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Saturday Night Online is a fanfiction, based off of Total Drama and Saturday Night Live. Each week, there's a new host and that host will appear in many of the ten-fifteen sketches planned for that week. This fanfiction was started by Webkinz Mania.

This story is rated R.
It is not suggested you read it if you are sensitive to violence, swearing, or explicit content.

February 5, 2011: Lindsay Lohan

Cold Open

This was written by Tdifan1234.

As the camera started to roll, two teenagers ran on stage, one an energetic boy wearing a pink shirt and a cowboy hat, and the other a calm female in blue, and the crowd started going wild.
“Hey, dudes! Welcome to the very first episode of a new show called Saturday Night Online!” the boy said enthusiastically. “Isn’t it great to have another hosting gig, Bridge?”
“Yes, because your last one went so well,” another teen said sarcastically as he started walking on stage. He was short, and wore a dark red sweater vest with khaki pants.
“Noah, why are you such a hater? You just gotta learn to relax, dude. This is a comedy show!” he replied.
“Whatever, I’ll be backstage if you need me,” Noah said as he rolled his eyes and walked off stage.
“Anyway, Geoff, Should we tell the audience what the show’s about?” Bridgette asked.
“Sure, babe. Saturday Night Online is a collection of comedy skits written by several totally awesome authors acted out by us, the cast of Total Drama! New episodes will air every week, and each episode will feature an awesome celebrity guest star!” Geoff said.
“Alright, I think you covered everything. Hope you all enjoy the first episode!” Bridgette said as the couple left the stage.
"Wait! You guys!" said Lindsay Lohan, running to the stage.
"They totally forgot to say LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!" said Lohan.
"Wrong... wrong... wrong" said Courtney.
"Fine, it's just the dress rehearsal!" said Lohan.
"It's the real deal" said Courtney.
"Twenty five hundred dollars please! To pay for the necklace they gave me!" said Lohan.
"You just don't get it" said Courtney, walking angrily away.
Lindsay pointed at Courtney. "Harsh, she'll be in Weekend Update. That'll go well" she said sarcastically.
"The top story... LIVE FROM CALIFORNIA, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT ONLINE!" said Lohan.
"You said it all wrong!" said Alejandro.
"You say it then" winked Lohan.
"LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT ONLINE!" said Alejandro, for the very first time in fanfiction history!

Monologue

This was written by Webly.

The crowd is seen arguing and confused.
Lindsay Lohan runs onto the stage and trips right before she could get to the microphone.
After a few minutes, she gets up and says, “Why are the audience f-ing cats?” She scrunches her eyes. “Wait, I see P. Diddy in the audience so I’m not alone.”
One of the so called “cats” raised their paw. It asks, “Are you drunk?”
“Oh god, one of the cats just talked! I must be dreaming.” Lindsay pinches herself. “Holy crap that hurt. P. Diddy let’s escape!”
“Hey, I was talking to you!” The same “cat” that was talking before screeched.
Lindsay Lohan stepped back and held the microphone tight. She explained, “Don’t think I won’t throw this at you.” She stopped for a moment. “Do I look drunk?”
The audience nodded.
Lindsay turned around so her back faced the audience. She yelled. “Now, I see the band members as distorted clowns!” She runs off stage.
One of the producer’s walks onto the stage shocked without much to say. He finally clarifies, “Lindsay is a little drunk at the moment. So, what she was trying to say is that Lindsay Lohan is here tonight and…”
He was interrupted by Lindsay, who was sprinting to the producer. She says, “YES! I finally found the bathroom!”
"We have a great show for you, so stick around" said the producers.

The Miley Cyrus Show

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

The Miley Cyrus Show logo appears on the screen, as the audience clapped and cheered for Miley Cyrus (played as Lindsay Lohan) sat down.
The audience soon stopped clapping and Lohan still stared.
"Do something!" said someone in the audience.
"Oh yeah! Shello! It's... what's my name again?" said Lohan, confused.
"Miley..." whispered Tyler.
"Shello! It's Miley or whatever that guy said! This is the show where I, Nemo like, talks to cool people, who have cool lives, which I think is like so cool!"
"Sure is" said Billy Cyrus (played as Harold) said.
"Daad, I know you won't take me seriously... just stop messing up my show! I don't want to go all Jackie Chan on you... I think you'll get a yellow eye" said Lohan.
"Alright, alright... I'll like... stay calm, my sunshine" said Harold. Lohan growled.
"So like anyways... I am gonna do this super awesome cool new sketch called Let's See What Happens After a Famous Celebrity Used Drugs for my like, really special comedy montage. You already saw me and how high I got... and my sister Lohan Lindsay and how she got all crack-y and bitchy, but let's see other celebrities like..." said Lindsay Lohan.
"Let's start off with Hillary Clinton! She's a nice lady who is power crazy! Let's see what'll happen when she used drugs" she continued.
A picture of Hillary pushing Obama is shown in the oval office, followed by her hiding his body under his desk, follow by she sitting down and adding a "President Clinton" sign.
"Oooooooooh" said Lindsay Lohan. "Did you guys know I drew that? Ha, you couldn't tell! I went to art school for five minutes and had an eraser stuck up my nose".
"Miley, you are like my rolemodel. I wanted to try that out, but you stepped in at the last second and said no" said Harold, laughing.
Lindsay rolled her eyes, before her cellphone rang and said: "Haha! I'll go get it!"
Lohan answered and said: "I don't? That's no... a movie? Tomorrow? I am in Texas! Wait, I am not?"
"Miley, you are in New York!" said Billy Cyrus, with his band members (played as Owen, Duncan and Justin behind Please say a huge shello to Joe Jonas!" said Lohan.
Joe Jonas (played by Tyler) walked out and said: "Hey". Tyler licked his finger and fixed his hair.
"I have been a big fan of you since I went to the bar for the first time and told everyone to stop drinking beer" said Lohan.
"Yeah, poor Miley got beat up" said Harold.
"Dad, keep my life secret! That WikiLeaks guy will probably write this info down and maybe steal me from the car trunk!" said Lohan.
Tyler looked confused.
"Joe... how does it feel to..." said Lohan.
A few seconds went by and Lohan didn't continue her question.
"Errr... Mi..." said Tyler.
"What's... new with you and your sis... brothers?" said Lohan.
"Well, we are quite upset that JONAS has ended" said Tyler.
"It has?!" said Lohan.
"Yeah..." said Tyler, a bit upset.
"YES! MY TIMESLOTS FOR BANNA MONTANA!" said Lohan.
"It's Hannah Montana, sweetie" said Harold.
"Gee, thanks" said Tyler, sarcastically.
"No problem! Like anyways, I have some more questions for you. How does it feel to be in a Disney television show and like who's your favorite brother and like do you have a secret sister and like what's your secret sister's name and like can I be your secret sister and like who is your secret sister dating and like did she dump her yet and like why did eat all of that pizza that was for my dad and like are you from China?" said Lohan.
"For question one (which I can not believe I still remembered), it's great! It's awesome to sing songs with my brother and use crack off screen to make us act cooler" said Tyler.
"I used crack and I should be in jail liiiike right now" said Lohan.
"That's good for you" said Tyler.
"I wish I was in a Disney show..." said Lohan, pouting.
"Weren't you in Hannah Montana?" said Tyler.
"But I divorced my agent or whatever and now, I am breaking down!" said Lohan.
"Isn't that a bad thing?" said Tyler.
"What do you know, Mike? Joe..." said Lohan.
"A lot more than you" said Tyler.
"Next question... what do you..." said Lohan.
Lohan froze yet again.
"Yip? Yip? Yip yip yip!" said Tyler.
"Stop doing that" said Lindsay Lohan.
"What's my question?" said Tyler.
"What question?" said Lindsay Lohan.
"The one you were about to ask me!" said Tyler.
"What?!" said Lindsay Lohan. "Have you been drinking?"
"No" said Tyler.
"I haven't! But I smoke pots... and that nice stuff" said Lindsay Lohan.
"You do? Wouldn't you be grossed out?" said Tyler.
Lindsay Lohan smacked Tyler. "I am a fricking tomboy, fool".
"You are a Florida ditch pig" said Tyler. Lohan gasped.
"Miley... I think you should go to medical care" said Billy.
"No, I am fine. Remember the time you stopped the car and I cracked my head open?" said Lohan.
"That was supposed to be a secret!" said Billy.
"What was?" asked Lohan.
"The time I stopped the car and you cracked your head open!" said Billy.
"THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET!" cried Lohan.
"My public image will be ruined thanks to you dad!" she continued.
"Your public image is already ruined" said Tyler.
Ignoring Tyler, she continued: "Dad! This is all your fault".
"You need to buckle your seat in the car!" he said.
"But, then, instead of taking me to a hospital, you accidentally took me to the Grey's Anatomy set" said Lohan.
"You actually made that episode instead of that girl who had rabies" smiled Billy.
"Hey, hey, err... Joe. Want to see the clip?" said Lohan.
"I'd rather... not" said Tyler.
"That's a yes to me!" said Lohan, rolling the clip.
Sandra Oh (played by Eva) pushed around the hospital in a stretcher.
"Oh my god, this is like a medical movie and stuff like that and it's not like a show and stuff like that and I am gonna die and you guys should be move faster and I am having a lot of fun doing this and stuff like that and..." said Lohan.
"Can you shut up? You've been doing that for the past twenty minutes and it's really annoying" said Eva.
"And you have a sad face like twenty four seven and stuff like that and your friend died and stuff like that and you should get a boyfriend that won't divorce you and stuff like that and..." said Lohan.
"Oh, you are gonna be sad, oh boy" said Eva, pushing Lohan into a room and begun to do surgery on her, as Lohan screamed really loud offscreen.
"I think we need a chainsaw, since it's that serious" said Eva.
"And that chainsaw is just a prop like that... and..." said Lohan, as Eva moved the chainsaw closer and closer.
Lohan screamed louder, as Tyler looked away. Lohan stopped the tape.
"Finally" said Owen, in the background.
"You are the bravest girl ever!" said Harold.
"Wow, like you made me stop before I smiled and you saw my face!" said Lohan.
"I am so sorry" said Tyler, sarcastically.
"Well, it's like fine. I don't think you would like my face though. It was all like... granny looking" said Lohan.
"You will be my darling forever" said Harold.
Lindsay Lohan stared again for another minute as her father coughed.
"That fly was bugging me, even though it was out the window" she said.
"Yeah, we don't need another Ashlee Simpson" said Tyler.
"I am not Ashlee Simpson! I am... am..." said Lohan.
"Miley Cyrus?" said Tyler.
"What you said..." said Lohan.
"Can we do the song now?" smiled Harold.
"Fiiiiiine" said Lohan.
"I got guests and a show... so I guess that's pretty cool!" they sung. Lohan was unenthusiastic, while Harold was.
"AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!" screamed Harold and Tyler.
"Ow, I think you broke my hearing aid" said Lohan, holding her ears.

