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This story is rated PG-13.
There is some language or violence that may not be appropriate for people under thirteen years of age.

Trey takes advantage of his fellow wikians and gets 16 of them on an island to compete in a Total Drama/Survivor-like competition to fund Trey's college. Will someone rage at Trey for this?

Contestants

Brandon- The Egotist

Epic- The Token Black

FHGTM- The Ten Year Old Kid

Gideon- The Wise Old Guy

Kevvy- Immaturity Personified

Jay- The Hugger

JER- The Thoughtful Bystander

Mana- The Mature Tranny

Mikey- The Camp Gay

Mr. E- The Edgic Maker

QOS- The Troll

Reddy- The Incompetent Villain

S321- Brian Heidik's Biggest Fan

Space- The Powerhouse

Sprink- The Famous Author

TAU- The Enigma

Chapter One: "Thats majority rite?"

Trey stands in a helicopter, flying over a tropical island. “Welcome, to Total Drama: Wiki Island! I have with me 16 normal wikians, who are in for a big surprise. They think they’re coming to a party with me, but in actuality, they’re going to compete in a Survivor game for my amusement and college fund. Now let’s meet the poor suckers.”

A red haired boy in all red is shown. “Reddy. Fancies himself a villain. I wouldn’t call it that. Mind of a rock, body of a… small and unathletic rock. Early out if I’ve ever seen one.”

A black guy is shown. “That’s Epic. He’s black, so we casted him. I have no idea how he’ll do, we didn’t even bother to read his bio.”

A woman is shown hugging the man next to her. “Jay and Gideon. A married couple. Unfair? Probably a little. Gid’s got a brain, but he’s the oldest out here, so he’ll be interesting to watch. And Jay… real nice lady, but she’ll probably just get carried.”

A human being of no discernible gender is shown. “That’s Mana. He’s the straight.. man(?), so the rest of the people’ll probably just walk all over him.”

A very, very, very, extremely large guy is shown. “There’s Space. He’s your typical good-hearted alpha… He’ll probably just go early merge. No biggie.”

A little kid is shown. “There’s FHGTM. He’s a little kid, but he packs a punch. Not the kind of punch that makes him good at the game, he just kinda irritates people.”

A guy is shown mooning the camera. “There’s Kevvy. I think he just summarized himself.”

Three guys are seen sitting very close to each other. One has a notebook, one is deep in thought, and one keeps disappearing and reappearing. “Ah, the Three Musketeers. Sprink, the Brains, Brandon, the Looks, and TAU, the… Enigma.”

A young girl is shown thinking dirty, dirty thoughts. “That’s QOS. My pick to win, for obvious reasons.”

A guy is shown. “There’s S321, whose fly is down.” The guy panics, and looks down at his pants. “Heh, just kidding.”

A guy is shown, and he immediately duckfaces at the camera. “Mikey. He IS in fact gay. We’ll get that out of the way before speculation starts.”

Another guy is shown, examining his competitors rather closely. “That’s Mr. E. We just casted him so he could do the edgic from within the game.”

One last dude is shown, this one looking curiously at a button on his sleeve. “There’s JER. He’s a bundle of fun. Now that introductions are done, time to strand these people.”

Trey is shown buckling up. The helicopter is then shown tipping over, sending all of the contestants flying into the ocean.

The contestants are shown walking onto shore, wet and grumpy. “How RUDE,” says Epic, as the group walks up to Trey.

“Yeah, sorry about that. The pilot has bad spasms sometimes,” Trey says. “Ain’t that right, Hamburger Steve?”

Hamburger Steve, Trey’s eternal minion, nods and does an obviously fake spasm.

“Anyway, this season the teams will be selected by the two oldest people in the game.” Trey hands Gideon and Jay tribe flags, Gideon’s dark red, Jay’s light blue. “You two are captains.”

“Oh no!” says Jay, who runs to hug Gideon. “We’re on different teams. Promise you’ll go easy on me?”

“No,” says Gideon.

“Oh well,” says Jay, who lets go.

“Get picking, kids,” says Trey. “I have GTA V to play.”

“Ladies first,” says Gideon.

“Oh you’re so polite…” says Jay. “I pick… Brandon.”

Brandon walks up to Jay, looking smug as usual. He is shown in the confessional. “I mean, it’s a no-brainer that I was first picked, I’m definitely the best person in the game. I just hope Jay picks TAU and Sprink, they’re like my favorite people in the world, besides myself of course. I’m pretty great, in case you haven’t heard.”

“Space,” says Gideon, as the humongous dude walks up to him. “We can use some strength here.”

Space is shown in the confessional. “I’m glad Gideon thinks I’m strong, but I don’t want people to think I’m the alpha male. Cuz I’m not. I won’t let myself be, they never do well.”

Brandon whispers something in Jay’s ear. “Sprink!” Jay says. “Come on over!” Sprink walks over to Jay and receives a big hug from her, and a fist bump from Brandon.

“I pick Epic, another strong guy,” says Gideon.

“Huh?” Epic looks confused. “I’m not strong!”

“Yeah you are, you’re obviously very fast and can jump very high,” says Gideon, as Space nods in agreement.

“Um, alright,” says Epic apprehensively as he walks up to them.

Epic is shown in the confessional. “Was that racism? Probably. But at least now they’ll just assume that I’m a valuable asset to the team.”

“I pick TAU!” says Jay. “Wait… where’d he go?”

TAU was nowhere to be found.

“He just left the crowd of unpicked people because Brandon and I weren’t there,” says Sprink. “He’ll show up eventually. Just move on.”

“Alright… I pick… Mr. E,” says Gideon. Mr. E smiles and quietly walks up to his tribemates.

“Hm… Reddy! I like the color red!” says Jay.

Reddy wrings his hands as he walks over to the tribe. “Little do they know that as the team is being formed, I am already plotting the downfall of each and everyone one of them. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Dude, we heard that,” says Brandon. This, however, does not stop Jay from giving Reddy a hug.

“I pick Mikey, I suppose,” says Gideon.

Mikey is shown in the confessional. “I noticed a lack of… girls in general in this game, so I suppose I’m next in like to be the HBIC on the tribe.” Subtitles showed “I’m gay, and I’m on this show. Casting is not homophobic.”

“I pick Tee! He’s lots of fun!” says Jay, giggling.

“Who the hell is Tee?” asks Brandon.

“No clue,” says Sprink.

Mana walks up. “I’m guessing it’s me?”

“Of course it’s you, silly!” says Jay, who then wraps Mana in a crushing hug.

Gideon looks over his remaining choices. JER, who’s playing in the sand, FHGTM, who’s a ten-year old, Kevvy, who’s picking his nose, QOS, who’s handing out porn to everyone, and S321, who’s looking very intense. “I guess… S321.”

“About time!” yells S321. “I’m WAY more valuable than a lot of the people who were already picked.”

“I wouldn’t quite say that,” says Mikey under his breath.

“I heard that, you douchebag,” says S321.

S321 is shown in the confessional. “Mikey’s on my list, he’d better watch out! Because I’m gonna be in control of this game, and nobody can stop me!”

“I pick JER!” says Jay. JER is still playing in the sand, and doesn’t seem to notice. Jay walks up to him and hugs him.

“Oh, was I picked?” JER asks. “Sorry, I was just reenacting one of the greatest moments of my life, Hurricane Sandy.”

“Um, alright,” says Jay, still smiling.         

“I suppose I pick FHGTM,” says Gideon. “Better him than those two menaces.”

FHGTM walks up to his tribe, looking nervouse.

“Im pretty young compared to everyone else” said FHGTM in the confessional, not realizing that this story is in the present tense. “some people dont even remember who I am!!!”

Jay sizes up her two remaining choices. “I guess… Kevvy.”

“WHOOP HELL YEAH!” Kevvy runs up and hugs Jay, who for once doesn’t seem so happy with the hug.

“Damn it,” says Gideon, as he realizes that he’s stuck with QOS.

“Don’t worry, kid,” says QOS, punching Gideon in the arm jokingly. “I’ll be gentle.” She gave a shit-eating smile.

TAU suddenly reappears next to Sprink. “Oh hey guys,” he says. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you two were here,” he says to Sprink and Brandon.

“No problemo, amigo,” says Brandon, thinking he’s oh-so-clever speaking Spanish.

“It’s alright,” says Sprink.

“Okay, guys, now it’s time for tribe names,” says Trey. “Jay, you and your tribe will be the Soggy tribe! And Gideon, your team will be Bigdong!”

“Ah, parodies of the original tribe names… very clever, Trey, but not clever enough to get past me!” says S321 loudly. “I AM THE SECOND COMING OF BRIAN HEIDIK!”

“Of course you are,” says Trey, with a fake smile.  He tosses the teams maps. “Head to camp, kids.”

Day One- Soggy

Reddy is shown leading the team to the camp. “We’ve arrived! Everyone now go collect wood and make a shelter while I… DON’T look for an idol,” he says before he walks into the woods.

“Very subtle,” says Mana.

“Well, you heard the man, we’d better start our shelter!” says Jay, grabbing a machete.

Reddy, who is watching from the trees, smiles evilly. He is then shown in the confessional. “I’ve managed to establish myself as the leader of this tribe already, so if people cross me, I’ll be in trouble.”

Mana is shown in the confessional. “Reddy? Our leader? No way.”

Brandon, TAU, and Sprink are shown carrying wood. “Hey, I can use some help over here,” says JER, who is working on the team’s shelter.

“Um, yeahhhhhhhh. We decided we were gonna build our own shelter, so… no can do, compadre,” says Brandon.

JER is shown in the confessional. “Those guys are mean. Why do they get to have their own shelter? I want my own shelter.”

JER is shown knocking down the in-progress shelter and taking some of the wood.

“Dude, what the heck?” Mana asks.

“I’m making my own personal shelter,” says JER, who walks away whistling.

“Ooh, good idea,” says Jay, who takes the rest of the wood for herself.

Mana is shown in the confessional. “This tribe isn’t the smartest… or best at sharing.”

Day One- Bigdong

The tribe is shown working together to build their shelter. FHGTM is having a lot of trouble lifting a piece of wood, and he collapses with it on top of him. “SPACE!!!” he cries out. “A LITTLE HELP”

Space reluctantly walks over to him and easily takes the wood off of him. “my hero!” says FHGTM, hugging Space.

FHGTM is shown in the confessional. “Space is so strong and so nice. Hes kind of like the leader.”

Space is shown walking through the woods carrying the machete. He slips and lands on the floor, accidentally throwing the machete at a random pig. “Whoa!” says Mr. E. “Space caught a pig!”

“Wow, great job, Space!” says Epic.

“You’re awesome!” says Mikey.

Space is shown in the confessional. “I’m trying not to be seen as the leader of this tribe, but with these people… it’s kind of hard.”

The team is shown praying before their meal. “Thank you God,” says Gideon. “For making Space the leader of this tribe.”

The scene returns to Space in the confessional. “I just hope nobody targets me for being the alpha.”

S321 is shown in the confessional. “Space has GOT to go.”

Night One- Soggy

Sprink, Brandon, and TAU are shown in their shelter. “Well, I think it’s about time we went to bed,” says Sprink. “Good night TAU, good night Brandon.”

“Good night Brandon, good night Sprink,” says TAU.

“Good night me,” says Brandon, who immediately falls asleep.

Mana is shown trying to sleep on the ground. “I hate not having a shelter.”

Kevvy walks up to him/her and farts next to her/him. “What the heck, man?” says Mana, covering his/her nose.

“What? I’m not gonna do it in my shelter,” Kevvy, says, as he walks back to his oddly penis-shaped shelter.

Mana is shown in the confessional. “Oh my gob, I absolutely hate Kevvy. And Brandon. But mostly Kevvy right now. Luckily, he’s been getting on just about everyone’s nerves right now, so he can be an easy vote out.”

Kevvy is seen walking in the woods, and tripping over a hidden immunity idol. He looks at it, shrugs, and walks away. He’s shown in the confessional. “Saw a pretty weird shaped rock today.”

Night One- Bigdong

QOS is seen lurking in the night. She is then shown in the confessional. “I figured it was about time to cause some chaos, but I know that isn’t the best move for me, gamewise. I’m a troll, not an imbecile.” QOS is shown searching for the idol. “The idol, however, could be pretty useful.”

FHGTM is shown stirring in the night. “someone is looking for the idle. I dont no who it could be or what the idol is but i need to figure out who!!!!!”

Day Two- Bigdong

Gideon is seen waking up before everyone else, and tending to the fire. “I’m the oldest guy here… by a lot, so if I don’t work hard, I become expendable.”

S321 is shown in the confessional. “So, I see that Gideon was the first one up, so I decided I’d turn my charm on and start the campaign against Space.”

S321 is seen walking over to Gideon. “Oh, hey, Gideon, my main man. My homedog, my home doggy dog, my home slice doggy dog slice?” he said, desperately trying to be smooth.

“Who are you again?” Gideon asks, in a way that makes the audience unsure if he’s joking or not.

“I’m S321,” says S321, looking crestfallen. “We’ve been tribemates for like a day now.”

“You’re the gay guy?” Gideon inquires.

“No, that’s Mikey,” says S321.

“Oh, sorry son,” says Gideon.

S321 walks away sadly. “He doesn’t even know who I am…” S321 is then shown in the confessional. “I just wanted to plot against Space, man…”

Day Two- Soggy

Reddy is seen looking around the forest for an immunity idol. “I’ve now been searching for thirty-six hours, and there’s still nothing,” he says in the confessional. “I haven’t eaten or slept in that time, so I suppose I need to ask somebody else for help.”

Reddy is shown approaching Kevvy. “Hey, Kevmeister.”

“That’s a cool nickname. I like that and want everyone to call me that from now on,” says Kevvy.

