.

“Then I’m out,” Ferguson said, continuing to watch the TV.

“You know, I actually do watch that show,” Perry said, irritated.

“Don’t care, I’m out,” Ferguson said, then put another mouthful of popcorn in his mouth.

“Shelly,” Steve said, opening another piece of paper, “you’re Adele.”

“Eeeiii!” Shelly exclaimed, then started singing. “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round--”

Steve turned to Adele. “Uh, Adele, do you sing little kiddy songs?”

“Every now and then,” Adele sang, “I fall apart!”

“That wasn’t a Weird Al song,” Steve said.

“I also wasn’t dressed as Weird Al,” Adele said, wearing a Nicki French costume.

“Uh, who are--”

“I like her version better,” Adele said.

Confession Telephone Booth

Shelly: (singing) Ninety-nine bottles of juice on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of juice! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of juice on the wall!

“Tree, you get to act like Shelly,” Steve said.

“Like, oh my gosh!” Tree exclaimed, crossing his eyes. “Does anyone want to play patty-cake? That’s, like, my favoritest game ever!”

“I don’t do that!” Shelly sang, looking irritated.

“Shush, it’s close enough,” Steve said as he was pulling another piece of paper and opening it. “Kourtney, you get to be Squirrel.”

Kourtney grinned. “Squirrel?”

“Looks like you got it,” Steve said.

Kourtney nodded and gave a thumbs-up. “Squirrel.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Shelly: Sixty-seven bottles of juice on the wall, sixty-seven bottles of juice!

Porsche: (banging on the window, pushing her face against it) Come on! Give other people a turn! Or at least me!

Shelly: Take one down, pass it around, Sixty-six bottles of juice on the wall!

“Kim, it looks like you’re the last person left, and there’s only one person left.” Steve was grinning. “I wonder who it could be.” Steve suddenly looked completely confused. “I’m serious. I lost track of who was left.”

“Me too, but I really hope it’s someone fun!” Kim exclaimed, then closed her eyes and crossed her fingers.

“And it looks like you will be...” Steve said, pausing a bit for dramatic effect as he opened the last piece of paper. “Kim!”

“Yay, I get to be... wait, what?” Kim asked, blinking.

“Yeah, I probably should’ve planned this out a little better,” Steve said. “So I guess you have to act like Kim.”

“Wait, no one drew the name of the handsomest guy here, Artie,” Artie said. “I mean, I know I’m the hottest girl here, but he’s the hottest guy here, so surely someone has to play the incredible hunk named Artie!”

“I’m suddenly even happier than I decided not to do this,” April said, sounding bored as usual.

“For everyone who’s still in this, just keep acting like the person you’re supposed to act like.” Steve said. “For now, I’m going to take a relaxing bath, but I’ll know if you act out of character, so don’t think I won’t know just because I’m not personally watching you.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Shelly: (singing) Seventeen bottles of juice on the wall, seventeen bottles of juice!

Perry: (banging on the glass) Come on, let us in!

Shelly: Take one down, pass it around, sixteen bottles of juice on the wall!

Porsche: Come on, already!

Shelly: Sixteen bottles of juice on the wall, sixteen bottles of juice!

Khloe: Please let us in?

April: Whatever.

Shelly: Take one down, pass it around, fifteen bottles of juice on the wall!

“All right,” Steve said after walking out of his trailer, turning to Andy who was standing nearby. “So who’s left?”

“Just Kim, Kourtney, Shelly, and Lilly,” Andy said. “Everyone else went crazy trying to keep in-character.”

“OK,” Steve said. “Please tell me all four of them are on the same team.”

“All of them except for Lilly,” Andy said.

Steve nodded. “She on your team?”

“No, the other three are,” Andy said.

Steve smirked. “Mind telling me where Lilly is?”

Confession Telephone Booth

(Perry and Porsche are trying to break into the booth, while Khloe is leaning against the glass.)

Shelly: One bottle of juice on the wall, one bottle of juice! Take one down, pass it around, no more bottles of juice on the wall! No more bottles of juice on the wall, no more bottles of juice! Go to the store and buy some more, ninety-nine bottles of juice on the wall!

“Hi Lilly,” Steve said, grinning deviously as he walked over to Lilly, with Porsche following him.

“I’m Porsche,” Lilly said, still texting away on her cell phone.

“Oh, yes, of course,” Steve said. “But Porsche doesn’t text anymore.”

“You’re lying so that I stop texting and you can get this challenge over with, aren’t you?” Lilly asked, not looking up from her screen.

“Don’t you want to play your video games again?” Steve asked. “Besides, I am telling the truth.”

“It’s true,” Porsche said. “I don’t text anymore. So by texting, you aren’t being like me at all.”

“Wait, what?” Lilly asked, confused, looking up.

“I felt I was texting too much,” Porsche said. “I thought it wasn’t good for me.”

“Oh,” Lilly said nervously, then put her phone away.

“Psych!” Steve exclaimed, pointing at Lilly. “We were lying! Porsche is as addicted to texting as ever! So your team loses!” Porsche was indeed already texting again.

“What,” Lilly said, looking irritated. “But Porsche is on my team, why would she want me to lose?”

“You were?” Porsche asked, then blushed. “I’m sorry.” Porsche glared at Steve “Someone told me you were on the other team!”

Steve shrugged. “Not my fault she couldn’t remember which team she was on.”

Confession Telephone Booth

Shelly: Forty-seven bottles of juice on the wall, forty-seven bottles of juice!

Steve: (opens the door and drags Shelly out) Challenge is over, you won, so stop singing!

Steve had the twenty contestants gathered in front of their cabins, with Steve standing before the contestants, then looked over to the Screaming Parasites. “You guys won, so cheer for yourselves!”

“Yay!” Kim exclaimed, clapping, then pulled Kourtney and Khloe to her armpits, who both looked disgusted. “My friends are safe!”

“I don’t feel safe,” Khloe said, then coughed.

Steve then turned to the Killer Bacteria. “Tsk, tsk. You guys are big fat losers. It‘s Lilly‘s fault, too.”

“What are you talking about,” Lilly said, not looking up, and playing her PSP. Badly, probably. “I made it longer than everyone else on my team!”

“But you weren’t officially the losing team until you quit,” Steve said. “So your team has to vote someone off.”

“Well if memory serves me, and it rarely does, Porsche was the first to quit,” Wonka said. “So it only seems fair to vote her off.”

“No it doesn’t!” Porsche shouted. “I was only the first one to quit because I was the first person Steve assigned a role to!”

“But she was still the first one to quit,” April said. “I wouldn’t want to be her right now.”

“She lasted longer than you did,” Lilly said flatly.

“But she still quit before I did chronologically,” April said.

“But Porsche isn’t--”

Squirrel put his hand over Lilly’s mouth and shook his head while waving his finger on his other hand at her. “Squirrel.” Lilly grumbled.

Confession Telephone Booth

Lilly: I’m voting for Squirrel because, well, he’s kind of useless to our team. I mean, I know most of us are kind of useless, but he’s even more useless. I’m not sure we can ever win a challenge if we don’t become slightly less useless.

Fred: It seems fair to me. Since Porsche quit first, she should go. As long as my Cadillac is safe, I’m OK with it.

Squirrel: Squirrel.

“Welcome to the first campfire ceremony of this show,” Steve said that night, standing behind a podium, while the others sat on tree stumps on the other side of a campfire. Steve held up a plate of marshmallows. “These marshmallows represent getting to stay here. You need one to stay here. If you don’t get one, you don’t get to stay.”

“We all know how this works,” Lilly said.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Chloe said, looking around her.

Lilly shrugged. “Good point.”

“There are nine marshmallows on this plate, but there are ten of you,” Steve said. “Nine of you will receive a marshmallow. The one of you who does not receive a marshmallow must immediately walk the Dock of Super Idiots and board the Boat of Super Idiots, which will take you aware from here, and you can never come back! Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. But I will, and know that I may decide that you can never come back!”

“Have you planned out anything?” Lilly asked, raising an eyebrow.

“If I give you a marshmallow, will you shut up?”

“Yes.”

Steve tossed a marshmallow to Lilly. “Shut up, you’re safe. Adele, Fred, Wonka, Perry!”

“Mafia!”

“Whatever.” Steve tossed four more marshmallows to the four names he’d just announced. “You’re all safe. April. Fred.” Steve tossed two more marshmallows to April and Fred. “You two, safe.”

Chloe took out a script, then put it down. “I’m next!”

Steve sighed, then tossed Chloe a marshmallow. “Yes, you were.” Steve then turned to Porsche and Squirrel. “Porsche. Squirrel. One of you is safe. The other is not. And the final marshmallow goes to…”
















{C “Squirrel.” Steve tossed the marshmallow to squirrel, who caught it in his mouth, and kept it stored in a puffed-up cheek. Everyone else stared at Porsche, who was still sitting there, texting on her cell. “Uh, Porsche, you lost.”

“No, no, no,” Fred squeaked. “That’s not her name, it’s no wonder she’s ignoring you. Hey, Cadillac!”

Porsche looked up, looking a bit confused. “Huh?”

Fred ran up to Porsche, crying. “Aww, I’m sorry, but all of the mean people on the team just voted you out!”

“Wait, what?” Porsche asked, confused. “Why?”

“You were the first one to quit,” April said.

“I think everyone gets annoyed that all you ever do is text,” Lilly said, tightly gripping her game, looking as if she were playing something intense.

“And all you ever do is play video games, so what?” Porsche said, looking upset.

“And she somehow managed to put that down for a few hours,” Mafia said. I didn’t know she had it in her, either.”

“Well, fine, be like that,” Porsche said as she was walking toward the Boat of Super Idiots.

“Wait!” Fred shouted, and ran after her. He swung her around, then planted a kiss on her lips. “Porsche, I love you!”

Porsche blinked, then giggled. “You have a number so I can text you?”

“Really?” Mafia asked, slapping his own face. “Really?”

“I think they make a wonderful couple,” April said.

“It’s the classic couple where it seems like neither person is right for the other, or in this case, neither person being right for anyone, but they somehow manage through and get together in the end,” Chloe said. “I love classic storytelling.”

“And she thinks I’m stupid,” Porsche said, rolling her eyes.

“I’ll see ya’! Follow me on Twitter!” Fred squeaked. Porsche texted something on her phone, and smirked as Fred got a message on his phone. He then read the message and giggled himself. Porsche then climbed onto the Boat of Super Idiots, still texting Fred, and Fred was just laughing.”

“Fred’s got such a wonderful laugh,” April said.

“Wow, most people think it’s really really really really really really really really annoying, but I just don’t see it,” Fred said. “But wow, that’s so nice of you, saying I have such a nice laugh!”

“Well, we’ve had our first loser tonight,” Steve said. “Well, they’re all kind of losers, but Porsche was the loser among the losers tonight. I mean, really, no one’s that obsessive about texting.” Steve then heard his cell phone, took it out, and read a message on it. He then looked excited, and started texting back.

“I get it, hypocritical humor,” Lilly said, still playing her game.

“What, no,” Steve said. “I can stop at any time! Besides, look at you and your game.”

Lilly turned her game off and put it down. “I can stop. Can you?”

“Uh, yeah,” Steve said, putting his cell phone away. “Of course!”

Confession Telephone Booth

Steve: (texting his life away) What they don’t know won’t hurt me.

Lilly: (standing outside the telephone booth) You know I can see through the glass.

Steve: (Steve nervously looks to the camera.) Maybe I should’ve gotten something people couldn’t see through. Or gone to my trailer instead. Or… wait, I’m the boss! Go away, I command you! (Steve nervously looks at Lilly, still staring at him.) Stupid soundproof glass.

Chapter Three- I'm Jolly And I Know It

Written by: SG

Steve was hanging lights up on the roof of his trailer, other assorted Christmas ornaments scattered below him. He suddenly looked directly at the camera and fell to the ground in shock. He got back up and said in his usual, nasal voice, "As you can see, I'm just getting in the Christmas spirit." He snorted. "The holidays always were a stressful time for me... getting expensive gifts for people who didn't care enough to get me gifts... it sucked. But, anyway, I'm sure it'll be a great Total Drama Idiots Christmas!"

False snow began to rain down, the soft hum of the snow machine in the distance.

Steve looked up. "Does it really look that fake?" He sighed. "As you can see, unless you're, like, an idiot, which aren't exactly hard to come by around here, it's obviously summer. But by the time this airs, it'll be December. So, I thought, why not do a Christmas special? Now, to convince the contestants it's Christmas..."

The exterior of the Screaming Parasites' cabin was shown. Steve had hung multicolored lights there as well, and made the machine produce fake snow to rain over the cabin.