T.G.I.F.

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

Lindsay Lohan waved at Courtney, who walked in the elevator, Thursday.
"Hey Courtney, you getting your lines ready for Update?" said Lohan.
"Not really" said Courtney.
The ride up the elevator was slow...
Lindsay Lohan then said: "T.G.I.F, huh?"
"S.H.I.T." said Courtney.
"Shit?" said Lindsay Lohan.
"Sorry Honey, It's Thursday" facepalmed Courtney, walking out of the elevator quickly.

Important Information

This was written by Weblykinly.

A room with knick-knacks and very odd toys were shown with the toys was a disturbed looking lady.
The lady (Courtney) wore an ugly red sweater vest that definitely hadn’t been cleaned in a long time.
She looked at her note cards and realized she was on air. She explained, “Hello, my name is Molly Oteri and I’m here to tell you how to survive life tomorrow in this wonderful thing I like to call Important Information! In this bit, I will tell you the most vital things that you will need to know to survive every day life. Like what happened today at my daughter’s school. Watch the clip”.
An absurd looking red head (Lindsay Lohan) appeared on the screen that looked nothing like her mother.
She was picking her nose while walking towards a wall. She stopped picking her nose and ran into the wall. She then walked to the other side and ran into another wall. People stopped and stared at the girl.
The clip then ended.
“Now, right now you are probably thinking what was so wrong with what she was doing”. Molly says. “Now, watch the clip again.”
It shows Lohan running into the walls again. Molly then stopped the clip.
“Now right here you see my hot daughter, Anna running into the walls and what is so wrong with that. Well, today I learned that, while walking in between walls, you aren’t supposed to run into them. Now how weird is that? Why? It can affect your brain and you actually can have brain damage, making you stupider than you already are. It also says here to buy milk and not the low-fat kind because you don’t want to be constipated again. Wait, I think that’s the wrong note card. Okay, I remember where I am now. As I was saying running into walls is not a very good idea anymore. That’s it today for important information so remember I’ll be here again telling you how to survive life tomorrow.”

iLindsay

This was written by Weblykinly.

“Hello, my name is Sadie” a plump short girl with ponytails says.
The girl next to her was dressed in the same clothes but was taller and skinny explains, “And my name is like Katie.”
“And this is iLindsay!” They both say at the same time.
“This show is all about Lindsay Lohan,” Sadie explains. “Why? Well, it’s because we’re Lindsay Lohan’s biggest fan’s she’s ever had. And that’s what this show is all about.”
“First on our show we have like a really extra awesome surprise,” Katie states. “Roll the clip, Zeke.”
The cameraman Ezekiel drops the camera down. He admits, “I’m sorry girls, I just had a big booger waiting to be picked.”
“That’s like really gross Ezekiel, especially because this happens every webisode. Please pick up the camera and roll the awesome clip!” Sadie demands.
Ezekiel picks the camera back up and wipes the booger on the lens. The clip starts rolling of a little baby around the age of one at a grocery store. She is in a shopping cart being wheeled by a careless adult. She gives an evil smile to the hidden camera almost knowing as if it were in plain sight. She then holds up “the finger” toward the camera but it’s edited out. She then takes a bag of chips and puts it in her oversized baby pocket in her overalls and then pretends like nothing happened.
“Wasn’t that an uber video?” Sadie questions the viewing world. “I, for one, think that was like so cool we got Lindsay Lohan shoplifting for the first time! And, she actually stole something worth it.” Sadie stuffs a handful of potato chips in her mouth and half of them fall out. “Yummy!”
“Lindsay was so cute when she was a baby. I mean how can we not smile at a bald one year-old giving the camera her first middle finger, not knowing that she’d do it more than once again in the future.” Katie says.
“Next on our show we’ll talk about a fight that I obviously won,” Sadie explains smiling at the camera.
“Um… a fight I totally won!” Katie retorts pushing Sadie out of the way of the camera. “So, this week we were fighting about how many times Lindsay Lohan’s been to jail and I was like 20 and then Sadie was like 7. We’ve barely been talking all week.”
Lindsay Lohan struts into the room and falls. She quickly gets back up and says, “Can we just get to the part where I’m interviewed? I don’t want to look at the shriveled up animal in the bathtub.”
“That was my grandma,” Sadie cries while folding her arms. She then notices it’s the star of the show.
“LINDSAY!” Katie and Sadie yell trampling her in hugs. “What are you doing here?”
“Hm… let’s see. You forced me to come on this show and if I didn’t you would kill me and my twin which for clarification, I don’t have. Why do people constantly ask me about her?”
“I don’t know, maybe because you guys appeared in a movie together!” Sadie says smirking.
Katie stomped her foot onto Lindsay’s.
“OW!” Lindsay shrieked.
Katie makes clear, “You only were forced by death to come to this show because you wouldn’t respond to our e-mail’s and to answer our question, how many times have you been to jail? But, first we attach you to a chair so you’ll leave this place when we’re finished with you.”
“Lindsay’s been to jail totally like seven times,” Sadie mutters to herself.
“I heard that,” Katie says attacking Sadie.
Lindsay starts to think. She didn’t know herself how many times she went to jail. She shrugged knowing that’d she’d lie.
“Oh my god, would you guys please shut up? Right now, I’m taking consideration of death.” Lindsay yelled at the two BFFFL’s.
“Well,” Sadie says while she and Katie stop fighting. “We do only have five minutes left until my mom takes up this room for yoga. So, how many times have you been arrested?”
Lindsay rolls her eyes and informs them, “I’ve been to jail 6 or 7 times, I kind of lost track at 4.”
“It’s not 20?” Katie asks.
Lindsay looked hurt. She questioned, “Well, sure I’ve been to rehab and jail more than the average Joe, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.”
“We know you’re not a bad person,” Sadie says while rubbing her back. “We just know that you’re a mentally unstable person.”
Lindsay starts attacking Sadie and Katie from the chair she’s glued to. Ezekiel puts the camera to his face. “Um… I think this is the end of the show, eh? Come here next time, if there is a next time on iLindsay.”

I Kissed a Girl

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

"Lately, Katy Perry's songs have been scarier and sexier by each day!" said Alejandro.
"First, she sings about girls kissing girls! And Snooki probably hated that as much as she hated Miami!" he continued.
Snooki appeared in a flashback saying: "I HATE MIAMI!"
"Then, she sings about girls on the beach eating cotton candy while shaking their... breasts!" Alejandro continued.
"Now, she sings about the parts of your body that can and will explode! Which is kinda interesting for younger kids that want to learn about that stuff... just like meh.... FOCUS! FOCUS!" said Alejandro.
"But, if you thought Katy Perry couldn't get any naughter! She did!" said Alejandro.
"She now sings songs about having pig sex... can't even see her... doing that" said Alejandro.

Katy Perry (played by Bridgette) twisted in a circle twice holding a pig, before she sung.
I had sex with a pig and I liked it!
The big snort.
And the huge ass was kinda cute, you bet!
I had sex with a pig and I liked it!
I am glad Russel Brand didn't see it yet!