“Yeah, um… look, I trust you, and you trust me, right?” Reddy asks.

“No not at all.”

“Good, well, um… I could use some help… I kind of want to find the immunity idol… Want to assist me?” Reddy asks.

“Sure, whatever,” says Kevvy.

“Excellent. When I take over the world, you will receive a gift basket,” Reddy says.

“Found it,” says Kevvy, holding up the idol.

“What? HOW?” Reddy seems amazed.

“It was right under your nose the whole time, man,” says Kevvy. “Literally.”

“Aw… I thought I had a cool mustache…” Reddy rubs his upper lip sadly.

Reddy is shown in the confessional. “Well, I successfully found the idol. Well, Kevvy found it… but it’s mine.”

Mana and Jay are seen swimming together. “So, what do you wanna talk about, Tee?”

“Strategy,” Mana says, prompting a groan from Jay. “What?”

“Voting people out seems mean. Why don’t we just not do it?” Jay asks.

“We can’t just not vote people out,” Mana says. “Eventually, you’ll have to vote for somebody. Maybe even somebody you like if it’s strategically sound.”

“Well, isn’t it a bit OOC for you to be strategizing, Mana?” Jay asks. “You never really do, even in RPs.”

“Look, it’s barely strategy. I think Reddy should go first because he’s a delusional idiot,” Mana says.

“Good point,” says Jay. “He is a bit of an egomaniacal sociopath. Alright, I’ll consider it.”

Mana is shown in the confessional. “Jay is the person here who I get along with best, and she’ll listen to me basically no matter what, so she’s basically an ideal ally.”

Day Two- Bigdong

Mikey is shown in the confessional. “So, I’ve been talking to everyone on my team, and I figure it’s about time to form a majority. My goal is to find the people who seem to have some form of common sense.”

Mikey is shown with FHGTM. “So, how would you like to align?” he asks.

“sounds good. Can QOS come.” Mikey says.

Mikey sighs. “I guess so.”

FHGTM is shown in the confessional. “so rite now I’m in a alliance of 3. Thats majority rite?”

Mikey is shown in the confessional. “You may be thinking, ‘Mikey, why’d you align with the ten year old kid?’ Well, FHGTM will be easy to control, and seems to have a good head on his shoulders.” FHGTM is shown picking his nose and eating it.

Epic is shown lying on the beach. QOS walks up to him and sings loudly in his ear. “I HAVE AN ALLIANCE! I HAVE AN ALLIANCE! AND YOU DON’T!”

Epic throws a punch at QOS, misses, and ends up just hitting S321, who is nearby, in the balls.

“I HAVE AN ALLIANCE WITH MIKEY AND FHGTM! HA HA HA!” QOS runs away, leaving Epic to watch S321 cringe in pain.

Epic is shown in the confessional. “An alliance of three, eh? I can beat that.”

Epic gathers Gideon, Space, Mr. E, and S321. “Guys, Mikey, FHGTM, and QOS have an alliance. Luckily for us, they don’t have majority, so we can take them out if we all work together.”

“Are you sure about that?” Space asks.

“What?” Epic asks.

“Are you sure they don’t have majority?” Space asks.

Epic looks confused. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“I’ll check his math,” says Mr. E.

“What, you guys don’t trust me with basic math?” Epic asks.

“Well, a person of… your heritage… usually not very good at math,” Gideon says, making Epic look pretty dang angry. “Please don’t shoot me.”

“No, he’s right, they don’t have majority!” Mr. E says.

Epic is shown in the confessional. “They’re pretty racist, but they’re all I can get.”

“So, who should we target, Space?” Gideon asks.

“What? Why are you asking me?” Space says.

“You are the leader of this alliance, aren’t you?” Gideon says, as if he’s pointing out the obvious.

“No, no I’m not. Epic is,” says Space.

Gideon laughs. “Epic is in no way intelligent enough to lead this group.” Epic looks pissed. “No offense.”

Space sighs. “I guess you’re right.”

S321, who has been silently listening, is shown in the confessional. “So Space is the leader, eh? Just another reason to take him down.”

Mr. E is then shown in the confessional. “Here’s my edgic update for my tribe. QOS and FHGTM are being pretty OTTN. Mikey is with them, but he’s CPN. Space is pretty OTTP, Epic and Gideon are MORP and MORN. And I’m UTR. My edit sucks. Oh, and there’s S321. He’s like… INV, I think. I can’t even remember which one he is.”

Day Three- Soggy

TAU is shown getting the treemail. “Guys, we have treemail!” His teammates gather around him.

“What’s the challenge?  A battle of wits? Strength? I’d win both,” says Brandon.

“It’s a guessing game,” says TAU.

“Goddamnit.”

Immunity Challenge

The two tribes enter a large clearing, where Trey stands, looking extremely handsome. “Hey! You’re supposed to wait until I say ‘Come on in, guys!’! GO BACK AND START AGAIN!”

The two tribes begrudgingly walk back out of the clearing.

“Come on in, guys!” says Trey, as the two tribes reenter. “Today’s challenge is a rather simple one… Guess my middle name.”

Everyone just stands there. “Michael?” Sprink guesses.

“Stephen?” guesses Jay.

“Robert?” guesses Space.

“I knew this challenge would suck,” says Trey, who is now sitting on a reclining chair. “I’ll just wait.”

The scene shifts to everyone in the clearing, and it’s nighttime. The screen shows “Elapsed Time: 15 hours”.

“Guadalupe?” guesses Mikey.

“Jimbo?” guesses Reddy.

“Simon?” guesses JER.

“YES!” says Trey, falling out of his chair. “My middle name… is Simon. And Soggy w”

Kevvy breaks out laughing. “SIMON? WHAT A DUMB NAME! WHAT ARE YOU, AN AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE OR SOMETHING?”

Trey frowns. “Well, Soggy wi-“

“SIMON!”

“Soggy win-“

“SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!”

“THAT’S IT, BIGDONG WINS! SCREW YOU KEVVY!” Trey throws the immunity statue at the Bigdong tribe, and walks away crying.

An offscreen producer says, “We need to do Tribal Council, like now! Get the fill-in host!”

Tribal Council

The Soggy tribe is shown at the tribal council… place. In front of them, Towelie the towel was filling in for Trey. “Welcome to Tribal Council… wanna get high?”

“NO TOWELIE WE DO NOT WANT TO GET HIGH!” JER yells, startling Mana, who is sitting next to him.

“Okay, jeez. You really should have brought a towel here,” says Towelie. “Time for the questions… Sprink, do you think you would have won the challenge had you brought a towel?”

“Um… no,” says Sprink.

Towelie looks at him funny. “Okay… Mana, who do you think you want to get rid of tonight?”

“I mean, it should obviously be Kevvy, right?” Mana says. “I mean, he single-handedly lost us the challenge.”

“F you,” says Kevvy to Mana.

“Maybe you two could use a towel,” says Towelie. “The softness of a towel can solve all conflicts.”

“I really don’t think a towel would help, Towelie,” says Mana.

“Whatever,” says Towelie. “Just vote, I guess. Jay, you’re up first.”

Jay gives Brandon, who was next to her, a hug, and goes up to vote.

One by one, everyone is shown walking up to vote.

Mana is shown holding up a vote for Kevvy. “Well, duh.”

Towelie is shown smoking some weed as Reddy walks up to vote.

Reddy is shown holding up a vote that cannot be seen. “You’ve been annoying the hell out of me from Day One. Please just go home.”

“I’ll… I’ll go tally… the votes,” says Towelie, who stumbles to the votes. “If… if… anyone… ah screw it. First vote Kevvy.”

Kevvy looks shocked for a guy that screwed his entire team over.

“Mana.”

“Screw you too, Kevvy,” says Mana.

“Tee. Who the hell is Tee?” Towelie asks.

Mana seems shocked. “Jay?”

“Sorry, Tee.”

“Another vote Mana. That’s three for Mana and one for Kevvy.”

“But why, Jay?” Mana asks, looking devastated.

“You snore pretty loudly, and you keep us all up at night,” says Jay. “We made the decision as a tribe on Night One.”

“The first person voted out of Total Drama: Wiki Island… Mana.” Towelie collapses.

#Blindside is shown on the screen. “Screw you, #Blindside,” says Mana. #Blindside turns into #Goodriddance. Mana sighs.

“So, where do I go?” Mana asks. He is hit with a blowdart, and also collapses. He is dragged out of Tribal Council by Hamburger Steve.

The rest of the tribe is seen leaving Tribal Council in slow motion.

Mana’s Final Words

“Well, I’d say I was outplayed, but I have no idea what happened. Do I really snore that loudly?”

Chapter Two: "The tongue depressor... OF JUSTICE!"

Trey is shown in a bathtub. “Last time, on Total Drama: Wiki Island, an idol was found, alliances were formed, my middle name was insulted, and Mana went home. Good, he/she was boring anyway. What will happen this week? I’ll give you a hint. SOMEBODY is voted out.”

Night Three- Soggy

The seven Soggys are seen returning to their camp. “Thank goodness Mana is gone, now we can all have one shelter!”

“Well, actually…” Sprink says. “Us three kind of want to stay separate.”

“Oh, well, that’s fine too!” says Jay, still smiling.

Reddy, JER, Jay, and Kevvy are all shown lying next to eachother in one shelter. “So, Sprink’s next, right guys?” Reddy says.

“Huh?” JER asks.

“Well, they’re obviously in an alliance, right?” Reddy says. “We need to break them up as soon as possible.”

“Um, I guess,” says JER.

“Do we really need to vote people out? Why can’t we all just get along?” Jay says.

“You had no problem when we all agreed to vote Mana out,” says Kevvy.

“Well he/she was annoying,” says Jay.

Day Four- Bigdong

FHGTM and QOS are seen making fart noises and laughing together. Mikey, who is next to them, sighs. He is shown in the confessional. “I’m starting to think that FHGTM and QOS aren’t the best allies. They seem to scare everyone else away.”

Gideon is seen walking past the fart-noise making duo, looking very disapproving. Gideon is shown in the confessional. “I do not approve them.”

It returns to Mikey in the confessional. “I kind of feel like I’d better jump on with the majority before those two pull me down.”

Mikey walks up to FHGTM and QOS, and says “Yeah this isn’t working.”

“yer breakin up with ME?” FHGTM says, looking like he’s about to cry.

“Well, both of you,” says Mikey. “Seeya.” He walks away.

QOS is shown in the confessional. “Revenge will be had.”

S321 is shown walking up to QOS and FHGTM. “Hey, you two, where’s Mikey? I’d like to talk to him about joining your alliance.”

“Oh, yeah, he quit our alliance,” says QOS.

“Oh, well, sor-“

“BUT YOU CAN STILL JOIN” says FHGTM.

“Oh, well, I really want to, but-“

“GREAT! THATS MAJORITY!” FHGTM cheers.

S321 is shown in the confessional. “Oh God no.”

Day Four- Soggy

Brandon, TAU, and Sprink are seen sitting in their shelter. Sprink is writing on a notepad, TAU is… counting sand or something, and Brandon is just sitting there pouting. We watch this for about six seconds, until Brandon stands up. “I AM SO BORED!”

Sprink looks up from his notepad. “What do you want to do, then?”

“Wanna go on an adventure, guys?” Brandon asks. “I’ll carry the team, trust me.”

“Alright, I’m in.” TAU leaves the stand and follows Brandon into the jungle.

“But, an adventure? Where are we gonna go? And what are we gonna do? Shouldn’t we bring food? AWWW HERE IT GOES!” Sprink says before he follows them into the jungle.

The three are seen walking. Brandon leading the way, looking heroic, TAU behind him, everyone once in a while flickering in and out of existence, and Sprink in the back, looking terrified.

“No need to worry, they wouldn’t put us too close to any dangerous wild animals,” says TAU, noticing Sprink.

“I’m not worried about animals, I’m worried about… the occult,” says Sprink, stopping.

Brandon stops and looks at Sprink. “Dude, the occult couldn’t hurt you out here if they wanted to. Not with me around. No one will mess with me.” Just then, a dart hits Brandon in the neck. “My Achilles’ heal… my body.” He collapses.

“THE OCCULT HAS FOUND US! RUN TAU!” Sprink runs straight into a tree, while TAU teleports away.

Bigdong- Night Four

Gideon is seen carving a life sized wooden statue of Space (whose genitals are only covered by a leaf), when Mikey walks up to him. “Oh…” Mikey looks at the statue. “Am I… interrupting something?”

Gideon looks petrified. “Um… no. Just a gift to our leader, y’know.”

“Yeah… Anyway, um, I just want to join your alliance. I mean, it seems like you’re forming it with the strongest people on the team… and Mr. E. So I think our tribe is best off with numbers invested in it.” Mikey says.

“Um, well… Space is the leader… You should ask him,” says Gideon. “Now… go away. I need to finish this. For Space.”

Mikey is shown in the confessional. “I’d tap that statue.”

Mikey is shown walking up to Space, who’s talking with Epic. “Can I join your alliance, Space?”

“Well, it’s not really mine, Gideon’s the leader,” says Space, looking uncomfortable.

“What? Don’t be so humble,” says Epic, patting Space on the back. “We all respect and obey you. You have complete control of our votes, dude.”

Space sighs. “Yeah I guess you can join.”

Space is shown in the confessional. “I mean, at this point, no one’s targeted me for being leader yet. At least not as far as I know.”

S321 is seen pacing back and forth in front of QOS and FHGTM. “Space is our one and only target. The goal is not to win, but to eliminate Space or die trying. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”

“yessir!’ says FHGTM.

“Whatever,” says a disinterested looking QOS.

