The sequel to S.S. Total Drama, the story takes place several months after the crowning of the winner, and follows two losers as they attempt at producing a successful reality show with a rather limited budget, resorting to dubious methods and questionable settings.
Written by Mana.
To avoid repetition, content that is said in a confessional will be placed between lines, like this sentence.
Prologue – A Tale of Two Losers
A computer screen shows the reflection of a blonde sporting a short bob haircut and pajamas, scrolling down the page of a website; the address bar says EverythingReality.com.
“Hmm, Outlaster has a new returnee season,” the girl says with apathy, “did not see that coming.”
The screen scrolls down until an earth-shattering high-pitched scream echoes through the room, “This is a travesty!” her voice cracks, “How… how…” she mumbles between sobs.
The screen depicts a red banner with a text printed in yellow letters, “Newsflash – The Astounding Race Cancelled After Abysmal Ratings”
A blond, middle-aged woman knocks twice on a door, “Trish, sweetie?” she says, “Wakey wakey! You already missed breakfast but I’m sure you won’t want to miss this juicy fried chicken mama made with aaaall her heart!”
A cacophonic howl is heard from inside her daughter’s bedroom.
“Tricia!” her mother scolds, “What did I say about bringing people to watch Netflix with you without asking?”
“Go awaaaaaaay” a hoarse voice fights back.
The mother sighs, “I didn’t want to do this, but…” she whispers while taking off her glasses and pearl necklace, “Open this door, Patricia Smith Vaughan!” Mrs. Vaughan lets out while repeatedly slamming her body against the door, “I don’t care whether you’re there with a lad, a lass, or a desert tapir! Just open this godda-“
And conveniently enough, Patricia opens the bedroom door, causing her mother’s jaw to drop on the spot. The girl had seen better days; her hair was disgruntled, coffee stains all over her pajama, and a big “K” drawn on her forehead with a bright yellow marker.
“Oh, so it was a desert tapir after all?” Mrs. Vaughan asks as her daughter’s left eye twitches. “Mom…” she says, as if it were her last dying breath, “It’s gone… it’s over…”
“It was about time! It’s already one in the afternoon!”
“Everything…” her daughter whispers.
The scene cuts to the mother and daughter at the lunch table, “So… let me get this straight, you spilled coffee all over your body and scribbled your face with permanent marker because a TV show has been cancelled?”
“No,” she mutters while Mrs. Vaughan scrubs her stained forehead with a kitchen sponge, “the K on my forehead is to constantly remind me that I’m a failure for losing those million dollars.”
“Jesus, you’re 20 years old for President Truman’s sake!” her mother shouts, “Are you still not over that? You were on TV, you made it to the finale of a show you love, yet you are STILL angry? Are you never satisfied with anything?”
“The chicken is good, I guess,” she admits with a faint smile, “What’s the recipe?”
“Kentucky fried chicken,” the mother says, causing her daughter to immediately spit it out.
Patricia says, “I’m going back to bed,” she gets up as Mrs. Vaughn sighs.
Later on the same day, Patricia watches TV in her bedroom, “With 87% of the votes,” an announcer says, “Sandra, you have been evicted from Large Sibling!”
“Uuuuuuuuuuugh,” Patricia screams in anger while throwing her remote controller against the television, crashing its screen, “Stupid American public, doesn’t know how to make decisions!” she huffs and puffs, “If I had my own reality show, the first thing I’d do would be taking the power away from those nitwits!” The television explodes.
Upon that, the girl bites her pillow and screams violently before falling back on her bed in silence.
“… If I had my own reality show…”
Patricia is shown in a shoddy-looking waiting room, sitting between a dashing young man in formal clothes and a voluptuous beauty with flowing, pink hair.
“So, are we going with Suffer For Fashion for the name?” the man asks his partner.
“Hmmm,” the pink bombshell says, “Still not sure, Chip. But at the end of the day the name is not that important. It’s impossible for the director not to accept our pitch after hearing the idea, local Utah Television is scarce when it comes to fashion-oriented reality television.”
Patricia gets up, grabs a cup and heads towards a fountain in the corner, mumbling to herself, “Yeah, good luck with that, freaks.”
“Patricia Vaughan,” a morbidly obese man with an impressive beard and thick glasses barks from behind a counter, “Director’s callin’ ya.”
“So…” the same rotund man is shown sitting in a dark room, face-to-face with Patricia, “you mean you basically want to rip-off The Astounding Race while you don’t even have the budget to build a leg in Walmart?”
“Yes?” she says, batting her lashes.
The scene immediately cuts to Patricia outside the building, which turns out to be located up a mountain, in a vast, empty terrain, “Ugh, that myopic manatee!” she curses, “Who does he think he is, running a TV Station in the middle of nowhere, sporting a dead possum on his chin-“ a telephone ringing cuts her off mid-sentence.
“Hello?” she answers it nonchalantly. After the other person speaks she shouts, “Oh my god, Meredith I missed you! How are ya, buddy?”
“Well,” a voice says on the other line, “Not really well, actually. I called to ask if you could… lend me some money?”
Patricia frowns, “Did you forget I was runner-up? Go ask Kentucky Carlos for money!”
“Aww, okay, okay. Don’t yell at me, I’m not your wife!”
Patricia sighs, “I’m sorry. But yeah, I’m kind of not in the best mood, why don’t you just get a job?”
“No one trusts my day-care anymore after I accidentally let one of their babies drink out of the toilet.”
“WHAT? Meredith are you insane?”
“I take care of cats, silly Pat!” she says, laughing, “Or at least I use to. Oh! Wanna start a business? Sell enchiladas on the beach?”
“You live in Utah.”
“Oh damn, plan B. Do you have any idea?”
“Well, I want to produce a reality show, are you in?” Patricia says, mockingly.
“I’m in! Where will we discuss it?”
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Patricia says, sitting back in the same waiting room as before. The director glares at her from the counter, over a book titled ‘Denise & Jacob’s Adventures In Bed and Other Short Stories’
The front door creaks, revealing a girl dressed in yoga pants and a lilac top, who sports an impressive curly mane, “Paaaaaaaat!” she runs in Patricia’s way, crushing her in a bear hug. “Meredith, spare my life please,” Patricia wheezes. After her friend lets go, she says, “Okay, so redoing the race is out of question, too much money. Any ideas?”
Meredith lights up, “Let’s do something like Large Sibling!”
“Ew,” Patricia winces, “That show is the definition of trash. And Kentucky Carlos hasn’t even been in it…”
“Yet,” Meredith interrupts her, “And don’t talk about my favorite show like that!”
Patricia rolls her eyes, “Oh wow, how did I not see that coming, queen of objectionable opinions?“ she gets more vocal, “It personally offends me that a show that lets the same people who elected Donald Trump decide its outcome hasn’t been cancelled yet!”
“But the budget is really low,” Meredith says, “It’s basically guaranteed not to be cancelled!”
Patricia falls into silence, prompting Meredith to make weird hand gestures all around her face, “Wakey wakey, Earth to Pat!”
“I know,” Patricia says.
“Oh Pat, you know a lot of things.”
“No, I know! I know what our show will be!”
The duo of soon-to-be TV producers is shown in the same dark room as before, face to face with the director once again. Except he looks more pleased this time, “So, like Large Sibling but without letting those nitwits who elected Barack Obama decide the outcome? I’m sold!”
“YES!” the ladies jump from their chair and high-five each other.
“But you gotta chose,” the bearded man grunts, “Either a cash prize of $5,00 for the winner, or no location for it to be filmed. Budget’s not unlimited, you know?” The girls sigh.
“So, how’s it gonna be?” he barks
“We take the decent cash prize!” Meredith jumps, shouting.
“Meredith!” Patricia interjects, “Do you plan on filming our show in an abandoned strip cl-“
“Shhhhhh,” the other girl says, “Let me handle this.” The girls are shown sitting at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere, next to the building they were in, while Meredith dials a number on her phone.
“Meredith, spill the beans, who are you calling?” Patricia presses her, “If you’re thinking of hosting it in an abandoned str-“
“Hola tía Margarida!” Meredith shouts on her phone as Patricia brings her hand to her own forehead. After a seemingly eternal conversation in Spanish, Meredith hangs up her phone,
“Oh thank god!” Patricia says, throwing her arms up, “We missed four buses already! What are you trying to accomplish?”
“Nothing,” she replies nonchalantly.
Patricia gets up and scoffs, “I give up!”
“I’ve already accomplished,” her friend says with a cheeky grin.
Patricia and Meredith are shown in the gates of a majestic, older house, “So, is this where your aunt lives?”
“Mhm. Virgin, Utah!” Meredith says before giggling, “I can’t get over this, I’m sorry.” She rings the bell as a minimalist rendition of the song ‘La Cucaracha’ plays.
“This was surprisingly stereotypical,” Patricia says with a raised eyebrow, “By the way, how is aunt Marg-“
The blonde is interrupted by the front door bursting open, followed by a hoarse voice shouting, “PUTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“PERRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Meredith shouts as she jumps in the arms of a fleshy mountain of a woman, dressed in bright red clothing reminiscent of draperies, and sporting a ridiculous amount of jewelry on her flabby neck and arms.
Her friend looks at the two having a fervent conversation in Spanish, dumbfounded. The matron turns her neck in Patricia’s direction, like a bird, and stares at her intensely.
“H-h-h-ho-hola tía Margarida,” Patricia says in very poor Spanish, “Es un pl-pla…ser? E-estar co-co-c-c-con-“
“What the hell, girl?” Aunt Margarida snaps, “You can speak English to me! I didn’t spend my childhood learning it for nothin’!”
“Oh,” adds the lady, “and you can call me Marge.”
Patricia smiles uncomfortably, “Oh, hello Marge! Nice house, I love the front gates and the…” she pauses, scanning the front yard for something else to compliment, “…the lawnmower!”
“That’s my 1936 Ford Sedan, you numbskull!” she barks.
Meredith interrupts the awkward situation, “Okay, okay, let’s get going!” she pushes her aunt and friend to the living room.
“True, true,” Patricia says, “I can help you pack your bags, Marge.”
Aunt Marge guffaws heartily, “Meredith, she said she wants to… PACK! Ahahahahahaha,” she begins coughing violently.
“Oh yeah, Pat,” Meredith says, “About that… Aunt Marge isn’t going anywhere. I can’t afford two seats on a plane to accommodate her and none of our close relatives want to share their houses with her for all this time.”
“Gee, I wonder why,” Patricia says as Marge coughs out her denture.
“Oh yeah, you’ll be filming in the basement,” Aunt Marge says with a toothless mouth, “Now excuse me, I have a long battle in my way,” she heads towards the restroom with her denture and a tube of super glue in her hands.
Meredith gestures towards the basement entrance, “Guests first!”
Patricia rolls her eyes and starts climbing down the stairs.
“So, what do you think? Pretty darn spacious, right?”
“Yeah,” Patricia says before coughing, “I think it could use a vacuuming or two, though.” She looks around the ample basement, filled with old furniture in a way that almost looks like a house without walls… or a toilet.
“I guess we can do with that,” Meredith says with a bright smile.
“Yeah,” grunts Patricia, “Who will we hold hostage?”
Chapter 1 – Condescending Down The Stairs
“Whooooooa, stop! I get sick easily!” says an exceedingly short girl with a paper bag over her face while Meredith spins her around.
Meredith opens the door of her aunt’s house and grabs the girl’s hands, “Follow me, my little friend!” she says, leading the blindfolded teen around, “What’s your name, again?”
“Anna,“ the girl says meekly while waddling behind Meredith, “And you?”
“Oh, that’s not important,” Meredith replies while reaching the stairs that lead to the basement, “Watch for the steps!” she shouts.