"Well, I bet he saw it now!" said Alejandro, laughing.
"But that guy shouldn't be talking himself. He wanted to have sex with a dolphin before" said Alejandro.
"But if you thought that song was bad, listen to this!" he continued.

Katy Perry twisted in a circle twice while being slapped by two kids, before she sung.
I watched some kids and I liked it!
I got paid only a dollar in total for the eight hours it took for me to handle them.
I watched some kids and I liked it!
I nearly went to the hospital with a black eye!
Stop trying to go in my shirt to get my cellphone!
"Kids, I am not a cookie jar!"

"Oh my" said Alejandro.
Luigi then said: "LOTS OF SPAGHETTI!" out of nowhere.
"And I thought Lindsay Lohan couldn't handle children" said Alejandro.
"Hey!" said Lindsay Lohan, angrily.
"You can buy these songs in Katy Perry's new album I Screwed Up with songs like I Cleaned the Lawn, I Sung Naughty Songs, I Ate Some Dirt and the ultimate... I Did Your Mom.

Katy Perry twisted in a circle twice while being slapped by two kids, before she sung.
I did your mom and I liked it!
She was so good, even though I married Russell Brand.
I did your mom and I liked it!
And she nearly beat me into pieces.
Now, off to do those nieces!

"What a terrible influence?!" said Alejandro.
Luigi repeated: "LOTS OF SPAGHETTI!"
"Reviews say this is the most unpopular Katy Perry album EVER!" said Alejandro.
"RollingStone says they'd rather watch KeSha's brother cry at her daughter's bad songs! And I think thanks to this, Steve Jobs is moving himself anywhere away from Katy Perry!" said Alejandro.

Weekend Update

This was written by Kate4TDWT and Webkinz Mania.

"It's Cody!" said Cody.
"I'm Courtney and you are not" said Courtney.
"And here is the fake news!" they both said together.
"It’s really snowy in New York City, which means everyone is indoors... but where? The clubs. Please welcome our city correspondent, Stefon" said Cody.
Trent (as Stefon) appears next to Cody and says "Hey".
"How are you, Stefon?" asked Cody.
"Good" says Stefon, fixing his hair.
"So, lots of people are heading to New York for the upcoming season of spring. Could you tell us about what they could look forward to?" said Cody.
"New York’s hottest club is Grace. We have wind-chimes, dandelions, camels that look like Gary Busey and human faucets!" said Stefon.
"Now, what is a human faucet?" said Cody.
"It’s when a midget has a really long nose and put water up it. Then, they put it up some guy's ass" said Stefon, fixing his hair.
"That sounds grea..." said Cody.
"Can I add something else?" said Stefon.
"Err... sure?" said Cody.
"It's kinda hard to tell the difference between the guy's face and his ass" said Stefon.
"Riiiight. But we are looking for places that a family could go to. Like, Rockefeller Center or..." said Cody.
"Family... Got it! New York’s hottest club is Thrice. There are murps, dancers that are nude, leeps, and a krepton!" said Stefon.
"What is a kepton?" said Cody.
"It is a very tall, fat, octopus" said Stefon.
"Can you be more specific?" asked Cody.
"Sure. Courtney" said Stefon. Cody chuckled, quietly.
"I don't go to clubs!" said Courtney.
"Because that sounds….really creepy, we need you to think of something else. Something family friendly. What if these foreign people from let's say... Fiji come. What would they do?" said Cody.
"Not last a day" said Stefon.
"What about ice-staking, or a basketball game!" said Cody.
"New York’s hottest club is Beep. We have baseballs as hard as Miss Piggy, markers with no color, and just when you think the fun is done, look who it is… Mr. Spicy Tuna Roll!" said Stefon.
"Who?" said Cody.
"It’s a fat, good-looking, man, who works out at his deli" said Stefon.
"Despite that all of that sounds like a crack addict’s nightmare, I’m glad you were here Stefon, and I think we’ll be seeing a lot of you" said Cody.
"Yay, Stefon!" said Stefon, rolling his chair and himself away.
"Thank the lord that he's done. Let's get back to some actual news, with our travel correspondent, Judy Grimes!" said Courtney, as the audience clapped.
Judy Grimes (played as Izzy) rolls in and says quickly and quietly "Hiiiiiiiii".
"Hey Judy... the last time you came, you barely got us anywhere" said Courtney.
"I knew that!" said Izzy.
"Just kidding, I don't!"
"Just kidding, I did, but I forgot!"
"Just kidding, I didn't forget, since I wrote it down!"
"Just kidding, I didn't, since I had no pen!"
"Just kidding, I did have a pen. It was red!"
"Just kidding, it was a blue pen!"
"Just kidding, it was a white pen with a yellow stripe!"
"Just kidding, there was no stripes or pens at all. It was actually a pencil!"
"Just kidding, I wrote it down with a marker!"
"Just kidding, just kidding..."
"Judy, can you STOP BEING SO FRICKING NERVOUS?" said Courtney.
"Doing that won't help" said Cody, sitting next to Judy and winking.
"Judy, let's go through some basic steps to help you resolve this phobia!" smiled Cody.
"Sure!" said said Judy Grimes.
"Just kidding, I won't listen".
"Just kidding, I will listen, but you aren't the boss of me".
"Just kidding, this is school and I don't want detention".
"Just kidding, it isn't, but I will be fined for swearing".
"Just kidding, I won't, since I am just like Pacman".
"Just kidding, I am not like Pacman, since I am a woman".
"Just kidding, I am secretly a man. Want me to pull down my pants?"
"Just kidding, I won't, because I am not that gross".
"Just kidding, I am, because I went skydiving naked!"
"Just kidding, I didn't do that since I was too scared".
"Just kidding, I didn't do it because I forgot to get my clothes".
"Just kidding, I didn't do it because I forgot to call my wife!"
"Just kidding, I don't have a wife!"
"Just kidding, just kidding..."
"Wow... if you can say all of that, I bet you can give us the latest on travel!" said Cody.
"Fine, I'll do it just for you" said Judy Grimes.
"Great! You can start no..." said Cody.
"Just kidding, I'll do it for her too!"
"Just kidding, I'll do it for her only! Sit in the corner!"
"Just kidding, sit in a box to think of your future!"
"Just kidding, you don't have a future".
"Just kidding, I am the one who has no future".
"Just kidding, I have a future, but I hate owning people on national TV".
"Just kidding, it's international TV".
"Just kidding, it's only for the United States. Whoops!"
"Just kidding, I knew that the entire time. It was like a test and I got a 100!"
"Just kidding, I only got an 80".
"Just kidding, I flunked and got a 30".
"Just kidding, I did horrible and got a 0".
"Just kidding, I got extra credit!"
"Just kidding, extra credit doesn't exist".
"Just kidding, I just invented it! I, Judy Grimes invent extra credit for schools!"
"Just kidding, I just invented it for jobs".
"Just kidding, I only invented it for your chore chart".
"Just kidding, my kids don't have chores".
"Just kidding, I don't even have kids!"
"Just kidding, I will expect one next week!"
"Just kidding, I shouldn't be here if I am having a kid next week!"
"Just kidding, I should, since it's not that important".
"Just kidding, it is important and I should leave now!"
"Just kidding, I should stay and finish this!"
"Just kidding, what do I have to loose?"
"Just kidding, I know what I have to loose and it's everything!"
"Just kidding, I still have the keys to my car!"
"Just kidding, I can't drive a car! I crashed it into a cone!"
"Just kidding, I didn't crash it into a cone! I crashed it into a tree!"
"Just kidding... just kidding..." said Judy Grimes, as the audience clapped in the background.
Courtney facepalmed herself.
"Judy Grimes!" said Cody, as Judy Grimes said "just kidding" as she rolled away.
The audience clapped.
"Let's now go to some accurate and actual news, why don't we?" said Courtney.
"Nope, we are out of time!" said Cody.
"But what about hating on Duncan?! And Gwen?! And the rest of them?!" said Courtney.
"We'll do that next week on Weekend Update!" said Cody.