Shelly pressed herself against the window and stared gleefully at the snow. "Yippee! I can't believe it's Christmas already. I'm going to make my list..." She took out a piece of white paper and a blue crayon. "Let's see now... Candyland: Dora Edition... free of Plumpy cards, a new iPod with all the Jonas Brothers songs on it, a copy of the World Hide-And-Seek Champion Records... what else?" She turned to Newton, who was behind her.

Newton shook his head. "It can't be Christmas already. It's barely July."

Shelly folded her arms. "Haven't you ever heard of Christmas in July?!"

Newton gave a half-smile. "Cute, Shelly. I bet Steve is just pulling some sort of trick here."

"Aw, Newty..." Shelly scolded.

"...Newty?" Newton asked flatly.

"Newty." Shelly confirmed. "Where's your holiday spirit? You're like that Scrooge guy. Come now... I can help you make your letter to Santa, if you want."

Newton scoffed. "Santa Claus. Surely, you would know that's simply a children's tale."

Shelly gasped. "Newty! How can you not believe in Santa Claus?"

Newton sighed deeply. "Shelly. It's not exactly explainable. It's a man who lives at the North Pole and has magic flying reindeer that help him carry presents to children that are made by elves."

Shelly folded her arms. "He is too real..."

Newton rolled his eyes and began to walk away when he rammed into a thick, red wall of fat.

A man in a fake beard and bright crimson fatsuit was standing in front of him.

Newton was taken aback and sighed deeply. "Phew..."

Shelly beamed and ran up to the man. "Santa Claus!" She hugged his waist.

Newton folded his arms. "Shelly, that is not Santa Claus. That's just Django."

Django gave Newton a dirty look and held a finger to his lips. "Quiet, Newton. She's falling for it." He made his voice sound deep and content. "Ho ho ho! Hello, little girl. And, what do you want for Christmas!"

"I want a lot of things." Shelly admitted. She looked to Newton. "But most of all, I want Newton to believe in you! He won't even admit you exist when you're right in front of him."

"Ho ho ho!" Django repeated. "A lot of people don't believe in me, Shelly. But as long as kids like you do, it'll be a very merry Christmas!"

Kim suddenly ran up to the two with wild eyes. She knocked Shelly to the floor and got on Django's lap.

Django smirked. "And what do you want for Christmas, attractive young lady?"

Kim began to bounce up and down. "Well, first I want some explosives, then I want some squirrel cake--"

"Squirrel" looked up from his cabin. "Squirrel?"

"Then I want a date with Santa Claus!" She hugged Django.

Django blushed a color redder than his suit and giggled giddily.

Confessional Telephone Booth

Django: I kind of like Kim... too bad she fell for Santa Claus, not me.

Kim: Santa is like really hot. Like, almost as hot as the Newton creep.

Tree stared out the window as Shelly had. "Snow... soon, it'll all be gone. No one's helping control climate change, so eventually even Canada won't get any snow."

Newton shook his head. "I doubt things'll get that bad, at least not too soon. And I lived with climate change scientists for a while a few years back."

Tree looked at Newton with an evil eye. "Don't you get it, you fool?! You and your science... how cynical and uncaring. It's you that's ruining the world!"

"Squirrel" was shown in his cabin, writing. He stared out the window and beamed at the snow. "Squirrel..."

Adele suddenly popped up beside him. "I know... Christmas always brings out the best in people. And with Christmas comes Christmas music!"

Random music suddenly started playing, composed of bells ringing and an angelic choir.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas..." Adele sang. "There is just one thing I need..."

"Squirrel" nodded, satisfied. He continued to write in a small notebook, using a mechanical pencil. "Squiiiiirrel..."

Lilly peered over his shoulder. "You can't talk, but you can read and write? That makes a whole lot of sense."

"Squirrel" blushed. "Squirrel..." He scurried off like an actual squirrel would and hid behind a tree outside. Two pages of paper fall out of his costumes pocket.

Lilly shrugged and switched out her game cartridge. "I've been waiting to play this baby all year..." She turned on a game called "Dora the Explorer's Christmas Adventure."

Ferguson glanced over at her, still at his TV. "What're you doing?"

"My usual holiday tradition." Lilly replied. "Playing Christmas that only see the outside world once a year." A negative sound was heard from the handheld. "Curse you, Swiper!"

Ferguson looked out the window. "I suppose it is Christmastime." He switched the TV channels. "No Christmas specials on?!" He muttered a dirty word and pressed a different button. "Time to tap in to my stash of DVR recordings..." Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer began to play on the TV.

Lilly continued to tap away at her game. "Go, Super Babies!"

Chloe came over and looked over her surroundings. "Hm. It seems it's the time when the show has its Christmas special..." She took out her script and flipped through a few pages of it. "Ah, here we are. 'Christmastime... bah, humbug. What's a season of giving and being thankful when I'm surrounded by only idiots?'"

Confessional Telephone Booth

Chloe: How I love playing the villainess of the show. I actually really like Christmas, but any villain would hate it. (flips around her script) There has to be a group of characters that make mine love Christmas through spooky and questionable methods...

Chloe was shown going up to Lilly and whispering into her ear. "Hey, Lilly... does your script say anything about teaching me the meaning of Christmas?"

Lilly shook her head, not taking her eyes off her game. "What script?"

Chloe shook her head and facepalmed.

Confessional Telephone Booth

Lilly: (playing her game) ...Chloe is weird. (beeping noise is heard) Don't die on me again, Boots!

Chloe: These people need to start reading their scripts, unless they, like, memorized the lines or are really good at improv.

Channary silently observed the way Django stared at Kim, and the way Kim stared at Newton.

Confessional Telephone Booth

Channary: All the romance in the air for my team is really making me uncomfortable. It's not that I want them to break up or anything, it just reminds me of my old boyfriend... I miss him so much. (sighs)

Channary stared wistfully at the ground from underneath her bed, still in the covers.

Artie went over to her. "Hey there, Channary. Why you so down?"

Channary sighed deeply. "Well--"

"Wait." Artie interrupted. "Is it about evil pie, mutant chipmunks, or TV remotes that give you tattoos when you're baking cookies?"

Channary raised an eyebrow and shook her head slowly.

"Phew." Artie said in relief. "Kim's told me a few... stories lately."

"I've never seemed to have very much luck in life." Channary admitted. "My dad died, the rest of my family is a mess, my boyfriend was in a terrible accident... the list just goes on and on."

Artie gave a sympathetic grimace. "Don't give up, Channary. Be thankful for what you do have. Isn't that the point of Christmas... and also Thanksgiving?"

"It's not Christmas..." Channary corrected. "Or Thanksgiving."

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd fallen for the fake snow and lights like the others." Artie sighed. "I guess you're one of the smarter people here."

Kourtney was shown staring longingly at Django.

Khloe sat down next to her. "What's got you in the Christmas blues, Kourtney?"

"This whole stupid love triangle." Kourtney admitted. "I have huge, somewhat unhealthy crush on Django, but he likes Kim. I feel like I'm in some sort of Twilight movie, except there are no vampires or werewolves."

Khloe put her finger to her chin. "Actually, I think Newton's involved in some sort of twisted way. That makes it a love square, right?"

Kourtney facepalmed. "I don't like that many guys, Khloe..."

"But-" Khloe was cut off.

Kourtney sighed deeply. "Django is really hot, despite all the weird crap he puts on. His originality draws me too him. You know what I mean?"

Khloe sighs, then nods.

Andy walked over to them. "Hi, ladies. How are you doing this fine Christmas season?"

"Why does everyone actually believe it's Christmas?" Kourtney demanded. "It's not like we could've jumped forward in time six months."

Andy shrugged. "If you love Christmas, wouldn't you want it to come early?"

Kourtney shrugged back. "Whatever."

"...He bores me." Khloe whispered to Kourtney.

April was shown lying on her bed, staring out the window. "Ah, Christmas. The time when parents lie to their children about the tales of a fat elf breaking into people's houses to bring presents."

Fred suddenly popped up and gave her a cold, hard stare. "Santa Claus is too real! But the parents were lying about him being jolly! He's really a zombie from Mars!" He then began to run around screaming his head off.

April facepalmed. "Y'know, I also heard the elves are, like, magical wizards from Jupiter."

Fred gasped and held her close to him. "Are you part of the Anti-Santa Claus Alliance?"

April stared deep into his emerald eyes and said, "Yes."

Fred gasped and began to make a shelter out of pillows. "Come on! Do the traditional boarding shelter Christmas ritual!"

April sighed deeply and began helping him build a pillow shelter. "I heard M&M's work better anyway."

Fred nodded. "I see you're a premium member!"

Wonka was shown munching on chocolate, as usual.

The snow outside continued to fall onto the ground with a gentle, cool breeze.

Wonka's eyes widened. "Christmastime... which means it's time to eat chocolate... with PEPPERMINT." He took out a different chocolate bar that had a peppermint on its wrapper. He greedily unwrapped it and stuck into his mouth. He then shrugged and stuffed the one he was previously eating into his mouth.

Perry came up to him. "Christmas... bah, humbug. No self-respecting villain would like Christmas."

Wonka patted his head. "You're so cute, Perry."

"It's Mafia." Perry corrected. "Call me Mafia only."

"Whatever you say, cutie." Wonka assured, and continued to munch on his chocolate.

Perry continued to glare at him. "Remember this face, chocolate lover. The next time you see it, it will be at your grave."

"How will I see it if I'm dead?" Wonka asked between bites and smacks.

Perry put his hand to his chin. "I. Don't. Know."

The contestants met Steve outside for the challenge.

Steve snorted and began to explain the challenge. "Today's episode will be for our holiday special."

"It's Ju--" Newton began.

"Just pretend!" Steve ordered. "Or Santa won't bring you presents..."

Newton folded his arms and muttered something to the side.

"Moving on..." Steve continued. "Each team will have to put on a Christmas play. Each play will be performed in front of an audience of kids, who will give us reviews at the end. Team with the better review will win. Any questions?"

Half the contestants raised their hands.

"Since we have no questions, I'll leave you all to it." Steve closed and left the scene, leaving the players in front of a large stage.

The Screaming Parasites were shown backstage.

Django folded his arms. "I am already in costume, as you can see."

Kim squealed. "We should totally have some awesome fireworks display at the end!"

Everyone immediately looked to Newton.

Newton rolled his eyes. "I'll supervise her. Nothing'll go wrong." He put his arm around Kim and the two went to begin with the fireworks.

Django frowned. "Who should write this thing?"

Khloe gasped. "Adele totally should!"

Kourtney sighed deeply. "Khloe, honey. Adele is on the other team."

"Oh..." Khloe sighed.

Channary sighed as well. "I suppose I can write it."

Confessional Telephone Booth

Khloe: Oh no! I just made myself seem stupid again and that time it was me not paying attention.

Channary: I always write to help get away from my life. I guess I could do this, too.

Channary was shown leaving the backstage area to being writing the script.

"What about the actors?" Artie asked.

Kourtney immediately stepped forward. "I'll play the main female role... whatever Channary decides that to be."

Shelly clapped her hands. "I've always wanted to be in a Christmas play! Can I play the orphan? There's always an orphan."

"Uh..." Artie muttered. "Sure."

"Yay!" Shelly squealed. "I'm going to go get into wardrobe!" She scurried off-screen.

Tree rasied his hand. "I shall make the scenery. Perhaps I can provide some beuauty in what is left of this polluted world." He too walked off-screen.

Andy raised his hand as well. "I can do some other male roles like Django!"

"Ooh!" Khloe shrieked. "Can I do that, too?"

Artie awkwardly took Khloe's hand. "Why don't you help me with the special effects, Khloe?"

He, Andy, and Khloe left the area to go tend to their own affairs.

Django and Kourtney were left staring at each other.

"So, um..." Django muttered. "Shouldn't you be getting into costume?"

"I don't know what role I'm playing yet." Kourtney sighed and blushed.

Django nodded. "I'm going to go see how Channary's doing." He too walked off-screen.

Confessional Telephone Booth

Kourtney: (facepalms) I'm such a idiot... no pun intended. Django was right there, and I didn't make a single move on him! I have to step my game up.

The Killer Bacteria were shown planning their performance.

Adele beamed. "Since I have written several songs, writing a script shouldn't be too bad!"

Chloe cleared her throat. "A script within a script? Very complex. Putting on a play within a movie'll be double the practice for me."

Wonka suggested between bites of peppermint chocolate, "Why don't you play the lead, Chloe?"

Chloe patted Wonka's head as he did to Perry earlier. "Sure, Wonka. As soon Adele finishes the script, of course."

Perry folded his arms. "I will be the villain, of course. Every good story has a villain that hates the world and everyone in it."

Ferguson glared at the short wannabe antagonist. "I've seen hundreds of TV shows, and not all villains are like that. What about anti-villains?"

"...Those aren't real villains." Perry retorted with a solemn expression.

"Lilly, you're good at technology, right?" Chloe asked.

Lilly, without looking up from her game, responded, "Yeah, sure."

April shrugged. "I'm good with technology, too." She lied.