Anna tries to reach the lower step with her stubby legs, but fails. Meredith watches the scene, worried.
Meanwhile, Patricia is already in the basement; the lights all off. She sighs, “Why is Meredith taking so long with the first contestant?” the host asks herself, worriedly.
Meredith starts sweating while witnessing the first contestant struggle to go down the stairs. She shifts her eyes back and forth before giving a powerful shove on the chubby teenager’s back, “Watch out for the car!” she screams.
Upon rolling down a set of stairs, Anna crashes into the ground to the sound of breaking glass. Before the contestant could question the logic of a car being in such a space, Meredith’s voice echoes from above, “You can take your blindfold off now!”
Anna takes the blindfold off, revealing a pair of broken thick glasses, “Great.”
The first contestant to arrive is shown sitting in in an enclosed space, on a pile of coal near a boiler. The room worked as the season’s confessional.
Anna says, “Taking the bag off my head made no difference for me, it seems like my glasses broke when I fell into that hole. So I decided to just sit on the ground alone like I’m used to, until…”
A scream is heard before a loud thud, “Ow!” Anna grunts.
“S-sorry,” a tan-skinned woman says, getting up from the ground (and from above Anna) while flushing.
“Nah, it’s okay,” Anna says, “I’m used to that.”
The woman takes a backpack off her shoulders and starts rummaging through it, “That probably left some marks,” she says, “By the way, I’m Tamara. And you?” she asks before picking up a tube from her bag.
“Anna.” The shorter girl answers meekly, facing the exact opposite way from Tamara.
“I’m right here!” Tamara says, as she squeezes the tube on her finger and starts putting its contents over Anna’s bruises, “It’s ointment by the way.”
She turns around, “Oh, sorry, I broke my glasses.”
“No worries!” Tamara says as she pulls a pair of glasses out of her backpack, “Here’s a new one!”
“Much better,” Anna puts on the glasses while blushing, “Thanks,” she says confusedly.
“Hey, Oompa Loompa! Get off the way!”
The two girls look up the stairs and are greeted by the scowl of a young, attractive woman with a huge orange mane. She raises an eyebrow as the two step aside.
“Thank you,” she says nonchalantly, “I’m Kelly.”
“Hi,” Anna says, barely audibly.
Tamara adds enthusiastically, “Nice to meet you!”
“Yeah, whatever,” she says as the shadow of a person approaches her from behind, “Just don’t block the passage, it’s rude. Furthermore-“ Kelly stops as her eyes widen.
“What’s the matter?” Tamara asks.
Kelly grabs something behind her and hurls a man over the stair’s railing, “That’s for touching my butt you creep!” she shouts to the figure slouched on the floor.
The person gets up, revealing itself to be a man with gelled dark hair and stubble, sporting a black leather jacket, “Touching what? ” he asks, dumbfounded, “It’s pitch black, can’t you see it was an accident?”
“Hah,” she says, rolling her eyes, “Do you expect me to believe you while you sport that douchey neckbeard?”
Anna and Tamara eye each other awkwardly while the man fights Kelly back, “Oh, now you resort to degrading my appearance? Very mature.”
“Assaulting women is also very mature, Mr. Savage McLeatherpants!”
“Oh, come on, you’re just insane,” he dismisses before turning to the other two girls, “Now it’s a pleasure to meet you two ladies,” he says sweetly, “you can call me Rich.”
Tamara chirps, “I was so happy when I saw Anna, such a pleasant girl.” She looks down, “Too bad I can’t say the same about the two new guys… yikes!”
The fifth contestant is shown at the entrance, being spun around by Meredith, “There you go!” she says, releasing the tall, slender teen.
“By the acoustics of your voice,” the blindfolded teen says, “We must be at an enclosed space,” he stops and sniffs, “and this smell of quesadillas in the air… we must be in Mexico!”
Meredith rolls her eyes while pushing the guy around, “Wait, wait, wait!” he starts shouting, “Just a second!”
“Oh, come on!” the co-host sighs.
The teen takes off his shoes and starts feeling the ground with his bare feet, “And the floor… it feels like wood! That’s it!”
“Yes, yes it is,” Meredith mutters.
“We must be in a Mexican forest!” he triumphantly says, “Darcy’s sharp reasoning strikes again!”
The other contestants are shown in the basement, fidgeting impatiently, “Why is it taking so long for the next contestant to come?” Tamara questions.
“Who cares,” Kelly complains, “I just wish they could turn the lights on already.”
“Yeah,” Anna adds, “The lights from the upper floor aren’t enough.”
Rich points upwards, completely ignoring Anna, “Oh, look! It must be the next guy!”
“Now this smells like Papa Nigel’s wine cellar,” Darcy, the blindfolded man, says from above.
Darcy looks puzzled, “The facts are not adding up! Papa Nigel doesn’t live in Mexico!”
Meredith says, “Okay, Darcy, you can take off your blindfold.”
Darcy takes the bag off his head and shouts, “Success!”
“Uh,” Kelly says, “What did you succeed in doing? Humiliating yourself in national TV?”
Darcy raises a finger, “Actually, considering this show is produced by ‘Die Virgin von Utah Broadcast Center’, it’s more likely to be broadcast on local TV,” he bows, but a screech so loud soon makes him lose his balance and fall down the stairs.
Tamara catches him in her arms, “Not letting another one get injured!”
“WHAT?” a high-pitched voice shrieks from above, “You mean no one from outside this hellhole of a state will see us?”
“Oh, so that’s where we are, Utah!” Darcy says, “I knew there was a key detail missing!”
“Calm down, babe,” Rich says to the newly arrived girl.
The short, skinny ginger walks down to him and screeches, “How am I supposed to calm down in such a moldy, poorly-broadcast place?” she slaps Rich’s hands away, “AND I’M NOT YOUR BABE.”
Kelly snickers and pats the petite redhead’s back, “Relax, lil’ Ginger,” she says, “I’m sure you’ll have a fun time here.”
Kelly says, “Of course we won’t have a fun time here, this place sucks! But I think I have found a cub for me to raise!” she laughs devilishly.
“Wait,” the girl says, turning to Kelly, “How did you know my name?” she opens a huge smile, “Are you a follower?”
“I’m sorry?” Kelly says, looking offended.
“I’m Ginger from GingerbreadHouse!” the redhead says while jumping on Kelly, “So glad to have met a fan of my channel!” Ginger hugs Kelly as the model looks uncomfortable.
“Who?” Kelly asks.
“Who?” a familiar nasal voice resonates from above, “I’ve never heard of you, and I literally live from Youtube!”
Ginger’s mouth drops, “Is- is that… Tyler?”
“Nah,” Kelly says while filling her nails, “It sounded a lot more like Ellen DeGeneres to me.”
“Damn!” the same voice shouts. As the mystery person gets out of the shadows, the contestants look puzzled.
The person was neither a famous Youtuber, nor a famous TV Presenter, but rather a chubby Japanese teen wearing a fruit motif t-shirt and tight jean shorts squeezing his thick thighs, “I really thought I had nailed my Tyler Oakley impression!”
Tamara walks up to the boy and hugs him, “Aww, don’t be so hard on yourself,” she says, “You did great!”
Kelly interrupts, “What the hell, no he d-“ she is whacked in the face with an apple.
Tamara picks up a second apple from her bag and asks the newly arrived boy, “Want one, uhhhh…?”
“Nyx,” he says, “Like the plural of Nick,” he snickers, “And yes, thanks!”
Nyx wears a gigantic white wig and looks at the screen silently, until an apple falls on his head, “The integral sec y dy from zero to one sixth of pi is log to base e of the square root of three times the sixty fourth power of I!” he shouts with a British accent before laughing and snorting, “I have no idea what I just said, but I did memorize it didn’t I?”
Meredith is shown near the staircase to the basement, next to a tall, dark, hulking man with a bag on his head.
“Oh, yeah!” he says, pumping his fist in the air, “I’m lovin’ this!”
“Uh, Sid,” Meredith says, “The show hasn’t started yet.”
“That’s even better!” he booms before jumping towards the first step of the stairs.
Meredith’s eyes widen as she shouts, “Be careful, those are-“
But she is interrupted by the sound of Sid crashing through the wooden stairs and falling onto the ground below.
“Fragile,” Meredith says before sighing and walking towards the front door.
In the basement, Tamara attends the colossal teen who just collapsed on the floor.
“Did he just fall from the roof?” Ginger asks
Anna points to the hole in the wooden staircase above, “Nope.”
The man gets up, tumbling a little from the impact, “I’m fine, sorry for the scare. The name’s Sid.”
“For the scare?” Kelly asks, “You should be sorry for that poor staircase, do you have any idea of how much you weight?” she asks the large man.
“Yeah, I know,” Sid scratches the back of his head, “S-sorry,” he sighs.
Sid says with a wide smile, “Don’t go telling anyone this, but I actually have no clue of how much I weight!” he laughs.
Tamara takes the big guy aside and leans closer to his ear, “Don’t mind her, she’s a bad apple,” she whispers, “And you seem like a nice guy, don’t fall prey to her.”
“Huh, thanks,” he says, blushing, “But I actually can-“
“Whatcha chit-chatting about out there!” a high pitched voice with an accent interrupts, “Didn’t your mamas and papas tell you gossip is no good?”
The duo glances away from each other to face the girl who inquired them. She was a short blonde dressed in heavy clothing; strangely enough, her fur coat had a midriff exposing part of her pale skin.
“Who’d you think you’re talking to, fool?” Sid snaps, catching Tamara by surprise.
“Be nice to her!” Tamara tells the big guy, “Even if she was nasty to us, we must show respect.”
Sid starts, “And you think I’m some kind of baby to be scolded by-“ but is interrupted by a hearty laugh coming from the newcomer.
“Wow, and they say Russians are grumpy?” the blonde asks playfully, “It was just doing the kidding, don’t worry!”
Tamara and Sid stay reticent, staring at each other blankly.
“I’m Olga, by the by!” she pipes up, “What about you?”
The brunette says, smiling awkwardly, “I’m Tamara, and this is-“
“Sid!” Olga chirps, “Good ol’ Sid.”
The male jumps, “How did- “ he screeches, “You a psychic or something?”
“Uhuhuhuhuhuh,” the foreigner laughs, “It’s just written in the back of your shirt, silly willy. Uhuhuhuhuh!”
Tamara joins Olga on the laugh, but Sid steps aside while laughing uncomfortably.
On the top floor, Aunt Marge walks a tall male of Latin descent through the entrance. He is clad in a grey trench coat and wrapped in a couple of scarves.
“Am I allowed to speak while here?” he asks from under the paper bag.
The elder lady rolls her eyes, “Meredith!” she shouts, “Can the boy speak while here?”
Her niece is shown in the kitchen, grilling hamburgers, “Sure, Marge!”
Meredith sighs, “I told Patricia only to start filming after I prepare Marge’s lunch , but NO! Stubborn Pat!”
“Okay, thank you,” he says, “So, I have noticed the smell of ground meat in the air - I mean, it’s quite difficult not to.”
“Mhmmm…” Aunt Marge grunts.
“I was wondering,” he said, “Have you ever tried to go vegan?”
“Not really,” Margarida replies, “Would I still be allowed to eat paella?” “Well,” he says, “Shrimp doesn’t exactly grow on trees, so…”
Aunt Marge shoves the young man down the basement, “Then I don’t care,” she mumbles, walking away.
Down the basement, all contestants wait under the stairs so they can catch the next victim of the hole made by Sid.
“What is everyone doing there?” a voice asks, startling them.
“Who are ya?” Olga asks.