Ashlee Simpson Songs

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

"Ladies, human parking cones and Gentlemen" said Lindsay Lohan.
A midget covered in orange paint waved.
"I want you guys to hear a song from a special guest to celebrate the fact that this is the last episode of Saturday Night Online" said Lohan.
"Ashlee Simpson!" The audience clapped and cheered.
Ashlee Simpson (played by Gwen) begun to move back and forth, with her microphone next to her hips.
Suddenly, audio begun to play: "On a Monday I am waiting".
Gwen looked behind her at the band and looked at the audience.
"Tuesday, I am fading".
"And by Wednesday I can't sleep".
Gwen looked at the clock and at Lohan.
"Then the phone rings, I hear you".
Gwen then begun to do a hoedown and started to run in place.
"And the darkness is a clear view".
Gwen did pushups, as her band begun to play along, by playing different music.
Suddenly, the band stopped and so did Gwen. She gasped.
"Oh my god! NO!" said Gwen.
"I totally was not ready! I thought that was the practice rehearsal, so I thought I'd do a hoedown!"
"It is" said Lohan.
"Not really, I told you five times within the last twenty minutes before you begun" said Duncan.
"Well, it was annoying" said Gwen.
"I asked you if I was being annoying and you said no" said Duncan.
"I am known to lie" said Gwen.
"You said you were dead serious" said Duncan.
"Oh my god. No, it's totally not your fault. The cameraman zoomed in too much!" said Gwen.
"Toward your breasts or what? Since I'd never zoom in on Ugly Betty" said Alejandro.
Gwen made a really screwed face.
"Well, it was my band's fault. I think the drum player accidentally played the audio and played the wrong drums!" said Gwen.
"HEY! It works hard to play these drums!" said Harold.
"Oh, I meant... Lindsay announced me the wrong way. My name is Ashlee Simson. I'm a Sims 3 player!" said Gwen.
"Yeaaaaah" said Lohan.
"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. It's not your fault, it was my microphone's fault!" said Gwen.
"It hates me!" she continued.
The microphone (voiced by Owen) said: "Not really".
"I know I shouldn't blame objects. Maybe my iPod was on shuffle and played it by accident!" said Gwen.
"You broke it" said Duncan.
"Well, my daddy said that I should lip sync to get money and stuff and--" said Gwen.
Suddenly, Ashlee's dad (played by Geoff) walks out.
"Oh, hey dad!" said Gwen.
"Ashlee, you know I did not tell you to do that" said Geoff.
"Dad, be cool. We all know you are lying" laughed Gwen.
"No, you are. You lip synced" said Geoff.
"The girls are doing peer pressure I tell you!" said Gwen.
"Which girls?" said Geoff.
"Marcy, Amy and Jessica!" said Gwen.
"Marcy and Amy are dead. Didn't you run them over with your van?" said Geoff.
"That totally wasn't me! It was Jessica!" said Gwen.
"Jessica is at the Super Bowl making everyone clap and cheer instead of boo" said Geoff.
"Meanwhile, you are stuck here in this rotten studio doing a crappy lip sync" said Duncan.
"I was just playing my song, the right way!" said Gwen.
"This thing you call a song is what I call crap!" said Duncan.
Gwen made another screwed face.
"Now Ashlee... you need to stop blaming your others for your actions" said Geoff.
"I am so sorry. The pink circle was like beer to me and I looked at it too much and I begun to blame everyone!" said Gwen, looking at the pink circle.
"I am looking at that pink circle and I am not changing" said Geoff.
"Your hair is" said Gwen.
"Please don't do this ever again, Ashlee" said Geoff.
"I won't! Alright?! But let's just draw to conclusions and blame my band! This mistake will never happen again" said Gwen.
"Alright" said Geoff, strangling Gwen to the floor.
"I'm sorry for that mistake. Now, let's pretend nothing happened" said Geoff.
The audience cheered.

Work Rights

This was written by Totalcartoonfan09.

Lindsay Lohan and her fellow classmates were sitting in class doing an assignment proposed by their teacher, Mr. Mclean.
"Ugh I'm tired of doing useless work that Mclame doesn't even grade correctly!" stated an angry Lindsay. "I'm taking a stand!" She continued as stood up on her desk and began to sing.
I came to talk- talk- talk- talk.
I'm not here to learn.
So put down that chalk- chalk- chalk- chalk.
I'm getting bored so I might just walk- walk- walk- walk.
Out of here but the door is locked- locked- locked- locked.
Dang-it.
This class is way to longgg.
So to pass the time i'll sing this songgg.
Yeah!
I throw my work up in the air sometimes.
Sayin' heck no, i'll take a zero.
Just wanna' socialize and live my life.
Sayin' Ayo, no more work-o.
We will ball it up.
'Cus we've had enough.
We will start a fight.
And throw with all our might.
We have told you once.
We won't tell you twice.
If you give us more.
You'll have to pay the price!
"Lindsay..." Mr. McLean said annoyed.
"What?!" Lindsay replied as she angrily turned around to face the teacher.
"...Sit down" he continued.
"Okay" Lindsay said in defeat as she slowly sat back in her seat.

Good Nights

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

"Thank you to the cast, the crew, my lawyer, my dog, my bad, my mom, my sister, my dead grandfather. Happy birthday George Bush! THIS IS THE FINAL EPISODE! GOOOOD NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" said Lindsay Lohan, as the band begun to play.

February 12, 2011: Justin Bieber

Cold Open

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

Elmo (played by Justin Bieber), Maria (played by Courtney) and Alan (played by Trent) were all in Hooper's Store.
"Who's ready for today's special?!" smiled Trent.
"Me! Me! Me!" said Justin Bieber.
"Elmo, calm your hidden breasts" said Courtney.
"No, batch! Calm yourself" said Justin Bieber.
"Guys, relax. Today's special is french toast!" said Trent.
"Are they really from France?" said Bieber.
"No, it's just French Toast" said Trent.
"Well, what's so special about it?" said Courtney.
"I am using a special oven!" smiled Trent.
"Elmo can't use oven!" said Bieber.
"Why not?" said Trent.
"Well, even though Elmo has another five puppets and you can't see Elmo's cock, Elmo could burn and go to hell!" said Bieber.
"Time to check on the french toast" said Trent, walking to the back room.
Several people (Cody, Owen, Heather, Geoff, Bridgette, Sierra, Chef) ran out of the store.
"Where did they go?" said Bieber.
"I think they wanted to see Cockie Monster before he went on his monster period. Get it?" said Courtney.
Bieber nodded no.
Trent ran out of the back room, with smoke.
"Guys! I kinda set a time bomb!" said Trent.
"What the hell?" said Maria.
"Alright, let's all just chill! It's off, but there's a fire!" said Trent.
"ELMO'S GONNA DIE AND HE'S ONLY 38!" said Bieber.
"There was never a fire in this store before! What do I do?!" said Trent.
"Well, I want Mr. Handjob back" said Maria.
"It's Handford" said Elmo.
"Let's not go down memory lane, Elmo" said Maria.
"I'm 71" said Maria.
Elmo gasped.
"Elmo 38!" said Bieber.
"Alan's dead" said Trent, collapsing.
"Alright, since we can just escape... why don't we just rob the store?" said Bieber.
"Yeah!" said Maria, taking tons of water.
"Water. It's healthy!" she advertised.
Bieber went to the fruit section and threw out bananas. Elmo then saw Bert (played by Leshawna) on the shelf.
"Get me the fuck outta here" said Leshawna.
Bieber gasped. "What happened?"
"A whole lotta stuff" said Leshawna.
"Well, thanks for talking with Elmo" said Bieber.
"No bitch! Wait" said Leshawna, as Bieber put some bananas back.
Firefighters arrived to the burning store and the firefighters dragged Alan out. Meanwhile, Courtney and Justin were tearing apart the store.
Courtney gobbled down the crackers.
Bieber put bread in his pants.
The fire spread drastically.
The firefighters sprayed water all over the store, as the street watched nervously.
The fire stopped and Courtney and Bieber had black all over their faces, looking like robbery masks.
"She did it" said Justin Bieber and Courtney at the same time.
Leshawna used her banana power to get out of the banana section and walked over to Bieber and Courtney.
"They both did it. And that's some messed up stuff" said Leshawna.
"BERT! YOU'RE ALIVE!" said Ernie (played by Cody), hopping on Leshawna.
"Hell no, get away from me. I ain't no welcome mat" said Leshawna.
Cody got up and said: "There's one important thing I want to say to you".
"What is it?" said Leshawna.
"LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT ONLINE!" screamed Cody.

Monologue

This was written by CrashMan 85.

A boy with his hair cut in a typical bowl fashion sat down on an oversized lounge chair and took a laptop from a side table.
“Hi. I’m Justin Bieber,” the boy said in a high pitched voice. “Oops… almost forgot to turn off my private stash of helium,” turning away from the camera and closing a valve.
“Remember kids, drugs are bad. So is alcohol. But helium’s alright. Anyway, when I’m not fending off female admirers or hair stylists, I like to read what people have to say about me.” With that, he opened the laptop.
“Now as we all know, Wikipedia is the most accurate source of information, ever. I mean, who knew that Miley Cyrus secretly worked as a stripper for five years? Or that Harry Potter’s middle name is awesome? I sure didn’t.
Now, I seem to have a lot of haters, but fortunately, I have my own secret wiki- Bieberpedia! And because I’m the only user, it’s 100% accurate!”
Bieber opened the page.
“See, nothing but the truth! Like how I wasn’t really born in Canada… I was dropped off by aliens! And how I plan to take over the world by brainwashing youth. Or even how my hair is alive! Or even how I was the youngest person to host Saturday Night Online at age twelve… What? You don’t think that this is real? Do you think a vandal messed with this page? Don’t be crazy.”
With that, the star’s voice grew very deep. “Just you wait…. Until your world is my world…” With an evil chuckle, a beam of light made him disappear.

Consuela

This was written by Neko-naito.