"Good." Chloe replied. "You two can do the lighting and special effects."

Ferguson sighed deeply. "I suppose I can do some acting. I've seen enough characters on TV, I can probably imitate them, acting-wise."

Fred squealed loudly. "Ooh! Can I act, too? I love to act!"

Chloe muttered to herself, "We seem to have a lack of female actors..." She flipped through her script. "This thing says I accept you guys, though. Go ahead."

Wonka continued to eat chocolate and burped. "I guess I can design some props and stuff. I'm good at building stuff out of chocolate."

Chloe raised an eyebrow. "Uh, okay. And, um, Squirrel..."

"Squirrel" looked at her meekly. "Squirrel?"

"You can, um..." Chloe sighed. "You can help Wonka, I guess."

"Squirrel" looked down, possessing a desire to help Adele write the script. "Squirrel..." He and Wonka went over to prepare the scenery.

The kids were shown settling down in front of the stage, muttering about how they were being forced to watch a Christmas play in the middle of summer.

Steve stepped up on stage. "Hello, children of wherever-we-are... I present you the Christmas play performed by the Screaming Paras--"

"That name sucks!" One kid yelled out with the name of Webly.

Steve sighed. "I haven't even finished telling you the name."

"Whatever!" A different boy named Shawn shouted back. "This whole set-up stinks!"

Several of the kids began shouting to Steve.

Steve attempted to calm them down. "Kids--"

"I'm calling Mommy!" A blonde girl named Chimmy threatened.

"I now present to you the Screaming Parasites' Christmas play." Steve said hurriedly and dashed off-stage.

The curtain rose.

Kourtney came out from backstage and kneeled down before Shelly, who was dressed in rags and weeping.

"O, orphan girl..." Kourtney began in an unusually kind voice. "What may I do for you?"

Channary wiped a tear from her eye as she read a copy of the script she had in a whisper.

The kids were shown with bored expressions on their faces.

Later in the play, Shelly was shown sitting in Django's lap while Kourtney harbored a jealous expression.

"Oh, Santa, will I get what I want for Christmas?" Shelly asked.

"Does this answer your question?" Django asked back in a Santa voice.

Artie and Khloe switched on a stereo and adjusted the lights so they were pointed directly at Django.

Django began to sing as music played. "When I stand on the street, this is what I see..."

He began to ring a bell and held a jar filled with loose change.

"A bunch of little kids and they pay me a fee..."

Andy and Shelly put pennies into the jar.

"I got presents in my sleigh and I got reindeer to tow it, tow it, tow it, tow it, tow it..."

He got into a sleigh pulled by what was simply Andy and Shelly in a reindeer costume.

"I'm Jolly And I Know It." Django sang.

A few of the kids actually sat up.

The scene cut to the cast of the Screaming Parasites' play bowing.

About a third of the kids gave them applause, while the others simply mumbled incoherently.

Newton and Kim were shown behind the kids, manning a control panel and a few extension cords tied to some fireworks.

"Now, Kim." Newton ordered. "Do the honors."

Kim smirked and hit a bright red button on the control panel.

The fireworks flew up into the sky, but flew back down before they could explode. They headed for the stage and exploded on contact.

Newton gasped and flipped through a few pages of notes he made earlier. "Oh... I might've miscalculated at one point."

Kim giggled. "That was awesome, Newton!" She began to mumble incoherently.

The ones who were on the stage dug themselves out of the debris and rubble.

The Killer Bacteria, who were rehearsing near their cabins, arrived.

"We're ready to perf--" Chloe began she noticed what the stage was reduced to.

Ferguson gasped, sporting an elf costume. "It's one of those endings where the writers got lazy and found an excuse to cut the episode short."

Lilly sighed deeply. "I would've loved to see a classic video game explosion."

Steve, collecting the reviews of the kids who were already departing, shrugged. "By default, the Killer Bacteria get an average review of zero."

"What?!" Most of the said team cried in unison.

"And the Screaming Parasites get..." Steve flipped through the review sheets. "Uh, something slightly higher. Screaming Parasites win, Killer Bacteria lose."

The Screaming Parasites cheered as loud as they could with vocal cords damaged by the explosion.

The Killer Bacteria were shown at elimination.

"Killer Bacteria." Steve sighed. "You were sent here today by default. You know how this works. Whoever doesn't get a marshmallow is out. These first three marshmallows go to Chloe, Adele, and April."

The three girls called went up to claim their marshmallows.

"Ferguson, you're safe too." Steve continued. "Lilly, come get your marshmallow."

Ferguson and Lilly refused to look up from their respective appliances.

Steve sighed deeply and threw the marshmallows at them. "Wonka, you're staying in the game as well."

Wonka claimed his prize and spread chocolate onto it.

Fred, Perry, and "Squirrel" looked at each other nervously.

"Fred, you are the next one safe from the bottom two." Steve called. He threw the marshmallow at Fred.

Fred squealed and hopped up and down.

Perry and "Squirrel" stood in anticipation as Steve held up the final marshmallow.

"The final marshmallow goes to...

















...Perry."

Perry cheered and got his marshmallow. "Being in the bottom two early on but not getting out. The true mark of a villain."

Squirrel looked down, forlorn. "Squirrel..." He wiped a tear from his eye and passed out notes to the others on his team. Each contained a private message to them.

Squirrel sadly boarded the Boat of Super Idiots.

The other eight on the team slowly opened the notes and began to read them silently.

"Ooh, a twist." Steve closed. "What else will happen next time on Total... Drama... Idiots!"

"Squirrel." Squirrel could be heard saying from afar.

Chapter Four- Idiots At The Olympics

Written by: Rhonda

Steve is shown dressed up in winter clothes, and facing the opposite direction of the camera. “Are we ready?” Steve asks.

“Turn around!” Luis the cameraman yells.

Steve turns around but slips on a piece of cheese and falls on his butt.

“Smooth,” Luis says.

“Just turn on the camera,” Steve says. “I need to call my Grammy.”

“We’ve been filming for a bit now,” Luis replies.

Steve blushes and asks, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought you would know the red light meant it was on,” Luis replies. “Trust me, I’ll never have that much faith in you again.”

“Good,” Steve replies. “Last time on Total Drama Idiots, we had a Christmas special!”

“I still think you should have had a Hanukkah special,” Luis whispers off camera.

Steve ignores him and continues. “After turning this place into a winter wonderland, each team had to make their own Christmas special. A love triangle-square-thing was formed between Kim, Kourtney, Django and Newton. I’m not really sure what it was, I was never good at geology in school. Squirrel also wrote stuff. In the end, The Screaming Parasites blow up the stage, which meant the Killer Bacteria lost by default. In the end Squirrel was voted off. What will happen next time on Total Drama Idiots? How was it?”

“A shovel and a dead squirrel could do a better recap,” Luis replies.

“So... it was good?” Steve asks.

Off-screen, Luis can be seen face-palming.

Meanwhile, Ferguson is sitting in front of the TV in the Killer Bacteria’s cabin. He is flipping through TV channels trying to find something to watch.

“Your watching... Animal NETWORK!” A voice yells from on the TV.

“I’ve never seen this channel before,” Ferguson says. “I don’t watch too many animal shows but... how bad could this be?”

A little while later, screaming can be heard from Ferguson and the TV.

“What’s going on?” Lilly asks as she and the others rush in. They find Ferguson quivering on the ground.

“Horrible things...”Ferguson mutters. “TURN IT OFF!”

“What?” Wonka asks. “The lights?”

“Or maybe he wants us to turn off the dark!” Fred exclaims.

“Like Bon Jovi’s play?” Lilly asks.

“We’re half way there, whoa Livin’ on a prayer!” Adele sings.

“THE TV!” Ferguson yells as he starts shaking again.

Chloe turns off the TV. “Duh Lilly. Maybe you should stop losing at video games and think. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s much harder to deal with your stupidity.”

Telephone Confessional Booth

Chloe: I’ve been really trying to be a good villain. I’ve been harassing Lilly nonstop! I could so win an award for this!

Lilly: I don’t get what Chloe has against me. But I’m getting tired of it.

“What were you watching?” Adele asks singing. “Did you see some bad swatching? Was it a gory murder on a thriller? Or maybe you were watching an anime filler! Was it sitcom? Or a DVD Rom?”

“I was watching horrible things,” Ferguson replies. “I was on the Animal NETWORK.”

“What’s wrong with animals?” Lilly asks.

“Nothing,” Ferguson replies. “Unless you see what was on this show. Ugh, Most Bizarre Mating Rituals. I’m never watching TV again!”

“Like that will last,” Perry or “Mafia” says.

April walks in the cabin to the rest of her teammates holding two sheets of paper. She hands the two sheets of paper to her teammates.

“What is this?” Chloe asks.

“It’s chocolate,” April replies.

“I love chocolate!” Wonka yells.

“I didn’t notice,” April says.

“Wait a minute,” “Mafia” says. “These sheets are “Squirrel’s”. They have his name on them.”

“This first sheet is so weird,” Lilly says. “They’re drawings of some fictional world called... Wikia?”

“Look at all these odd characters and creatures,” Wonka says. “Sprinkle-Mists? What in the world is a Sprinkle-Mist? And Reddudes? Are they’re Redduddettes?”

“And are those ravioli pixies?” “Mafia” says.

“No,” Wonka replies. “They’re alien ravioli pixies.”

“Those things are nothing compared to these weird freaks,” Adele sings. “These are some creepy geeks!”

“Mr. E? Kate? SG? Frank? Rhonda? Webly?” “Mafia” says. “What a bunch of freaky looking characters!

“They look like they’re a group of writers,” Chloe says. “I’d hate to read what they wrote.

Telephone Booth Confessional:

Chloe: I’m not sure why they had “Squirrel” drop these pages, but my guess is the writers are planning to do a spin off based on this scene. I wonder if I can get casted in it...

“What’s the second sheet say?” Lilly asks, already absorbed in a video game and ignoring her surroundings.

“...” Chloe says.

“PJ!” Wonka yells.

“What is it?” Lilly asks, glancing up from her game.

“Well the writers certainly had an interesting plot twist,” Chloe says. “According this, “Squirrel” has glossophobia.”

“Why does he fear glass?” Fred asks.

“That’s not what it means,” Chloe says. “Here let me read you what this letter says. “Dear Diary, I’ve had trouble adjusting to the show. Reality shows with elimination style format are nicknamed social games. That’s why my parents sent me here, so I could be social. But... my fear of talking (my glossophobia) makes it really hard to socialize. I just can’t conquer it. And all these people view me as a freak. But it’s so easier to say, “squirrel” and be squirrel then talk. I wish I could show how I am human. I’d love to show them how skilled I am at writing. But I’m going to try hard to help. I mean what could go wrong.”

“I can’t believe it,” Lilly says.

“I know,” Chloe replies. “I’ve gotten so many lines this episode! I think this episode could win an award!

Telephone Booth Confessional

Adele: I feel bad not letting "Squirrel" help me. I can’t stop singing as you can see. Sometimes people call me a freak, so I can relate. I guess “Squirrel” feels like we all hate. But he was a nice guy. Too bad we said goodbye.

“Mafia”: Who cares? As a true villain I don’t. “Squirrel” is gone and I’m here.

Wonka: Man, I feel bad for not trying to befriend “Squirrel”. I should have offered to share some chocolate with him. I have some chocolate with nuts he would have liked. You know, cause nuts are good in fiber.

April: I knew he had glossophobia. I’m psychic. I once had the nickname, “That’s So April.”

Chloe: Since I’m playing the villainess, I do not care he left. Though if this was actually real, I’d really feel bad.

Lilly: I do feel bad for Squirrel. But... how were we supposed to know? Still, I’d rather have him here then Chloe at the moment.

Ferguson: You don’t want to see what the squirrels were doing on the Animal NETWORK. Ah!

The scene changes to the Screaming Parasites cabin, where the girls are talking.

“I can’t believe we won again!” Khloe says hugging Kourtney. “We are on a roll!”

“It probably means we’ll lose today’s challenge,” Channary says. “Just like the Screaming Gophers did.”

“Aw, Channary don’t be so negative,” Shelly says, brushing her Barbie’s hair. “Me and my “Total Drama Barbie,” are staying positive. Our team has done great so far what would stop us now?”

“We haven’t been winning thanks to skill,” Channary replies. “We won the first challenge because Steve tricked Lilly into losing so we could end the episode. And we won the Christmas challenge, because we blew up the stage. We just been getting by with luck, and are luck has ran out.”

“Well I think we would have won the last challenge anyway,” Shelly says. “Your script was really good Channary and everyone acted well.”

“You think it was good?” Channary asks.

Shelly nods.

“It was really well written,” Khloe adds.

“I agree,” Kourtney says.

“What they said!” Kim yells.

“Thanks,” Channary replies shyly.