Soggy- Night Four

Sprink is seen waking up tied to a tree. “AH! I’M IN SOME SORT OF OCCULT FORTRESS! BRANDON! SAVE ME! DEAR QUIMBERLY SOMEBODY HELP ME!”

A small native person walks up to Sprink, and slaps him in the face, yelling at him in some weird language.

“Hey, little bro #23, leave Sprink alone,” says Brandon from offscreen. He is revealed to be sitting on a large throne surrounded by a bunch of other natives. “Sup, dude?”

“Brandon? This isn’t the occult? Thank Quimberly,” says Sprink. “Why am I still tied up?”

“Oh, kinda forgot. They were just admiring my godlike features,” says Brandon, smiling at a female native who giggles. “Oh yeah, these guys kinda think I’m a god.”

“Wait, where’s TAU?” Sprink. “Did he teleport away?”

“Nah, dude, he came back, he’s in the hottub.” TAU is shown in a hottub with a couple of other natives.              

“Oh, well, can you untie me?” Sprink asks.

“Little bro #67, get on that!” says Brandon to a native who was at the moment massaging his feet. The native shook his head. “What’s the problem?” The native says some stuff in his language. “Oh.”

“You understand them?” Sprink asks.

“I’m me, aren’t I?” says Brandon. “Yeah, I do. And they say that while they think I’m a god, you resemble their version of the devil. So you’re staying tied up.”

“What?” Sprink looks at a large statue of him with devil’s horns right next to him. “I LOOK NOTHING LIKE THAT! THE CHEEKBONES ARE ALL WRONG!”

Bigdong- Day Five

S321 is shown in the confessional. “Time to put Operation: Bring Down Space into action… When I’m done with him, everyone’ll be begging to vote him out.” S321 then laughs evilly.

S321 is shown standing next to a very suspicious looking piano, as Space walks by. “Hey, Space? I hear you’re pretty good at the piano. Wanna play me a tune?”

“Whatever,” says Space.

Epic walks past the two as Space sits down. “GIDEON! MIKEY! MR. E! SPACE IS ABOUT TO PLAY THE PIANO!” The three appear to watch at near TAU-like speeds.

Space plays a nice, if off-key rendition of “Mary Had A Little Lamb”. When he finishes, the four spectators give an extremely enthusiastic applause.

“Bravo!” says Gideon.

“Who knew he was such a virtuoso?” says Mikey.

“I don’t know what that means but I agree that Space is great!” says Epic.

“What the heck?” says S321, looking at the piano after Space stands up and leaves. “It was supposed to explode when he played it…” S321 cautiously presses a key, and the piano explodes, sending him flying.  He lands in a pile of seagull droppings, which FHGTM and QOS had been collecting.

Soggy- Day Five

Kevvy, Reddy, JER, and Jay are seen sitting around their fire. “You know who I haven’t seen?” Kevvy says. “Brandon, Sprink, or TAU.”

“See? They’re strategizing. They’re probably looking for the idol,” Reddy smirks. “Too bad they don’t know that Kevvy and I have it.”

“Huh?” JER, who had been trying to touch his nose with his tongue for about an hour, says.

“Hm. I just realized,” says Jay. “I haven’t had a DROP of water since we got here.”

“Really?” Reddy asks. He then realizes that Jay just passed out due to dehydration in front of him. “Oh.”

“MEDIC!” Kevvy yells.

The TF2 Medic runs in. He looks at the passed out Jay, but then sees a Heavy with full health and decides to heal him instead.

“GODDAMNIT! YOU DON’T NEED TO POCKET THE HEAVY THE WHOLE TIME!” yells Kevvy as the Medic and Heavy run off to capture a control point.

JER sees the chance to be a hero, and he runs into a nearby phone booth. He emerges in a full doctor’s costume. “NO NEED TO FEAR! THE DOCTOR IS HERE!”              

Doctor Ramona walks in. “Actually this is my-“

“GO AWAY!” yells JER, scaring away Ramona. He looks at Jay. “What she needs, is… water. And to read Total Drama America. Call this number now for exclusive content and a free 1997 penny.”

The digits 1-800-999-9992 flash on the screen.

“Quit advertising and fix her! She was just about to teach me how to tie my shoes,” says Reddy. “I mean… she was about to tell me the nuclear launch codes.”

“Well, we all know they only place to get water is… the well,” says JER.

“Sounds easy enough,” says Kevvy. “Let’s-“

“ON THE TOP FLOOR OF THE PALACE OF PAIN!” says JER.

“The Palace of Pain?” Kevvy asks.

“Over there,” says JER, pointing to a large castle about fifteen yards from their shelter.

“Oh, that,” says Kevvy.

“However, we need to go up the Three Floors of Fear,” says JER. “But with The Doctor on our side, we can achieve anything!” He looks at Reddy and Kevvy. “But The Doctor needs his nurses. Go put on your superhero costumes!”

“OH BOY!” says Reddy, who runs into the phone booth, and reemerges as Redman.

“We were supposed to bring one of those?” Kevvy asks, looking confused.

“Duh,” says Redman. “Well… you can be… Kevvy Boy, I guess.”

“k” says Kevvy.

“Well, let’s go!” says The Doctor, as our three heroes head into the Palace of Pain.

Bigdong- Day Five

QOS and FHGTM are seen lying on the beach. FHGTM smiles. “u no qos, over the last cupple of days Ive come to really like u. and I want to be more then friends.” he says.

“Ew,” says QOS who walks away.

FHGTM is shown in the confessional, hitting his head against the wall. “STUPID STUPID STUPID!”

Soggy- Day Five

Redman, The Doctor, and Kevvy Boy all run into the Palace of Pain. In front of them is a giant oven. “WELCOME TO THE FIRST FLOOR,” it says in a robotic voice. “I AM OVEN-Y. PREPARE TO BE COOKED FOR THIRTY MINUTES AT TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY DEGREES!”

“I got this,” says Redman. He walks straight up to Oven-y. “I summon the power of the color red!” Reddy touches his temples and concentrates real hard, but nothing happens. Oven-y shoots fire out of its mouth, and burns Redman to a crisp.

Redman collapses. “Man down!” yells The Doctor. “Time to use… THE MEDICINE BAG!” JER pulls out a bag with a red cross thingy on it. “I know just the tool… my tongue depressor… OF JUSTICE!” JER looks through his bag. “It’s somewhere in here… I assume…”

Meanwhile, Kevvy Boy unplugs Oven-y, who turns off. “Got him,” says Kevvy Boy.

“Well done!” says The Doctor. “Now to see if I can help Redman!” The Doctor puts a band-aid on Redman (who has burns all over his body)’s forehead. “I can’t do anything else for him. Let’s move on, Kevvy Boy!” Our remaining two heroes go up to the second floor, not knowing what to expect.

Bigdong- Day Five

Mikey is seen walking towards Epic, Mr. E, Space, and Gideon, carrying a coconut and looking pissed. “OKAY! WHO F***ED THIS COCONUT?”

“What the heck are you talking about?” Space asks.

“THERE’S A HOLE IN THIS COCONUT! DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU USED THAT FOR, YOU DAMNED SEXUAL DEVIANT! WHO DID IT?” Mikey is like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.

“I used it to get the coconut juice out of the coconut,” says Gideon. “That’s how we’ve always done it.”

Mikey looks at the coconut again. “Oh yeah.”

Soggy- Day Five

The Doctor and Kevvy Boy arrive on the second floor, where they meet a giant nose.

“I AM NOSE! OBEY ME!” the nose says, with Morgan Freeman’s voice.

“I have just the thing for this villain!” says The Doctor, reaching into his bag. “My syringe of glo-“

The nose grabs him with a long nosehair and puts him in its nostril. The Doctor is heard screaming for help.

Kevvy Boy is terrified, so terrified in fact, that he farts. The nose smells this fart, and collapses. The Doctor falls out of the nostril, covered in snot. “You need… to go on without me…” The Doctor faints.

“k” says Kevvy Boy, who continues.

Bigdong- Day Five

“God, it’s so boring here,” says Epic to S321.

“Eh, the other tribe’s probably just as bored,” says S321.

Soggy- Day Five

Kevvy Boy finds himself face to face with Cthulhu, the lord of evil. “Hey,” he says, terrified.

“ALL WILL FALL! ALL WILL BOW DOWN TO CTHULU!” says Cthulhu, who runs at Kevvy Boy.

Kevvy Boy wimpily runs away flailing his arms, and the two run around the room in circles for a while.

Bigdong- Day Five

S321 is shown picking his nose. He notices the camera. “HEY! DON’T SHOW THAT!” he tackles the cameraman and the tape cuts off.

Soggy- Day Five

Kevvy Boy is still being chased in circles by Cthulhu.

Bigdong- Day Five

Two squirrels are shown mating. “Hey, Jim, come over here! These squirrels are boning!” says a cameraman.

“Remember when we used to bone like that?” says Jim. “With our respective girlfriends?” he adds after a long pause.

Soggy- Night Five

Kevvy and Cthulhu continue their epic chase.

Bigdong- Night Five

“Wow, those squirrels have been at it for six hours!”

“Yeah, just like we used to do. With our girlfriends.”

Soggy- Night Five

The chase goes on.

Bigdong- Night Five         

“Is it weird that this turns me on, Jim?”

Soggy- Day Six

Still just running in circles.

Bigdong- Day Six

“I miss the old us, Jim!”

“I do, too!”

“Let’s make love, like the squirrels do!”

Soggy- Day Six

Cthulhu finally stops chasing. He stands there, just panting for a few seconds. “I GIVE UP! I’ll just doom your soul to oblivion later…” Cthulhu walks down the stairs.

Kevvy collapses of exhaustion after Cthulhu is gone. He manages to crawl and drag himself up to the well, where he gets a bucket of water for Jay. He slowly, but surely crawls down the flights of stairs, and finally exits the Palace. He crawls to camp, where he sees Jay, Reddy, and JER looking healthy and hydrated.

“Hey, Kevvy!” says Jay.

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?” Kevvy asks, throwing down the bucket of water.

“Well, after you three left, Ramona helped me out,” says Jay.

“She treated JER and I’s wounds, too,” says Reddy, now third degree burn free.

“Just goes to show, leave the doctoring to the professionals,” says JER.

Kevvy goes to attempt to commit suicide.

Bigdong- Day Six

Epic walks into camp, looking disturbed.

“What happened, yo?” says Gideon.

“You don’t have to talk like that to me, Gideon,” says Epic. “I was just… getting treemail, and I saw these two camera guys having sex.”

“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom,” says Mikey, who walks towards the direction of the treemail.

“Anyway, we have a challenge,” says Epic.

Soggy- Day Six

“You done with that suicide nonsense, Kevvy?” Jay asks Kevvy, who has tried to shoot himself and missed six times.

“I guess,” says Kevvy, who just sits down on a stump.

“Did you know that males are more likely to commit suicide than females?” JER says.

“No, JER. Thanks,” says Jay politely.

Reddy comes back with treemail. “We have a challenge! And this time, Brandon, TAU, and Sprink won’t be slowing us down!”

Immunity Challenge

The two teams (sans Brandon, TAU, and Sprink) enter the challenge area, which today is decorated with a Candyland sort of theme.

“Ooh, a candy themed challenge?” Jay asks. “I’m so excited!”

“Actually, I kinda had trouble thinking of a good challenge to go with these decorations...” says Trey, looking embarrassed.

“Second week in a row you’ve blown it,” says S321.

“Quiet, Heidik!” yells Trey. “So, we’re just gonna have a contest to see who can jump the highest. Each team send one person in. Bigdong, you’re up first.”

Bigdong immediately all push Epic to the front. “Um… I’ll try my best I guess.”

“Epic, do you think your tribe is being racist in picking you for this challenge?” Trey asks.

“Yeah,” Epic responds.

“Does that bother you at all?” Trey asks.

“Nah, I’m used to it.” Epic looks around. “So where do I jump?”

“Next to that candycane over there,” says Trey. “The stripes are all a foot long, we’ll measure like that.”

“Alright, then,” says Epic, who walks over to the candycane. He then jumps, reaching average height.

“WOW!” says FHGTM.

“He must have jumped like, eight feet,” says Gideon.

“Can you dunk?” QOS asks.

“That was two feet,” says Trey, who is un-racist. “Who’s going for Soggy? Tough act to follow.”

“I AM!”

Brandon is shown, being carried on his throne by fourteen natives, followed by TAU, being carried in the hottub by sixteen natives, followed by Sprink, carried still tied to the treetrunk by twenty natives.

Brandon jumps down from his throne, and gives his natives an order. They let TAU down nicely, and they just drop Sprink.

“Brandon, with an opportunity to be a hero. You need two feet.”

“EASY!” says Brandon, who heads to the candy cane and jumps.

“Six inches,” says Trey.

“WHAT?” Brandon says.

“You just jumped up six inches. Bigdong wins,” Trey says.

“RIGGED!” yells Reddy.          

“Bigdong, your reward is… a rollercoaster!” Trey pulls down a curtain, revealing a rollercoaster. The members of Bigdong cheer.

“Soggy, I’ve got nothing for ya, head back to camp,” says Trey, as Soggy walks back to camp sadly.

The members of Bigdong look at their rollercoaster. “Are we supposed to carry this back to camp?”

Soggy- Day Six

JER, Reddy, Kevvy, and Jay are shown in their shelter. “So, we’re voting Sprink out tonight, right guys?” says Reddy.

“I guess,” says JER. “It would be just like that time in Total Drama America- Oh, sorry, don’t want to spoil my most dedicated reader,” he says, smiling at Jay, who smiles awkwardly.

“Yeah, I’m in, Reddy,” says Jay. “It stinks that we need to vote anybody out at all, but whatever.”

“I guess I’m in too, then,” says Kevvy.