It was the day after the murder of Harold McGrady, and the police brought in four suspects: Mr. Lincoln, played by Owen, Widow Jenkins, played by Beth, Justin Bieber, and Consuela, played by Katie.
"All right, let's see what we have here." said Noah, the police officer "Our witness says that one of you is responsible for the murder of Harold McGrady. Now, if weren't a police officer, I'd be congratulating whoever did it. But since I am one, I'm supposed to question each and every one of you." He sighed. "The first person I'm going to interrogate is Justin Bieber.
"It wasn't me! I'm only 12! I still have hopes and dreams!" He sobbed.
"I dream about cat." Consuela added.
"That's... wonderful, Consuela. Justin, is it true that you were at the lazer tag place known as Lazar Quest yesterday?" Noah began.
"Yes, I-I was." Justin replied shakily.
"What exactly did you do there?"
"Played lazer tag, pushed some kid into a wall. Nothing out of the ordinary."
"Did you know Harold McGrady at all?"
Justin's face was blank. "Who?"
"The guy who was murdered?" Noah facepalmed.
"I have pee now." announced Consuela.
"Consuela, it's 'I have to go pee now' not 'I have pee now'." Noah spoke in an irritated tone.
"I still have pee now." She insisted and stood up. A hand coming from offstage told her to sit.
"I hate my job." Noah muttered to himself. "Anyway, next to be questioned is Widow Jenkins. Why were you at Lazar Quest, Ms.?"
"I was playing lazer tag, of course." She replied matter-of-factly.
"You're, like, 80."
"Well! I'd like to have some fun before I d... D..."
Just then, Widow Jenkins died.
"I go now." Consuela stated. The hand from before told her to sit down again.
"Okay, then. Mr. Lincoln, I understand that you were having a birthday party for your kid at Lazar Quest when Harold McGrady was killed?"
"Yes, that's true. Poor Gary was having fun, too, until Mr. Beaver over there pushed him into a wall!" Mr. Lincoln shouted.
"It was an accident!" Justin protested.
"Yeah, that's what he tells the press. But you should know that Gary has a scrape on his knee after what you did to him!"
"He was fat and wouldn't move out of my way!" Justin screamed.
"I'll be suing! You'll hear from my lawyer!" Mr. Lincoln yelled, before storming away.
"Gah, nothing's going right. Even worse the description of the killer keeps changing! Who's the witness, anyway?" Noah asked angrily.
Lindsay sat in another room, talking to Billy the Police Officer.
"Okay, so the guy had brown hair. Or blonde. Maybe red? I think it was purple!" Billy snapped his pencil in half in frustration.
"Okay, this is almost done. Consuela, why were you at Lazar Quest yesterday?"
"Sí." was her response.
"'Sí' isn't an answer."
"I have pee now. Sí." Consuela got up.
"No. Consuela, stay."
"Sí."
"So why were you at Lazar Quest?"
"No sè."
"No what?!"
"Sí."
"Consuela..."
"I sing now." Consuela stood up on her chair and started singing Spanish opera.
"Consuela, by law, I order you to sit."
"I go now." Consuela walked out of the room and wasn't stopped this time.
Noah merely sat in shock, defeated. "I... I give up. I hated Harold, anyways."
Justin sat in the chair, silent. After a few moments, he pulled out a gun, and shot Noah multiple times, killing him. He ran out, and police sirens wailed.

Who Can Sing?

This was written by Webly.

An angry girl runs on the stage. She glares at the audience frightening them all. She explains, “Hello, my name is Eva and welcome to another stupid singing show that I was forced to host. In this stupid program, we test three wannabe’s who think they are great singers and then I pick who’s the best although they usually suck. So now, welcome our three contestants Frankenstein, Justin Bieber, and Gilly.
They all walk in while audience members start to boo.
“Hey guys, don’t be mean to poor old Frankenstein,” Justin says trying to be helpful. A can is thrown at his head and hits him right in the schnoz. “OW! That’s the second time today that’s happened.
A member of the audience stands up. He hollers, “We weren’t boo-ing at Frankenstein, it was meant towards you.”
“Hey,” Eva yells. It very quickly gets quiet in the room. “Anyways in this edition of the show whoever can sing ‘Hot N Cold’ by Katy Perry the best wins and the prize is nothing! Frankenstein, you’re up first!”
Frankenstein walks to the center of the stage and grabs the microphone. He throws it on the ground scaring the audience.
Eva starts clapping from where she is. The audience stares at her. She explains, “A reality competition show has to have violence for it to be good. Anyone knows that.” They still stare at her. “Start the song!”
The camera’s on Frankenstein again as he starts to move a little. He started to sing skipping a lot of lyrics, “You...mind...girl...clothes...you...mess...bitch...know...you...think...speak...cally...know...are...me...hot...yes...in...up...wrong...black...fight...kiss...up...”
The song stops. Eva applauds, “Man, this guy should ruin ever episode of this show.” The audience stares at her again. “Anyways what was that Frankenstein?”
Frankenstein shrugs and returns to his seat. Justin Bieber is then up. The song picks up at where Frankenstein stopped.
Justin takes the microphone. He sings, “You, you don't really wanna stay, no.
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh.
'Cause you're hot and you're cold.
You're yes then you're no.
You're in and you're out.
You're up and you're down.
We used to be just like twins, so in sync.
The same energy now's a dead battery.
Used to laugh 'bout nothing, now you're plain boring.
I should know that you're not gonna change.”
The audience claps a little while Eva claps rapidly. She explains, “I love you Justin!” The audience stares at her again and then she gets the same old grin on her face. “Gilly, now Frankenstein and Justin Bieber tied for best so you need to bring it home girl!”
She nods and does a little dance while walking to the stage. She grabs the microphone and throws it at the producer and doesn’t change her expression.
The music starts playing and all she does is move her head up and down. She then jumps up and sings the rest of the song, “You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We hug, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh
You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love disorder
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride
You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
'Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
You're black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We hug, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
But you, you don't really wanna go, oh
You're hot and a bomb
You're yes gonna explode
You're in so don’t mo-ve
You're up not a clown.” The room explodes and Gilly is seen outside. “Sorry.”

Hey Kids, It's Storytime!

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

Bunnies hopped up and down with the logo Storytime.
The camera zooms on Duncan, who is holding a book.
"Hello, children. It is time to ready a story" smiles Duncan.
"Once upon a time, Old Man Sam convinced a bunch of guys to try something new. The guys gasped and wanted to try something new, since all of their life their pen... what?!" said Duncan, reading a bit ahead and looking shocked.
"Once upon a time, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall and had a great fall! Humpty Dumpty was left on the ground, since people thought he was dead, but he was alive. One day, a few women who were just released from jail wanted to hide his body and use it to have sex, like a se..." said Duncan, pausing and reading ahead, while looking shocked. Duncan flipped the page a few times.
"Once upon a time, Taylor went to a shop and found a date. They both become solemates until they married in 1993, when this book was released. They both had kids named after themselves, Taylor and Jenn. Author's Note: This story is actually real and those lesbians a... wait, WHAT?!" said Duncan, reading ahead and ahead. A stick smacked Duncan.
"YOU TRY READING STORIES TO KIDS FROM A BOOK SELECTED BY CODY!" yelled Duncan.
The opening logo appeared, with bunnies hopping. Suddenly, a hippo joined in the fun, but stomped on the bunnies.