“If we do lose today,” Khole says, “Who should we vote off?”

“I think it should be our weakest link,” Kourtney says. “So we have a better chance of winning.”

“Whose our weakest link?” Khloe asks.

“I think Newton could be our weakest link,” Channary admits.

“No way!” Kim screams in defense. “Newton is way too hot! Like so hot, he committed arson! ”

“Let’s no think about voting off someone,” Shelly says looking out the window. “Let’s go play in the snow!”

“Snow?” Channary asks.

“Race you to the door!” Kim yells.

She flips off to the door and gets ready to open it, when Artie comes rushing in. “Hey ladies, Steve...” Artie says running in. But he trips and his face crashes…right into Kim’s chest. KABOING!

“Humana, Humana, Humana,” Artie says.

“Artie, you perv!” Khloe yells.

“It’s ok,” Kim says. “He couldn’t help himself. My melons tend to release an aurora of animal magnetism in men.”

“Hey girls,” Andy says. “Steve wants us all for a challenge and... Artie!

“Shh,” Artie yells. “I’m with boobs.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Channary: That’s how I feel being surrounding by these idiots.

Soon after, the Killer Bacteria and the Screaming Parasites are standing around Steve, who is standing next to a snow machine. He is putting cheese in it.

“Is this cheese?” Lilly asks.

“No, it’s chopped up people,” April says.

“Way to ask a dumb question Lilly,” Chloe says.

“It's a "gooda" smelling cheese, isn't it?” Steve says.

Luis plays “bad um tish” using his drums and symbol.

“Anyway,” Steve says. “Since we had all this leftover cheese, we decided to make it into snow. So today’s challenge will be based on the Winter Olympics. Both teams will choose people to compete in three different events. Whoever wins that event gets a point. The one with the most points wins. Since the Screaming Parasites have two members more than the Killer Bacteria, you have to sit two people out. I’ll give a few minutes to decide.

“So who should sit out?” Khloe asks.

“I think you should,” Artie says. “You’re hot, but your stupidity could risk us the challenge.”

“I’m not stupid!” Khloe replies.

“Sure you aren’t,” Newton says. “Who else will sit out?”

“Brrrrrrrrr...” Django says shivering, dressed like The Situation.

“I bet you're regretting your fashion choice,” Artie says smugly.

“A little,” Django says. “But I think my abs will totally impress Kim.”

“Sorry,” Artie says. “But Kim totally wants me. I accidently fell on her chest and she didn’t even mind!”

“WHAT!?” Django yells.

“What are you two talking about?” Newton asks.

Artie smiles. "Boobies."

“Nothing,” Django replies blushing.

“I love your costume Django!” Kourtney says, notching his abs.

“Thanks,” Django replies.

“Hey,” Newton interrupts. “Who is sitting out?”

“I will,” Tree says. “Since I figure this challenge will abuse trees somewhere somehow."

“Well you two go sit in those bleachers over there, where you can watch,” Steve says pointing at some bleachers. “Now for our first challenge, we’ll bobsled! Four members of each team will race down a hill in a bobsled. Both teams will have to move as a unit to swerve the bobsled. And be careful, we set some booby-traps on the way down, Luis told me.”

Later, the teams are at the top of the sled either getting in their bobsled or helping their teammates get in. Each bobsled matches each teams color respectively. In the green sled are Kim, Kourtney, Newton and Django. In the red sled are Fred, Wonka and Adele. Lilly is standing next to the sleigh playing videogames.

“Come on Lilly!” Wonka yells excitedly.

“Ok,” Lilly replies. She turns to Ferguson behind her. “Would you hold till I’m done?”

“Sure,” Ferguson replies.

Lilly hops in the sled as the idiots not competing go down to the finish line, awaiting results.

“On your mark,” Steve says. “Get set... go!”

The sleds dashed off.

The Screaming Parasites and Killer Bacteria are neck and neck, though on two different sides of the mountains.

“Can we listen to the radio?” Wonka asks.

“Let’s listen to Friday by Rebecca Black!” Fred says.

“Why me?” Lilly asks.

“Oh no,” Adele sings. “Here comes a obstacle for us not average Joes! Can’t you see! It’s a Tree!”

“Didn’t he sit out?” Lilly asks.

“I think she means that Christmas tree on fire, in front of us,” Wonka says.

“CHRISTMAS TREE ON FIRE!” The Killer Bacteria scream (except for Adele, who holds out a long musical note).

“Quick to the left,” Adele sings. “Everything you own in the box to the left!”

The Killer Bacteria all shift left and narrowly avoid the tree.

"Beyonce?" Lilly asks. "Really?"

“Flaming Christmas tree?” Newton asks. “Really?”

“Must have been left over from the last challenge,” Kourtney says. “But at least that slowed them down a little.”

“But doesn’t that mean there is an obstacle ahead for us?” Django asks.

“How bad could it be?” Newton asks.

“Um guys... and a girl, look!” Kim yells pointing at a sign. “It’s says were about to come to a migrating group of…

“OH NO!” The Screaming Parasites yell. “A group of migrating hippos, during mating season!”

The Screaming Parasites can be heard screaming as they enter the migration path.

“Bad luck for them,” Lilly says. “At least we don’t have to worry about anything like that.”

“I wouldn’t be sure of that,” Wonka says pointing at a sign.

“OH NO!” The Killer Bacteria scream. “A group of... migrating celebrities!”

The Killer Bacteria scream as many celebrities can be heard yelling.

“Wanna smooch?”

"I shaved my head."

"Shout out to my Barbs out there!"

“Winning!”

“The Voice is back! Bobby Brown! Bobby B! She Doop! All-Right!”

“Baby, baby, baby, oh!”

“This chapter is longer than my marriage to Kris Humphries.”

The Screaming Parasites sled out of the migration path. “How did we manage to escape?” Newton asks.

Django shrugs and says, “Plot-holes?”

“Like those?” Kim asks pointing.

The others turn around to see a giant hole in front of them, with frightening animal noises coming from it. Over to the side they see a ramp.

“If we can manage to make on that ramp,” Newton says. “I think we might have made enough speed to propel us over the hole! But we all need to shift right.”

The Screaming Parasites all shift in different directions, causing bobsled to spin out of control.

“I said shift right!” Newton yells.

“You didn’t say whose right,” Django replies.

The Screaming Parasites scream, as they fall into the hole. At the same time, The Killer Bacteria race out of the migration path and see the giant hole.

“What do we do?” Wonka asks.

“Get on the ramp,” Lily replies. “Everyone shift right!”

“Whose right?” Wonka asks.

“Mine,” Lilly replies.

The Killer Bacteria shift right and make it on the ramp.

“Yes,” Wonka says. “We...”

Then the ramp explodes, sending the Killer Bacteria flying. They end up landing on the finish line.

“Wow,” Wonka says. “Didn’t know we had that in the budget.”

“And Killer Bacteria win!” Steve announces. “Luis, go get Django, Kim, Newton and Kourtney out of the hole. The rest of you, follow me to your next challenge!”

The contestants follow Steve, while Lilly races to Ferguson and says, “All right I’ll have my game back!”

“No way,” Ferguson replies. “I’ve almost beaten this level!”

“Give it!” Lilly yells and tackles Ferguson.

“Cat fight!” Chloe yells.

“Isn’t a cat fight between two girls?” “Mafia” asks.

“Oh yeah,” Chloe says. “I forgot Lilly was in this fight. That makes it a dogfight!”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Lilly: After I’m done with Ferguson, I’m going to beat the snot out of Chloe’s fat head.

Later, Steve and the rest of the contestants (including Kourtney, Kim, Newton, Django) are next to an ice rink.

“The next challenge will be ice skating,” Steve says. “Two people from each team will randomly be selected to compete. Together, they’ll have fifteen minutes to work on a routine and then perform it together. Then Luis, our special guest judge and I, will judge them. Then, we’ll score you. One with the highest score wins. Any questions?”

“Is the guest judge a famous figure skater?” Kourtney asks.

“No,” Steve replies. “He’s a random homeless person we found on the island talking to a five dollar foot-long he called his wife. Now, skating for the Killer Bacteria is April and Ferguson. Skating for the Screaming Parasites is, Shelly and Channary! The Screaming Parasites will go first. Now practice or something.”

Channary and Shelly are shown outside the ice rink talking.

“My parents take me ice skating sometimes,” Shelly says. “So I know how.”

“My boyfriend use to take me, but...” Channary says.

“Great!” Shelly cheers. “So we both know how to ice skate. So let’s practice our routine!”

Later, Steve, Luis and the random homeless man are at the judging table. “All right,” Steve says. “Go!”

Channary is one the ice rink, as Shelly skates out, twirling. Shelly jumps up for Channary to catch her, but Channary skates away off the rink, with her head hanging low.

“Ouch,” Shelly says as she falls on the ice.

Steve holds up a three, Luis holds up a one, and the homeless man holds up a nine.

“So the Screaming Parasites get a total of twenty five,” Steve announces.

“No, they get a score of twelve,” Luis says.

“That’s what I said,” Steve replies. “All right, Killer Bacteria go!”

Ferguson and Lilly fight on the ice skating rink as April just stands there.

“We quit,” April says.

“Ok,” Steve says. “The Screaming Parasites win!”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Channary: Once again, we're saved by our own dumb luck. Still, I feel bad for leaving Shelly alone out there. But the pain of my boyfriend’s death still hurts and being out there was just too painful.

A little later, Steve, Chloe, Artie, Andy and “Mafia” are standing the on the ice rink, where a target is painted in the middle of the rink.

“This next challenge is based on curling,” Steve announces. “Basically each competitor will use these wooden brooms...”

“I know they would abuse trees!” Tree yells from the sidelines.

“Anyway, one competitor will use this broom to sweep a rock. Your goal is to sweep the rock in the center of the circle, or the house. Whoever gets closest to the house wins the last point, and saves their team from elimination, so no pressure. You each only get once chance to hit your stone. And if you hit someone else’s stone, it’s legal and where ever their stone lands counts as their new place. Now let’s start. Artie, you first.”

“I got this,” Artie says confidently. He swings his broom and knocks the stone forward... an inch.

“Fail,” Steve says. “Chloe your next.”

Chloe looks up from her script and says, “According to this, I sweep it on the edge of the circle but not on house.” Chloe sweeps the rock, and it lands on the edge of the circle but on the house.

“Well it was better than Artie,” Steve says. “Your next Andy.”

Andy sweeps the rock and it lands right in the center of the circle. “Yes!” Andy cheers.

“Excellent work Andy,” Steve says. “Well, your go Perry.”

“Mafia!” Perry yells. He grins evilly as he gets ready to sweep. He sweeps his rock, which knocks into Chloe’s rock, which knocks into Andy’s rock, pushing out of the circle and taking its place in the center.

“And with that\Killer Bacteria win!” Steve announces. “I’ll see you at elimination Screaming Parasites.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

“Mafia”: Stealing away the other team’s victory and causing them to go to elimination. A true mark of my evil villainy.

Artie: I’m not worried about elimination. I’ve been talking to the others about sending home Khloe, since she’s so dumb. Everyone’s going to.

Khloe: Artie tried talking to Kourtney and Kim about voting me off, saying I’m too dumb and didn’t do anything. Well the jokes on him, the girl’s alliance is all voting for him! That will show him who is dumb!

Channary: I’m kinda hesitant about voting Artie out. He did try to console me about my boyfriend’s death during Christmas. But everyone is voting for him and if I didn’t and they found out, they would target me.

Later at elimination, the Screaming Parasites are sitting at the stumps while Steve holds a tray of marshmallows. “Welcome,” Steve says. “So basically each of you guys voted. I’ll call out someone’s name and I’ll throw you a marshmallow. Whoever doesn’t get a marshmallow must walk to the Dock Of Super Idiots and board the Boat Of Super Idiots and leave. Now the first marshmallow goes to... Shelly.”

Shelly catches her marshmallow and sighs.

“Django, Newton and Tree,” Steve announces throwing each a marshmallow. Tree catches his from the floor, refusing to sit on the stumps.

“Kourtney and Andy,” Steve announces and tosses each a marshmallow.

“…Channary,” Steve announces and tosses a marshmallow too.

“….Kim,” Steve announces and tosses a marshmallow. “Artie, Khole, one of you will go home. And the last marshmallow goes too…








... Khloe.”

Khloe smiles and catches her marshmallow and sticks her tongue out at Artie.

Artie stands up shocked. “Whatever,” Artie says. “I still have Kim.”

“No you don’t,” Kim says. “Just because I understand why you touched my chest doesn’t mean I’m your girlfriend. Idiot.”

Artie sighs and boards the Boat of Super Idiots.

“Well,” Steve says. “That’s all folks. What will happen next time on Total Drama Idiots!”

Chapter Five- Romance, Groundhogs, Obsessing, NO PIE!