“Pablo,” the trench coat clad boy says with a raised eyebrow, “Now… what are you doing there?”
Ginger tries explaining, “Oh, big guy here broke the stairs,” she points to Sid while he blushes, “So we were trying to catch you in case you fell.”
Pablo points to the staircase, “Yeah, good thing they invented railings. Or, you know, sight.”
Kelly lights up, “We try to prevent your death and you thank us like that?”
“No, no,” he explains, “It’s fine. I’ve had a positive first impression of the group. Seems like you got a sense of collectivity”
“Ew,” Sid grunts, “Collecting is for dorks!”
Pablo sighs and pats Sid’s back, “You’ve got a long way to go, boy,” he says with a genuine smile.
Sid furrows his eyebrows, “Son, who do you think y-“
“There!” Pablo interrupts him, pointing to the staircase. As someone falls down the hole, the burly man makes a dive to the ground. The man who fell from above, now on Sid’s arms, opens his wide blue eyes and asks confusedly in a drawl, “Was that the first challenge? Did I win?”
Anna raises a finger, “N-“
“Yup,” Kelly interrupts, “You are the official winner of Hostage, congratulations!” she starts clapping along with Rich, who joins the joke.
Pablo rolls his eyes in the confessional, “And there goes the sense of collectivity,” he states dryly.
The man jumps out of the bodybuilder’s arms and starts hopping around, flailing around not only his arms, but also his golden curls and undone suspenders, “Uh-huh! I win! I did it!” he sings in rhythm before pointing to the camera, “TAKE THAT AUNT BESSIE YOU DIRTY GROUNDHOG, Gordie is the winner! Yeeeeeeeee-“
“Uh, Gordie?” Tamara interrupts, “I-I’m sorry but they’re joking.”
The redneck furrows his eyebrows, “Y-ya mean… I didn’t…” he pouts. “Not exactly,” she says, flushing, “Actually, the game hasn’t even started.”
With eyebrows still furrowed, Gordie gets gradually redder before rushing towards Rich and grabbing him by the shirt collar, “NOW LISTEN UP YOU MOLDY PILE O’HORSE DUNG, YOU BETTER-“ Rich wheezes, his face turning a deep hue of purple, “Why me?” he points to Kelly, “She was the one who-“
Gordie slaps Rich across the face, “YOU BETTER KEEP SMILING WIDE,” the bumpkin barks, prompting some saliva to fly in Rich’s face, “BECAUSE I’MMA KNOCK THEM TEETH OUTTA YOUR MOTHERF-“
“Hey, hey, heeeeeeey,” a slow, mellow baritone is heard from up the stairs, “Hate only breeds hate, we should start loving ourselves.”
Kelly raises a finger, “This show is PG13, man,” she says.
The newly arrived man slowly walks down the stairs, ignoring the redhead. He wears jeans and a loose-fitting tee depicting the Ankh, and the half of his head that is not shaved sports messy chestnut hair. He puts a hand on Gordie’s shoulder and asks soothingly, “Now, what happened, my friend?”
“These two rapscallions lied to my face!” Gordie cries, pointing to Kelly with one hand and holding Rich’s neck with the other, “NOW WHO ARE YOU?”
“Shhhh,” the peacekeeper says, “No need to yell, all will be answered in due time. Now first,” he turns to Kelly, “Apologize to him. It’s such a waste for a beautiful woman like you to be the type who spread lies.”
Kelly scoffs, while Rich comments, “Oooh, I know plenty of those.”
“And you, mister,” the newcomer now addresses Rich, “Also did bad things. Now hug him and apologize.”
Rich and Kelly roll their eyes as they walk towards the country boy, but are startled by his outburst, “I AIN’T HUGGING NO FETID WET GOATS, MOVE!”
Nyx laughs, “Wow, nice damage repair, man,” he says snidely.
“It’s nothing more than being human,” the man says, caressing his own scraggly beard.
Ginger perks up, “By the way, didn’t catch your name.”
The hand that was on the beard now goes behind his back, “Oh, true. You can call me-“
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” a high-pitched scream is heard, followed by a thud and a crack.
“Talon,” he finishes, running towards the woman who just fell from above.
Sid cringes in the confessional, “Ouch,” he says, “I shouldn’t have let hippie boy divert my attention from my duty.”
As Sid, Talon and Tamara rush to assist the newcomer, Meredith’s voice echoes from above, “Is everything okay, Shoshana?”
The dark girl, who wears a contrasting yellow dress, adjusts her hair tie on her semi-afro and grunts, “Yeah, it’s not like I haven’t been through this before,” she rolls her eyes.
While aiding in lifting her, Tamara and Talon laugh at her remark, “I love your sense of humor,” Tamara says.
“Yeah,” Talon complements with an approving smile, “I admire people who can keep a positive attitude no matter what.”
Shoshana gets up and looks at the two with eyes reminiscent of a dead fish, “No, for real,” she states dryly, “That’s not my first time.”
Tamara and Talon exchange awkward glances while Shoshana limps to the nearest couch, grumbling, “If you find amusement in other people’s suffering, who am I to judge?”
“Sorry,” Tamara says with a sigh.
“No, it’s okay, really,” Shoshana states in the confessional, “I also find amusement in several questionable things, like communist propaganda, fat men with flabby jowls, that one commercial for Jenga from 2008…”
Up the stairs, Meredith walks the last contestant towards the house. The figure, whose head was covered with a paper bag, is tall and wears a purple summer dress over her pale, slender body.
“A-are you sure this is safe?”
“Of course,” Meredith replies, “It’s not like I would let our contestants fall down a flight of stairs,” she glares at her aunt, who is currently serving herself to a hamburger.
“Oh, nice to hear that, honey,” the girl replies, “My friends from church told me those reality show things are a shady business, but you now, I really need the money.”
Meredith pouts, “Oh, I see,” she smiles, “Well, good luck out there, I can promise you won’t get harmed.”
“Yeah, don’t you trust me?” Meredith says with her fingers reluctantly crossed.
“Oh, you’re so swee-“ the girl could not finish her sentence, as Meredith removes the paper bag from her head and shoves her down the basement.
The co-host looks up, “Oh, Pat. The things you make me do…” she says with a sigh.
“You agreed to it!” Marge shouts from the dinner table.
“Well, that’s because you won’t lend me any money.”
“Well,” her aunt replies, “That’s because moisturizers are expensive nowadays, I can’t have soft skin AND a financially stable niece. Life is made of hard decisions; you’re going to learn that sooner or later.”
Aunt Margarida is shown applying moisturizer to the bottom of her feet, “Well, maybe it wasn’t THAT hard of a decision.”
As the contestants hear the high-pitched scream coming from above, Gordie, Rich, Sid, Talon and Tamara run to catch the falling maiden.
“Ow!” “He just elbowed me!” Tamara denounces, pointing to the pile of men, with the newly arrived lady grinning awkwardly, gripping tight at Talon’s arms.
“Who?” Olga and Nyx ask simultaneously.
Tamara looks at the multiple men at the scene, “Ah, I…,” she flushes, “I have no idea,” she concludes before a sigh.
“Oh, thank you so much!” the slender brunette says to Talon, “I’m Rosalyn, nice to meet you.”
Talon holds her hand and kisses it, “The pleasure is all mine, mistress,” he shifts his eyes to the other three men who stand ogling her, “Well, maybe not ALL mine,” he mutters.
“Nothing,” he answers, “Let’s wait for our next competitors with the crew over there.” They lead towards the other contestants as the other three guys stay behind, exchanging uneasy glances.
“I’m sorry, golden boy, but you’re wrong!” a playful voice states.
Anna looks around adjusting her glasses, “Who is that?” she asks.
Gordie points to a lampshade, “I think it’s coming from that newfangled device!” he shouts.
The lamp turns on, revealing a woman with the shade covering her head, “Congratulations,” she says, removing the shade to reveal Patricia, “I bet you’re the smart one of the crew.”
“Sure,” Kelly says, “And I’m the goth.”
“Excuse me,” Patricia interrupts, “I’m supposed to be the clever one here.”
“Why did you cast me, then?” the model taunts.
The host, eyes twitching, clears her throat and says, “As I was saying, our friend Talon here is equivocated.” The contestants exchange confused glances.
“It means wrong!” Patricia yells, “It also means that you fourteen lucky people are the whole cast of Hostage, congratulations!”
Ginger raises her hand, “Um, excuse me. When are we moving to the show’s location?”
“You are at the show’s location,” Patricia announces, “It’s a catacomb, constructed by natives from the land you now know as Guatemala!”
“I do?” Gordie asks.
Darcy pumps his fist, “I knew it!” he shouts.
“Umm, excuse me,” Shoshana interrupts, “What tribe exactly are you talking about? As a history major, I have interest in old and moldy stuff, you know?”
Patricia’s eyes widen as she stutters, “Oh, th-they’re the...” she looks around the basement and notices a children’s book depicting a manatee in its cover, “The Guatemanas!”
Pablo raises his finger, “I have never heard of those,” he suspiciously states, “And I have heard of many things.”
“Yeah, and what’s up with all that crap lying around?” Rich asks, “It looks like my dorm.”
“Well,” Patricia speaks slowly, “That’s because the catacombs were used as a storage room for-“
“Priscilla!” Marge’s voice resonates from the hole in the roof, “Wrap up this filming and come help Meredith unclog the toilet!” the voice sounds lower as she walks away, “I told her not to flush the paper but does she listen? No, she doesn’t...”
Patricia sighs, “Okay, we’re in some old hag’s basement, are you happy now?” she says.
“Nah, we knew that,” Pablo says,
Darcy complements, “Yeah, I totes did know that too!”
Pablo states, “We were just messing with you.”
With a protuberant vein pumping in her forehead, Patricia barks at the cast, “Okay, I’ve had enough of you!” she throws two sheets of paper at them, “Here are the team divisions! Good luck! Now I have some toilets to fix!” The hostess marches up the stairs.
Nyx picks up the sheets from the floor; they say:
Anna – Ginger – Kelly – Nyx – Pablo – Rosalyn – Talon’
1 large melon, 2 squashes, cilantro, cayenne pepper, ground meat, shrimp, black beans, 6 onions, rice’
“Aww,” Nyx pouts, “Why does the other team get the cooler name?”
“Guess the game’s on?” Anna concludes, ignoring the actor, “Let’s have fun!”
“Oh!” Patricia cocks her head into the basement and says, “And don’t think I believe you’re all one happy bunch. I’ve been under there watching all of you arrive, and I already know how deep inside you all want to kill each other, right? Especially a certain group of individuals I won’t name,” she leers at Gordie, Rich, Sid, Tamara and Talon, “Have fun!” the host shouts before slamming the basement’s doors closed, leaving the contestants, especially the ones she mentioned, looking around uneasily.
“It must have been that ass Rich,” Gordie says, fuming, in the confessional, “Mate’s as brute as a donkey and as obstinate as a… Donkey too!”
Rich rolls his eyes, “Oh, great, I bet the suspicions will all fall above me,” he says, “Can’t say I’m not used to being wrongly accused of harassment by jealous sissies , though. I just hope they catch they realized it was all Sid’s fault. I mean, just look at him!”
“Oh,” Sid says, “He ain’t fooling me,”
“With that nice country boy act,” Talon says in the confessional.
“With that hippie-ass granola-eating crap,” Sid continues.
Talon says, “I caught him red-handed when I arrived-“
Sid says, “And I know exactly that kind of guy. Just-“
Anna is shown squealing, “I’m so excited to be-“
“Wait.” Both Sid and Talon say on a split screen.
Chapter 2 – Shady Business
“So...” Nyx breaks the awkward situation resulting from Patricia’s menacing words, “Where’s the wine?”