Weekend Update

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

"Well, the baseball season has begun and the offseason was really dramatic. Here to make us wonder about the offseason and this upcoming season is Question Girl" said Courtney.
Eva rolled in next to Courtney and looked straight at the camera.
"Ya know, baseball is a really fun sport you can say at times" said Eva.
"No, it's not. Remember in 2001 when Derek Jeter hosted Saturday Night Live?" said Courtney.
A scene was shown with Derek Jeter hitting baseballs across the room.
"Not really" said Eva.
"I got hit by one!" said Courtney.
"Oh wow..." said Eva, rolling her eyes.
"You wouldn't feel bad?" asked Courtney.
"Not really. But first off, why was Derek Jeter shown to be the Joker for a month of the season?" said Eva.
"Maybe because he was greedy and asked for a lot o..." said Courtney.
"NOBODY ASKED YOU" screamed Eva.
"JUST LIKE HOW NOBODY ASKED BILLY WAGNER TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT AND JOIN A FRICKING TEAM! WHY DIDN'T HE SIGN WITH THE RAYS... OR THE PIRATES?!"
"Maybe because he had career ending surgery when he was retiring" said Courtney.
"Well, why didn't the doctors convince him to stop the Pirates from being so retarded in the standings?! HUH?!" said Eva.
"Why didn't Cliff Lee sign with the Rangers? Oh yeah, cause they SUCK".
"And the Red Sox got redder. Why did they sign Crawford when their outfield already is good? They should've let the Angels signed that... coward".
"And Victor Martinez got signed in the first minute! WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE MADE MORE DRAMA?! WHY ARE THE NATIONALS OVERPAYING PLAYERS... AGAIN?! WHY ARE THEY LOSING THEIR GOOD STARS, AKA ADAM DUNN?! WHY DO THE WHITE SOX HAVE A JAMMED FIRST BASE?! WHY?! WHY?! TELL ME".
"I didn't... care that mu..." said Courtney.
"Nobody asked you" said Eva.
"And also, why did Kerry Wood reject all of that damn money?!" said Eva.
"Well, we do have a scene that went through that process" said Courtney.
"We do? ROLL CLIP" said Eva.
A clip was shown with Kerry Wood (played by Justin Bieber) accepting a deal with the Cubs and nodding.
"Screw him and Cliff Lee!" said Eva.
"He rejected another twenty million dollars!"
"Er... Question Girl... everyone!" said Courtney.
"I AM NOT DONE!" yelled Eva.
"What about Rafel Soriano? And the Zack Grankie?! And Matt Garza?! And Carlos Pena?! And Matsui! I knew him! He owes me his lunch money still!" said Eva, a bit upset.
"Hideki Matsui?" said Courtney.
"Wikipedia it!" said Eva, passing Courtney a computer.
Courtney tried to go to Wikipedia, but it wouldn't load.
"IT'S NOT LOADING!" said Courtney, loudly.
"You are doing it all wrong, bitch" said Eva.
"You are the bitch asking all the questions" said Courtney.
"You are the bitch who wanted me to do that" said Eva.
"Bitches?" winked Cody.
"In conclusion, baseball this year looks like it's gonna suck more than George Bush leaving office" said Eva.
"Question Girl, everybody!" said Cody, as the audience clapped. Eva rolled away.
Courtney dropped her jaw and yelled, "Ugh!"
"Uh oh" said Cody.
"Why did we have to bring him out?" said Courtney.
"Time for... Drunk Guy" said Cody, as the audience clapped.
Geoff rolled his chair over and fell on Courtney's lap.
"Oh hello" said Courtney.
"Errr... Drunk Guy. What's new?" said Cody.
"Record" said Geoff.
"You... found a record?" said Cody.
Geoff nodded his head no.
"You ate a record?" said Cody.
"I broke a record" said Geoff.
"Well, what record was it?" said Cody.
"Most beers drank in an hour" said Geoff.
"How many did you drink?" said Cody.
"Fifties and nineties" said Geoff.
"Fifty nine hundred?" said Cody.
"Nooooooooooooo" said Geoff.
"Let him speak for himself" said Courtney.
"Fine" said Cody.
"One hundred errrrrrrrr... fatty" said Geoff.
"One hundred fatties?" said Cody.
"READ MY LAPS" said Geoff.
"Laps?" said Cody.
"MEH LAPS" said Geoff.
"READ THEM" he yelled.
"Well, I need you to take off your pants" said Cody.
Geoff took off his pants.
"It's a picture of how boobs feed babies" said Cody.
"You weren't supposed to see that one!" said Geoff, putting up his pants.
"So, where was it?" said Cody.
"It was just below it. It was as big as that bitch's nerve" said Geoff.
"I have a big nerve! He should've seen it then" said Courtney.
Geoff turned to Cody. "Let's go to the closet, hun" he winked.
"I don't think this is working out" said Cody.
"Just be like me! Quiet and so Courtney like" said Courtney.
"Want to play find the soap?" winked Geoff.
Courtney pushed Geoff to the floor.
Geoff got up. "You shoulda told me you hated that game!" he said.
"I think it's time for you to go..." said Cody.
"FIIIINE" he yelled, pushing Cody away.
"No, not Cody!" said Courtney.
Cody rolled into Geoff who rolled backstage.
"Let's play bumper cars!" said Geoff, bumping into Cody.
"No, no, no, no, no! We are not doing bumper cars in here!" said Courtney.
"You are getting it" said Cody, rolling his chair toward Geoff.
Geoff did the same and Courtney accidentally stayed in the middle and ended up falling down.
"STOP NOW!" she screamed.
"Now, can we play find the soap?" said Geoff.
Courtney slapped Geoff.
"Oh yah! I also won a record for beating" said Geoff.
"You beat your kids?" asked Cody.
"Noooo, I beat girls" said Geoff.
Courtney ran behind the producer.
"Dude... that's not right" said Cody.
"You need to flow with the girls and respect 'em" said Cody.
"I try to do that, but when I flow, I think of beer and then... I..." said Geoff. His eye twitched.
"Errrrr... right. Drunk Guy, let's do this" said Cody.
"Noooo, let's go to the closet first. Then, I'll do this" said Geoff.
"I clearly told you to come to discuss your record and now, you caused a wildhouse" said Cody.
"True that, I think I let the dogs out..." said Geoff.
A dog chased Courtney suddenly. "Fuck you, get him out!" said Courtney loudly.
"Well, let's try this out. Next time, when you come, make sure you are not drunk" said Cody.
"I'll try" said Geoff.
"Are you sure you can do this?" said Cody.
"Hell yeah I can" said Geoff.
"Good. Drunk Guy everyone!" said Cody, pushing Geoff away.
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" he said.
"Finally" said Courtney, returning to her seat, bloody. "I think we need a Drunk Guy ban..."
"Let's give him another chance. I'm sure he won't be that bad next time" said Cody.
"Back to the news. A new study finds a way that 2012 will actually be the last year of our lives. We'll all know we are dying soon when Internet Explorer isn't crappy" said Courtney.
The audience clapped and laughed, as Drunk Guy walked back.
"Uh oh, uh oh" said Cody.
"Get back there!" said Courtney.
"Like, which way is like the exit?" said Geoff.
"Why are you going?" said Courtney.
"I need to see the wife and kids" said Geoff.
"I don't think that's a good thing..." said Cody.
"No, it IS a good thing" said Courtney.
Courtney whispered to Cody: "He tried to eat my bra before we came in, so let's just get him out for good".
"Alright! That way" said Cody, pointing at two doors, walking to the right.
"Riiight, thanks!" said Geoff, walking to the right and opening the emergency exit door.
"Wrong door!" said Cody.
The alarm went out and the producer screamed and fainted.
"Cody! Why don't you be more specific next time?" facepalmed Courtney.
"Sorry" said Cody.
"Now, let's discuss how much I hate Gwen and Duncan" said Courtney.
"I am sorry, but we have ran out of time" said Cody.
"So now you say we run out of time? NOW?" said Courtney.
"This has been Weekend Update!" said a scared Cody.
Courtney growled.
"Don't hurt me!" said a scared Cody, as the audience clapped.

Celebrity Trash Talk with Barbara Walters

This was written by Webly.

An old lady appears on the screen with a grim look to the camera. Justin Bieber walks into the room and she forces a smile while shaking his hand. She says, “I’m so excited Justin Bieber is here today. Can’t you tell from my expression?”
Justin looks at her. He responds, “Not really.”
“Okay, let’s cut the crap and get to the questions,” Barbara says. “Now, today I’ll ask you quite a few questions that some of your crazed fans have been asking. Some of these questions may or may not offend you.”
Justin nods and does a look at the camera making people running by the studio scream. He smiles and Barbara slaps him in the face. “Why do people have to constantly torture my beautiful face?”
“That thing you call a beautiful face looks a little like my ass,” She explains. “And my ass is not a very pretty sight. Anyways, the first question is from a fan named Lindsay, “Hey Justin! I love you so much and I have your every CD.” She stops reading it. “Tell me something I don’t know.” She reads the rest of the paper. “I was wondering if you might want to go out with my friend Tyler. You guys would be a perfect couple.”
“WHAT? Did she just ask if I wanted to go out with a guy?” Justin asks shocked.
Barbara rolls her eyes. She replies, “No, Russell is a girl. Of course she just asked if you wanted to go out with her guy friend.”
“Um, okay,” Justin says tapping his foot on the ground.
“Are you going to get out with Russell or what?” Barbara questions him.
“Of course not,” Justin exclaims.
Barbara grins and says, “Okay, okay. On to the next question from Gwen, the question says ‘I hate you I just have one question, are you gay?”
“No, I’m not bisexual. I like girls!” He screeches madly.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Barbara says as a side comment.
Justin looks into the camera and explains, “I have a girl friend, her name is Selena Gomez and she is a very hot and nice woman. We’ve been going out for a while does Selena really sound like a guy name?”
“Touché, but I do think that she has to be on drugs to be dating you. I mean what kind of famous superstar would date some wannabe singer that most people think is a girl. I mean you already have the man boobs thing going.” Barbara reveals.
Justin feels around his chest and quietly mutters to himself, “They aren’t man boobs, right?”
Barbara gives the camera wide eyes and says, “Okay, next we have a question from two fans named Sadie and Katie. It reads ‘Oh gosh, I love you so much! Anyways, did you know there are three pages on facebook dedicated to people who hate you and you have a petition to ban you from the earth!’ Ooh people hate you. On the other hand, I just found out I’m the 500th signature.”
“I’m DONE with this interview,” Justin Bieber says while running off stage and crying.
“Hm...that went better then we planned,” Barbara admits. “Anyways, that’s it for today see us tomorrow where we interview Chris Colfer who’s interested in making out with Justin Bieber.”