Written by: Webly

An unattractive cupid walks in front of the camera. He says, “Luis, are you sure I’m supposed to look like cupid?”

“Yes Steve,” Luis replies laughing. He turns the camera to his face for a moment and shakes his head, then turns it back to Steve.

“Okay,” Steve says with no emotion. “Last time on Total Drama Idiots, someone was eliminated.”

The baffled cameraman replies, “Are you serious? Last episode, you did a better recap then that and it sounded like a Kindergartner...”

“APRIL FOOLS!” Steve yells. “I got you! How do you like me now? I did a good job of acting like a depressed emo person like you or April.”

“I’m not emo, I just don’t show much emotion,” Luis reveals. “Anyways, it will be the middle of February by the time this episode airs, hence the cupid costume.”

Steve laughs not getting it, “Yeah... April Fools is in February.”

“No, it’s not in February,” Luis says smacking his forehead with the hand not holding the camera. “It’s in April. Why do you think the call it, April Fools? How would you not know what month that was in?”

“I failed Chemistry okay,” Steve admits. He pauses for a moment “You can cut this whole scene out right.”

“They don’t pay me enough for this job,” Luis murmurs to himself, but still loud enough for the camera to capture the dialogue.

The scene changes to the Killer Bacteria camp. Ferguson appears laying down flipping through the channels while a Screaming Parasites member approaches him.

“Hey Ferguson,” Shelly begins. “Listen, Lilly really wants her game system back. Could you possibly give it back to her?”

“Oh that old thing, I beat the game in one hour, and then put it by her bed. I found it too easy for my liking. Shouldn't Lilly be playing harder games?” Ferguson asks.

Shelly sighs and says, “Well, I broke the rules to come over here for nothing then. And, there is nothing wrong with playing easy games. Easy games can be the funnest of all.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Ferguson: Oh, I remember, we’re surrounded by five year olds in this competition. For the record, I quit TV for a day. I guess I really couldn't stop watching TV even after watching Bizarre Mating Rituals. (Ferguson barfs all over the booth.)

“Anyways, you really should stop obsessing over TV and maybe explore other interests.” Shelly admits.

“Does that mean I can’t go see Man on a Ledge at the movie theater that Steve is planning to build for me if I promise to do his laundry for a year?” Ferguson questions.

“We’re getting a movie theater!? Now, I can watch Chutes and Ladders, the exclusive movie they only have out at special movie theaters... so what is this Man on a Ledge about?”

Ferguson smiles and says, “Okay, you’re going to be blown away with this concept. It’s about a man... that’s on a ledge of a big building.”

“Sounds boring,” Fred says falling out of the tree with a stuffed animal pony in his arms. He breaks the fourth wall and turns directly to the camera. “Hey Twitter followers of ME! I just wanted to say if you don’t follow me... I will slit my pony’s head. Okay bye!”

“Ooh, Ferguson! You should start hanging out with Fred since you’re looking to venture into others interests.” Shelly states, nodding her forehead up and down multiple times.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Shelly: Fred seems like he’d become perfect friends with Ferguson.

Lilly: I found the PSP Ferguson gave back to me by my bed today. I loaded my game and I found what Ferguson named himself... it’s kind of disturbing... after I searched what it actually meant on Google.

The scene changes to Chloe passing out scripts to Wonka, April, and Lilly.

“What is this?” Wonka asks Chloe holding the paper upside down.

April laughs and replies, “A chipmunk made into paper by a machine.”

“Poor chipmunk,” Wonka sniffs, genuinely thinking April was serious. Chloe stares at him strangely.

Telephone Booth Confessional Wonka: I didn’t know they made chipmunks into paper. Well, they are a useless animal anyways. Ooh, a strange idea just popped into my head! What if they made chocolate paper or if Steve would consider converting our camp into pure chocolate or if the whole world was secretly made up of chocolate, but no one figured it out until me!

Chloe: Lilly is getting on my nerves... (She begins to think out loud.) Is that all you can think of Chloe? That’s not mean, that’s not even close to Betty White mean. There is not enough conflicts in this long movie besides the one with me and my mom, and the one with me and my brother, and that other with me and my pet cat Stupid, and my internal conflict with myself. I’m starting to think my movie is a little too long. They’ll probably just make a trilogy or even more movies out of my life. The worst part is... this is the fifth time I’ve lived through this day. Just watch, the Screaming Parasites lose and I die. I just hope that I do everything right. I mean what does God want me to do? Make Steve change the pie eating contest challenge?

“April was just kidding,” Lilly says patting Wonka on the back.

“These are your scripts idiots,” Chloe explains rolling her eyes. “I hope this doesn’t confuse your tiny brain, Lilly. I should call you ‘Stupid Lilly’ to represent your intelligence accurately.”

“What did I ever do to you?” Lilly pauses and Chloe almost starts to talk. “You know what forget it. I’m not going to stoop down to that level.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Chloe: I sense a big argument coming soon... I can’t wait! It’ll be some more A-quality for the movie. They really hired some good actors for this show. Everyone plays their part so well. Watch we're going to take home all of the Oscars. It's like everyone here is as insane as the character they portray.

Lilly walks out of the room angered and passes Perry suggesting an idea to his team.

“Let’s all do a mafia roleplay,” Perry announces.

“Over my dead body,” April says walking by.

Adele approaches Perry and sings, “Everybody everybody play mafia. Everybody-"

Perry rudely cuts her off. “Anyone else? I’ll even take Fred.”

“I said I’ll join,” Adele sings getting Perry’s attention.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Perry: I can’t roleplay with a singer. There are no singers in the adult game of mafia! Well, perhaps maybe the Town Crier...

“You did? I must not have heard you.” Perry lies smoothly. “So, do you know how to play?”

“No, who am I supposed to be?”

Perry shrugs and says, “Be the slightly rabid oracle. I’ll be the werewolf. Let’s start.”

“Um... I see you driving round town with the girl I love and I’m like Forget You,” Adele sings. “Sorry, when I get nervous I tend to sing. You should’ve seen my school presentations. The teachers would end up bribing me an A as long as I would stop singing.” Perry looks at her strangely. “Okay, I’ll start now. In your future, I see victory and an angry panic.”

“Ooh, that sounds good. You know because I’m a werewolf and all. I kind of want to side with the mafia but it’d be betraying the gang.”

Adele gasps and sings, “It’s a werewolf! Lynch! Lynch! Lynch!”

“But...”

Adele comes up with a rope. “Guess who’s about to die.”

“You know what,” Perry starts trying hard not to rage quit in panic. “I’m not in the mood for roleplay anymore. I’ll just get on with my dastardly deeds.”

Telephone Booth Confessional Adele: I think I scared him away.

Ferguson: Oh dear lord, Fred is the most annoying person I’ve ever met. I think he has ADHD.

Fred: Ferguson is really lazy and boring. I think he has some social issues. Here’s what happened.

“Isn’t it fun being alone in the woods with one another?” Fred exclaims. “Sometimes it’s so fun I want to pee my pants, and then post to Twitter that I’m peeing my pants!”

Ferguson rolls his eyes and replies, “I wonder if I should be scared of the forest. I’ve watched a lot of forest scenes in TV shows like Lost. For instance, when Mr. Eko was alone, he was killed by the smoke monster! When Nikki and Paolo were alone, they got bit by spiders that made them appear dead for seven hours. The moment Nikki woke up the castaways were putting the last shovel of sand on top of there head. She died...” He sniffles.

“Being lost would be fun,” Fred says. “Then I’d get to sing and not have people throw hurtful objects at me from afar.”

Ferguson observes his surroundings. “Are we lost right now?” Fred looks down. “I thought you said you knew where we were going.”

Fred answers, “Here’s the story, I was going to leave a cookie crumb trail behind us with this big cookie. But, the cookie looked good and I ate it.”

“I’m stuck here with an insane child,” Ferguson states freaking out.

Fred snorts while laughing. “No, you’re stuck here with an insane child and his singing voice. Ooh, I have a perfect song with your scenario. SOS please someone help me.”

“No, not a Rihanna remake!”

“Fine then,” Fred says sadly. “If you don’t appreciate my singing then I might as well not say anything at all.”

“That’s all I’m asking here!”

Fred starts crying. “You’re so hurtful!”

Chloe randomly appears and gives them scripts. “Here are this episode’s scripts,” Chloe explains. “Follow them or die!”

“This is an unscripted reality competition show,” Ferguson says. Chloe smiles and replies, “Yes, but I made scripts for your characters to be far more interesting. What kind of ordinary people obsess over ponies and TV.”

“An interesting person that believes that this is real life, Chloe.”

Chloe rolls her eyes and leads them back to their habitat.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Ferguson: I really don’t know how she really found us. We were far into the forest. It’s almost like she appeared out of thin air.

Chloe: People have not been following their scripts lately, but you know what that means. I’m going have to make them more realistic. I guess that just means cutting out the weekly guest star.

Elmo: I’m lost! I was told to guest star this week by some girl on the street. She said to meet her on this island. That should be a new episode on Sesame Street! Don’t trust people on the street even if they aren't black. Then the next episode should be about not being racist like my last sentence was. I really should be writing for that show. I haven’t had a realistic puppet plot since the first episode I appeared.

The scene changes to the Screaming Parasites camp with a even crazier bunch. Tree is seen kissing a tree.

“I hope no one ever cuts you down, buddy.” Tree says hugging the tree romantically. “If only someday I’d find someone that loves trees just as much as me. It’s a disgrace what they do to you tree. Making you into homework is just tragic.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Tree: The only good thing about nature is trees, everything else sucks. I mean if you get by a mosquito bite you have a chance of getting malaria and don’t get me started about ants. What is the purpose for the stupid small creatures besides annoying me to death?

Andy: Yep, I just heard that, but the crazy thing is I’ve heard weirder confessionals before. Newton talking about some string theory, Kim talking about fig newtons, Django talking about how to order Chinese food in Spanish, Khloe talking about hand modeling, Channary going on and on crying over someone SHE dumped, and I think we all heard Shelly singing in that first challenge. I’ve never heard Kourtney ever confess something in here though.

Newton: I am now going to give Kourtney daffodils I found in the forest. I did my research and they are the rarest on the island. It’ll win that magnificent piece of work’s heart.

“Kourtney, would you mind to come over here for a second?” Newton practices nerdily in his cabin. He pushes his glasses up higher on his nose. “No, no that’s too professional for Kourtney’s style. I’d better just put the flowers by her pillow and leave a nice note that it’s from me.” He quickly walks over to her cabin and places the flowers there. “I hope she loves daffodils...”

The scene changes to Django dressed up as Bob Eubanks, the old host of The Newlywed Game.

“I sense love arising,” Django admits. “Well, only because I was told by Luis today was the Valentine’s Day episode.”

Channary sighs sadly. She explains, “Another valentine’s where I’m alone. I’m usually dumped the day before. because boys don’t want to buy me a present and they figured they were probably going to dump me anyways.”

“That’s super depressing,” Khloe says walking in the room. “I’ve had a few boyfriends over the years, but no relationships have lasted long.”

“Mine always end in heartbreak,” Channary reveals. “No one loves the real me. One day I want to be a famous model. I’m tall enough to be one, but am I pretty enough is what I always question myself. You must love being a model. I’d love to get featured in magazines and be seen as pretty.”

Khloe shakes her head and says, “I’m just a hand model. I model rings and bracelets. I’m not tall enough or pretty enough to be a model myself.”

“Both of you girls are pretty,” Django states boldly. “You may not see it, but you are very pretty both inside and out. Now, let’s try to stay happy on Valentine’s. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy.” He walks out of the room.

Channary smiles and Khloe looks at Channary concerned. Kourtney is seen standing at the door. She runs to her cabin in a rage.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Kourtney: Why doesn't he realize I love him?

A loud scream is heard coming from the girls’ cabin.

A cameraman yelled, “Medics! Medics! We need medical help!”

All the Screaming Parasites run to the girls’ cabin.

Kourtney is seen having an allergic reaction. She says something, but no one can understand her. It is revealed in the subtitles that she was allergic to daffodils, the flowers that Newton gave her.

“Kourtney, you told me you weren’t allergic to anything,” Newton exclaims. She looks down to the floor and is given a shot.

It is announced by the medics that she will be healthy in a day, but it’d be best if she’d rest.

“I feel so awful,” Newton confesses.

Tree laughs and says, “I wouldn’t. Daffodils and all other flowers are always seen as pretty. It makes people like them better than trees! Trees are beautiful! Flowers are just a disgrace.”

“Okay...” Newton says wide eyed and walks away.

Kim runs to the daffodils and eats them. She says, “Mm! Yummy in my tummy! I wonder what ingredients they put in these flowers. I must have more of these. This is the best food I’ve ever ate.”

Shelly struts by and sees Kim eating the daffodils. Shelly asks, “Kim are you okay?”

“Never been better,” She replies skipping to find more daffodils.