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “I am so NOT in. Those guys let me get chased by Cthulhu for like eighteen hours! I’m not voting with them! I’m going straight to Sprink, Brandon, and TAU, and getting them to vote with me against that dick Reddy.”

The scene goes back to Reddy, Jay, JER, and Kevvy in the shelter. “I bet they’re plotting our downfalls right now, those bastards…”

Brandon is shown doing card tricks for the natives.

Bigdong- Day Six

The members of Bigdong are shown desperately trying to push their new rollercoaster back to camp.

Soggy- Day Six

Kevvy is seen sneaking through the woods. He sees Sprink tied to his tree, and walks over to him. “Hey, Sprink, we need to talk.”

“Oh, okay. Maybe you can untie me?”

“Later, dude,” says Kevvy. “Reddy’s targeting you. Just saying. And I also want to say that I’m writing his name down tonight.”

“I hear you loud and clear,” says Sprink, winking at Kevvy.

Bigdong- Day Six

The struggle to push the rollercoaster continues.

Gideon is heard saying “I would have preferred a merry-go-round. I find it relaxing.”

Tribal Council

The seven members of Soggy are seen entering the Tribal Council area. Once again, Towelie is there instead of Trey.

“Hey, guys,” he says. “I hope you all remembered your towels.”

A murmur of confirmation is heard from all of the Soggys, except JER, who looks panicked.

“I’m supposed to ask you questions,” says Towelie. “But tonight, I’m gonna let YOU do the questioning.”

The Soggys sit there silently. “Um, what’s your favorite color?” Jay asks.

“Shut up, I’m trying to get high,” says Towelie, now smoking weed. “Just go vote.”

The contestants are shown going up one-by-one to vote.

Reddy is shown writing down ‘Sprink’. “I’m the only mastermind here, motherf*****.”

Kevvy is shown writing down ‘Reddy’. “I hate you. So much.”                  

The final voted, TAU, is seen sitting down. “I’ll tally the vurts.” Towelie goes to tally the supposed ‘vurts’.

“I think he meant votes,” whispers JER to Kevvy.         

Towelie returns with the votes. “If anyone has a hidden impunity idol and would like to play it now would be yes.”

Reddy smiles evilly, but does nothing.

“I’ll read the votes, once the votes are read the votes are read, and you get the f*** out.” Towelie pulls out the first vote. “Sprink.”

Sprink nods.

“Reddy.”

Kevvy smiles.

“Sprink.”

Reddy smiles.

“Reddy.”

JER farts. “Sorry.”

“JER.”                       

Kevvy looks confused.

“Kevvy.”

“Wait a minute…”

“Final vote… second person out…

Sprink. The tribe hates you bye.” Towelie attempts to snuff Sprink’s torch, but collapses.

“You didn’t tell Brandon and TAU to vote for Reddy?” Kevvy says incredulously.

“Was I supposed to do that?” Sprink says.

“Seems a little unfair, organizing the votes against one person like that,” says Brandon.

“That’s what we were doing,” says JER.

“Oh,” says Sprink. “Sorry about that Kev.”

The tribe is shown exiting in slow motion, and the credits roll.

Sprink’s Final Words

“I want you producers to delete all of the evidence of me being on this show and any footage with me in it, thanks bye.”

Chapter Three: "Patience"

Trey is shown delivering a baby. He turns from the woman having the baby and looks at the camera. “Last time on Total Drama: Wiki Island, there was a super hero part, Cthulhu showed up, and… I think Brandon went home? I don’t know. I don’t watch this crap show.” Trey returns to delivering the baby.

Bigdong- Day Seven

Mr. E is shown waking up before everyone else. He kicks sand into a sleeping Gideon’s face.

“AH!” Gideon says, spitting out sand. “What was that for?”

“Shut up, oldie!” says Mr. E.

Gideon is shown in the confessional. “That was awfully rude.”

Epic and Mikey are seen sitting around talking. “Yeah, so did you hear? Jimmy Carter isn’t real,” Mikey says.

“Wait, what? Jimmy Carter? The president?” Epic asks.

“Yeah, he was fake. Just computer animation,” Mikey says.

“How’d nobody figure that out?” Epic says, before Mr. E comes and spits on his face. “Dude! Ew.” Epic wipes off his face.

Space is shown in the confessional. “I don’t know what’s up, but Mr. E is being a real dick all of the sudden…”

Mr. E is shown burning down the tribe’s shelter.

“Hey, man!” S321 says. “That’s not very nice of you!” Mr. E blows a raspberry at S321 and walks away.

“Hm… pretty sure Mikey was still in the shelter,” says QOS, watching the fire burn.

“He’ll find his way out,” says Gideon. “I assume…”

Mikey is shown in the confessional, nursing full-body burns. “I DIDN’T!”

Soggy- Day Seven

Kevvy is seen looking pretty upset. He is shown in the confessional. “Well, it looks like my plot to get rid of Reddy failed, and now he actually has an alliance and is gunning for me. This really sucks.”

Reddy approaches Kevvy. “Good job back there, bud. Next time, we’ll teach JER a lesson.”

“JER? What’d he do?” Kevvy asks, confused.

“Well, he betrayed us. Silly Kevvy,” says Reddy, who begins to walk away. “Stay vigilant!”

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “Well, I guess I still have a chance if I pull JER to my side with that information. But I’ll also need to work with… TAU and Brandon, and turns out they don’t understand what alliances are, so… It’ll be tough.”

TAU and Brandon are seen sitting together. “So… Sprink’s gone…” Brandon says.

“Now what?” TAU says.

Bigdong- Day Seven

FHGTM is seen rubbing his bottom and walking up to QOS. “MrE is such a jerk!!! He pinched my booty.”

QOS looks at FHGTM. “I thought I was the only pedophile here.”

“whats that?”

“Well, a pedophile is a person who-“ QOS is scooped up by a dragon, and it flies away. The camera shows that Mr. E is riding the dragon, and laughing maniacally as he takes QOS away. “YOU’LL NEVER STOP ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“NOOOO QOS” says FHGTM. “i need to save her!”

Soggy- Day Seven

JER is seen writing a letter to Santa, talking to himself. “Dear Santa… or should I say ‘Dear White Santa’… I heard someone say that Santa was white… hmm… Dear Santa, do the elves working at your workshop get paid? Or are they slaves? I personally believe that slavery is wrong, and honestly if you use that for your labor, I’m gonna lose a lot of respect for you. Love, Julian.”

Kevvy walks up to him. “Hey, JER. Reddy thinks you betrayed him and wants you out next. Wanna work together to get him out?” Kevvy farts. “Damn it! I always fart when I’m trying to be serious…”

JER sits there silently for a minute. “Okay. Reddy’s mean anyway.”

“Reddy? Mean? I mean, he’s dumb, but he isn’t really a jerk…” Kevvy says.

“Well, he was mean to me yesterday…”

A flashback is shown. JER and Reddy are shown talking. “And that’s why New York is a terrible song,” JER says.

“I liked that song,” says Reddy.                                                               

JER’s eyebrows lower and he gives Reddy a look of pure hatred.

We return to the present.

“HE WILL BURN!” JER yells, throwing down his letter to Santa. “HIM AND ALL HIS DIRTY NEW YORK FRIENDS, LIKE JAY-Z AND SPIKE LEE AND REX RYAN AND BILL DE BLASIO AND BILL DE BLASIO’S COOL INTERRACIAL FAMILY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!”

Kevvy looks scared. “All right…”

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “Are you SURE he passed the psych analysis?”

Bigdong- Day Seven

The lowly Halfling FHGTM walks into the Prancing Pony. The bartender, Mikey, smiles at him. “What’ll it be, kid?”

“Just milk pls!” says FHGTM.

“It’s amazing that Space built an entire Middle-Earth style tavern, isn’t it?” says Gideon the Grey Wizard, who is sitting next to FHGTM. “Space is great.”

“oh gidein! Just the man I was looking 3!” says FHGTM. “I need someone to help me on a kwest to save a fare maden from the evil dragin!! Will you help?”

“Normally, I detest you and your immature, childish ways, FHGTM, but if there’s a fair maiden at stake, I will be happy to lend my services,” says Gideon the Grey, bowing. “We may need some more people to help, however.”

“You need help? Good luck!” says S321, who is sitting along in the corner, drinking mead. “No one’s ever slain a dragon since the third age! You’ve got no shot!”

“What about Space?” Epic the Black, who is sitting a few seats away on the bar, says.

Space the Knight walks in, causing Mikey to swoon. “I can help. That fair maiden is in trouble.”

“yey! LETS GO” says FHGTM, running out of the tavern, with Gideon the Grey and Space on his tail.

“Wait, who’s the maiden?” Space asks.

“QOS.”

Space and Gideon turn and leave.

“Aw man!!!!”

Soggy- Night Seven

Kevvy is shown approaching Brandon. “Hey, Brandon my man…” Kevvy farts. “DAMN IT! Well, um… so, wanna join my alliance? You and TAU?”

“Um, I guess,” says Brandon. “But first define alliance.”

“noun

1.  the act of allying or state of being allied.

2.  a formal agreement or treaty between two or more nations to cooperate for specific purposes.

3. a merging of efforts or interests by persons, families, states, or organizations: an alliance betweenchurch and state.

4.   the persons or entities so allied.

5.   marriage or the relationship created by marriage between the families of the spouses,” says Kevvy.

“So, like, we all vote for the same person?” Brandon asks. “Seems kind of unfair.”          

“Well, everyone’s doing it,” says Kevvy.

“Hey! Just cuz everyone’s doing it doesn’t mean you have to too, bro. If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do it?” Brandon says.

“Yes,” says Kevvy.

“Really?” Brandon asks. “Wow, that is a new level of stupidity… um, well, I guess we can vote together, since this is just a game.”

“So you can bring TAU in, too, right?” Kevvy says hopefully.

“TAU? That douche? No way,” says Brandon, crossing his arms.

“I thought you guys were friends?”

“Well, we realized without Sprink around, we actually hate each other’s guts. I mean, he’s always teleporting, thinking he’s better than me,” Brandon spits on the ground.

“But you think you’re better than everyone!” Kevvy protests.

“I am! NOW BEGONE!” says Brandon.

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “I need both Brandon and TAU if I want majority… I guess I need to patch up their friendship…”

Bigdong- Night Seven

FHGTM is shown trudging through the jungle. “Be vewwy qwiet, im huntin dwagons.”

“Ha, I get it! Elmer Fudd! Ha ha!” says a cameraman.

“whos that???” says FHGTM.

“Elmer Fudd? You know from Looney Tunes?”

“that cartoon my grandpa watcheds?”

“Yeah, I guess… Thought you were making a reference, sorry…”

“That’s just how i spell stuff meenie”

“Oh, I think I see the dragon.”

“WHERE??!!?” FHGTM asks as the dragon picks him up. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Soggy- Day Eight

Jay is shown washing the tribe’s laundry. She looks in the pockets of Reddy’s pants, and finds the hidden immunity idol. “What’s this?” she says to herself. “Maybe I can make it into a necklace!” She walks away humming.

Bigdong- Day Eight

FHGTM is shown in a giant dragon’s nest. Mr. E is standing over him. “I see you’re trying to save your precious little QOS. I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

“Why are you doing this Mr. E! you seemed so nice and jewish!” says FHGTM.

“Because, my lad… I am OTTNN,” Mr. E pushes FHGTM out of the nest, and he falls fifty feet onto a mattress.

“Hey, who left that mattress there!?” Mr. E asks.

“We did,” says a cameraman. “We can’t let anyone die out here. You’re kinda pushing it, dude.”

“Oh, well… is it at least not a Tempurpedic?” Mr. E asks.

“Um… nope, not Tempurpedic,” says the cameraman.

“Excellent,” says Mr. E OTTNN-ly. He then laughs maniacally for a few seconds.

“Where the hell do they find these people?” another cameraman asks.

The scene shifts back to the Prancing Pony.

“Haven’t seen FHGTM in a while…” says Mikey. “Think something happened to him?”

“Ah, screw him! We’re all doomed anyway! Doomed I tell you! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” says S321, obviously pretty drunk on mead.

“What if he’s hurt, though?” Space asks. “I’d feel pretty bad… he asked us for help…”

“Well, he wanted to go save QOS. She’s nothing but trouble,” says Gideon the Grey.

“Still, we need to save HIM at least,” says Space. “Who’s with me?”

“You have my sword,” says Epic the Black.

“And my bow,” says Mikey, who we just now noticed is an elf.

“AND MY AXE!” says Gimli.

“I guess I’ll come too,” says Gideon the Grey Wizard.

Everyone looks at S321 for a minute. “Who, me? No f***ing way, dude!” He collapses into his bowl of oatmeal.

Soggy- Day Eight

Kevvy is shown walking up to TAU. “Hey, TAU… can I call you T for short?”

“No. T is my mother’s name,” says TAU, who is brushing his teeth with a live lobster.

“Oh… pretty name, T…” Kevvy farts. “DAMN IT!” Kevvy runs away, embarrassed, and throws a letter on the ground next to TAU.

TAU picks it up. “You are formally invited to a tea party by… SPRINK?” TAU leaps with joy. “IN FIVE MINUTES?” TAU drops his lobster and runs into the jungle.

Brandon is shown sitting at a fancy tea party alone when TAU runs in. “HEY! What are you doing here, douche?” Brandon asks.

“Brandon, you’re the definition of a douche,” says TAU.

“SHUT UP! AT LEAST I… HAVE A REAL NAME!”

The camera switches to JER and Kevvy hiding behind a nearby bush. “You owe me,” says JER, who is wearing all but the head in a Sprink costume. He puts the head on, and goes to the tea party.

“SPRINK!” TAU and Brandon yell together, immediately stopping fighting.