Harry Potter and Chamber of Claustrophobia

This was written by Neko-naito.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, played by Trent, Owen, and Courtney, were all sitting in the Gryffindor common room when suddenly, Dumbledore, portrayed as Chef, ran in. "Quick, guys! The Chamber of Secrets has been opened again!"
"OH NO!" The three heroes yelled in unison.
"Wait, since when has Dumbledore been black? And muscular... And sexy..." Hermione said in a seductive voice.
"Yeah... Wait, wha-" Harry began.
Dumbledore panicked. "Ron, your sister, Gertrude, is in there!" Ron gasped in shock.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Your sister isn't nam-"
Ron threw both Harry and Hermione over his shoulder, and yelled, "Where is it again?!"
"Malfoy will take you there." Dumbledore motioned for Malfoy, portrayed by Duncan, to enter the room.
Hermione glared at Malfoy. "Why should we trust YOU?" She spoke in an angry tone. Malfoy simply leaned forward, and whispered something in her ear. She gasped, and said in a low voice, "We trust him."
"Why? He's working for-" Harry attempted to say.
"WE TRUST HIM." replied a blushing Hermione.
Malfoy lead the threesome to a broom closet, with a sign that read, "Cha bur of Se cre s".
"What the hell? This isn't the Ch-" Harry groaned.
"HANG ON, GERTRUDE! RON'S A-COMING!" Ron yelled, before rushing into the closet. Malfoy closed the door behind him and locked it.
Harry took in his surroundings. "We're in a broo-"
A mysterious voice from outside the door giggled maniacally. "Muhahahahahaha..."
Harry screeched, "Oh no! It's Lord Bieberm-"
"It's Lord Biebermort!" Hermione said.
"Where's Gertrude, huh? Where'd you hide her?!" Ron shouted through the door.
"Ron, how many times do I have to tell you, your sister is named Ginn-"
"Feeling... closed in, Harry?" Biebermort squeaked.
Harry cried, "Oh my God, he's found out about my claust-"
"He's found out about Harry's claustrophobia!" Ron screamed.
"But a broom closet? Re-"
"I'm on a budget. But no matter!" Biebermort exclaimed. "You're doomed in here, Potter. Eventually, you'll be affected by your claustrophobia so much, you'll be unable to use magic ever again!"
"Why is his voice so squeaky?" Ron spoke.
"And hot..." grinned Hermione.
"Oh, God, stop hitting on every male you see. It make you look like a slu-"
"I DON'T HAVE A SQUEAKY VOICE!" Biebermort squealed. "I'm just... developing."
"Riiiiiiiiiiight." Malfoy rolled his eyes.
Biebermort glared at him. "Oh, shut it, you're the one with the abusive father."
Malfoy flicked him off in response.
Ron giggled. "He's cute when he's angry. Who's a cute Biebermort? Whooooo? Whoooooooooooo? That's right, you are!"
Biebermort merely muttered something inaudible before walking away with Malfoy at his side.
The trio sat in the closet, awkwardly silent. "Soooo..." Hermione said.
One Hour Later...
Harry was sitting in the fetal position. "The walls... I can't... Hold.. On.... Any... Lon-"
"So, Ron. When us Muggles are in a closet like this... They like to, you know... kiss." Hermione spoke seductively.
"He's not THAT stupid, he knows-"
"Really?!" Ron said in shock.
Hermione nodded, batting her eyelashes.
Harry groaned. "You guys aren't going to shag in front of me, that's so digs-" Ron cut him off by grabbing him by the face and kissing him. Harry was in shock for a minute, then pushed Ron away.
"The hell, Ron? Are you gay or so-"
Hermione sighed. "I meant me, you idiot."
"Oh."
There was a pause, and Ron and Hermione began making out.
Three Hours Later...
Harry rocked back and forth, chanting, "Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnine. Onetwothreefourfivesi-"
"I'm bored." Ron said flatly, and stopped making out with Hermione.
"Am I gonna be able to finish a sente-"
"Do you hear something?" Hermione interrupted.
The group put their ears against the door, as faint laughter was heard. Harry's eyes widened in recoginition. "It's Loo-"
"It's Loony Lovegood!" Ron shouted.
"I was just about to say that, quit interrupting m-"
"Loo- Luna!" Hermione yelled.
"LOONY!" Ron screamed.
"Loony, can yo-" Harry attempted to shout.
"We need your help!"
There was no response from Luna, played by Izzy, and the three tried to get her attention again. After another pause, she replied. "Sorry, what happened? I was talking to the humming drumsingers."
"You didn't say anythi-"
"Anyway, I can't help you now. The drumsingers want me to build them a monument. See ya!" She skipped away.
Yet Another Hour Later...
Harry was reduced to his thoughts: Finally, a place to myself. I hate that I haven't been able to finish a complete thought all day! Hermione keeps trying to shag either me or Ron, and Ron's just so stupid and fat. He doesn't even know what 1+1 is! Hopefully, we'll get out of the closet soon and I can-
Ron's thoughts interrupted his: I'm hungry.
Harry screeched. "THAT'S I-"
"What's the matter, Harry?" Hermione said.
"I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FINISH A COMPLETE THOUGHT ALL DAY! YOU," Harry pointed at Hermione, "HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN ANNOYING SLUT! AND YOU!" He then pointed at Ron."YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT THAT YOU THINK YOUR OWN SISTER IS NAMED GERTRUDE! IT'S GINNY! AND NO ONE HERE CARES THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEAD CHARACTER
OF THI-"
Harry was once again interrupted by Snape, aka Noah, opening the door, with Malfoy by his side.
"Minus 100 points for Gryffindor for being insane, Potter. And plus 100 points for Slytherin for being sane, Malfoy." He said.
Harry then came out of the closet. "Oh, thank God. I don't have to-"
"You three should be thankful that Malfoy came and told me that you were trapped in there." Snape sighed.
"That old git lied to you." Ron muttered.
"I know, Potter, you and Weasley were making out again?" Snape sneered.
"Ugh, don't remi-"
"I ought to take away more points for this, Potter. 1,000 seems good-" Snape was cut off by Hermione grabbing him by the face and giving him a loooooooooong kiss.
"There's more where that came from if you give us a bunch of points and take even more away from Slytherin." Hermione smiled.
"Uhhh..." Snape's face was bright red. He stuttered, then said, "HELL YEAH!" The two ran into his office, and Malfoy walked away, shaking his head.
Ron and Harry stood there, awkwardly, until Ron said, "Wanna kiss again?"
"No, Ron." Harry walked away, too, leaving Ron by himself.
Ron sighed. "Well, this was another adventure." He left to go pinch Biebermort's cheeks.