“Okay,” Shelly shrugs. She looks at Tree. “Would you mind playing Go Fish with me?”

“Are you serious?” Tree questions crazily. “To think I would touch something that was made of trees. You are a sick woman. Sick I tell you!”

“No,” Shelly says. “These cards are made from dead trees that were hit in storms. They costed me a lot, but you know it’s always cool to have the exclusive versions of games.”

“Oh,” Tree replies. He stares at the cards for a second. “I guess I wouldn’t mind playing.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Shelly: I’m not lying about what I said to Tree. Those cards were very exclusive.

The teams are called for a challenge by Steve. “Today is Valentine’s Day, kind of,” Steve states. “Do they celebrate Valentine’s Day in other countries, Luis?”

“Yes,” Luis answers. “Most countries besides some African countries and Brazil, I think.”

“Oh... that’s boring. See other countries steal all of our traditions. Like Canada airing Total Drama shows after America, it’s just sick.” Steve says.

Luis rolls his eyes and explains, “Total Drama originated in Canada you dipwad.”

“Oh... now what does a dipwad mean?” Steve asks.

Kim raises her hand and yells, “I know! I know!”

“Just get on with the challenge, Steve,” Andy says bored.

“Fine, fine,” Steve says slightly angry. “Today’s challenge has nothing to do with Valentine’s! It’s related to Groundhog’s Day. It was going to be a pie eating contest, but Chloe persuaded me into changing the challenge so NO PIE! All seventeen of you guys minus Kourtney have to capture a groundhog and whoever catches a groundhog last loses the challenge for their team. That person will probably have a large chance of being eliminated. Ooh, and you have to put them in cages. Did I explain that well enough for you guys?”

“CAGES! NO PIE!” Kim says spazzing out.

Everyone looks at her awkwardly.

“It’s okay guys,” Chloe says. “The screenwriter probably couldn’t think of any interesting thing to say. It sure was better than what it said here in the script...”

April is seen quickly moving toward the Screaming Parasites.

“Anyways,” Steve says, “Let’s-” He looks over to April. “Aren’t you on the Killer Bacteria?”

She laughs and replies, “I was always on this team, Joe.”

“Ooh, a new nickname,” Steve smiles. “Begin!”

They all stare at him.

“The groundhogs are all around the island already,” Luis tells the contestants. “Steve doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing with this job.”

Steve nods and everyone runs off with the exception of Chloe.

“I wonder if this crazy idea of a challenge change was the right idea,” Chloe murmurs to herself. “Maybe someone is supposed to be eliminated! Maybe I defeated the time-warp.” A groundhog randomly jumps into her arms. “This is probably the screenwriters attempt to make me stop talking. Oh well. Let’s just put 'em in a cage.”

The groundhog growls at Chloe and jumps out of her arms.

“Just my luck...”

The scene switches to April and Andy.

“Why’d you lie to Steve?” Andy asks.

April shrugs. “It’s one of my habits. So is bulldozing kittens.”

Andy laughs and reveals, “I find sarcasm funny. Although, I guess when you are sarcastic everyone believes you.” He romantically stares at her for a moment.

“Yeah...” April nods. “We better catch the groundhogs.” She looks up in a tree and sees a bunch of groundhogs. “Groundhogs are in trees???” The groundhogs stare at April scared and jump out of the tree. “Andy, let’s catch them!”

She leaps and catches one in her arms. She gives it to Andy and says, “Take it! I can get another one myself.”

Andy smiles looking at April and runs to Steve. He sees Perry, Django, and Lilly standing by their respective cages. Andy quickly puts the groundhog in the cage. “Well, that was a different experience...”

The scene changes to Adele, Wonka, and Channary.

“Guys, I think we found the groundhogs homes,” Wonka exclaims looking at the ground. “That’s weird they already have homes and they haven’t been released for more than a hour.”

“That’s weird,” Channary says. “Wonka figured out something I couldn’t put together in my head.”

Chloe randomly pops out from the bushes with one eye twitching. She says, “You shall not get these groundhogs, they are mine!” She pushes Wonka down and dives for a groundhog. She quickly runs to Steve, but the groundhog falls out of her hands again and jumps to Channary.

“Yay, I got one!” Channary says happily.

Chloe falls to her knees and crawls back into the forest. “NO! What the--?”

“Is it just me or is Chloe acting weirder than usual?” Adele in song, questions the tall one and the chocolate obsessed one.

The chocolate obsessed one replies, “It’s possible.” He puts a Kit Kat from his pocket into his mouth.

A few groundhogs pop up out of their holes and Adele and Wonka catch them.

“Nice job guys,” Channary says running to Steve. She and her other non-team friends put their groundhogs in the nearest cages.

The scene changes to the Kardashian Alliance minus Kourtney plus April following them.

Telephone Booth Confessional

April: So, here’s what happened. I climbed a tree and sprayed this weird groundhog repellent I found, all over Shelly, Tree, and Newton. Now, instead of doing the same for the K girls, I decided to follow them until they would get a groundhog and then I would jump in and steal it. Although, I have no idea how my other teammates will get their groundhogs before the K girls do because they’re pretty dumb.

Fred: OMG! I heard April say I’m dumb and that is so rude! Oh my gammit, I think I hear some groundhogs running by. (Without opening the door, Fred attempts to run out of the Telephone Booth. The Booth falls over and Fred is seen crying.) That hurt my bunions!

“Guys, I think I see some groundhogs!” Kim says pointing to a squirrel.

Khloe rolls her eyes and retorts, “Uh... that’s a squirrel.”

“Oh,” Kim says depressingly.

Khloe examines the area surrounding her and spots a few groundhogs. She whispers, “Kim, I found three groundhogs! Let’s tiptoe over to them.” She looks at the deranged Kim. “I better go get it for Kim. Stay here, Kim.”

April appears out of nowhere and swoops in catching a groundhog like a female tarzan. Being even more of a ninja, she sprays the two with groundhog repellent.

“Ew, what is this crappy smell?” Khloe asks.

“I recognize the smell!” Kim admits. “It’s the smell of alligator urine.”

“GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!” Khloe runs to the bathroom and barfs all over the place.

April returns to Steve and puts her groundhog in a cage. “I got this by not cheating at all!”

An hour passes and Ferguson and Fred come back with their groundhog.

“The repellent should’ve wore off by now,” She murmurs to herself.

Steve hears April’s whisper and asks, “You used a repellent... well that’s just... AWESOME!”

The Screaming Parasites gasps and April shrugs. She says, “It was all part of my plan. But, then I got more than I bargained for when I met Andy.” She hugs him and they randomly start making out.

“Tell me why we didn’t pick a cast of normal people,” Luis asks Steve.

Steve laughs and admits, “I thought these people were normal.”

Chloe is seen running to the last Killer Bacteria cage with a groundhog in rough condition. She twitches, “This will be the last time I relive this day!” She puts the groundhog in the cage.

“Killer Bacteria win immunity!!!” Steve exclaims. He calls back the remaining Parasites and both teams return to their camps.

The scene changes to the girls alliance.

“Okay girls,” Kourtney says laying in a rolling bed still puffy from her attack. “Today was a big loss due to Andy’s new lying girlfriend, so let’s vote out Andy.”

Khloe sighs and replies, “Aw... Andy’s so nice and he does appear more normal than the others,” The girls stare at Kim who is picking her nose.

“I agree with Khloe,” Channary explains. “Sometimes I’m frightened by our fellow team mates.” The girls stare at Shelly who is playing Go Fish with her imaginary friend and back at Kim, still picking her nose.

“Whatever, as long as it’s not me I really don’t care who goes,” Kourtney admits. “Newton can go too. He did give me an allergic reaction, but then again he was in love with me for my lovely... well, self.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Channary: Kourtney is getting on my nerves. It’s like she’s in charge of this team and I just can’t stand someone who only does their things their way. Too bad I’m the only one who realizes this. I could be acting over dramatic like I usually am though.

The scene changes to Tree talking to a tree while Andy walks by.

Andy: I hope I don’t go tonight... April’s a really good kisser.

Newton: The girls seem to have an alliance and since I did almost kill Kourtney, I am probably leaving.

Django: The ladies love me and since it’s really up to them, I’m safe.

Tree: Don’t you hate it when birds live in trees. I mean why can’t they live in the ground like groundhogs! They are potentially ruining the tree!

The scene changes to elimination.

“Today I decided to read off the votes, because Luis says I should be concerned at some of the votes.” Steve explains. “Anyways, uh... let’s just vote...” The campers vote with no one feeling confident with the exception of Django. “So... um... the votes are in and I shall read the votes. The first vote goes to Birds, not counted because Birds aren’t in the game...” All the campers stare at Tree who whistles innocently. “The second vote goes to Tree. The third vote goes to Andee... which is spelled wrong or at least I think it is. The fourth vote goes to Courtney, which is also spelled wrong. The fifth vote goes to Newton. The sixth vote goes to Tree. The seventh vote goes to Andy. One vote left. Andy, Tree, the second person eliminated from the Parasites is...
















ANDY! I’m sorry Andy, but you have been eliminated.”

“Bye guys! It was nice to meet most of you!” Andy admits sadly. “I guess I kind of ruined my chances when my new girlfriend lost the challenge for us.”

“It seems as if this team is falling apart with the variety of votes,” Luis states.

“Wasn’t I supposed to say that?” Steve questions.

Luis sighs and answers, “Yes, but it’s not like you were going to say that and as a good observant camera man, I felt the need to say that.”

“I think that wraps the show up!” Steve says embarrassed. “What will happen next time on the show full of idiots?”

"Total Drama Idiots!" Luis blurts out.


Chapter Six - I'm Lovin' THIS

Written by: BadAsp

Steve was seen eating a Big Mac. As soon as he took a bite out of the burger, Luis looked at him with longing eyes. “Can I have one?” the cameraman said.

Steve stopped eating and turned to Luis. “Get your own,” Steve snapped back at him. Steve then turned to face the audience. “Anyway, last time, the teens had to capture groundhogs, which I thought were pink and had curly tails, but I found out looked like mice or weasels or something. I don’t know. This is what I get for falling asleep in physics class, because if I had stayed awake, I would’ve definitely known what one looked like! Anyway, the Parasites lost, some guy named Andy got the boot, yadda yadda yadda. NOW LET ME EAT MY MEAT!” Steve continued to eat his Big Mac while Luis just stood there and cried.

In the Killer Bacteria cabin, on the boys’ side, Ferguson and Wonka were watching a commercial for M&M’s on TV. “You know, just watching this commercial makes me want to buy some M&M’s right now!” Ferguson said.

“My favorite commercials are the one with the green M&M... she is like the hottest cartoon character EVER!” Wonka said.

“Really?” Ferguson asked.

“Yeah, really!” Wonka said. “I even have a poster of her in my bedroom back home!”

Just then, Perry entered. “Ah, there you are. I wanted to tell you boys something.”

“You think the green M&M is hot too?” Wonka said.

Perry sighed, and then he said, “What? Anyway, I have an offer you can’t refuse.”

“You’ve been watching too many mafia movies,” Ferguson said.

“And you’ve been watching too many... everything,” Perry said. “But yeah, I would like to form a partnership with you two.”

“You mean like an alliance?” Ferguson asked. “Well, this reality TV show watcher is in!” Ferguson shook hands with Perry.

“Is there chocolate involved?” Wonka asked Perry.

“Um... yes, there is,” Perry lied.

“Yay!” Wonka said, and gave Perry a big hug.

“PLEASE don’t do that,” Perry said with a scowl.

“Sorry,” Wonka said.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Ferguson: After watching all those alliances on TV, I get to be in one! How cool is that?

Wonka: I think Perry is a good teammate to have. His parents must have let him have all the chocolate he wants!

Perry: In the mafia, there’s always safety in numbers. The bigger your gang is, the more likely your missions will succeed. I recruited Ferguson and Wonka into my gang, and I was going to ask Fred as well. He wasn’t with them at first, but when he came back to our cabin...

Just then, Fred came back to the cabin. “OMG! Did I hear you talk about an alliance?”

“Why, yes, I just did,” said Perry.

“But there’s one condition before I join, Katy Perry,” said Fred.

“You are not to address me as ‘Katy Perry’! You are to address me as Per- er, I mean, you are to address me as ‘Mafia’! Understand?” Perry said impatiently.

“Coolsies. Anyway, before I join, how would the three of you like to follow me on Twitter?” Fred inquired.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Fred: I love Twitter because it is the best way to send pictures of your cats! Maybe I’ll ask mom and dad to get me a cat, so that I can send a picture of it on Twitter! Oh, and follow me on Twitter! Maybe you can send me a picture of your cat while you’re at it!

“Um, not now, okay?” Perry said.

“Fine, then!” Fred said. “I’ll ask someone else! Don’t be like Kevin!”