“Ho ho ho! Have you two been good boys this year?” JER says in a Santa impression.

Kevvy runs up to JER and whispers something in his ear, then runs back to the bush.

“I mean,” says JER. “Golly, do I hate the occult. Isn’t Doyce great?”

“OH MY GOD HE TOTALLY IS!” yells Brandon.

“WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?” TAU yells, collapsing and crying.

“Um… yeah, this is too weird. I’m out,” says JER, taking off his costume and running away.

“Goddangit, JER,” says Kevvy as JER runs past him.

“Wait… Sprink was JER this WHOLE TIME?” TAU says.

“I… I didn’t realize… I thought we were friends!” Brandon looks very offended.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” TAU asks.

“Yep. We need to kill JER,” Brandon starts laughing evilly. The two run into the jungle together, laughing.

“oh my werd” says Kevvy.

Bigdong- Night Eight

The fellowship is seen running across the island. Space who is leading the pack, stops.

“r we resting now??” an exhausted FHGTM asks.

“No. I think I found their trail,” says Space. He gets down on the ground and starts furiously licking it.

“Um… what’s that doing, exactly?” Epic the Black asks.

“Shh! Space knows what he’s doing. Space knows everything,” says Mikey.

“How in the Hell did I even get here?” says Gimli, though nobody notices.

“I taste… Nothing, just dirt,” says Space, standing up.

“Oh. Good try though,” says Mikey.

A large rumble is heard in the jungle. “What was that?” Gideon the Grey asks.

A large, orange monster comes out of the jungle, screaming incoherently.

“HOLY CRAP ITS A SNOOKI!” yells Mikey. “COME ON! WE CAN’T FIGHT IT!”

The group runs away from the Snooki, until they come to a bridge. “Hold up!” says a troll. “You’s gotta answer my riddle.”

“Ugh… fine,” says Space. “What is it?”

“What has four wheels and flies?” the troll asks.

“Oh God… how should I know?” Space says. “Anyone have any ideas?”

“I DO!” Gimli yells, as he takes his axe and beheads the troll. “COME ON!”

“Holy crap,” says Epic the Black as he crosses. “Gimli just killed a dude.”

Gideon the Grey is the last one to cross the bridge, and he stops at the end of it as the Snooki approaches it. “Please do not cross the bridge.”

The Snooki ignores him.

“Don’t cross the bridge or I will cut it and you will fall to your death.”

The Snooki ignores him.

“Okay I warned you.” Gideon cuts the ropes of the bridge and it falls, bringing the Snooki down with it. But the Snooki grabs Gideon with one of its many tentacles and brings him down with him.

“GIDEONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!” yells FHGTM as due to an odd alignment of the planets, time slows down. The rest of the fellowship runs away, slowly, with Space having to carry FHGTM, due to his uselessness.

Soggy- Night Eight

JER is seen sleeping. “Zzzzzzz… Total Drama America… Zzzzzzz… Creed… Zzzzzzz… Hurricane Sandy… Zzzzzzz… Daphne…”

TAU grabs him and stuffs him in a sack. “AH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M SORRY FOR DISLIKING THAT VIDEO, JAY-Z! I JUST HATE THAT SONG!”  yells JER as he is carried away.

JER wakes up tied upside down to a tree. “What is this? Who hired you? Was it Steve? I always hated that guy!”

Brandon walks out of the shadows. “Hello, JER. Or should I say… Sprink?”

“What are you even talking about?” JER asks.

“You know what I’m talking about… you’ve been lying to us this whole time, Sprink. YOU’RE HISPANIC! YOU HATE NEW YORK! YOU’RE NOT EVEN REALLY AFRAID OF THE OCCULT!” Brandon takes out a machete. “And now it’s time to kill you…”

“WAIT! Do you want exclusive content from my story, Total Drama America?” JER asks.

Brandon stops. “A story… by Sprink. Okay. Give me it.”

“I always carry a copy, just in case,” says JER, handing Brandon a piece of paper.

Brandon starts reading.             

Bigdong- Night Nine

The fellowship arrives at the big tree where Mr. E’s dragon nest is located. “Well, we made it. And we only lost one person,” says Space.

“No, I’m back,” says Gideon. “And I’m white now. So I’m even better.”

“That’s kinda racist,” says Epic. “Why is white better?”

Everyone laughs except Epic and Space. “Oh look at me, I’m Epic! I’m a minority!” says Gimli, in a pretty accurate Epic impression.

“I’m Epic and I think that just cuz there’s a black president that black people are just as good as white people!” says Mikey, drawing even more laughter.

“im epic and I have dark skin and am good at basketball!” says FHGTM.

“This is actually pretty racist,” says Space through the laughter.

“That’s it, screw you guys,” says Epic, throwing down his sword and walking back.

“Okay, I guess we DID lose someone,” says Space. “Anyway, let’s get climbing.”

Soggy- Day Nine

JER is seen hanging upside down. Brandon has fallen asleep reading the Total Drama America exclusive content.  Towelie is seen walking past him. “Psst! Towelie! Get me down!”

Towelie looks at JER. “Look, kid, I’m not gonna ask. But if you had just brought a towel, you wouldn’t be in this position.”

“Yeah, yeah,” says JER, as Towelie helps him down. “Wait, why aren’t you high?”

“You expect me to be high at 7 AM? Do you think my life is THAT messed up?” Towelie laughs. “Nah man, I only smoke at night.”

“Hey, Towelie… Want to form an alliance?” JER asks.

“Um… I can’t be in an alliance with you, dude. I’m not in the game,” Towelie says.

“Oh. That’s a shame. I kinda like you,” says JER.

JER is shown in the confessional. “This game is hard.”

Bigdong- Day Nine

S321 is seen walking around the camp, naked. He is shown in the confessional, still naked. “Things have been pretty great around here since everyone else left on that quest.”

He is shown looking down at his privates, and smiling.

“I have the whole place to myself.”

He’s shown scratching his butt.

“It’s great. I feel the breeze between my knees,” says S321 as Epic returns to camp.

“What the f***?” Epic asks, covering his eyes.

Soggy- Day Nine

Jay is seen hugging a rock. Kevvy walks up to her. “Jay, what are you doing?”

“Hugging this rock,” responds Jay.

“Hmm.”

Bigdong- Day Nine

Space is shown running around in circles. He is also on fire.

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” laughs Mr. E evilly. “You cannot defeat me, you mere mortals!”

“Wait, Mr. E is immortal?” Mikey asks as he shoots an arrow at the dragon.

“No. Just because I call you guys mortal doesn’t mean that I’m not mortal too,” says Mr. E. “Idiot.”

“Wow, what a dick,” says Gimli.

“Gideon dont u no magic???” FHGTM asks.

“Oh, yeah,” says Gideon the White. “I always forget that.” Gideon shoots a beam of light at the dragon Mr. E is riding, and it falls and lands with a thud on top of a nearby Dairy Barn.

“THE DAIRY BARN!” yells Gimli, jumping down off of the tree. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The whole fellowship goes to the body of the downed dragon. “Where’d Mr. E go?” Space asks.

“HERE I AM!” says Mr. E, who shoots an arrow into Gideon’s knee.

“AUGH!” yells Gideon, falling down.

“Damn, was aiming at his dick,” says Mr. E.

“Dude, what the hell?” Space asks. “Why are you being such a dick lately?”

“I don’t know,” says Mr. E. “I guess I’ve just kinda always been one, even though nobody’s seemed to notice till this episode.”

“I JUST GOT SHOT IN THE KNEE! SOMEBODY CALL THE MEDICS!” Gideon yells, though everybody ignores him.

“Well, um…” Space says before Gimli hits Mr. E in the balls with the stick side of his axe.

“Douche,” says Gimli, who picks up Mr. E. “Let’s go, guys.”

“wait! Wheres qos” FHGTM asks.

“Oh, she escaped hours ago. She’s probably back at camp by now,” says Mr. E.

QOS is shown at camp, looking at nude pictures of Eva with S321. “Honestly… I’d tap that,” says S321.

Immunity Challenge

Trey is shown in a hot air balloon. “Hey, guys! I’m sure you’ve all figured out what the challenge is already, huh?”

The contestants say nothing.

“You didn’t?”

The contestants say nothing.

“STEVE! WHY DO YOU SUCK AT ARCHERY?” Trey looks at Hamburger Steve, who is piloting the balloon.

“I’m sorry, I was never formally trained…” says Hamburger Steve, looking ashamed.

“I knew we should have splurged for Hawkeye…” Trey looks frustrated. “You see, the challenge was gonna be who can get shot by Steve the least, but, since he sucks at archery, I don’t think anyone-“ Trey notices the arrow in Gideon’s knee. “AND SOGGY WINS IMMUNITY!”

Soggy seems confused, but begins to half-heartedly cheer.

“THIS IS ALL MR ES FAULT!!!!” yells FHGTM.

“Screw you, kid, I’m in the majority alliance,” says Mr. E, sticking his tongue out at FHGTM.

Space and Gideon look at each other. “Oh, yeah… he kind of is…”

“Well, head back to camp, I’ll see you at Tribal Council,” says Trey.

“WAIT!” yells Reddy. “You didn’t ever show up for OUR Tribal Councils!”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna be at theirs either,” says Trey. “Towelie will happily sub.”

“I like Towelie,” says JER.

The contestants head back to camp, as always, in slow motion.

Bigdong- Day Nine

Epic, Gideon, Space, and Mikey are shown strategizing. “So, who’ll it be?” Space asks.

“Well obviously Mr. E,” says Gideon. “He shot me with an arrow.”

“Valid point,” says Space.

QOS, FHGTM, and S321 are shown strategizing. “So, who’ll it be?” QOS asks.

“Well obviuslee mr e,” says FHGTM. “he kidnapeed you.”

“Aw, I thought we agreed to vote Space out,” says S321. “YOU GUYS PROMISED!”

“sux to suk.”

Mr. E is seen walking up to Gideon and Space. “So, guys, who is it? FHGTM? He’s pretty useless.”

Gideon looks at Mr. E incredulously. “Really? You’re asking us who to vote for after ALL of that?”

“Well, we ARE in an alliance,” says Mr. E. “Dummy.”

Space smiles. He is shown in the confessional. “Looks like my alliance has a choice. Either take out Mr. E, who’s all the sudden a psychopathic dick, but who’s also willing to vote with us, or FHGTM, who’s completely useless. I think this’ll be fun.”

Tribal Council

Towelie is shown at the Tribal Council area, where he Bigdongs enter. He is, as usual, smoking a lot of weed. He faints.

The Bigdongs sit there for a moment. “So… now what?” Epic asks.

“I guess I’ll act as the host,” says Gideon. “Since I’m responsible. Anyway, everyone just vote, I’ll read them afterwards.”

Everyone is seen going up to vote one by one.

INTERUPTION

Trey is shown sitting on a large, comfy chair, in a robe smoking a pipe. “Yes. Now, as you may not know, the theme of this episode is patience. So before we proceed to the reading of the votes, I’m going to make you watch the whole episode two more times. Thank you.”

Trey is shown delivering a baby. He turns from the woman having the baby and looks at the camera. “Last time on Total Drama: Wiki Island, there was a super hero part, Cthulhu showed up, and… I think Brandon went home? I don’t know. I don’t watch this crap show.” Trey returns to delivering the baby.

Bigdong- Day Seven

Mr. E is shown waking up before everyone else. He kicks sand into a sleeping Gideon’s face.

“AH!” Gideon says, spitting out sand. “What was that for?”

“Shut up, oldie!” says Mr. E.

Gideon is shown in the confessional. “That was awfully rude.”

Epic and Mikey are seen sitting around talking. “Yeah, so did you hear? Jimmy Carter isn’t real,” Mikey says.

“Wait, what? Jimmy Carter? The president?” Epic asks.

“Yeah, he was fake. Just computer animation,” Mikey says.

“How’d nobody figure that out?” Epic says, before Mr. E comes and spits on his face. “Dude! Ew.” Epic wipes off his face.

Space is shown in the confessional. “I don’t know what’s up, but Mr. E is being a real dick all of the sudden…”

Mr. E is shown burning down the tribe’s shelter.

“Hey, man!” S321 says. “That’s not very nice of you!” Mr. E blows a raspberry at S321 and walks away.

“Hm… pretty sure Mikey was still in the shelter,” says QOS, watching the fire burn.

“He’ll find his way out,” says Gideon. “I assume…”

Mikey is shown in the confessional, nursing full-body burns. “I DIDN’T!”

Soggy- Day Seven

Kevvy is seen looking pretty upset. He is shown in the confessional. “Well, it looks like my plot to get rid of Reddy failed, and now he actually has an alliance and is gunning for me. This really sucks.”

Reddy approaches Kevvy. “Good job back there, bud. Next time, we’ll teach JER a lesson.”

“JER? What’d he do?” Kevvy asks, confused.

“Well, he betrayed us. Silly Kevvy,” says Reddy, who begins to walk away. “Stay vigilant!”

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “Well, I guess I still have a chance if I pull JER to my side with that information. But I’ll also need to work with… TAU and Brandon, and turns out they don’t understand what alliances are, so… It’ll be tough.”

TAU and Brandon are seen sitting together. “So… Sprink’s gone…” Brandon says.

“Now what?” TAU says.

Bigdong- Day Seven

FHGTM is seen rubbing his bottom and walking up to QOS. “MrE is such a jerk!!! He pinched my booty.”

QOS looks at FHGTM. “I thought I was the only pedophile here.”

“whats that?”

“Well, a pedophile is a person who-“ QOS is scooped up by a dragon, and it flies away. The camera shows that Mr. E is riding the dragon, and laughing maniacally as he takes QOS away. “YOU’LL NEVER STOP ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“NOOOO QOS” says FHGTM. “i need to save her!”