Kelly snorts, “Who are you, my mom?”
“Might as well be, you never know,” the boy answers with a smile.
Ginger raises a finger, “Okay, let’s ask the real questions here! Are we all really staying in one single moldy room?”
“Yeah,” Rich adds, “And where’s the restroom?”
“And where are we supposed to strategize and stuff?” Pablo asks, receiving a few glares, “Oh, come on! Don’t tell me you all plan to win this game with,” he makes a heart shape with his fingers, sticks his arms out and thrusts his hips as he says, “Love-making!”
“Pretty much,” Olga states bluntly.
“Ooooh, rad moves,” Nyx adds, “Where did you learn that?”
Pablo blushes, “Uh, uuuum… Dostoyevsky.”
“Oh,” Darcy adds smugly, “He’s been my favorite composer since I was five years old!”
Pablo raises an eyebrow at the prodigy.
“Okay, guys, I’m dead serious here,” Rich says, “Where’s the loo, I need to drop the kids at the-“
The door to the boiler room slams open, interrupting Rich’s rude remark, as Gordie comes out of it, “Jeez, folks, did you know that toilets from the big city spew fire when you flush ‘em? That was AMAZING!”
Shoshana limps towards a potted plant, “I’ll be over there regurgitating.”
Rosalyn breaks the uncomfortable mood left by Shoshana, “So, how we do a get-to-know-each-other game? Those are always fun!”
“Oh yeah,” Ginger says, “I’ve done a share of How Well Do You Know Your Friend challenges on my channel, my favorite one was with AxlGames, have you seen his LPs?”
“No,” Shoshana states upon returning.
“What’s even an LP?” Sid asks without much interest.
“I think it stands for Large Pig,” Gordie gives his two cents.
“Oh, Let’s Play,” Tamara says.
“Yeah,” Darcy adds, “Hurry up, I’m bored.”
“No, I mean, that’s what an LP is,” Tamara adds, “Axl also does other stuff in his channel. Reviews, challenges, and even a web-series! Pretty neat stuff.”
She receives many confused stares, “What? I have a son,” she explains.
“Well, that was not a lie, I do have a son,” Tamara says, “I just didn’t mention he is three years old,” she blushes, “Come on, admitting a crush on a Youtuber is not a good first impression for a motherly figure, right?”
When we come back to the basement, all twelve contestants are scattered around the couches and floor.
Anna complains, “I can’t handle this anymooooooore!”
“Is it just me or is it unbearably tedious here?” Talon asks.
“Nah, definitely,” Rosalyn answers, “I’d rather be doing something else right now.”
Talon asks, “Such as…?”
The girl blushes, but before she can say anything, Pablo whines, “There aren’t even interesting books down here,” he says rummaging through an old bookshelf, before picking up a book depicting a sweaty, shirtless young Latino on the cover, “Who even owns this, some menopausal Mexican matron?”
“Yeah,” Kelly adds, “Talk about planning. I’d rather be on ‘Naked and Afraid’ over this cubicle that reeks of feta cheese.”
Rich, who was just taking off his shoes, rapidly puts them back on and slides towards Kelly, “And I’d love to keep you company there,” he winks, “Then you’d have a REAL reason to be afraid.” He motions his eyes towards his crotch.
Kelly jumps away and shouts, “Shoshana, where’s the puking plant?”
“Over there near the telephone,” she says nonchalantly.
“What!” Pablo says, “There is a telephone here?”
“Ooooh,” Sid adds, “I could really use a peperoni pizza now.”
“Or,” Kelly says between hurls, “you know… call 911 to rescue us from this hellhole!”
Rosalyn looks up from a book, “It’s not that bad, I’m having fun!”
Kelly scoffs, “Oh, please! Stop being such a Pollyanna and admit this place *BLEEP*ing sucks.”
“Now, now,” Talon says, putting a hand on Kelly’s shoulder, “This is no situation to act like that, why don’t you go get a glass of water and-“
“Shove it up your-“ But before the redhead can finish her rude remark, the telephone rings loudly.
Darcy lights up, “Guys, it must me the hostess! “ he says.
“Really?” Shoshana asks, “Did you reach this conclusion by yourself?”
“Yes, I did!” he says proudly before picking up the receiver, “Hello, Patricia?”
“WHAT?” a raspy voice shouts, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
“IS IT PATRICIA?” Darcy shouts back.
“No, Marge! Patricia wants to talk to you about the challenge so listen up!”
The hostess descends the stairs, carefully avoiding the broken steps, “The challenges of this unique show,” she announces, “Are very… unorthodox, shall I say?”
“I don’t think any of us here is Jewish,” Sid states.
Patricia cringes but goes on on her speech, “Instead of a general theme, for every challenge, each week’s challenge will be based on a different, pre-existing reality show. What do you guys think?”
Shoshana speaks up, “I’m pretty sure Total Drama itself has done this theme before, man.”
“It-“ the hostess stutters, startled, “It did? How come I have never heard of it!”
“Glitch in the matrix?” Nyx suggests.
Patricia shrugs off and continues, “So, are you ladies excited for today’s challenge?” she asks.
Most contestants look around puzzled until Darcy raises a hand, “Um, Patricia… As far as my deduction skills go, there are at least seven guys here.”
“Yah mate,” Gordie complements, nodding.
Patricia eyes the contestants with a smirk, “We’ll see about that... as the challenge is based on world famous reality hit Chef Hatchet’s Crossdresser’s race!”
“Oh jeez,” Tamara says, “We had to cancel our cable TV back home because that show gave my little cousin a seizure.”
Ignoring Tamara’s story, Patricia continues to explain the challenge, “Each team will select a model, either a man or a woman, to be put in drag. Let your creative juices flow on that one, think outside the box! Now, two team members will be in charge of the creative part, two will work on the confection of the costume, and two will be our shoppers.”
Nyx’s eyes light up, “And where will we be shopping?”
“Hmm,” Patricia says, “Maybe ‘gathering’ is a better word in this context. You will find out soon,” a beeping noise is heard from above the basement, “I think your lift is just getting here.”
A garbage truck is shown parking in front of Aunt Margarida’s house.
“Oh,” the hostess continues, “The judging panel will be comprised of not only of Meredith and I, but also a secret special guest; a legend of the fashion industry! So I’d be careful on what to present, we want beauty but we also want concept. Good luck!”
The next scene shows the basement of Margarida’s house, the only person in it is Patricia. She sits the biggest couch with a sole ray of light right above her. From the stairs, one by one, contestants come down. Rosalyn enters, followed by Talon, Ginger, Kelly, Anna, Nyx, and finally Pablo. The contestants who comprise the Napping Kittens sit on the sofa in front of the hostess. They look less than happy.
“Well, well, well,” Patricia starts, “I guess you seven know why you’re here.”
“Come on,” Kelly says, “Do you have to rub it in?”
Talon continues, “Shhh, don’t fall for her tricks Kelly. That’s the exact reaction she wants!”
“Damn, Talon, you’re such a party pooper,” Patricia curses, “I knew I shouldn’t have let Meredith interfere with the casting process!”
“You can’t say that!” a female voice behind the camera shouts.
“Ahem,” Patricia starts, ignoring her staff, “As I said you know you are all here because you’re this week’s big, fat losers!”
“That’s not nice,” Anna mutters.
“And fat-shaming!” Nyx adds.
Pablo rolls his eyes, “Partners, you don’t have to be sad,” he says, “That challenge was total bogus anyway, shameless postmodernist queer propaganda.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Patricia says, “Why don’t we start with you then? Come with me,” she gets up, holds Pablo’s hand and heads to the boiler room.
Inside the room, Pablo looks confused, “Okay, why are we here again? I do not have any intention of partaking in the coitus with you.”
“My interests here are others,” Patricia says, “At least for now.”
Pablo raises an eyebrow, but the hostess continues, “So, Pablo… Tell me about your experience? How did the challenge go for you?”
“Oh,” Pablo says, “So you want to know what goes through my head? A kind of ‘what if history was told by losers’ twist? Pretty interesting concept, to be quite honest. The pleasure is mine.”
From Pablo’s Personal Narrative
Okay, I don’t think its news for anyone that I found this challenge completely tasteless. I get Patricia was trying to borrow ideas from other reality shows but she didn’t have to step so low as to use that one about drag queens. And I did let her know that right from the start, “I do not stand for this shameless postmodernist queer propaganda, Patricia!”
“I have no idea what you just said, plus you’re gay why don’t you like it?” the hostess spewed her ignorance all over me, leaving me too disgusted to reply.
Since all I wanted was to stay away from that sewing room mess, I decided to take the role of gathering material for our team’s look with Kelly. She didn’t seem to be having fun either.
“Ugh, that’s not fair,” she whined on the way to our… material gathering post, “All my knowledge about fashion is useless now because we have to get our clothes at a freaking dumpster!”
I didn’t feel like letting her know ‘fashion’ and ‘knowledge’ rarely match, so I just left her whining to herself and searched for the material on my own. Or at least I tried.
“Hello!” a deep voice startled me, “I always found Americans’ fashion sense strange but digging through clothing in a dumpster seems new to me, ohohohohohoho!” said the girl clad on a paradoxical fur coat with a midriff.
I wanted to avoid her but something about her… attracted me, “Oh, I see you’re from Russia.” I tried to be amicable.
“Yah,” she said with not much conviction, “But I don’t like to make small things like that define me, you know? For example, isn’t it much more interesting to know I work as a bakery clerk, yet I’m allergic to gluten? Ohohohohoho!”
Honestly, it wasn’t, but I did not want to be rude, “No,” alas, I could not contain myself, “I am much more interested on your knowledge about great mother Russia.”
“I don’t know, I left that country when I was four,” she said with a thick accent that suggested otherwise, “Now I’m just a simple bread-baking employee at HaLechem, do you like bagels?”
As I rummaged through the trash I found a twister mat, I knew it would do a pretty decent dress. I was so distracted I almost didn’t notice Olga’s slip-up. Almost, “Yeah, the ones with thyme are my favorites,” I said. But in my head all I could think was that this lady is hardly a legitimate Russian.
“Hustle, Paulo!” a raging Kelly shouted to me, carrying a lampshade over her right shoulder, and interrupting my researches on that enigmatic specimen who calls herself Olga. I just picked up whatever was by my side and ran behind the raging redhead.
The rest of the challenge consisted of me trying to avoid Nyx, who was a complete mess during the whole thing. He wanted to take charge of everything because apparently he is Overlord of The Gays, and each command he gave us accompanied a jet of saliva from his obnoxious lisp.
After being scolded by a model of all people, because a Twister Mat is apparently not a good item for draperies, I just hid under a table so I didn’t have to witness the parade of Judith Butler tomfoolery.
From Ginger’s Personal Narrative
Hey everyone, welcome to my vlog! Today we did the Fashion Designer Challenge, and I couldn’t be happier with my team” “And because I think you are the most fashionable out here, gurl,” my darling Nyx said to me, “I want you to work with me and help me come up with a concept.” I could see the other girls’ faces contort with jealousy, especially Rosalyn!
After I woke up to him and gave him a big hug – oh my god, it felt like hugging a jelly donut! He’s so cute! And so sassy! – we started planning out the outfit.
“Hey, I have a great idea,” I said, catching my partner-in-concept-creation’s attention, “Why don’t we take advantage of the fact our model is a total hottie and come up with some kind of swimwear? I’m sure you’re dying to see that!”
After a roaring laughter – oh my god, he laughs so funny! – he told me, “Smart girl! I wish I had thought of this before you.” See? The gay agreed with my idea, I’m a fashion genius!
“I think we could do a twist on the yellow polka-dot bikini,” He suggested.