He then walked out of the cabin and saw April sitting outside on the steps. She looked sad, and she held her head in her hands.

Telephone Booth Confessional

April: No, I have never cried before. Seriously, I haven’t even once cried. Not even when I was a baby.

Fred saw April crying and walked over to her. “Hey, how would you like to follow me on Twitter?” he said.

“Yeah, that’s an appropriate thing to say to someone who LOST THE BOY OF HER DREAMS,” she snapped at him. “Now leave me alone so I can continue the happiest day of my life.”

“Um, I think you’re crying,” Fred said. “And I know you’re crying because your eyes are leaking, silly!”

“Um, eyes don’t leak,” April said, “AT ALL.”

“I think I know what will cheer you up!” Fred said. He showed her a picture of a cat. “See, I saw this one picture of a cat that I found on Twitter, and printed it out for Judy to have, because I’m pretty sure she loves pictures of cats!”

April looked at the cat picture. “Yeah, that definitely made me feel better.” She then placed the picture aside and went back to crying.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Fred: She doesn’t like pictures of cats? What planet did this girl come from? Who doesn’t love pictures of cats?

Fred, dejected, then started heading back into the cabin. But on the way back, he tripped on the stairs and fell. April started laughing at him.

“You... you laughed at me? You’re a meanyhead!” And then he RAN back into the cabin.

Telephone Booth Confessional

April: So, I admit it, other people’s pain can actually be funny. I love being 100% honest!

In the girls’ side of the cabin, Chloe was writing something down on her notepad, when Adele walked over to her. “If you need something, can I help yoooou? What is it that you want me to doooo?” Adele sang. “Do you need help, do you need a friend? Because I will stay with you to the very end, oh yeah!”

“Well, I would appreciate it if you just minded your own business, like the script you were given this morning told you to, and let me deal with Lame Girl Advance. I’m sure you can put your musical expertise to work and compose a stunning soundtrack to this upcoming scene, okay?” Chloe told Adele, before walking over to Lilly, who was playing yet another game on her PSP.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Adele[singing]: Chloe needs a friend she can rely on, so I don’t have to find a shoulder to cry on!

The new game Lilly was playing had bright colors and what looked like letters of the alphabet on the screen. Chloe laughed when she took a peek at the screen. “I already memorized the script for this scene at least twice, so I should know this already, but do tell me... what is the name of THIS award-winning masterpiece you’re playing?” Chloe told Lilly sarcastically.

“Angela’s Alphabet Adventure,” Lilly replied. “I didn’t want to leave this show without finishing at least one game, and this is a game I KNOW I can beat!”

Chloe continued laughing.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Chloe: That rookie has got to be kidding me. She decides to play a video game... about the alphabet? That would be as ridiculous as making a reality series about the alphabet... I mean, who would want to tune in to see THAT?

Lilly: Laugh if you want, but all the people I know who’ve played Angela’s Alphabet Adventure have actually beaten it. I intend to do the same thing today!

“What? N comes AFTER M? Great... now I have to start the level over!” Lilly fumed, while Chloe laughed. Adele was watching this, and went over to Chloe.

“You shouldn’t be making fun of her while she’s playing, so just listen to me is what I’m saying,” Adele sang to Chloe.

“Hey, she chose to bring games the script specifically told her not to bring, so it’s HER problem, not mine,” Chloe said, waving a dismissing hand toward Adele. Adele then whispered something in Lilly’s ear, and Lilly nodded to Adele, and the two of them ran out of the cabin.

“Those two are SO not going to win Gemmy Awards in the future,” Chloe said. “Well, I might as well get the treatment a star actress such as myself deserves.” Chloe then headed toward the showers. She closed the door, took off her clothes, and entered the tub. She then turned on the water, and put some shampoo in her hair... or what she THOUGHT was shampoo. Outside of the showers, Adele and Lilly were giggling.

Chloe emerged from the shower wearing a towel to dry off... however, her hair was now purple instead of blonde. Chloe could hear Lilly and Adele giggling. “What is so funny?” Chloe asked angrily.

“Your hair,” Lilly snickered. Chloe pulled out a mirror, and looked into it, and saw her now purple hair.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Chloe shrieked. The birds that roosted on the roofs of the cabins flew off.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Chloe: Actually, I knew they were going to dye my hair purple. But the thing is, SOMEONE forgot to write that part in the script this morning! The writer is SO getting a pay cut.

At the girls’ side of the cabin for the Screaming Parasites, however, Channary and Khloe were lying on one of the beds. “Khloe, I’ve been wanting to ask this for a while now... how do you do it?” Channary asked Khloe.

“Do what?” Khloe replied.

“How are you so good at modeling?” Channary said. “Oh, how I wish I could become like you!”

“You will, one day!” Khloe said with a grin.

Channary started striking what she thought was a model’s pose. “So... what do you think?”

“Um...” Khloe didn’t know what to say.

“So... does my milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?” Channary asked.

Khloe just stood there in silence.

“You... don’t know much about modeling actual bodies, do you?” Channary guessed.

“Not a clue!” Khloe said, shrugging.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Channary: Remind me never to have Khloe pick out my dresses when I go shopping! And for the record, I don’t care whether it’s the Khloe with a K or the Chloe with a C.

Just then, Kim, for no reason, took all of the bedsheets off each of the beds, and put each of them on a different bed.

“Whoa!” Shelly said, just as Kim placed the bedsheet out from under her while she was playing a game of solitaire. “Why are you rearranging all the beds?”

“Because I don’t have much to do this episode and I am just filler for the camp scenes!” Kim said with a smile on her face.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Khloe: Oh. That makes perfect sense!

The four girls had been waiting for Kourtney the entire time they were in the cabin. They were glad when Kourtney, no longer swollen, arrived, and greeted the four girls.

“Hey, Kourtney,” Khloe said.

“Nice to see you, girl!” Kourtney said, and gave Khloe a hug.

“Yay, the Kardashian alliance is back!” Kim said, smiling and clapping her hands.

“I still don’t understand why you keep calling it that,” Channary said to Kim.

Just then, Newton walked over to the girls. “Hello, Kourtney,” Newton said with a smile on his face.

“And GOODBYE, Newton,” Kourtney said, running out of the cabin. Newton just stood there, confused.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Newton: They’re just daffodils! Simple yellow flowers! I honestly didn’t know you were allergic to them! Kourtney, PLEASE. GET. OVER. IT.

Meanwhile, Tree was walking around outside, planting flowers everywhere, when he saw Kim and Shelly throwing some paper airplanes outside the window of the cabin and giggling. Tree shed a single tear.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Tree: As if it wasn’t bad enough that some poor trees had to be turned into paper, some of the girls on my team turned the paper into paper airplanes! The green children of Mother Earth deserve better than this...

Tree went over to a secluded area of the campgrounds. There were lots of beautiful trees in this area, many of them draped in leaves of the brightest of greens. “These trees are so beautiful,” Tree said to himself as he basked in the beauty. “But it’s too bad that there are some cruel, insensitive people left in the game who are already thinking about cutting these trees down.” He then wiped off another tear that rolled down his cheek.

However, Tree suddenly realized that he was the only one in the area... since no one else in the game had even thought about exploring this place at all.

“I... I’m probably the only one who cares about you trees, am I?” he said. “Everyone else left has probably been in an alliance by now... I feel so left out. I must do what they do... I must get my head in the game, and socialize with other people! I may have to forget about you trees for a while... though it’ll be tough because I will never forget about you at all!” He then hugged one of the trees for at least a full minute.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Tree: Forming an alliance can be difficult with human competitors, because trees, unlike humans, can never stab you in the back... that is, unless you’re leaning against a sharp branch by accident.

Tree ran back toward the cabins. He then saw Kim and Shelly. “Hello there, children of Gaia. I was wondering if you would like to-” But before he could finish, he was pelted with paper airplanes. The secluded area with trees was visited again.

Kourtney ran over to Kim and Shelly. “Is he gone yet?” Kourtney asked.

“Tree?” Shelly said. “Yeah, you just missed him.”

“No, not Tree!” Kourtney replied. “I’m talking about-”

Just then, Newton approached the girls. “Come on, Kourtney!” Newton said. “Don’t you want to talk to me?”

Suddenly, Kourtney pulled Shelly aside. “Um... why don’t the two of us go play a nice game of Chutes and Ladders?” Kourtney said to Shelly.

Shelly was nervous. “Um... how about Connect Four instead?” she stammered.

“Okay, that works too!” Kourtney said, and she grabbed Shelly and ran as far away from Newton as possible.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Newton: Kourtney’s been avoiding me like she’s been avoiding this confessional! ...Seriously, she hardly ever uses this place. I think she’s only used it like twice total, and that’s it. I KNOW she’s hiding something, and I intend to find out what it is!

At the boys’ side of the Parasites’ cabin, Newton was mixing various chemical compounds and pouring them into test tubes and beakers, when Django, now dressed as the Mad Hatter, kept pushing the test tubes off the table with his hands. “No room! No room!” Django shouted. Newton sighed, picked the test tubes back up, and continued to experiment. “Why are you dressed like the Mad Hatter today, Django?” Newton said. “I bet you must like that costume a lot, since I assume you’ve worn it lots of times!”

Telephone Booth Confessional

Django: Wrong! I haven’t worn it at all until today! I’m just tryin’ this baby out! Besides, I don’t think anyone on Total Drama has dressed as the Mad Hatter before, so... I think I’m very original.

Newton then poured a tube of purple liquid into a beaker filled with green liquid. “Perfect!” Newton said. “If my calculations are correct, this love potion will get Kourtney to fall in love with me!”

“Why don’t you just hold a tea party instead?” Django said. “Speaking of which... no room! No room!” Django flailed his arms again and knocked the tubes and beakers off again, and accidentally hit Newton with his arms, causing the “love potion” to fly out of the beaker! He held the beaker up to try to catch the liquid, but some of it hit his lips... and fell into his mouth. Newton swallowed the liquid.

All Django could do was just stand and watch as Newton started shifting his eyes and laughing maniacally. “Does NOTHING work right for me?” Newton said, in his new mad scientisty voice. “They all laughed at me... they all mocked me... but once I concoct a new formula that will deal with them... they will wish they hadn’t done that! They will all pay! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” Newton then worked even more frantically on his experiments.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Django: I thought I was supposed to be the most insane guy on our team! This Mad Hatter costume is worthless now!

Chloe: Called it! I told you Newton was going to be a mad scientist! This is because I was smart enough to read the script, unlike the amateurs in the cast!

At the mess hall, the sixteen contestants were trying to eat their breakfast (or at least the generic stuff that passed for breakfast). None of them were interested in the “food”.

“This stuff’s totally boring,” Fred whined.

“I’m beginning to wonder if people actually eat this and live to tell about it,” said Channary.

“I’m sure some people did,” April said.

“I don’t even want to know what damage THIS stuff does to the environment,” Tree complained as he picked at his meal with his fork.

Just then, Steve showed up. “Let me guess, you don’t like your food, right?” he said.

“Even I wouldn’t serve this slop to my worst enemy,” Perry complained.

“Well, I’m gonna be generous and give you some real food for a change!” Steve said.

“Cool!” Lilly said. “Where are we going?”

*SCENE TRANSITION!*

Before you know it, Steve and all sixteen contestants were, thanks to the magic of editing, standing in front of a nearby McDonald’s!

“Yay, McDonald’s!” Fred cheered.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Shelly: One minute, we’re eating stuff I wouldn’t even feed my pet doggy, and the next, we’re at McDonald’s. Wow... I never knew that Steve could actually be so AWESOME!

“I like McDonald’s, because they serve the best pizza ever!” April said excitedly.

“Um, I’ve been to McDonald’s like lots of times, and I don’t remember McDonald’s EVER serving pizza,” Channary said, rolling her eyes.

Lilly took out her PSP. “What are you doing?” Chloe asked.

“I’m going to try to see if I can use the free wi-fi to download some new content for my game, maybe something that will allow me to complete it!” Lilly said. She turned it on and waited awhile, but nothing happened.

“What? What gives?” Lilly complained. “How am I going to beat Angela’s Alphabet Adventure NOW?”

“Actually, I’ve played Angela’s Alphabet Adventure like ZILLIONS of times,” Shelly said, “and that game has no DLC.”

Lilly fumed.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Lilly: Well, there’s ONE game I won’t be playing anymore!

Fred: If Lilly doesn’t want to play it, can I have it? Please? Pretty please?

Shelly: I haven’t played that game in a WHILE. Maybe I should play it again after the challenge!

“Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I took you all to McDonald’s, correct?” Steve told the contestants.

“For the chicken chow mein they have, right?” April said.

“Um, April, didn’t you say they served pizza as well?” said Khloe.

“Oh yeah. That too!” April continued.