Soggy- Day Seven

JER is seen writing a letter to Santa, talking to himself. “Dear Santa… or should I say ‘Dear White Santa’… I heard someone say that Santa was white… hmm… Dear Santa, do the elves working at your workshop get paid? Or are they slaves? I personally believe that slavery is wrong, and honestly if you use that for your labor, I’m gonna lose a lot of respect for you. Love, Julian.”

Kevvy walks up to him. “Hey, JER. Reddy thinks you betrayed him and wants you out next. Wanna work together to get him out?” Kevvy farts. “Damn it! I always fart when I’m trying to be serious…”

JER sits there silently for a minute. “Okay. Reddy’s mean anyway.”

“Reddy? Mean? I mean, he’s dumb, but he isn’t really a jerk…” Kevvy says.

“Well, he was mean to me yesterday…”

A flashback is shown. JER and Reddy are shown talking. “And that’s why New York is a terrible song,” JER says.

“I liked that song,” says Reddy. 

JER’s eyebrows lower and he gives Reddy a look of pure hatred.

We return to the present.

“HE WILL BURN!” JER yells, throwing down his letter to Santa. “HIM AND ALL HIS DIRTY NEW YORK FRIENDS, LIKE JAY-Z AND SPIKE LEE AND REX RYAN AND BILL DE BLASIO AND BILL DE BLASIO’S COOL INTERRACIAL FAMILY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!”

Kevvy looks scared. “All right…”

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “Are you SURE he passed the psych analysis?”

Bigdong- Day Seven

The lowly Halfling FHGTM walks into the Prancing Pony. The bartender, Mikey, smiles at him. “What’ll it be, kid?”

“Just milk pls!” says FHGTM.

“It’s amazing that Space built an entire Middle-Earth style tavern, isn’t it?” says Gideon the Grey Wizard, who is sitting next to FHGTM. “Space is great.”

“oh gidein! Just the man I was looking 3!” says FHGTM. “I need someone to help me on a kwest to save a fare maden from the evil dragin!! Will you help?”

“Normally, I detest you and your immature, childish ways, FHGTM, but if there’s a fair maiden at stake, I will be happy to lend my services,” says Gideon the Grey, bowing. “We may need some more people to help, however.”

“You need help? Good luck!” says S321, who is sitting along in the corner, drinking mead. “No one’s ever slain a dragon since the third age! You’ve got no shot!”

“What about Space?” Epic the Black, who is sitting a few seats away on the bar, says.

Space the Knight walks in, causing Mikey to swoon. “I can help. That fair maiden is in trouble.”

“yey! LETS GO” says FHGTM, running out of the tavern, with Gideon the Grey and Space on his tail.

“Wait, who’s the maiden?” Space asks.

“QOS.”

Space and Gideon turn and leave.

“Aw man!!!!”

Soggy- Night Seven

Kevvy is shown approaching Brandon. “Hey, Brandon my man…” Kevvy farts. “DAMN IT! Well, um… so, wanna join my alliance? You and TAU?”

“Um, I guess,” says Brandon. “But first define alliance.”

“noun

1.  the act of allying or state of being allied.

2.  a formal agreement or treaty between two or more nations to cooperate for specific purposes.

3. a merging of efforts or interests by persons, families, states, or organizations: an alliance betweenchurch and state.

4.   the persons or entities so allied.

5.   marriage or the relationship created by marriage between the families of the spouses,” says Kevvy.

“So, like, we all vote for the same person?” Brandon asks. “Seems kind of unfair.”          

“Well, everyone’s doing it,” says Kevvy.

“Hey! Just cuz everyone’s doing it doesn’t mean you have to too, bro. If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do it?” Brandon says.

“Yes,” says Kevvy.

“Really?” Brandon asks. “Wow, that is a new level of stupidity… um, well, I guess we can vote together, since this is just a game.”

“So you can bring TAU in, too, right?” Kevvy says hopefully.

“TAU? That douche? No way,” says Brandon, crossing his arms.

“I thought you guys were friends?”

“Well, we realized without Sprink around, we actually hate each other’s guts. I mean, he’s always teleporting, thinking he’s better than me,” Brandon spits on the ground.

“But you think you’re better than everyone!” Kevvy protests.

“I am! NOW BEGONE!” says Brandon.

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “I need both Brandon and TAU if I want majority… I guess I need to patch up their friendship…”

Bigdong- Night Seven

FHGTM is shown trudging through the jungle. “Be vewwy qwiet, im huntin dwagons.”

“Ha, I get it! Elmer Fudd! Ha ha!” says a cameraman.

“whos that???” says FHGTM.

“Elmer Fudd? You know from Looney Tunes?”

“that cartoon my grandpa watcheds?”

“Yeah, I guess… Thought you were making a reference, sorry…”

“That’s just how i spell stuff meenie”

“Oh, I think I see the dragon.”

“WHERE??!!?” FHGTM asks as the dragon picks him up. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Soggy- Day Eight

Jay is shown washing the tribe’s laundry. She looks in the pockets of Reddy’s pants, and finds the hidden immunity idol. “What’s this?” she says to herself. “Maybe I can make it into a necklace!” She walks away humming.

Bigdong- Day Eight

FHGTM is shown in a giant dragon’s nest. Mr. E is standing over him. “I see you’re trying to save your precious little QOS. I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

“Why are you doing this Mr. E! you seemed so nice and jewish!” says FHGTM.

“Because, my lad… I am OTTNN,” Mr. E pushes FHGTM out of the nest, and he falls fifty feet onto a mattress.

“Hey, who left that mattress there!?” Mr. E asks.

“We did,” says a cameraman. “We can’t let anyone die out here. You’re kinda pushing it, dude.”

“Oh, well… is it at least not a Tempurpedic?” Mr. E asks.

“Um… nope, not Tempurpedic,” says the cameraman.

“Excellent,” says Mr. E OTTNN-ly. He then laughs maniacally for a few seconds.

“Where the hell do they find these people?” another cameraman asks.

The scene shifts back to the Prancing Pony.

“Haven’t seen FHGTM in a while…” says Mikey. “Think something happened to him?”

“Ah, screw him! We’re all doomed anyway! Doomed I tell you! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” says S321, obviously pretty drunk on mead.

“What if he’s hurt, though?” Space asks. “I’d feel pretty bad… he asked us for help…”

“Well, he wanted to go save QOS. She’s nothing but trouble,” says Gideon the Grey.

“Still, we need to save HIM at least,” says Space. “Who’s with me?”

“You have my sword,” says Epic the Black.

“And my bow,” says Mikey, who we just now noticed is an elf.

“AND MY AXE!” says Gimli.

“I guess I’ll come too,” says Gideon the Grey Wizard.

Everyone looks at S321 for a minute. “Who, me? No f***ing way, dude!” He collapses into his bowl of oatmeal.

Soggy- Day Eight

Kevvy is shown walking up to TAU. “Hey, TAU… can I call you T for short?”

“No. T is my mother’s name,” says TAU, who is brushing his teeth with a live lobster.

“Oh… pretty name, T…” Kevvy farts. “DAMN IT!” Kevvy runs away, embarrassed, and throws a letter on the ground next to TAU.

TAU picks it up. “You are formally invited to a tea party by… SPRINK?” TAU leaps with joy. “IN FIVE MINUTES?” TAU drops his lobster and runs into the jungle.

Brandon is shown sitting at a fancy tea party alone when TAU runs in. “HEY! What are you doing here, douche?” Brandon asks.

“Brandon, you’re the definition of a douche,” says TAU.

“SHUT UP! AT LEAST I… HAVE A REAL NAME!”

The camera switches to JER and Kevvy hiding behind a nearby bush. “You owe me,” says JER, who is wearing all but the head in a Sprink costume. He puts the head on, and goes to the tea party.

“SPRINK!” TAU and Brandon yell together, immediately stopping fighting.

“Ho ho ho! Have you two been good boys this year?” JER says in a Santa impression.

Kevvy runs up to JER and whispers something in his ear, then runs back to the bush.

“I mean,” says JER. “Golly, do I hate the occult. Isn’t Doyce great?”

“OH MY GOD HE TOTALLY IS!” yells Brandon.

“WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?” TAU yells, collapsing and crying.

“Um… yeah, this is too weird. I’m out,” says JER, taking off his costume and running away.

“Goddangit, JER,” says Kevvy as JER runs past him.

“Wait… Sprink was JER this WHOLE TIME?” TAU says.

“I… I didn’t realize… I thought we were friends!” Brandon looks very offended.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” TAU asks.

“Yep. We need to kill JER,” Brandon starts laughing evilly. The two run into the jungle together, laughing.

“oh my werd” says Kevvy.

Bigdong- Night Eight

The fellowship is seen running across the island. Space who is leading the pack, stops.

“r we resting now??” an exhausted FHGTM asks.

“No. I think I found their trail,” says Space. He gets down on the ground and starts furiously licking it.

“Um… what’s that doing, exactly?” Epic the Black asks.

“Shh! Space knows what he’s doing. Space knows everything,” says Mikey.

“How in the Hell did I even get here?” says Gimli, though nobody notices.

“I taste… Nothing, just dirt,” says Space, standing up.

“Oh. Good try though,” says Mikey.

A large rumble is heard in the jungle. “What was that?” Gideon the Grey asks.

A large, orange monster comes out of the jungle, screaming incoherently.

“HOLY CRAP ITS A SNOOKI!” yells Mikey. “COME ON! WE CAN’T FIGHT IT!”

The group runs away from the Snooki, until they come to a bridge. “Hold up!” says a troll. “You’s gotta answer my riddle.”

“Ugh… fine,” says Space. “What is it?”

“What has four wheels and flies?” the troll asks.

“Oh God… how should I know?” Space says. “Anyone have any ideas?”

“I DO!” Gimli yells, as he takes his axe and beheads the troll. “COME ON!”

“Holy crap,” says Epic the Black as he crosses. “Gimli just killed a dude.”

Gideon the Grey is the last one to cross the bridge, and he stops at the end of it as the Snooki approaches it. “Please do not cross the bridge.”

The Snooki ignores him.

“Don’t cross the bridge or I will cut it and you will fall to your death.”

The Snooki ignores him.

“Okay I warned you.” Gideon cuts the ropes of the bridge and it falls, bringing the Snooki down with it. But the Snooki grabs Gideon with one of its many tentacles and brings him down with him.

“GIDEONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!” yells FHGTM as due to an odd alignment of the planets, time slows down. The rest of the fellowship runs away, slowly, with Space having to carry FHGTM, due to his uselessness.

Soggy- Night Eight

JER is seen sleeping. “Zzzzzzz… Total Drama America… Zzzzzzz… Creed… Zzzzzzz… Hurricane Sandy… Zzzzzzz… Daphne…”

TAU grabs him and stuffs him in a sack. “AH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M SORRY FOR DISLIKING THAT VIDEO, JAY-Z! I JUST HATE THAT SONG!”  yells JER as he is carried away.

JER wakes up tied upside down to a tree. “What is this? Who hired you? Was it Steve? I always hated that guy!”

Brandon walks out of the shadows. “Hello, JER. Or should I say… Sprink?”

“What are you even talking about?” JER asks.

“You know what I’m talking about… you’ve been lying to us this whole time, Sprink. YOU’RE HISPANIC! YOU HATE NEW YORK! YOU’RE NOT EVEN REALLY AFRAID OF THE OCCULT!” Brandon takes out a machete. “And now it’s time to kill you…”

“WAIT! Do you want exclusive content from my story, Total Drama America?” JER asks.

Brandon stops. “A story… by Sprink. Okay. Give me it.”

“I always carry a copy, just in case,” says JER, handing Brandon a piece of paper.

Brandon starts reading.

Bigdong- Night Nine

The fellowship arrives at the big tree where Mr. E’s dragon nest is located. “Well, we made it. And we only lost one person,” says Space.

“No, I’m back,” says Gideon. “And I’m white now. So I’m even better.”

“That’s kinda racist,” says Epic. “Why is white better?”

Everyone laughs except Epic and Space. “Oh look at me, I’m Epic! I’m a minority!” says Gimli, in a pretty accurate Epic impression.

“I’m Epic and I think that just cuz there’s a black president that black people are just as good as white people!” says Mikey, drawing even more laughter.

“im epic and I have dark skin and am good at basketball!” says FHGTM.

“This is actually pretty racist,” says Space through the laughter.

“That’s it, screw you guys,” says Epic, throwing down his sword and walking back.

“Okay, I guess we DID lose someone,” says Space. “Anyway, let’s get climbing.”

Soggy- Day Nine

JER is seen hanging upside down. Brandon has fallen asleep reading the Total Drama America exclusive content.  Towelie is seen walking past him. “Psst! Towelie! Get me down!”

Towelie looks at JER. “Look, kid, I’m not gonna ask. But if you had just brought a towel, you wouldn’t be in this position.”

“Yeah, yeah,” says JER, as Towelie helps him down. “Wait, why aren’t you high?”

“You expect me to be high at 7 AM? Do you think my life is THAT messed up?” Towelie laughs. “Nah man, I only smoke at night.”

“Hey, Towelie… Want to form an alliance?” JER asks.

“Um… I can’t be in an alliance with you, dude. I’m not in the game,” Towelie says.

“Oh. That’s a shame. I kinda like you,” says JER.

JER is shown in the confessional. “This game is hard.”

Bigdong- Day Nine

S321 is seen walking around the camp, naked. He is shown in the confessional, still naked. “Things have been pretty great around here since everyone else left on that quest.”

He is shown looking down at his privates, and smiling.

“I have the whole place to myself.”

He’s shown scratching his butt.

“It’s great. I feel the breeze between my knees,” says S321 as Epic returns to camp.