“Yellow polka-dot trunks?”
But he was even smarter, “Yellow polka-dot speedo!”
From Kelly’s Personal Narrative
“Great!” I celebrated upon discovering the challenge ahead would involve modeling. One of my most prized talents is to earn money for being hot.
“Except,” the cranky hostess said, “Only men can pick the role of the model!”
I swore loudly while the Mexican guy ranted about post-colonialism or whatever, but serves him right because the hostess was a bitch to him. Hahahahaha!
My laughter didn’t last too long though, because off we went to a freaking dumpster! And that was somehow not the worst part.
“Vas happenin’?” that leather-jacketed stooge Rich approached me.
“You know, I guess it makes sense to see you here.” I said, pointing to my surroundings.
I thought he was going to get a clue, but, “You are right, I seem to be everywhere you go,” he said, “Quite the coincidence, huh?”
“Coincidence, sure,” I answered, “Now excuse me, I have better things to do, like rummaging through garbage.” And I knelt down near a pile of garbage.
“Thick and juicy, huh?” I heard from behind me, confirming he’s the most disgusting human being on earth.
“You know what, I agree,” I said, hitting his pasty white face with a moldy tangerine. And next thing I know he’s grabbing by my shirt and I’m sure I’m gonna see the first contestant getting expelled from the show.
But after what came next, I’d rather have him knock my teeth out of my mouth.
"Hmm, I like my women feisty."
From Talon’s Personal Narrative
I was pretty excited for this challenge, it seemed far less violent than what I’m used to see in Total Drama. Judging by the hostess, I was expecting some of Chris’ flair to show up.
Can’t say I was happy for too long, though, because my team came to the conclusion that…
“I think Talon should be the model” Rosalyn said.
“I agree!” complemented the ginger whose name escapes me.
“Mhm,” little Anna complemented in her Anna way.
I did not quite agree with their decision but Nyx raised a good point, “You don’t seem to deal really well with fashion, you know?” he said, “I agree with the girls.”
But my insecurity got the best of me, “Umm, I’m not sure if…”
“Trust me,” Rosalyn said, her face lighting up, “Because I trust in you,” she said before a reassuring tap in my back.
So there I was, doing absolutely nothing on my underwear for six hours until it was my time to shine.
“What the- What do mean this is my outfit?” I asked Nyx, who walked towards me holding nothing but a yellow speedo.
“Trust me,” he said with a smirk and a finger snap, “It’s all about concept, you know I’ll make it work.”
He did not make it work.
There I was, walking down the runway towards the hostess, Meredith, and that dude who hosts Operation Catwalk – What’s his name again? Tile? It’s something weird like this – Anyway, when I caught sight of my team collectively cheering for me, such a display of trust and teamwork, the excitement got the best of me and… uh… we all know what happened next.
From Rosalyn’s Personal Narrative
Oh, the challenge was fun! I was never the kind of girl to care about fashion and make-up, I buy everything at department stores – hahahaha – but I did use to knit with my grandmother back in the days, so…
As the one who felt more comfortable with the theme, Nyx was delegating spots, “So, Anna and…”
“I can do the confection with her,” I volunteered.
Ginger spoke up too, “Ooh, but me too! I have my own line of clothing! It’s called-“
“Okay, but do any of have experience in kitting?” Nyx interrupted her, going straight to the point – teehee – So in the end I was chosen to help Anna in the confection.
At first I thought Nyx was pretty rude to Ginger, I felt bad for the girl. But I can’t deny I was happy to do what I’m comfortable with, yay!
When deciding the model, I immediately threw in Talon’s name. It felt kinda awkward, but come on, he is definitely the cutest guy in this cast. That’s got to give him the edge!
“I agree!” Ginger jumped in. Guess great mind think alike!
After Nyx decided on it, Talon started acting really weird, “Trust me,” I told him, putting my best you-can-do-it face, “Because I trust in you!”
I… I did feel my heart race when I put my hand on his back. It was kinda awkward, but come on, the guy is hot! He needs to own that!
Sorry, I’m getting carried away. Anyway, I- I mean, we got him to do it! And in the end everyone was happy, even poor Ginger who got a pretty great spot as co-creator of our team’s runway look. So, off I went to the sewing spot.
“Here’s the fabric,” Nyx told me, dumping a pile of yellow circles in front of me. I thought it was a weird choice of material, but I didn’t want to ruin the guy’s mood so I just smiled and started sewing together Talon’s speedo.
Or at least I tried to, but at least once each minute... “Hey, Roz,” Nyx came up to me, his nostrils were open wide and the sweat running down his face, “You know how to operate the machine, right?” the guy was scaring me.
“Roz! Make sure you only use the yellow fabric!”
He was a nervous wreck.
“Roz! Sew the front part REALLY tight, okay?”
He wouldn’t stop micromanaging!
“Roz! Don’t forget to put the needle on the machine!”
And in the most ridiculous details!
Like, did he even acknowledge Anna’s existence?
It was driving me insane! But I did manage to do everything right and hand it to Nyx. And off he went, taking to Talon the clothes I made with my own two hands! Teehee.
Okay, now I have to confess I was pretty shocked when I saw Talon walk in. I mean, not that he isn’t totally attractive or anything, but… how can I say?
“Oh, great! Someone killed our model and replaced it with a woolly mammoth!” Kelly grunted loudly.
“Aww, come on,” I tried to calm her down, after all, I really don’t like negative people, “Some people find excessive body hair attractive. I mean, not me, but, some other people who… are not me.”
But all she had to tell me was, “Sure, Jan.” Like, she doesn’t even take her time to remember people’s names, talk about rude!
After Tal - or Anamaria LaPolka, whatever suits you best - walked half the runway I noticed he was getting a little uncomfortable, so I started feeling really bad for him, with the flushed cheeks and awkward smile.
“I think he needs some encouragement,” I suggested
“Let’s go, Talon!” Ginger suddenly shrieked in my ears, “You can do it! I think you’re really hot!”
I thought Ginger was very sweet, so I tried to join in, you know?
“Yeah, I do so too! I think you’re really hot-er!”
Kelly, being the sour hag she is, just rolled her eyes at us while we encouraged him. Can’t handle some positive attitude, that one. In fact, I think it was her negative vibes that caused the disaster that followed. Poor Tals!
From Anna’s Personal Narrative
Oh, so, in the challenge we were supposed to design an outfit. Nyx, talking charge, put me in the role of seamstress next to Rosalyn. I was proud of myself for speaking up, actually.
“I normally knit my own sweaters.”
I don’t know if they heard me, but I ended up working in the sewing machine anyway and that’s what matters, right?
So, while I set up the sewing machine with Roz I noticed Rich and Olga from the other team heading to the dumpster to get the material. Poor Kelly, that guy’s a tool. I’m actually really happy we got the gay boys and Talon who’s really sweet. Oh, speaking of Talon…
“Isn’t he a beefcake?” Rosalyn asked me and I just silently nodded. Thank god I’m black so my cheeks didn’t give me in. I hate this kind of situation.
Waiting for the material gatherers to come back was extremely boring, so I just talked to Rosalyn while looking at the other team’s station.
“And this is how you turn it on, you see?” Darcy told Sid in a patronizing way, as always.
“Oh, thanks!” the jock hugged the small fry, “You’re really smart, dude. How did you learn this?”
“Just my intuition,” He answered while stealthily throwing away the sewing machine’s manual.
“Don’t you think so?” Rosalyn woke me up from my daydreaming.
As always, smile and nod.
“Hey, Roz,” Nyx suddenly came in with the collected material, completely ignoring my existence, “You know how to operate the machine, right?”
He was visibly stressed, poor guy. But what really drew my attention was the material he brought in, it was just yellow pieces of whatever the hell that was.
“Uh, Nyx! How do you plan on presenting this to the judges?”
And… he was gone. Welp, whatever, Rosalyn had no idea either so we just started sewing up the speedo and hoping for the best.
“Roz! Sew the front part REALLY tight, okay?”
I mean, at least I started sewing up the speedo. Rosalyn was being constantly interrupted by a micromanaging Nyx, so I’d be surprised if she managed to contribute to this challenge in any way.
Still, he didn’t seem to bother to micromanage me, so who am I to complain? Now, when runway time came I was really apprehensive.
First of all, their queen is Shoshana and she’s gorgeous! She came out wearing only a shiny leotard and cape, the fabric that reminded me of the Milky Way was clung tightly to her perfect curves! They also somehow managed to put two silver hula-hoops floating around her like magic! And her prosthetic leg not only matched perfectly with her drag persona, Queen of the Universe, but it also caused quite a commotion among everyone – I mean, not me, it was obvious from day one – and you know how big of a market representativity is nowadays!
And second of all…
“So, she's wearing… make-up, a yellow speedo, and a fur coat,” Meredith states as Talon -Anamaria LaPolka- walks out into the runway, “Is that really all there is to it?”
“Uuh, that’s not a fur coat, Meredith. That’s my chest.” Poor Talon answered, red as a beet,
Patricia just rolled her eyes like always, “That’s even worse!” she shouted, disappointed.
And to make things somehow worse-er even Brick McArthur, the sweetest guy ever, threw shade at us, “You know the main criteria we will judge you in is creativity, right?” he said.
Then Nyx gave him an explanation so pitiful I feel too much secondhand embarrassment to say here, I’m sorry.
Oh, and of course, the grand finale! Turns out his garment couldn’t handle the… excitement, so if our loss wasn’t guaranteed from the beginning it sure was now thanks to the power of testosterone.
From Nyx’s Personal Narrative
Are you freaking kidding me, fashion challenge in the first day, yaaaaaaas! I couldn’t be happier with the team, so many ideas going through my head! So first of all, I had to handpick who would do what.
Pablo and Kelly are two Grinches and I did not want any of their bad energy interfering with our plans, so nothing better than sending them to the dumpster. Hahahahahahaha! Sorry guys, I like to be surrounded by smiles.
“I can gather stuff,” Pablo said, startling me. Girl, that was easier than I expected!
“Okay, then you can go with Kelly,” I said, getting rid of the two Debbie Downers, “Anna, you have delicate hands, you can sew. So, Anna and…”
“I can do the confection with her,” Rosalyn volunteered.
Ginger tried to butt in too, “Ooh, but me too! I have my own line of clothing! It’s called-“
But honestly, she doesn’t really seem like the brightest bulb. So I just cut her right there and gave her the spot of co-creator with me, so she would do nothing and still feel proud of it.
“Hey, I have a great idea.”
And pretty soon I regretted it, “Sure, dear?” I asked, preparing myself for the worst,
“Why don’t we take advantage of the fact our model is a total hottie and come up with some kind of swimwear? I’m sure you’re dying to see that!” Okay, first of all, that’s rude AND stereotypical. But I had to pretend to take it as a joke and gave my best hearty laugh – god, theater experience helps a lot in daily life – “Smart girl! I wish I had thought of this before you.”
I said that partially because despite being rude and stereotypical, she was right. But mostly because Kelly and Pablo brought even less material than I expected, so all I could do with it was swimwear, “I think we could do a twist on the yellow polka-dot bikini” I suggested.
“Yellow polka-dot trunks?”
Oh, silly girl. You give me the idea of making Talon serve body-ody-ody, and that’s the best you can come up with? So I declared:
“Yellow polka-dot speedo!”
After having to babysit Rosalyn at the sewing machine – after all, everything must go PERFECTLY – I was finally handed the garment, and guess what? Talon reacted by SCOWLING at me upon seeing it!
“What’s the matter?” I tried to calm him down, “Don’t you like your outfit?”
“What the- What do you mean this is my outfit?”