“No, it’s none of those things!” Steve shouted. “McDonald’s is where we are having the next challenge, okay? And for this challenge, you’ll be using these!” Steve snapped his fingers, and some interns gave a paintgun to each of the sixteen contestants.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Chloe: Did someone switch scripts on me when I wasn’t looking? First, Steve out of the blue just takes us to McDonald’s, and then he gives us paintguns. I’m pretty sure that last I checked, McDonald’s and paintguns had nothing in common. Is this movie directed by Friedberg and Seltzer, or what? I mean, those two are such tryhards, and you really can’t do any worse than Vampires Suck!

“Sweet, a paintgun!” Perry raised his paintgun high in the air. “The mafia could use weapons such as these.”

“So, we get to shoot the other team with these, right?” Ferguson asked.

“Well, not exactly,” Steve said. “You’ll have to use these paintguns to defeat my worst enemy!”

“And what, pray tell, is your worst enemyyyyy?” Adele sang. “This I have just got to seeeeeee!”

Steve took all sixteen contestants, armed with paintguns, into the McDonald’s, and led them over to the Play Area. Luckily, this McDonald’s was completely devoid of other customers, as any customer would surely call the police after witnessing such shenanigans.

“So, what, your worst enemy is somewhere near the Play Area?” Channary said.

“My worst enemy IS the Play Area!” Steve said. “You have to use your paintguns to shoot at this unholy abomination, and the team that manages to defeat it wins invincibility tonight!”

The sixteen contestants were... sorta excited.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Steve: This will teach McDonald’s for not letting grown-ups like me use the Play Area anymore! Next time, make your tunnels larger so I can crawl through them without getting stuck!

Luis: Steve needs to grow up.

The Screaming Parasites and the Killer Bacteria splattered the already-gaudy Play Area in even gaudier paint from their guns. The Play Area became a melange of green and red paint in less than a minute.

When Django and Kourtney were shooting their paintguns at the ball pit, they saw the balls in the pit move. “No! Don’t shoot at me! Please! I give up!” they heard a voice shout.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Django: I could’ve sworn the balls in the pit were talking to me. I wonder if they’re friends with the teacups that I had a conversation with this morning!

Just then, a boy, soaked in green paint emerged from the ball pit, mostly due to Khloe dragging him out. Some police officers came over to him and slapped handcuffs on him.

“Who’s THIS freak of the week?” Khloe asked.

“It appears we’ve finally caught Dan Freeman, aka ‘The Hamburglar Helper’”, one police officer stated. “He’s been stealing inventory from this McDonald’s for years and has eluded captivity.”

"I WANT MY MOMMY!" Dan shouted, trying to break free from the handcuffs.

“Good thing people like you were there to put a stop to his nefarious deeds,” said the other police officer, “even if you coated the Play Area in even more paint than the required amount.”

“Wow, this has been a shocking turn of events, even more so than normal,” Steve said. “I think I should just award the victory to whoever captured The Hamburglar Helper... who was it again?”

“We checked the security cameras, and it was this brave girl with such pretty hands who turned him in,” the first police officer said, referring to Khloe.

“That, and the fact that he’s covered in green paint, means that the Parasites win invincibility!” Steve announced. “Wow, that was a quick challenge.”

“Yeah, but it sure was fun!” Shelly said, cheering.

“And as your reward, Parasites, the eight of you can have all you want from McDonald’s today, and it’ll be on me!” Steve said.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Shelly: If all I have to do to get free food in McDonald’s is win a challenge, then I should sign up to do more of these reality TV things! More challenge wins means more french fries and Coca-Cola for me!

An hour later, the Screaming Parasites (well, six of them anyway) were sitting at a table enjoying the free food. Channary sank her teeth into a Quarter Pounder, while Kourtney chowed down on Fish McBites. Django sipped some sweet tea, while the health-conscious Tree ate a garden salad. Khloe ate a McChicken sandwich, while Shelly wolfed down her fries.

They noticed two of their team members were missing. “Why aren’t Newton and Kim here yet?” Channary asked.

“Yeah, they’re seriously missing these delicious Fish McBites,” Kourtney said. “They’d better try these babies soon before they’re all gone!”

Newton, however, was still at the counter, mixing the sodas he purchased by randomly pouring the contents of one cup into another cup in the hopes of causing some kind of reaction. “Soon I shall create a formula that will eliminate world thirst, and no one will be laughing at me anymore! Mwa ha ha!” He laughed evilly.

Just then, he heard the sound of giggling accompanied with the sound of paint being splattered. He went towards the source, which was the Play Area. Even though the challenge was over, Kim was still coating the Play Area in green paint from her paintgun.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Newton: I was afraid to go near Kim before because she was one of the most impulsive girls on the planet. Plus, she kinda bit my arm, mistaking me for a Fig Newton. But something must have been in one of the chemicals I swallowed, because I like her now!

Newton approached Kim. “You know you’re missing the latest scientific breakthrough!” he said to her.

“I know, but I just wanted to make this place all green and everything,” Kim replied. “Maybe I should steal one of the other team’s paintguns and make things red as well... that way, it’ll look like it’s covered in blood! Mwa ha ha!”

“‘Mwa ha ha’?” Newton said. “That’s my evil laugh!”

There was some silence.

Newton smiled. “That’s my kinda girl!”

“Oh, and do you like shaving cats?” Kim asked.

“Love it!” Newton replied. “I’ve always wanted to experiment with cat hair!”

Kim and Newton smiled at each other, then Newton took a bite out of Kim’s arm. “Ow!” Kim said. “What’s up with you?”

“That’s what you did to me four episodes ago,” Newton said. “Only I did it to you because you’re the sweetest girl on the planet.”

“Oh, thank you so much,” Kim said, smiling and blushing despite the fact that SOMEONE BIT HER ARM.

Kim and Newton stared at each other for a few seconds, before Newton spoke up and said, “So... you wanna do it?”

“I’d love to!” Kim said, and she grabbed Newton and started making out in a sea of balls (wait, that didn’t come out right).

Telephone Booth Confessional

Kim: I guess I had more to do this episode than I thought I did! Hooray for me not being filler anymore!

The Killer Bacteria, back at camp, were saddened not only because they lost the challenge, but because they had to miss out on eating at McDonald’s! The girls took the loss pretty hard...

“It sucks not being able to eat at McDonald’s,” April sighed, sitting on her bed holding her head with her hands. “I would’ve loved to try their sushi.”

“McDonald’s doesn’t even SERVE sushi!” Chloe said angrily.

“Well, just because you’ve never been there before doesn’t mean-” April said before she was interrupted.

“Excuse me, but we’ve been there before,” Lilly said, still trying to beat Angela’s Alphabet Adventure on her PSP. “So have you.”

Telephone Booth Confessional

April: If only Andy was still in the game... he would’ve vouched for me. He is the best member of the Killer Bacteria I have ever met in the twenty-three years I’ve lived in Muskoka... *sigh*... my parents have met the guy before, so they would understand, too! Right?

Adele[singing]: Girl, you should know we’ve been to McDonald’s befoooooore, and I just can’t take your lying anymoooooooore!

On the boys’ side of the cabin, however, Per- er, “Mafia” rallied the other three boys together, and held an emergency meeting.

“Why is this meeting so important?” Ferguson asked. “I was right in the middle of watching a Spanish soap opera!”

Perry was confused. “A Spanish soap opera?”

“El Corazón Frágil de la Señora Superficial,” Ferguson said. “I need to see if Esperanza is still interested in Julio despite the fact that he cheated on her to be with Maribel, who is only CLAIMING to be Esperanza’s twin sister, but is actually the twin sister of Yulia, the bartender at the club Julio goes to every night, where he has drinks with Ricardo, who is currently dating Linda Rosa, who is Esperanza’s mother.”

Perry was still confused.

“We can talk about your questionable choices in TV shows later,” he said. “But right now we need to get rid of one of the girls so we can have the numbers.”

“Yeah, April, right?” Fred said. “She’s a liar, liar, pants on fire!”

“Actually, I was thinking Chloe,” Perry said.

“Chloe? Why?” Wonka asked. He was so shocked by Perry’s words that he dropped the chocolate bar he was holding.

“Well, at this point in the game, a major move needs to be made,” Perry said. “Chloe could be a threat to us later on down the road. I mean, she keeps thinking that we’re in some kind of movie, for Corleone’s sake!”

Just then, Chloe stuck her head through the door, and rolled her eyes. “Cut! That is NOT what the script for this part of the episode said! When this is over, I’m never working with you amateurs ever again.” And then she went back to her side of the cabin.

“Anyway, you guys,” Perry reminded the other three boys. “Think about what I just said.” Then he left the cabin to vote.

“So... what do you think?” Ferguson asked the other two boys.

“Yeah, the green M&M is still totally hot,” Wonka said.

“Really? You think so too?” Fred replied.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Perry: Anyway, I am voting against Chloe tonight because she is a major threat. I know I gave my spiel to the other boys, so I’m confident they’ll vote with me... plus that gamer girl wants her gone too. That should be enough votes, and nothing could possibly go wrong!

*Elimination Ceremony Time!*

“About time you came back to get rid of one of your members!” Steve said to the Killer Bacteria. “No wait, I mean, it sucks that you have to get rid of one of your own!”

“Yeah, it really does, doesn’t it?” April replied.

“Anyway, the Boat of Super Idiots wants one of you to leave, even though it’s an inanimate object and doesn’t have feelings for any of you!” Steve said, causing the Killer Bacteria to scowl. “...Or any of your opponents either, being that it’s a boat and all,” he corrected himself. “The first marshmallow goes to Fred!” Fred caught his marshmallow.

“Wonka and Ferguson are also safe!” Steve said, giving Wonka and Ferguson their marshmallows.

“Adele, you’re also safe!” Steve gave Adele a marshmallow.

“So are you, Perry!” Steve said, throwing Perry a marshmallow.

“It’s Maf- oh, forget it,” Perry said, catching his marshmallow.

“And you too, Lilly!” Steve threw a marshmallow Lilly’s way, and Lilly blew a raspberry toward Chloe, who scowled back at her. April and Chloe were the only ones left without marshmallows.

“April... Chloe... one of you will be leaving this game tonight,” Steve said.

“I hope it’s you!” April said angrily at Steve.

“Um, that guy is the host,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, I know,” April replied, crossing her arms. “What I want to know is why he is still in the game after the ten weeks we’ve been here.”

Chloe facepalmed.

“Can I finish?” Steve said, holding the final marshmallow in his hands. “The final marshmallow goes to...”














“...Chloe.”

Chloe received her marshmallow. When April found out she didn’t get one, she was sad.

“Fine then!” April scowled. “If you don’t want me to be on this cooking show anymore, then I QUIT!”

“Um, you were already voted off,” Luis said. “You can’t quit.”

“WATCH ME!” April then jumped into the water and swam toward the Boat of Super Idiots, even though the boat was already waiting for her.

Telephone Booth Confessional

Perry: I was pretty sure I had enough votes to get rid of Chloe, but what went wrong? April isn’t a threat. I have got to start watching the members of my mafia more closely... or my name isn’t Mafia! Which it is, by the way.

Fred: Katy Perry was sad after the elimination ceremony. Maybe a picture of a cat will cheer him up.

“And there you have it!” Steve said to the audience. “Another person who isn’t me has been voted off! What will happen next time on Total... Drama... Idiots?”

Luis rolled his eyes. “They don’t pay me enough for this.”

Elimination Table

# Contestant 1 2 3 4 5
Channary WIN WIN SAFE SAFE WIN
Django WIN WIN SAFE SAFE WIN
Khloe WIN WIN LOW SAFE WIN
Kim WIN WIN SAFE SAFE WIN
Kourtney WIN WIN SAFE SAFE WIN
Newton WIN WIN SAFE SAFE WIN
Shelly WIN WIN SAFE SAFE WIN
Tree WIN WIN SAFE LOW WIN
Adele SAFE SAFE WIN WIN SAFE
Chloe SAFE SAFE WIN WIN LOW
Ferguson SAFE SAFE WIN WIN SAFE
Fred SAFE SAFE WIN WIN SAFE
Lilly SAFE SAFE WIN WIN SAFE
Perry SAFE LOW WIN WIN SAFE
Wonka SAFE SAFE WIN WIN SAFE
16th April SAFE SAFE WIN WIN OUT
17th Andy WIN WIN SAFE OUT
18th Artie WIN WIN OUT
19th "Squirrel" LOW OUT
20th Porsche OUT

Reason Why It's Different From Other Collaborations

This collaboration is very different than most group collaborations. We meet once or twice a week discussing the story and what we all think should happen or how the author of the week is planning it. We discuss this in a top secret Chatango and all the choices will be made by everyone.

These choices involve who's writing, who will update pages, major storyline plots, etc.

Trivia

  • This was originally a six-person collab but then I fired Kate to non-participation. Then, SG randomly quit because he got bored of Total Drama. So, then I hired Reddy, a reader of ours.

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