Don't Send 'em

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

Lindsay, Tyler, Beth, Trent and Justin Bieber are all seen in a house together, having a fight.
"Lindsay! You forgot to pay the bills again!" said Tyler.
"Tyson, you are so silly!" said Lindsay, walking to the kitchen.
Trent (who was portraying a dog) weeped.
"Did you get dogfood?" said Tyler.
"Yeah!" said Lindsay, pouring some cereal into the bowl.
Trent gobbled down the cereal, quickly.
"Lindsay! What did I tell you about buying cereal for the dog?!" said Tyler.
"Tyson, I didn't buy cereal!" said Lindsay.
Lindsay whispered to Tyler suddenly, "Did I?"
Tyler facepalmed himself.
"I am so sorry Tyler! It won't happen again!" said Lindsay.
"Lindsay, the last seventeen times you said that, you forgot to pay the bills and now, Justin Bieber's hair is probably going to turn into... weeds by next week" said Tyler.
Justin Bieber's hair grew a bit greener.
"Tyler, I don't get why you are getting so mad at Lindsay" said Beth.
"Beth, at your age, you need to see the end of the tu..." said Tyler.
"At my age?! I am fifty-eight just like you!" said Beth.
"Say what now?" said Tyler.
"I am fifty eight" said Beth.
"My god! You... you... you must be a bed intruder!" said Tyler.
"Yeah, you need to hide your stuff, hide the dog and book it Tylon!" said Lindsay, who begun to play with sharp darts.
"No, you guys need help with your relationship!" said Beth.
"Our relationship is fine!" said Tyler.
Lindsay threw the sharp dart through Justin Bieber's hair, nearly hitting Tyler.
"Whoops" said Lindsay, in the other room.
"Alright, alright! What should we do?!" said Tyler.
"Well, for one dollar, I'll let you guys write on these letters and not send them to each other or Bieber" said Beth.
"No" said Tyler.
"YES!" said Lindsay.
"No" said Tyler.
"Yes!" said Lindsay, again.
"No" said Tyler.
"Yes!" said Lindsay.
"No" said Tyler.
"Yes! No!" said Lindsay.
"Yes!" said Tyler.
"No!" said Lindsay.
"Yes!" said Tyler.
"No!" said Lindsay.
"Yes! We are going to write on those letters for a dollar!" said Tyler, taking them away and passing letters around to them all.
Tyler finished giving them out to everyone and he looked shocked. "What did I just do?!"
"Man, I am so good" said Beth, fanning herself with the dollar.
They all wrote what they thought on the family and the person specifically.
Lindsay begun to write about Tyler: "I love how cute I write, but Taylor is so cute and I want to be her his wife forever! The only thing I want him to improve on is taking off his clothes quicker in the bed..."
Tyler begun to write about Justin Bieber: "I have no idea how the hell we even got this kid. It's like he grew from our very own backyard. I never really noticed him until... just now believe it or not. Maybe Lindsay had birth to him after we filmed that amazon episode of Total Drama World Tour".
Trent begun to write about himself: "Dear world, my life pretty much sucks, especially because I never get to say any lines. Even they chose Beth to get more lines than me. BETH! I mean, she's like a human fire hydrant! She's so ugly and will like never get a boyfriend. But I don't want to take a shit on her".
Justin Bieber begun to write about Lindsay: "My mother helped me get a career. She came to career day at my school and she convinced me to sing songs about chunky babies! I am never turning back. EVAH!"
Lindsay begun to write about Justin Bieber: "My darling, Dustin Babier came to my career day and convinced me to sing songs about girls! However, I think he got a speeding ticket that day and nearly got arrested for giving false information. I look up to him!"
Trent continued to write about himself: "I am not a human, but I still should get paid! I work for my money! You know what? Screw this whole show, I should be getting myself a new show on FOX, so it can whip this show's ass! What do you think of me now Scotty Anderson?"
Tyler then wrote about Lindsay saying: "It's so hard to work with Lindsay. It's like talking to a talking wall that talks back to you saying random crap!"
Justin Bieber wrote about Trent: "My father is not my rolemodel. He has sex with a sex doll and I feel like he's cheating on my mother with it. But what do I know? I am a twelve year old donkey ass who can never find a girl".
A sign was held up saying "FIVE MINUTES LATER!"
The whole family begun to throw stuff, including lamps, plants and furniture at each other.
"Oh mi, how did this happen?" said Beth.
"Tyson gave me an offended note!" said Lindsay.
Tyler begun to sweat. "What note?"
"I didn't grow from your backyard!" said Justin Bieber, after reading the note.
"Ahahaha?" said Tyler.
Lindsay angrily ripped the note and threw it at Tyler.
Justin Bieber threw a plant at Tyler and booked it.
Tyler chased him and ran into a wall. Justin Bieber laughed.
"Call an am...bulance" said Tyler.
Justin Bieber and Lindsay exchanged winks with a grin.
They dragged Tyler into a closet and locked it. Then, they put a chair, so he wouldn't get out.
"That'll teach him" said Justin Bieber.
Lindsay cleaned her hands multiple times.
"Now, off to get your hair trimmed" said Lindsay.
"Or weeds" said Justin Bieber.
Lindsay and Justin Bieber both laughed.
"NOT FUNNY" said Tyler, locked up in the closet.
"We should get some tape to cover his mouth" suggested Justin Bieber.

Where is the Lindsay We Know and Love?

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

"As of late, I begun to wonder where is the Lindsay Lohan we knew and loved?" said Justin Bieber.
"Well, I didn't love her, but I bet you did before her drug problems in 2007" he continued.
"I'm right here!" said Lindsay.
"Not you, idiot! Lindsay Lohan!" said Justin Bieber.
"Well, I obviously do not remember how she was back in 2004, when I was like six, but these dumb producers are making me do this dumb sketch!" he grumbled.
"Let's remember her lifetime and style" he continued.
"Lindsay Lohan was born in 1986 and she made many movies and remakes of movies, from things like Herbie: Fully Loaded to __________. She even created two albums that are on iTunes that have at least like, a million downloads less than my single alone... Baby. And speaking of downloads, her album has a special discount. Buy one song for a dollar, buy another song for the same price. So, if you guys want to insult me for making songs about babies like him and it, then I suggest you guys save it for your football practice, while I go to ice cream shops and buy pets at the local pet store" Bieber said.
"So, in conclusion. Lindsay will probably be in jail for a while, my songs will be originaler and more popular by the second and..." Bieber continued.
"HEY! I am not in jail" said Lindsay.
"I am talking about the other Lindsay Lohan! This!" said Bieber.
"Looks just like me..." said Lindsay.
"It clearly doesn't" said Bieber.
"I suggest you buy glasses, Bieber kid" said Lindsay, walking away.
Justin Bieber faceplamed himself, as the audience clapped.

Bieberazzi

This was written by Neko-naito.

Justin Bieber was on his way home from a tour of concerts across Antartica. He was exhausted, and he couldn't wait to go to sleep. He opened the door of his limo to find two young girls standing in his driveway.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD. IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER." shouted the skinny one.
"I KNOW RIGHT? EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" squealed the chubby one.
Without missing a beat, they whipped out their camera.
"Oh God, girls--" the twelve year old shouted.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" they both squealed.
Justin Bieber was suddenly blinded with the multiple flashes of the two camera.
"I- can't see- DJ!" The 12-year-old shouted.
The muscular bodyguard quickly ran to his side. "Yes?"
"Get rid of them. Now."
"But, uh..."
"Uh, what?"
"They might get hurt, and my momma told me never to hit a girl, no matter how mean they are".
The pop-star facepalmed, "DJ, you're the worst bodyguard ever! EVA!"
DJ begun to cry. An muscular and ugly woman walked up. "What?"
"These girls are annoying me" Justin Bieber tattled.
"All right, ladies, move it along. Nothing to see here." said Eva as she picked up the two girls with little ease. She casually walked past Justin Bieber and DJ toward the gate.
"I LOVE YOU JB!" yelled the chubby one as she pulled out a clump of Justin Bieber's hair.
"Aw, no!" He sobbed, for his hair had a large bald spot.
"Katie, I got his hair!!!"
"OMFG, EEEEEEEEEEEEE...."
Tired and emocionally unstable, Justin Bieber went to bed, still moaning about his hair.
That night, Justin Bieber was soundly asleep. That is, until he was awaken by lightning and the sound of wind rustling the tree outside the window.
"What the hell? There wasn't supposed to be a storm tonight", he thought as he looked out the window.
"Good morning Justin!" squealed the one he thought was called Katie. "OH MY FUCKING GOD, Sadie, he's soooo adorable when he sleeps."
"OH MY FUCKING GOD, I KNOW RIGHT?!" responded the one called Sadie. They resumed taking pictures.
"DJ!" screamed the one called Justin Bieber.
Within seconds, the bodyguard was at his side. "Yes?"
"Girls are back. Dispose of them."
"Dispose? I don't wanna KILL them!!!"
"...Just get rid of them."
"What if they fall? They could break their legs."
"Oh my freakin' God".
"Plus, one looks like a sheep and the other one looks like a Lindsay Lohan".
"EVA!"
"It's 2:00 AM. WHAT could you possibly WANT?!" roared the she-beast, causing both Justin Bieber and DJ to flinch.
"The girls are back" replied Justin Bieber. "In the tree."
"Ugh, fine". Eva launched herself out the balcony window and landed in the tree. Moments later, the squealing of Katie and Sadie faded away.
"She both scares and facinates me" DJ remarked.
"She's supposed to be my gardener!" Justin Bieber yelled back.
The dead flowers in the ackyard coughed pitifully.
"DJ, you better start hurting some girls, or your job is in trouble of being lost. Now tuck me into bed."
A week later...
Justin Bieber was talking on the phone. "Hi grandma... I'm being stalked. These two girls named Katie and Sadie can't seem to stop following me and taking pictures of me. They've been everywhere I've been! School, rehersals, even showers- Yes, in the shower. 5 times, as a matter of fact. They stole a clump of hair from my head! And my bodyguard won't do anything, he's a wimp. My gardener is the one who fights them off! ... You know what to do? You're sending me help? Thank grandma! Can you send me hair-in-a-can? I love you!"
"OH MY FUCKING GOD, Justin loves his grandma!"
"Awww, that's so cuuuuute!"
The now-familiar flashes of photos being taken did blind Justin Bieber, but suddenly a blur of purple pushed him out of the way. It then smashed both girls' cameras.
"This must be the help Grandma sent me!" thought Justin Bieber happily.
"Awww. Now we need new camera" whined Sadie.
"Like, thanks a lot" frowned Katie. Dejectedly, the girls walked away.
"Thanks..." Justin Bieber spoke to his saviour.
She turned around and winked. "Hiiii, Justin".
Justin Bieber's screams were heard for miles.
"Stalker-Be-Gone services?" Alejandro said as he walked into Justin Bieber's house. "I was sent here by Mrs. Bieber with... Hair-in-a-can?" He looked at the smashed cameras on the ground and sniffed them.
"OH NO, I WAS TOO LATE!"
Justin Bieber was meanwhile in a paparazzi, without Katie and Sadie. He walked inside and suddenly Sierra hopped in front of him and screamed.
"DJ! DJ! DJ?!" he said.
Sierra dragged Bieber away and winked at the camera.

Good Nights

This was written by Webkinz Mania.

"Thank you, Wikipedia for making this possible. Happy birthday Abe Lincoln, my friend Liam and Felipe! All my girl friends, see you at the movies. Plus, don't have a heart attack like that other girl did! THANK YOU! I hope I can host every year until I am 100!" said Justin Bieber.

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