But I couldn’t let the alpha male intimidate me, so I put on my boss ass bitch face and snapped my fingers loud and clear, “It’s all about concept, you know I’ll make it work.”
After a sigh he stepped out on the runway. He looked very self-conscious while there, but that was already expected. What wasn’t expected were the judges’ critiques upon meeting Tal- I mean, Anamaria LaPolka!
“You know the main criteria we will judge you in is creativity, right?” said THE Brick McArthur, fashionista extraordinaire.
But I didn’t let him intimidate me just because he used his Total Drama fame to land in a reality show hosting gig, “Well, the outfit may appear simple, but it’s all about the concept.”
While Talon made his way along the runway, Brick interrogated me, “And what would that concept be?”
“You see,” I said, putting the straightest face I could – without compromising my flaming homosexuality hahahahahaha, get it? – “Well, you see. It is a twist in the classic yellow polka-dot bikini.”
“But,” Patricia interrupted with her ignorance, “This is just a yellow speedo!”
“That because,” I explained them, “It is a speedo made entirely out of yellow polka-dots!”
Behind me Pablo lifted up the Twister mat, which was missing every single yellow spot. The judges gasped in a mix of shock and admiration, I was sure I had everything in the bag at that point, until…
I knew I should have taken care of the sewing too! The stitches were obviously not resistant enough. The only thing that comforts me is that at least we know whose fault it is.
“So,” Patricia said, eyeing the seven members of the Napping Kittens, “Now that you all have given me your side of the story, and voted for who should go home… I would like to her your opinions. Ginger, what did you base your vote on tonight?”
Ginger smiled and said, “Well, Patricia, I voted based on who I think deserves to go home the most based on challenge performance.”
“So you don’t believe in votes for strategical reasons?” Patricia kept asking, “Or personal?”
The Youtuber’s eyes widen, “No, of course not! I think our priority should be keeping our team strong for challenges.”
“Do you agree with her,” the hostess asks, “Talon?”
“Oh, definitely,” he says, causing Rosalyn to suddenly turn to him, “But when it comes to challenges my main concern is keeping the positive personalities around. Teamwork should always be put above sheer strength or intelligence.”
Kelly and Pablo roll their eyes, then look away from each other upon noticing the similar gesture.
“I agree with him,” Rosalyn says.
“Yeah, me too,” Ginger adds.
“Yup!” Nyx adds with his usual wide smile, “I think the people who worked hard and gave it their best attitude are definitely safe.”
Patricia gets up and brings back a box, “Inside this box…” she starts, “Are not your votes.”
The contestants gasp.
“Because you didn’t vote on parchments, obviously,” she says with a smirk as they grunt, “Here are the coupons that renovate the stay of six of you into this luxurious mansion!”
“Patricia, we’re living in a basement,” Pablo questions, but is silenced with an angry hiss from the host.
“Anyway,” Patricia continues sweetly, “The coupons go to…”
“Well, the criteria seemed to be to take out the negative personalities,” Patricia says, looking at Rosalyn and Nyx, “But the fact that some people,” she raises her eyebrows at Kelly and Pablo, “are safe seem to indicate otherwise. So with that, the last coupon goes to…”
“Rosalyn,” the hostess says, giving the brunette her piece of paper, “Which means, Nyx, you are the first person to be released from Hostage. Your ride awaits upstairs.”
The chubby kid gets up from the sofa and starts hugging his teammates one by one, giving each a kiss on each cheek. “My mom said physical contact with strangers is impolite but who cares,” he says, smiling, “You’re all beautiful people!”
Ginger makes a heart-shaped sign with her hands while Nyx climbs up the stairs, “Bye guys!” he says one last time, “Sorry if I let my perfectionism get the best of me! Love you all, please don’t let the Groceries win this thing!”
Kelly hugs Ginger, who is visibly crying, “It’s okay, kid. Look at how happy he always is.”
“You should keep like that too,” Talon added, patting the Youtuber on her back, “Always keep positive.”
“But he was a real…” she says between sobs, “Friend.”
A single tear falls from Pablo’s cheek, “Hell, even I am missing the guy right now!”
Chapter 3 – The Pain, Death, Tears, and Suffering Project
After Nyx leaves by the stairs, Patricia soon follows.
Rosalyn throws herself on one of the sofas, “When are the other guys coming?”
“I don’t know,” Kelly says, “You could have asked that literally two seconds ago when the host was here.”
“I was just trying to get some conversation started,” Rosalyn says before sighing, “I wish my team had nicer people.”
Talon glares at Kelly, “Come on, now,” he says, “Can’t you see she’s just trying to be sociable? We shouldn’t be so harsh on each other.”
“Yeah,” Pablo complements, “It’s not like we’re all competing against each other for an ultimate monetary goal.”
“I’m not here for the money,” Talon answers defensively. But Pablo, instead of answering, just rolls his eyes and grabs a book from an old shelf.
“Well, you should be,” Kelly says, “First thing I’d do would be a makeover. Your clothes have a pungent odor of dry sweat and illicit substances.”
Ginger, her face still swollen from crying, says, “I’m not here for the money either. It’s all about exposure,” a rope of snot trickles down her nose.
“See?” Talon says, “We all have different goals here, and we should respect one another regardless.”
Rosalyn is shown gushing in the confessional, “Aww, no matter how much I try not to let my emotions get the best of me, I just can’t! Not only is Talon a cutie, but he’s so selfless!”
Patricia is shown making her way along a hallway, still in the suit she wears while hosting. She heads towards a door where a sign saying “STAFF” hangs. Upon opening, the room is revealed to be a bedroom. Almost all furniture is covered with a plethora of monitors and other gadgets, and a tangled mess of wires is scattered around the carpet floor. On the bed, Meredith lies in her pajamas while two cats, a black and an orange one, play with each other on her stomach.
“So, how was it?” she asks Patricia.
The hostess frowns, “Weren’t you watching?” she asks.
Meredith says, “I mean, I was but,” she looks down at her cats as they rub on each other, “I got sidetracked.”
Patricia sighs, but regains her composure, “It’s okay, it went fine. Nyx is gone.”
“Aww, really?” Meredith asks, “I liked the guy.”
“So much for diversity,” Patricia says, rolling her eyes.
Her co-host coughs and says, “That’s why you don’t fill three minority slots with one person.”
“I didn’t do that on purpose! I just liked the guy!”
“Ugh, okay!” says Patricia, “Now get changed, we need to explain the winning team what the hell is happening.”
“Not now, don’t you see I’m busy?” she points at the cats lying on her stomach and whispers, “It’s a delicate situation.”
Patricia brings her palm to her forehead.
On the main floor of the house, the seven members of Groceries sit around on a large, red corner sofa.
Gordie knocks his boots on the wooden floor, “Brazilian Cherry?” he remarks, shocked, “Dangummit, that’s some good wood!”
“That’s what she said,” Rich adds, snickering.
“Who ya talkin’ bout?” Gordie asks.
Tamara stands up and pats the country boy’s head, “Don’t listen to him, sweetie. You’re too good.” She makes her way to the kitchen and Shoshana soon follows while everyone else sits in silence.
“So…” Olga breaks the ice, “Please tell me I’m not the only who has absolutely no idea what’s in the making.”
Rich gives a sigh of relief, “Phew, I thought it was just me.”
“Yeah,” Darcy adds, “Even I have to admit I have no clue.”
“Really?” Sid asks confusedly, “I thought it was pretty clear?”
Darcy laughs, “Okay, speak up then, Sherlock.”
Sid blushes, “Well, I was jus’ thinking,” he says before a pause, “Since we won the last challenge, we mighta been rewarded with the luxury floor or something.”
Darcy looks taken aback.
“Okay,” Olga says, “But that doesn’t answer one thing.”
Darcy quickly recovers his usual grin, “Yeah, it doesn’t!” he says, glaring at Sid.
“What?” the jock asks.
“Well,” Olga says while pointing at a corner, “What is that doing here?”
The camera pans to reveal Meredith’s morbidly obese aunt lying on an armchair, drool trickling down the side of her mouth. The five guys plus Olga look at it with slightly disturbed expressions.
“Good gravy!” Gordie says with a dazed expression, “I have never seen such an impressively rotund woman since aunt Bertha got pregnant with the octuplets! Cousin Bean must see that!” he looks down and sighs, “I wish there was a way to register images and send them to other people.”
In the kitchen, Tamara and Shoshana discuss their teammates.
“You know what?” Shoshana says, “Our team is not half bad.”
“Yeah,” Tamara agrees, “It’s just one seventh bad.”
“Oh, nothing dear,” Tamara says, “So, any boy you got an eye on yet?”
Shoshana looks taken aback, “Oh, wow!” she says, “I thought you were supposed to be the mom.”
Tamara blushes, “Aren’t moms supposed to keep an eye on their children’s love life?” she asks.
“Gotcha. But no,” Shoshana says, “Actually I’m…”
“Oooooh,” Tamara interrupts, “So any girls you got an eye on?”
Shoshana raises her hand, “I was gonna say engaged.”
At that moment, Gordie enters the kitchen and rummages through the fridge.
“So,” Shoshana keeps talking, ignoring the blond boy, “Any idea what we’re supposed to do from here? I thought Patricia would explain us the rules.”
Gordie closes the fridge with a handful of cherries, before leaving he stops by the girls and spits a seed in the trash can, “Pretty hair,” he says bluntly to Shoshana. Upon obtaining no response he scurries away.
“Creep,” Shoshana whispers to Tamara.
The mother considers, “Nah, I think this one means well,” she says, “For now.” She grabs Shoshana by the arm and walks back to the living room, “Let’s go, we don’t want to isolate ourselves.”
“Too late,” Shoshana states upon encountering the living room empty, save for Aunt Margarida.
“Oh, there you are!” says Meredith upon arriving the living room. She is barefoot, wearing an unbuttoned suit and pajama pants; however, her make-up and hair are on point.
Shoshana raises an eyebrow, “Should I ask?”
“No, come with me,” Meredith says, leading the girls down a hallway, “Patricia needs to control her anxiety, is three mere hours to get ready too much for her?”
The two contestants exchange glances worriedly, but before they could say anything Meredith blares, “There we are! The dining room,” she points the two girls to a large wooden table where the rest of their team sits.
Patricia also sits in it, near an empty chair which is soon occupied by Meredith, “See?” the co-host whispers, “There was plenty of time.”
“Congratulations,” the hostess announces, ignoring Meredith, “The Ravishing Ransoms, for winning the first team challenge!”
“I thought we were called ‘Groceries’?” Olga says as the hostess raises an eyebrow.
“I like Groceries better,” Rich adds, much to Patricia’s dismay.
“Yeah,” says Sid, “I don’t even know what Ravishing is,” he pauses, “… or Ransom.”
Darcy scoffs, “What are you, a fourth grader?” Sid looks down.
“Nevertheless,” Darcy adds, “I also prefer Groceries.”
Patricia barks, “I said it’s The Ravishing Ransoms, and so it is!”
“Err, Pat?” Meredith says.
The co-host blushes as she raises two large banners: a pink one depicting the face of a cat, and a green one depicting a head of cabbage.
“GROCERIES! GROCERIES!” The team chants together, "GROCERIES! GROCERIES!"
Patricia abruptly pushes her chair away from the table and gets up, “Okay I’m done!” she screams at the contestants and Meredith, “You guys won the first challenge so you can stay on the main floor, you will have real food and entertaining stuff-“
“Like what?” Gordie asks excitedly.
“I DON’T CARE!” she barks back at him, “That’s it! That’s all you need to know! Now I hope you lose the next challenge!” she delivers her last line right before leaving, and slamming the living room door.