“What the f***?” Epic asks, covering his eyes.

Soggy- Day Nine

Jay is seen hugging a rock. Kevvy walks up to her. “Jay, what are you doing?”

“Hugging this rock,” responds Jay.

“Hmm.”

Bigdong- Day Nine

Space is shown running around in circles. He is also on fire.

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” laughs Mr. E evilly. “You cannot defeat me, you mere mortals!”

“Wait, Mr. E is immortal?” Mikey asks as he shoots an arrow at the dragon.

“No. Just because I call you guys mortal doesn’t mean that I’m not mortal too,” says Mr. E. “Idiot.”

“Wow, what a dick,” says Gimli.

“Gideon dont u no magic???” FHGTM asks.

“Oh, yeah,” says Gideon the White. “I always forget that.” Gideon shoots a beam of light at the dragon Mr. E is riding, and it falls and lands with a thud on top of a nearby Dairy Barn.

“THE DAIRY BARN!” yells Gimli, jumping down off of the tree. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The whole fellowship goes to the body of the downed dragon. “Where’d Mr. E go?” Space asks.

“HERE I AM!” says Mr. E, who shoots an arrow into Gideon’s knee.

“AUGH!” yells Gideon, falling down.

“Damn, was aiming at his dick,” says Mr. E.

“Dude, what the hell?” Space asks. “Why are you being such a dick lately?”

“I don’t know,” says Mr. E. “I guess I’ve just kinda always been one, even though nobody’s seemed to notice till this episode.”

“I JUST GOT SHOT IN THE KNEE! SOMEBODY CALL THE MEDICS!” Gideon yells, though everybody ignores him.

“Well, um…” Space says before Gimli hits Mr. E in the balls with the stick side of his axe.

“Douche,” says Gimli, who picks up Mr. E. “Let’s go, guys.”

“wait! Wheres qos” FHGTM asks.

“Oh, she escaped hours ago. She’s probably back at camp by now,” says Mr. E.

QOS is shown at camp, looking at nude pictures of Eva with S321. “Honestly… I’d tap that,” says S321.

Immunity Challenge

Trey is shown in a hot air balloon. “Hey, guys! I’m sure you’ve all figured out what the challenge is already, huh?”

The contestants say nothing.

“You didn’t?”

The contestants say nothing.

“STEVE! WHY DO YOU SUCK AT ARCHERY?” Trey looks at Hamburger Steve, who is piloting the balloon.

“I’m sorry, I was never formally trained…” says Hamburger Steve, looking ashamed.

“I knew we should have splurged for Hawkeye…” Trey looks frustrated. “You see, the challenge was gonna be who can get shot by Steve the least, but, since he sucks at archery, I don’t think anyone-“ Trey notices the arrow in Gideon’s knee. “AND SOGGY WINS IMMUNITY!”

Soggy seems confused, but begins to half-heartedly cheer.

“THIS IS ALL MR ES FAULT!!!!” yells FHGTM.

“Screw you, kid, I’m in the majority alliance,” says Mr. E, sticking his tongue out at FHGTM.

Space and Gideon look at each other. “Oh, yeah… he kind of is…”

“Well, head back to camp, I’ll see you at Tribal Council,” says Trey.

“WAIT!” yells Reddy. “You didn’t ever show up for OUR Tribal Councils!”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna be at theirs either,” says Trey. “Towelie will happily sub.”

“I like Towelie,” says JER.

The contestants head back to camp, as always, in slow motion.

Bigdong- Day Nine

Epic, Gideon, Space, and Mikey are shown strategizing. “So, who’ll it be?” Space asks.

“Well obviously Mr. E,” says Gideon. “He shot me with an arrow.”

“Valid point,” says Space.

QOS, FHGTM, and S321 are shown strategizing. “So, who’ll it be?” QOS asks.

“Well obviuslee mr e,” says FHGTM. “he kidnapeed you.”

“Aw, I thought we agreed to vote Space out,” says S321. “YOU GUYS PROMISED!”

“sux to suk.”

Mr. E is seen walking up to Gideon and Space. “So, guys, who is it? FHGTM? He’s pretty useless.”

Gideon looks at Mr. E incredulously. “Really? You’re asking us who to vote for after ALL of that?”

“Well, we ARE in an alliance,” says Mr. E. “Dummy.”

Space smiles. He is shown in the confessional. “Looks like my alliance has a choice. Either take out Mr. E, who’s all the sudden a psychopathic dick, but who’s also willing to vote with us, or FHGTM, who’s completely useless. I think this’ll be fun.”

Tribal Council

Towelie is shown at the Tribal Council area, where he Bigdongs enter. He is, as usual, smoking a lot of weed. He faints.

The Bigdongs sit there for a moment. “So… now what?” Epic asks.

“I guess I’ll act as the host,” says Gideon. “Since I’m responsible. Anyway, everyone just vote, I’ll read them afterwards.”

Everyone is seen going up to vote one by one.

Trey is shown delivering a baby. He turns from the woman having the baby and looks at the camera. “Last time on Total Drama: Wiki Island, there was a super hero part, Cthulhu showed up, and… I think Brandon went home? I don’t know. I don’t watch this crap show.” Trey returns to delivering the baby.

Bigdong- Day Seven

Mr. E is shown waking up before everyone else. He kicks sand into a sleeping Gideon’s face.

“AH!” Gideon says, spitting out sand. “What was that for?”

“Shut up, oldie!” says Mr. E.

Gideon is shown in the confessional. “That was awfully rude.”

Epic and Mikey are seen sitting around talking. “Yeah, so did you hear? Jimmy Carter isn’t real,” Mikey says.

“Wait, what? Jimmy Carter? The president?” Epic asks.

“Yeah, he was fake. Just computer animation,” Mikey says.

“How’d nobody figure that out?” Epic says, before Mr. E comes and spits on his face. “Dude! Ew.” Epic wipes off his face.

Space is shown in the confessional. “I don’t know what’s up, but Mr. E is being a real dick all of the sudden…”

Mr. E is shown burning down the tribe’s shelter.

“Hey, man!” S321 says. “That’s not very nice of you!” Mr. E blows a raspberry at S321 and walks away.

“Hm… pretty sure Mikey was still in the shelter,” says QOS, watching the fire burn.

“He’ll find his way out,” says Gideon. “I assume…”

Mikey is shown in the confessional, nursing full-body burns. “I DIDN’T!”

Soggy- Day Seven

Kevvy is seen looking pretty upset. He is shown in the confessional. “Well, it looks like my plot to get rid of Reddy failed, and now he actually has an alliance and is gunning for me. This really sucks.”

Reddy approaches Kevvy. “Good job back there, bud. Next time, we’ll teach JER a lesson.”

“JER? What’d he do?” Kevvy asks, confused.

“Well, he betrayed us. Silly Kevvy,” says Reddy, who begins to walk away. “Stay vigilant!”

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “Well, I guess I still have a chance if I pull JER to my side with that information. But I’ll also need to work with… TAU and Brandon, and turns out they don’t understand what alliances are, so… It’ll be tough.”

TAU and Brandon are seen sitting together. “So… Sprink’s gone…” Brandon says.

“Now what?” TAU says.

Bigdong- Day Seven

FHGTM is seen rubbing his bottom and walking up to QOS. “MrE is such a jerk!!! He pinched my booty.”

QOS looks at FHGTM. “I thought I was the only pedophile here.”

“whats that?”

“Well, a pedophile is a person who-“ QOS is scooped up by a dragon, and it flies away. The camera shows that Mr. E is riding the dragon, and laughing maniacally as he takes QOS away. “YOU’LL NEVER STOP ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“NOOOO QOS” says FHGTM. “i need to save her!”

Soggy- Day Seven

JER is seen writing a letter to Santa, talking to himself. “Dear Santa… or should I say ‘Dear White Santa’… I heard someone say that Santa was white… hmm… Dear Santa, do the elves working at your workshop get paid? Or are they slaves? I personally believe that slavery is wrong, and honestly if you use that for your labor, I’m gonna lose a lot of respect for you. Love, Julian.”

Kevvy walks up to him. “Hey, JER. Reddy thinks you betrayed him and wants you out next. Wanna work together to get him out?” Kevvy farts. “Damn it! I always fart when I’m trying to be serious…”

JER sits there silently for a minute. “Okay. Reddy’s mean anyway.”

“Reddy? Mean? I mean, he’s dumb, but he isn’t really a jerk…” Kevvy says.

“Well, he was mean to me yesterday…”

A flashback is shown. JER and Reddy are shown talking. “And that’s why New York is a terrible song,” JER says.

“I liked that song,” says Reddy. 

JER’s eyebrows lower and he gives Reddy a look of pure hatred.

We return to the present.

“HE WILL BURN!” JER yells, throwing down his letter to Santa. “HIM AND ALL HIS DIRTY NEW YORK FRIENDS, LIKE JAY-Z AND SPIKE LEE AND REX RYAN AND BILL DE BLASIO AND BILL DE BLASIO’S COOL INTERRACIAL FAMILY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!”

Kevvy looks scared. “All right…”

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “Are you SURE he passed the psych analysis?”

Bigdong- Day Seven

The lowly Halfling FHGTM walks into the Prancing Pony. The bartender, Mikey, smiles at him. “What’ll it be, kid?”

“Just milk pls!” says FHGTM.

“It’s amazing that Space built an entire Middle-Earth style tavern, isn’t it?” says Gideon the Grey Wizard, who is sitting next to FHGTM. “Space is great.”

“oh gidein! Just the man I was looking 3!” says FHGTM. “I need someone to help me on a kwest to save a fare maden from the evil dragin!! Will you help?”

“Normally, I detest you and your immature, childish ways, FHGTM, but if there’s a fair maiden at stake, I will be happy to lend my services,” says Gideon the Grey, bowing. “We may need some more people to help, however.”

“You need help? Good luck!” says S321, who is sitting along in the corner, drinking mead. “No one’s ever slain a dragon since the third age! You’ve got no shot!”

“What about Space?” Epic the Black, who is sitting a few seats away on the bar, says.

Space the Knight walks in, causing Mikey to swoon. “I can help. That fair maiden is in trouble.”

“yey! LETS GO” says FHGTM, running out of the tavern, with Gideon the Grey and Space on his tail.

“Wait, who’s the maiden?” Space asks.

“QOS.”

Space and Gideon turn and leave.

“Aw man!!!!”

Soggy- Night Seven

Kevvy is shown approaching Brandon. “Hey, Brandon my man…” Kevvy farts. “DAMN IT! Well, um… so, wanna join my alliance? You and TAU?”

“Um, I guess,” says Brandon. “But first define alliance.”

“noun

1.  the act of allying or state of being allied.

2.  a formal agreement or treaty between two or more nations to cooperate for specific purposes.

3. a merging of efforts or interests by persons, families, states, or organizations: an alliance betweenchurch and state.

4.   the persons or entities so allied.

5.   marriage or the relationship created by marriage between the families of the spouses,” says Kevvy.

“So, like, we all vote for the same person?” Brandon asks. “Seems kind of unfair.”          

“Well, everyone’s doing it,” says Kevvy.

“Hey! Just cuz everyone’s doing it doesn’t mean you have to too, bro. If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do it?” Brandon says.

“Yes,” says Kevvy.

“Really?” Brandon asks. “Wow, that is a new level of stupidity… um, well, I guess we can vote together, since this is just a game.”

“So you can bring TAU in, too, right?” Kevvy says hopefully.

“TAU? That douche? No way,” says Brandon, crossing his arms.

“I thought you guys were friends?”

“Well, we realized without Sprink around, we actually hate each other’s guts. I mean, he’s always teleporting, thinking he’s better than me,” Brandon spits on the ground.

“But you think you’re better than everyone!” Kevvy protests.

“I am! NOW BEGONE!” says Brandon.

Kevvy is shown in the confessional. “I need both Brandon and TAU if I want majority… I guess I need to patch up their friendship…”

Bigdong- Night Seven

FHGTM is shown trudging through the jungle. “Be vewwy qwiet, im huntin dwagons.”

“Ha, I get it! Elmer Fudd! Ha ha!” says a cameraman.

“whos that???” says FHGTM.

“Elmer Fudd? You know from Looney Tunes?”

“that cartoon my grandpa watcheds?”

“Yeah, I guess… Thought you were making a reference, sorry…”

“That’s just how i spell stuff meenie”

“Oh, I think I see the dragon.”

“WHERE??!!?” FHGTM asks as the dragon picks him up. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Soggy- Day Eight

Jay is shown washing the tribe’s laundry. She looks in the pockets of Reddy’s pants, and finds the hidden immunity idol. “What’s this?” she says to herself. “Maybe I can make it into a necklace!” She walks away humming.

Bigdong- Day Eight

FHGTM is shown in a giant dragon’s nest. Mr. E is standing over him. “I see you’re trying to save your precious little QOS. I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

“Why are you doing this Mr. E! you seemed so nice and jewish!” says FHGTM.

“Because, my lad… I am OTTNN,” Mr. E pushes FHGTM out of the nest, and he falls fifty feet onto a mattress.

“Hey, who left that mattress there!?” Mr. E asks.

“We did,” says a cameraman. “We can’t let anyone die out here. You’re kinda pushing it, dude.”

“Oh, well… is it at least not a Tempurpedic?” Mr. E asks.

“Um… nope, not Tempurpedic,” says the cameraman.

“Excellent,” says Mr. E OTTNN-ly. He then laughs maniacally for a few seconds.

“Where the hell do they find these people?” another cameraman asks.

The scene shifts back to the Prancing Pony.

“Haven’t seen FHGTM in a while…” says Mikey. “Think something happened to him?”

“Ah, screw him! We’re all doomed anyway! Doomed I tell you! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” says S321, obviously pretty drunk on mead.

