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Okay, I get it. Zero updates, period, but it’s hard to write when you’re at summer camp! My massive slump on Selfish Needs and Total Drama Retold is still continuing, so I decided to do something short and fun to write to say that I’m still here. So I’m writing this, a parody of Violet Hill, as the average rabid DXC fangirl would write it! If you haven’t read Violet Hill, I’ll sum it up. Bridgette dies, and Geoff reminisces about how while he’s all angst-y at the funeral. I really do think you should read it before this though. I own nothing, and here we go on this intentional travesty! By the way, this is in Duncan’s POV.

  • * *

I stared with sadness I didn’t know I had with my striking teal orbs at Courtney’s coffin, adorned with flowers in the middle of winter, to show how beautiful, special, unique, pretty, cute, funny, tough, classical-loving, Republican, wonderful person she was. It was horrible how she went. Despite the fact she could fight sharks and rip lampposts from their bases on the show, one thug was enough to kill her. He randomly showed up in Courtney’s safe neighborhood in the middle of the night, and she was out walking. She ran into him, and he held her hostage. I bravely rushed to the scene, as her parents were such insensitive stage/pageant-parents that they left it to me, because of the fact they were supposed to be because they were rich. I made it there, but he fired the gun he had that seemed to come out of nowhere. Courtney was hit with a bullet that pierced through her Abercrombie jacket, and she died gracefully in my toned, strong arms. Now everybody was here at the funeral, and that Sarah McLachlan song that they used for those ASPCA commercials seemed to be playing out of nowhere, because it was THE mourning song, no exceptions.

The minister started up some speech I didn’t care about because it caused people to look away from my dashing, green mohawked, very attractive self. So I flashed back to Courtney’s graceful, beautiful in a macabre way death in my toned, strong arms.

“Duncan,” Courtney gasped out, “You came.”

Courtney was beginning to quietly cough, in a sickly, dying, but still beautiful way, and the coughs got progressively weaker after each one. She raised her head, and mysterious ebony orbs met fierce teal orbs.

“I’m going to die.” She said softly, already resigning herself.

“No you’re not,” Duncan replied, even though no phone call or other alert had been made, an ambulance was on the way.

“You’re my princess Courtney, which means you’ll be okay.”

“I...I guess I will. You always can trust the delinquents who care for you.”

Courtney was paling, the ethereal forces that would take her to the afterlife were getting closer, and she was ever closer to assuming their form.

“Duncan… you lied to me about me dying, but I don’t care, because I love you with the burning passion of a thousand suns going novae at once!” Courtney shouted with a strange strength. Duncan cradled her head in his toned, strong arms, wondering where the ambulance was and where on Earth this bullet hit her. He stroked her hair, and kept saying that everything would be alright, and that his gang of perfect people would hunt down the man who shot her, as he had mysteriously disappeared so that this tender, heartstring-pulling moment could occur.

“Courtney, don’t go. Please, you taught me what love was, you can’t leave me! We need to die next to each other fifty years from now in a depressing nursing home!” Duncan shouted with despair as Courtney grew paler and weaker.

“I’m sorry. I’ll wait for you…for as long as it takes…”

Courtney’s body grew limp and she stopped breathing conveniently just as the sun came up.

“I will always remember you,” I said, as a single, dramatic tear ran down my cheek, and the ambulance came.

The funeral had ended, the coffin had been lowered into the cold, hard, unfitting for such a beautiful, special, unique, pretty, cute, funny, tough, classical-loving, Republican, wonderful person that Courtney was ground. Everybody else was still milling around, talking about Courtney. But, it wasn’t about how Courtney was such a special, unique, pretty, cute, funny, tough, classical-loving, Republican, wonderful person. They were… insulting her!

“I’m so happy she’s gone now,” Lindsay said with a casual indifference such as a girl would use when talking about new shoes, “I’m so never going to forgive her for Complete Tension Action. Callie wasn’t even fun to be around even when shopping for shoes.”

“Agreed,” agreed Bridgette, “Courtney could be so grating. No positive qualities there.”

“Amen to that,” Noah interjected, “My life just got twenty times quieter… in the best way possible.”

I pushed by way into the center of the crowd.

“I can’t believe all of you!” I yelled, “She was a beautiful special person, but only when she was with me because you were all so mean to her! Where are your hearts?”

“In our chests,” Noah replied sarcastically, “Whatever, this whole thing is so cheesy it makes me nauseous. I’m going.”

Noah left, and everybody looked at their feet against the cold, wet, snow that my Princess loved.

“He’s right,” Bridgette said softly.

Everybody apologized, and left. It was heinous, ineffective, and did nothing to show remorse. I started to walk in the opposite direction in a furious rage. Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and Gwen stood with wide eyes.

“Duncan, I’m sorry for everybody else, and I guess I’m sorry for Courtney, I never knew her much.”

“It’s okay Gwen,” I said, “She told me she loved me before she… went.”

“That’s good that you’ve come to terms with it,” Gwen replied, “Because the fangirls want me to start a relationship with you to take you out of some depression while you still “never forget Courtney”…You want to do that Duncan?”

I hesitated. I knew it was very soon, but hey, in stories like these, the dead one always wants the living one to be happy, soooooooo….

“Yeah, sure,” I replied eagerly. Gwen kissed me, and we walked out of the cemetery with linked arms.

  • * *

There, was it bad enough? I tried to combine elements of dramatic DXC stories, explaining the Sue/Stu treatment of Duncan and Courtney, and DXG fics, which tend to get Courtney out of the way somehow. I can seriously see Courtney’s death counting as one of those ways of doing so. So I combined both, put it in a scenario very similar to Violet Hill, and just wrote. I got this done in only two days! That’s a second place record! (The Gold there goes to the first chapter of The Penthouse, which I did in three hours.) So please review. Critiques, flames, bring. It. ON!!!


(PS., the breaking of the fourth wall by Noah and Gwen was completely intentional. Someone has to be savvy in these fics you know.)

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