The contestants and Meredith sit around the table in absolute silence; the door starts to open with a loud creak, and from it comes Patricia. The host walks towards the table, grabs a cup, pours herself some tea and walks towards the door, mumbling to herself, “I need some chamomile before I jump in front of Marge’s lawnmower, holy-“ she leaves and slams the door.
Amid the dead silence, Gordie speaks up, “No, really, what kind of entertainment?”
Downstairs the Napping Kittens wait, stranded all over the beat-down furniture.
Rosalyn, who is cuddled up with Talon on an armchair, says, “What do you guys think the next challenge would be?”
“Stop asking questions,” Kelly says, “No one else is excited for this thing! Right, guys?”
Anna slowly raises her arm.
“See?” Kelly finishes.
“That’s not true,” Talon says as Anna opens up a smile, “I’m excited too.” He finishes as the short girl frowns
“Yeah,” Rosalyn says, “You should be grateful, many people wanted to be in your place right now.”
Kelly sighs, “Thank you, I’ll reconsider my life choices.”
“Nice!” Rosalyn cheers, “We did it, boo,” she whispers in Talon’s ear as they snuggle.
Ginger nudges Kelly and Anna, “Shoot,” the vlogger mumbles, “She took the only male in our team to herself.” Pablo, who sits by the bookshelf reading, looks insulted.
“Who cares?” Kelly asks.
“What do you mean who cares?” Ginger pouts, “I was looking forward to a summer fling. Plus, having a romance would so make me stand out.”
Kelly files her nails, “Not worth the burden,” she says.
“I mean,” Ginger continues, “I could always settle for a girl.”
“Really?” Anna asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” the Youtuber replies, “pretty sure the controversy would draw a lot of attention… but that would be gross.”
Kelly continues filing her nails while Anna fidgets with her tiny thumbs.
“Hello, hostages!” Patricia announces, coming downstairs.
“Thank god,” Anna mutters under her breath.
Rosalyn jumps from Talon’s lap, “Yay!” she hugs him.
Patricia smiles wide, “Glad to see SOMEONE excited! You guys should learn from her,” she points to Rosalyn.
“Ha, ha,” Kelly laughs dryly, prompting some glares, “Sorry, something’s stuck in my throat.”
“Sure,” Patricia dismisses her, “Anyway, let’s meet on the front porch because a WICKED challenge awaits you!”
“Wicked?” Talon asks, concerned, “We won’t have to do anything immoral, right? Or illegal?”
“MAMMA MIA!” Patricia exclaims, “You guys really don’t get it, huh?”
“I didn’t know Patricia was Italian,” Ginger whispers in Kelly’s ear.
Both teams are shown in the front porch of Margarida’s house, “So we were in a mansion this entire time, huh?” Rosalyn says, “Who would have thought?”
Darcy raises a finger, “I did!”
“Yeah, sure,” Patricia butts in, “Welcome, GUYS AND DOLLS to the second challenge of Hostage!”
“Dolls?” Shoshana says, “Gross.”
“And sexist,” Pablo adds.
“Oh, come on,” Patricia says, “Those lines were handpicked by THE PRODUCERS, it’s supposed to build up for the challenge! Do you guys have no culture?”
Anna mumbles, ”Is it about musicals?”
“I thought so,” Patricia continues, “So none of you guys have got a clue? Today we are basing our challenge off musicals!”
“Umm, Patricia,” Pablo interrupts, “Since when are musicals a kind of reality show?”
The host starts, “Well-”
“Not that I watch any reality shows, that is,” Pablo adds.
“As I was saying,” continues the host, “This challenge is based on musical-themed reality shows, more specifically an icon of the Total Drama series, Total Drama World Tour!” Some of the cast cheers.
“So, each of the teams will be assigned a song from the classic show,” the hostess explains, “And using the props provide,” she points to a pile of junk consisting of a rusty train wagon, a blackboard, several boxes of chalk, and a wheelchair, “Plus anything else you want, must recreate a music video. Understood?” Mumbles are heard from the contestants.
The next scene is the familiar basement of Margarida’s house, the only person in it is Patricia, sitting at the same couch, and illuminated by the same light as before. From the stairs, one by one, contestants come down. Shoshana enters in crutches, followed by Tamara, Olga, Darcy, Gordie, Rich with his left arm in a cast, and finally Sid. The contestants who comprise the Groceries sit on the sofa in front of the hostess, looking beat.
“Oh, cut it,” Rich says, “We look like crap, and we feel like crap. Can we go on to the confessional rigmaroles?”
The hostess sighs, “Fine, come on Darcy.”
The prodigy follows the host to the boiler room.
From Darcy’s Personal Narrative
While I excel in every intellectual competition out there, acting is my weak spot, so I made sure to put myself in the position of director.
“Okay, Groceries,” I said, assigning the spots to my teams, “Our team was assigned I’m Gonna Make it, which takes four actors. Sid and Soshana can be our attractive couple!”
“Bro,” Sid hesitated, but I used my social skills to calm the big guy down.
“You can do it, man,” I said, “Try to think of it as a… bodybuilding competition.”
“I don’t know just do it!”
After my little damage control, I continued assigning the roles, “Rich is going to help me with the props, so Gordie and Tamara, I need you for the weird couple in the wheelchair.”
“What about I?” Olga asked. I didn’t really know what to say at the time, I wanted her out because she’s not very… camera friendly.
“You can stand aside and catch Shoshana when Sid throws her off the train.”
“Throw me off the train?” Shoshana shouted to my dismay, “I can’t do that, man. My leg.”
“Aww, please let me sit in the wheelchair!” Olga shrieked some more, “I have a really beautiful voice, listen,” and after that she emitted some noise reminiscent of a chicken bone stuck in the trash disposal.
“Well, that’s close enough to Sierra’s pitch,” I humbly proposed, “So Gordie can sit on your lap in the wheelchair.”
“Yay!” she cheers.
“Okay,” Tamara said, “So I’ll catch Shoshana when she falls?”
“My leg, dude.”
I thought for a second we were a lost cause over there, but I took a deep breath and remember that I am the best, “Okay so let’s settle this way: Tamara and Sid will be the attractive couple who tango together,” I said as the two smiled at each other, “And Olga and Gordie will be the weird couple in the wheelchair.”
They seemed both really excited by that for some reason. Freaks.
Anyway, off we went to the old railway station to record our musical piece. The hot couple was on the train, Shoshana ready to catch the falling Tamara, and Rich next to me holding the lines to the actors.
From Gordie’s Personal Narrative
Ooooh man, the challenge was amazing! I still don’t know how we lost, Olga and I were such a power couple, and it’s all thanks to my mate Rich. Thanks Rich!
Before the challenge I was really, really bummed because I wanted to talk to Olga. She’s really my type of girl, but I was so insecure. Ahm from the country and she’s from Venezuela or something… Ya know how these people from Asia are all fancy and stuff.
In the beginning I was really bummed because Olga wasn’t going to be my partner, but it all changed when her angelic voice changed Darcy’s mind!
“Well, that’s close enough to Sierra’s pitch,” Darcy said, “So Gordie can sit on your lap in the wheelchair.”
“Yay!” the shortie cheered. Dude, I was pumped! Now I just had to do what my mate Rich told me.
So there we were, Olga sitting in the wheelchair was gorgeous! Made me think of my aunt Gertrude, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen... She has chronic arthritis or something.
And while I was sitting in her lap, her chubby little lap, I could see her white cheeks blushing. The girl was in love with me too! I wanted the moment to last forever; too bad our verse was so small.
"I never thought I'd get this far.
Let's face it, I'm no TV star.”
“The drawl really complements the line, don’t you think Rich?” Darcy said, and my buddy nodded. He also blinked at me, it was our sign!
“But now I'm in the final three,
Unless we get caught in that tree!”
When I finished that line I was set! So I just pinched that blubber outta her back and whispered right in her ear, “Can’t wait to sizzle with ya, porkchop.”
Her horrified scream upon getting caught in the tree was perfect! My baby’s such a great actress.
“You're gonna make it.
They can't stop you now, let them try.”
She sang with her angelic voice, I could see the burning passion in her eyes!
“Our fortune's waiting
And they can kiss it all bye-bye-bye.”
Darcy cut my dream short just there, but the tale is not over! Can’t wait for me and my Porkchop to meet after the elimination ceremony for some smooch-smooch!
From Rich’s Personal Narrative
Wow, that challenge was a blast! Too bad we lost it, heheh.
“Hey mate,” the bumpkin came talking to me, “We have to perform that song where Cody sits on Sierra’s lap and stuff, can ya help a pal out?”
“You came to the right place,” I said, “So, things didn’t go well with Shoshana? Are you gonna settle for the fat chick?”
“Yeah, she’s pretty darn hot too,” the poor guy said, “Can ya help me with her?”
“Of course, bro.”
I gave him some advice, but he ended up sitting in Shoshana’s lap the poor guy… No wait nevermind!
“Aww, please let me sit in the wheelchair! I have a really beautiful voice, listen,” the fat chick said before screeching worse than my first girlfriend after we did an-
“WHO WHOA WHOA!” Patricia interrupts Rich’s narration, “You can’t say that kind of crap here. Oh, and her name is Olga. But go on.”
Back to Rich’s Personal Narrative
Okay, so yeah, after her little tantrum the fat chick got what she wanted. Right there I could see the bumpkin didn’t even need me. He could get her by himself.
During the recording of their scene I was sure she was thirsty for his sugar cane, so I just winked at the bumpkin and left to see how things were going with good ol’ Tammy and the lug.
“What do you mean smart? I was held back in ninth grade!”
And Tammy was opening up to him like that already. Typical.
“At least you made it to ninth grade!”
Oooooh, but looks like it didn’t last too long. He broke Tammy’s heart already; I should step in and save the day.
She was a little reluctant at first, “Oh, come on Darcy, I can’t do this!”
But they all are. Soon enough we were already dancing hand in hand as it should be.
“This show's a train, it's moving fast.
You and I weren't meant to last.
Voting for me just wasn't right,
So look out now, you're in my sights.”
I nailed it! And soon came Tammy with the second verse.
“Mr. Fair now, suddenly
I have to barf now, excuse me!”
The lyrics weren’t the most touching, but hearing her voice was enough to put me in a trance.
“Don't try to make me feel ashamed.
I know you would've done the same.”
And there came the crowning moment, the synchronism!
“You are the worst, why must you torment me?”
Ah, the tango position! So romantic! Darcy said something but I was too distracted gazing at Tammy’s enormous… eyes. That was the highest moment, and then…
“It's all a game to you, but not to me.”
As we were doing the final movement I don’t know what came to her but she just FLUNG me off the train! She was supposed to drop me gently! Thank god something broke my fall.
It was brutal! While lying on the floor over my arm, I was sure it was broken. I fell over something rather uncomfortable and couldn’t move for a while because of the pain and lightheadedness, but I did hear voices.
“What is wrong with her?”
“What was that you lunatic?”
“Dude, she completely lost her mind.”
Next thing I know I was in the infirmary with this cast over my left arm, how am I supposed to relax at night now? It just doesn’t feel the same with the right ha-“
“Okay, we’ve heard enough!” Patricia interrupts, “Thank you for your input, Rich.”
From Olga’s Personal Narrative
Oh no! This challenge started like such a beautiful fairytale…
So, I always got my eye on this cutie pretty boy Gordie because he looks like such a pure, gallant prince. And we got such a romantic theme to work in the challenge, it was the perfect opportunity!
“Rich is going to help me with the props, so Gordie and Tamara, I need you for the weird couple in the wheelchair.” Darcy commanded.
I was bummed when he chose the Tamara over me, but what can I do? I just accepted my fate. But when Darcy delegated me my post, “You can stand aside and catch Shoshana when Sid throws her off the train.” Everything changed.