“What if he’s hurt, though?” Space asks. “I’d feel pretty bad… he asked us for help…”

“Well, he wanted to go save QOS. She’s nothing but trouble,” says Gideon the Grey.

“Still, we need to save HIM at least,” says Space. “Who’s with me?”

“You have my sword,” says Epic the Black.

“And my bow,” says Mikey, who we just now noticed is an elf.

“AND MY AXE!” says Gimli.

“I guess I’ll come too,” says Gideon the Grey Wizard.

Everyone looks at S321 for a minute. “Who, me? No f***ing way, dude!” He collapses into his bowl of oatmeal.

Soggy- Day Eight

Kevvy is shown walking up to TAU. “Hey, TAU… can I call you T for short?”

“No. T is my mother’s name,” says TAU, who is brushing his teeth with a live lobster.

“Oh… pretty name, T…” Kevvy farts. “DAMN IT!” Kevvy runs away, embarrassed, and throws a letter on the ground next to TAU.

TAU picks it up. “You are formally invited to a tea party by… SPRINK?” TAU leaps with joy. “IN FIVE MINUTES?” TAU drops his lobster and runs into the jungle.

Brandon is shown sitting at a fancy tea party alone when TAU runs in. “HEY! What are you doing here, douche?” Brandon asks.

“Brandon, you’re the definition of a douche,” says TAU.

“SHUT UP! AT LEAST I… HAVE A REAL NAME!”

The camera switches to JER and Kevvy hiding behind a nearby bush. “You owe me,” says JER, who is wearing all but the head in a Sprink costume. He puts the head on, and goes to the tea party.

“SPRINK!” TAU and Brandon yell together, immediately stopping fighting.

“Ho ho ho! Have you two been good boys this year?” JER says in a Santa impression.

Kevvy runs up to JER and whispers something in his ear, then runs back to the bush.

“I mean,” says JER. “Golly, do I hate the occult. Isn’t Doyce great?”

“OH MY GOD HE TOTALLY IS!” yells Brandon.

“WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?” TAU yells, collapsing and crying.

“Um… yeah, this is too weird. I’m out,” says JER, taking off his costume and running away.

“Goddangit, JER,” says Kevvy as JER runs past him.

“Wait… Sprink was JER this WHOLE TIME?” TAU says.

“I… I didn’t realize… I thought we were friends!” Brandon looks very offended.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” TAU asks.

“Yep. We need to kill JER,” Brandon starts laughing evilly. The two run into the jungle together, laughing.

“oh my werd” says Kevvy.

Bigdong- Night Eight

The fellowship is seen running across the island. Space who is leading the pack, stops.

“r we resting now??” an exhausted FHGTM asks.

“No. I think I found their trail,” says Space. He gets down on the ground and starts furiously licking it.

“Um… what’s that doing, exactly?” Epic the Black asks.

“Shh! Space knows what he’s doing. Space knows everything,” says Mikey.

“How in the Hell did I even get here?” says Gimli, though nobody notices.

“I taste… Nothing, just dirt,” says Space, standing up.

“Oh. Good try though,” says Mikey.

A large rumble is heard in the jungle. “What was that?” Gideon the Grey asks.

A large, orange monster comes out of the jungle, screaming incoherently.

“HOLY CRAP ITS A SNOOKI!” yells Mikey. “COME ON! WE CAN’T FIGHT IT!”

The group runs away from the Snooki, until they come to a bridge. “Hold up!” says a troll. “You’s gotta answer my riddle.”

“Ugh… fine,” says Space. “What is it?”

“What has four wheels and flies?” the troll asks.

“Oh God… how should I know?” Space says. “Anyone have any ideas?”

“I DO!” Gimli yells, as he takes his axe and beheads the troll. “COME ON!”

“Holy crap,” says Epic the Black as he crosses. “Gimli just killed a dude.”

Gideon the Grey is the last one to cross the bridge, and he stops at the end of it as the Snooki approaches it. “Please do not cross the bridge.”

The Snooki ignores him.

“Don’t cross the bridge or I will cut it and you will fall to your death.”

The Snooki ignores him.

“Okay I warned you.” Gideon cuts the ropes of the bridge and it falls, bringing the Snooki down with it. But the Snooki grabs Gideon with one of its many tentacles and brings him down with him.

“GIDEONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!” yells FHGTM as due to an odd alignment of the planets, time slows down. The rest of the fellowship runs away, slowly, with Space having to carry FHGTM, due to his uselessness.

Soggy- Night Eight

JER is seen sleeping. “Zzzzzzz… Total Drama America… Zzzzzzz… Creed… Zzzzzzz… Hurricane Sandy… Zzzzzzz… Daphne…”

TAU grabs him and stuffs him in a sack. “AH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M SORRY FOR DISLIKING THAT VIDEO, JAY-Z! I JUST HATE THAT SONG!”  yells JER as he is carried away.

JER wakes up tied upside down to a tree. “What is this? Who hired you? Was it Steve? I always hated that guy!”

Brandon walks out of the shadows. “Hello, JER. Or should I say… Sprink?”

“What are you even talking about?” JER asks.

“You know what I’m talking about… you’ve been lying to us this whole time, Sprink. YOU’RE HISPANIC! YOU HATE NEW YORK! YOU’RE NOT EVEN REALLY AFRAID OF THE OCCULT!” Brandon takes out a machete. “And now it’s time to kill you…”

“WAIT! Do you want exclusive content from my story, Total Drama America?” JER asks.

Brandon stops. “A story… by Sprink. Okay. Give me it.”

“I always carry a copy, just in case,” says JER, handing Brandon a piece of paper.

Brandon starts reading.

Bigdong- Night Nine

The fellowship arrives at the big tree where Mr. E’s dragon nest is located. “Well, we made it. And we only lost one person,” says Space.

“No, I’m back,” says Gideon. “And I’m white now. So I’m even better.”

“That’s kinda racist,” says Epic. “Why is white better?”

Everyone laughs except Epic and Space. “Oh look at me, I’m Epic! I’m a minority!” says Gimli, in a pretty accurate Epic impression.

“I’m Epic and I think that just cuz there’s a black president that black people are just as good as white people!” says Mikey, drawing even more laughter.

“im epic and I have dark skin and am good at basketball!” says FHGTM.

“This is actually pretty racist,” says Space through the laughter.

“That’s it, screw you guys,” says Epic, throwing down his sword and walking back.

“Okay, I guess we DID lose someone,” says Space. “Anyway, let’s get climbing.”

Soggy- Day Nine

JER is seen hanging upside down. Brandon has fallen asleep reading the Total Drama America exclusive content.  Towelie is seen walking past him. “Psst! Towelie! Get me down!”

Towelie looks at JER. “Look, kid, I’m not gonna ask. But if you had just brought a towel, you wouldn’t be in this position.”

“Yeah, yeah,” says JER, as Towelie helps him down. “Wait, why aren’t you high?”

“You expect me to be high at 7 AM? Do you think my life is THAT messed up?” Towelie laughs. “Nah man, I only smoke at night.”

“Hey, Towelie… Want to form an alliance?” JER asks.

“Um… I can’t be in an alliance with you, dude. I’m not in the game,” Towelie says.

“Oh. That’s a shame. I kinda like you,” says JER.

JER is shown in the confessional. “This game is hard.”

Bigdong- Day Nine

S321 is seen walking around the camp, naked. He is shown in the confessional, still naked. “Things have been pretty great around here since everyone else left on that quest.”

He is shown looking down at his privates, and smiling.

“I have the whole place to myself.”

He’s shown scratching his butt.

“It’s great. I feel the breeze between my knees,” says S321 as Epic returns to camp.

“What the f***?” Epic asks, covering his eyes.

Soggy- Day Nine

Jay is seen hugging a rock. Kevvy walks up to her. “Jay, what are you doing?”

“Hugging this rock,” responds Jay.

“Hmm.”

Bigdong- Day Nine

Space is shown running around in circles. He is also on fire.

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” laughs Mr. E evilly. “You cannot defeat me, you mere mortals!”

“Wait, Mr. E is immortal?” Mikey asks as he shoots an arrow at the dragon.

“No. Just because I call you guys mortal doesn’t mean that I’m not mortal too,” says Mr. E. “Idiot.”

“Wow, what a dick,” says Gimli.

“Gideon dont u no magic???” FHGTM asks.

“Oh, yeah,” says Gideon the White. “I always forget that.” Gideon shoots a beam of light at the dragon Mr. E is riding, and it falls and lands with a thud on top of a nearby Dairy Barn.

“THE DAIRY BARN!” yells Gimli, jumping down off of the tree. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The whole fellowship goes to the body of the downed dragon. “Where’d Mr. E go?” Space asks.

“HERE I AM!” says Mr. E, who shoots an arrow into Gideon’s knee.

“AUGH!” yells Gideon, falling down.

“Damn, was aiming at his dick,” says Mr. E.

“Dude, what the hell?” Space asks. “Why are you being such a dick lately?”

“I don’t know,” says Mr. E. “I guess I’ve just kinda always been one, even though nobody’s seemed to notice till this episode.”

“I JUST GOT SHOT IN THE KNEE! SOMEBODY CALL THE MEDICS!” Gideon yells, though everybody ignores him.

“Well, um…” Space says before Gimli hits Mr. E in the balls with the stick side of his axe.

“Douche,” says Gimli, who picks up Mr. E. “Let’s go, guys.”

“wait! Wheres qos” FHGTM asks.

“Oh, she escaped hours ago. She’s probably back at camp by now,” says Mr. E.

QOS is shown at camp, looking at nude pictures of Eva with S321. “Honestly… I’d tap that,” says S321.

Immunity Challenge

Trey is shown in a hot air balloon. “Hey, guys! I’m sure you’ve all figured out what the challenge is already, huh?”

The contestants say nothing.

“You didn’t?”

The contestants say nothing.

“STEVE! WHY DO YOU SUCK AT ARCHERY?” Trey looks at Hamburger Steve, who is piloting the balloon.

“I’m sorry, I was never formally trained…” says Hamburger Steve, looking ashamed.

“I knew we should have splurged for Hawkeye…” Trey looks frustrated. “You see, the challenge was gonna be who can get shot by Steve the least, but, since he sucks at archery, I don’t think anyone-“ Trey notices the arrow in Gideon’s knee. “AND SOGGY WINS IMMUNITY!”

Soggy seems confused, but begins to half-heartedly cheer.

“THIS IS ALL MR ES FAULT!!!!” yells FHGTM.

“Screw you, kid, I’m in the majority alliance,” says Mr. E, sticking his tongue out at FHGTM.

Space and Gideon look at each other. “Oh, yeah… he kind of is…”

“Well, head back to camp, I’ll see you at Tribal Council,” says Trey.

“WAIT!” yells Reddy. “You didn’t ever show up for OUR Tribal Councils!”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna be at theirs either,” says Trey. “Towelie will happily sub.”

“I like Towelie,” says JER.

The contestants head back to camp, as always, in slow motion.

Bigdong- Day Nine

Epic, Gideon, Space, and Mikey are shown strategizing. “So, who’ll it be?” Space asks.

“Well obviously Mr. E,” says Gideon. “He shot me with an arrow.”

“Valid point,” says Space.

QOS, FHGTM, and S321 are shown strategizing. “So, who’ll it be?” QOS asks.

“Well obviuslee mr e,” says FHGTM. “he kidnapeed you.”

“Aw, I thought we agreed to vote Space out,” says S321. “YOU GUYS PROMISED!”

“sux to suk.”

Mr. E is seen walking up to Gideon and Space. “So, guys, who is it? FHGTM? He’s pretty useless.”

Gideon looks at Mr. E incredulously. “Really? You’re asking us who to vote for after ALL of that?”

“Well, we ARE in an alliance,” says Mr. E. “Dummy.”

Space smiles. He is shown in the confessional. “Looks like my alliance has a choice. Either take out Mr. E, who’s all the sudden a psychopathic dick, but who’s also willing to vote with us, or FHGTM, who’s completely useless. I think this’ll be fun.”

Tribal Council

Towelie is shown at the Tribal Council area, where he Bigdongs enter. He is, as usual, smoking a lot of weed. He faints.

The Bigdongs sit there for a moment. “So… now what?” Epic asks.

“I guess I’ll act as the host,” says Gideon. “Since I’m responsible. Anyway, everyone just vote, I’ll read them afterwards.”

Everyone is seen going up to vote one by one.

Gideon gets the urn and reads the votes. “One vote Mr. E.”

“Two votes Mr. E… in fact all of these are for Mr. E except one that says… ‘Authority’.”

“Screw authority, yo,” says QOS, flashing a gang sign.        

“Really? I’d expect that from Epic…” says Gideon. “Well, Mr. E, you’re out. Bye.”

“Wow, Gideon,” says Mikey. “You suck at hosting.”

Mr. E’s Final Words

 “You may be wondering… what the hell was that? Well, I got an INV last episode, so I knew I had no chance of winning. So I decided I’d have an OTTN breakout episode.”

Chapter Four: "Mitt Romney?"

Coming soon...

Elimination Table

# Contestant 1 2 3
TBA Brandon IN IN WIN
TBA Epic WIN WIN IN
TBA FHGTM WIN WIN IN
TBA Gideon WIN WIN IN
TBA Jay IN IN WIN
TBA JER IN IN WIN
TBA Kevvy LOW IN WIN
TBA Mikey WIN WIN IN
TBA QOS WIN WIN IN
TBA Reddy IN LOW WIN
TBA S321 WIN WIN IN
TBA Space WIN WIN IN
TBA TAU IN IN WIN
14th Mr. E WIN WIN OUT
15th Sprink IN OUT
16th Mana OUT

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