“Throw me off the train?” Shoshana gasped, giving little ol’ me some hope, “I can’t do that, man. My leg.”
Poor girl, with her por… pran… pancreatic leg and all, but I couldn’t let the opportunity of having that beefcake sit on my lap slip by, “Aww, please let me sit in the wheelchair!” I said, and taking this moment where all eyes were on me I showed them a reason to pick me, “I have a really beautiful voice, listen.”
I knew after my performance Darcy would change his mind, “Well, that’s close enough to Sierra’s pitch, so Gordie can sit on your lap in the wheelchair.”
He gave in. Thank you for the choir lessons, Ima!
Where was me? Oh! Right, the wheelchair scene.
I was very scared because Gordie is such a beautiful man and I am this clumsy little town girl, so I looked red as a beet! Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
Well, he was too, so that gave me a little confidence. Maybe he… likes me back? I shrugged the possibility off and said a “hi” before starting to film. Boy, I wish that moment last forever…
"I never thought I'd get this far.
Let's face it, I'm no TV star.”
…especially after what came next. Just that sweet, gallant accent! Oooooh, it was delightful!
“But now I'm in the final three,
Unless we get caught in that tree!”
And when I was ready for my line, it happened. The fairytale came crumbling, just like my tarts when I forget the eggs. He whispered something so disgusting in my ear I refuse to repeat here… but it horrified me!
I only could scream! It was a mix of disappointment and pain, but I had to put on my brave face and continue with the challenge.
“You're gonna make it.
They can't stop you now, let them try.”
I didn’t change the pitch of my voice because we needed to win, but my eyes did not leave him for one second! I was afraid he would make another unexpected movement
“Our fortune's waiting
And they can kiss it all bye-bye-bye.”
It was, how do you say? A reality check. I left the wheelchair knowing my s-sweet *sniffle* innocent p- prince *sniffle* d-didn’t exist, b-but… At least I had the c-conviction… we had w- won the challenge *sniff* *sniff* WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
From Tamara’s Personal Narrative
I was really glad Sid was the one to do it with me, first because he seemed like a real sweet guy, and second because it could be much worse.
“This show’s a train, it’s going fast-“
“CUT!” Darcy’s voice boomed over Sid’s first line, “It’s moving fast!” the director added.
“Really?” poor Sid asked with a pout, “I thought I was on time.”
I had to act before Darcy hurt his feelings, “He means the lyrics sweetie. This show is a train, it’s moving fast.”
With an “ooooooh” and a facepalm we went on, “Voting for me just wasn’t right, so look at now you’re in- no wait, DAMN!”
“It’s okay, darling,” I said, patting his back, “It’s pretty demanding, I’m gonna mess up a thousand times too!”
“No, you won’t,” he said back to me, “You won’t because you’re smart.”
Poor guy! I had to give him a pep talk, “What do you mean smart? I was held back in ninth grade!”
“At least you made it to ninth grade!” his response broke my heart, but it was too late to patch things up as he ran away crying. It was a hard scene to swallow… at least for me, “I’m going to get him,” I volunteered.
“No need to,” Director Darcy intervened, “If the crybaby can’t handle it we get a grown man to do the job!”
I tried to put some sense into him, “It’s not that he can’t handle it, he can’t-“
“Did someone say grown man?” a voice emerged, chilling my spine, “The Dick is here to put some sense in those pussies.”
“Don’t call him that!” I said, “And I thought you hated being called Dick, Rich.”
The dick shrugged, “Eh, I can handle it for the sake of the pun.”
“Okay, I’m gonna look for Sid,” I dismissed, “Shoshana can handle that, right Shosh?”
But with a single word she killed any hope I had, “Leg.”
“So, Olga, maybe?” I suggested, “Gordie can sit on my lap and we’ll go from there!”
“Whatcha talkin’ bout, missus?” Gordie’s drawl startled me.
Olga butted in, “Me and Gordie have wrapped out the filming yet!”
“Already,” Darcy rudely corrected the foreigner, “And yeah, the boy might not know what a portable toilet is, but they sure are good actors… unlike some people I won’t name.”
“But ya can sit on mah lap if ya want to,” Gordie opened his mouth to make matters even worse.
“Aaaah, okay, let’s go Rich!” I shouted. At that point I just wanted to get over with the suffering.
Rich grabbed my had and snickered, “They always come back,” he whispered. At that moment I was ready to bail out.
“Oh, come on Darcy, I can’t do this!”
The director sighed, “Why not? You did fine back then with Sid.”
So there was I, dancing hand in hand with… him. Ugh!
“This show's a train, it's moving fast.
You and I weren't meant to last.
Voting for me just wasn't right,
So look out now, you're in my sights.”
And he got the lyrics perfectly! Not that I didn’t too; I mean, things were actually going well, until…
“You are the worst, why must you torment me?” we sang together in tango formation, I was counting the seconds for it to end.
“The sexual tension is PERFECT!” Darcy added to further my torment.
“It's all a game to you, but not to me.”
“RICH, STOP!” I shoved him off the train as soon as his lips touched my mouth, “NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN YOUR MOTHERF@#$@% RAPIST!”
“What was that?”
“Dude, Tammy completely lost her mind.”
I could hear the mumbles around me. And although Rich was the one injured, I think I was aching the most out there.
From Shoshana Personal Narrative
Honestly, the challenge was really chill until the end for… obvious reasons. But it did start with a scare, “Sid and Soshana can be our attractive couple!” Darcy delegated.
“HELL NO,” I thought, but I couldn’t say much for the sake of the team. I would hurt Prince Darcy’s ego and things would get ugly, but I really, REALLY didn’t want to dance.
Thankfully, the tables seemed to turn, “What about I?” Olga pleaded much to the fop’s dismay.
“You can stand aside and catch Shoshana when Sid throws her off the train,” he said. And that was my cue!
“Throw me off the train?” I said with my best pouty lips, “I can’t do that, man. My leg.” I actually knew Alejandro was the one who was supposed to be thrown off the train, not Heather. But what’s a little mistake if it will save me from having to dance?
Anyway, my plea didn’t really seem to work at the time. Darcy ignored me like he does with literally everything that doesn’t involve himself. Luckily, once Darcy put Olga in Sierra’s role Tamara brought attention to my role once again, “Okay, so I’ll catch Shoshana when she falls?” she said.
I couldn’t let this opportunity pass, “My leg, dude,” I kindly reminded them.
At that moment I thought Darcy’s brain was going through overheat or something, he was completely stumped! Poor guy looked red as an apple; the genius couldn’t come up with a solution to such a simple role-assigning issue! It was kinda hilarious, actually.
“Umm, Darcy,” I suggested, trying to cool him down for a sec, “What if we settle Sid and Tamara as the train couple, Gordie and Olga on the wheelchair, Rich to catch Tam when she falls, and I work as a gaffer?”
After that the little weasel just flat-out stole my idea and claimed it to himself! And to make things worse, he didn’t even bother to change anything, except…
“… Shoshana will catch the falling Tamara, and Rich can work as the gaffer.” Darcy said, finishing ‘his’ final plan.
So, after that basically all I did was stand below the train, ready to catch Tamara. And yeah, I could have mentioned at this point that the man is supposed to be the one to fall, but AS IF I was gonna stand there and let a gargantuan like Sid crush me into pâté texture.
The challenge had a bumpy start.
“This show’s a train, it’s going fast-“
Poor Sid really screwed up the lyrics. But soon enough Darcy made probably the first correct decision in his life and called Rich to replace the guy.
“This show's a train, it's moving fast.
You and I weren't meant to last.”
And he actually got the lyrics right! You know, I probably shouldn’t judge him just because he permanently smells like lube and hair gel, he did a really good job at that challenge!
“Voting for me just wasn't right,
So look out now, you're in my sights.”
And they actually had a great chemistry going on, it’s almost like they knew each other! I was sure we got the challenge in the bag with that flawless performance, but…
“You are the worst, why must you torment me?”
We were so close, yet so far...
“The sexual tension is PERFECT!” Darcy voiced what I wasn’t obnoxious enough to say out loud.
“It's all a game to you, but not to me.”
And that’s when it went all downhill. Tamara lost it in the blink of an eye, it was… bizarre.
“NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN YOUR MOTHERF@#$@% RAPIST!” she shrieked, her eyes blazing. And next thing I knew, Rich was over me on the floor and all I could hear were the horrified voices of our teammates.
Oh, did I mention she FREAKING BROKE MY LEG? A bummer, because we really hit it off at the beginning, and I could forgive her had she just thrown Rich on top of me, but DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS FREAKING PROSTHESIS COST?
From Sid’s Personal Narrative
Not a big fan of that Darcy dude, too much talk for barely any walk. I just became less of a fan after his decision to put me to sing in this challenge.
“Sid and Soshana can be our attractive couple!” he decided after asking no one.
I tried to protest but before I could say a word that ass shut me down, “You can do it, man,” he said, “Try to think of it as a… bodybuilding competition.”
He wasn’t even trying! It’s not just cuz I’m a sports guy that I only think in sports metaphors! “How so?” I asked
There is nothing in common between singing and flexing my body to an audience, and he knew that as much as I did. He made it clear by his answer, “I don’t know just do it!”
But that’s okay, I’m no coward. I faced the challenge just like I do in football, I’m a real team player!
As I climbed up the train to film the scene I noticed something wrong, “What’s Tamara doing here? I thought I’d dance with Shosh.”
“Hey!” Shoshana opened that smile of hers and waved from below the train, “It’s hard to dance with this pegleg,” she laughed, “I’m sure Tamara will treat you well. She’s a sweetie.”
“I can hear you!” Tamara said, but Shosh just answered by putting her hands in the shape of a heart. She’s a good girl, that one.
“Okay, I’m done with the lyrics,” Tamara said, startling me, “How about ya big guy?”
“I’m fine!” I was… not so fine, “Just lemme take a second look at it,” I said.
She was just in her new position and had memorized the whole thing, and I was just… lost. As soon as the filming started…
“This show’s a train, it’s going fast-“
“CUT!” Darcy shouted over me, I chilled to the bone, “It’s moving fast.” He said.
I-I… I’m not comfortable talking about this, I’m so sorry.
Still in the boiler room confessional, “Come on man, I believe in you!” Patricia pleads Sid, “Plus, we need everyone’s narration to complete this episode’s filming.”
“I’m sorry if your little show is more important than someone’s mental health,” he says, getting up, “You’re no better than Chris McLean,” Sid leaves the room and bangs the door.
“That’s so not true!” a livid Patricia says, alone in the boiler room. She looks at the camera and speaks in a different tone, “Is it, Meredith?”
In the operation room, Meredith sips hot cocoa from a cat-themed mug, “Aww, we’re gonna have one of those conversations, aren’t we?” she says before sighing.
Back in the basement, the seven members of Groceries are shown sitting at a sofa facing the host, “So,” she says, “Now that you all have given me your side of the story, and voted for who should-“
“Just a second,” Darcy interrupts, “My team did a splendid job, may I ask how the Napping Kitten managed to outperform us?”
“Oh, Talon and Rosalyn really shone playing Gwuncan in Boyfriend Kisser,” Patricia said, “But the true star was Ginger, she played Courtney with such sincere jealous rage!”
Shoshana protests, “Duncan didn’t even have a line!”
“Yeah,” Patricia says, “But Talon was outstandingly captured in a sack! Now it’s time for me to ask the questions… Sid!”
The large man crosses his arms and looks to the side.
“Okay,” Patricia tries to pick another team member, “Tamara, how would you describe your-“
“You can ask me anything, Patricia,” Sid interrupts the host.
“Umm,” she says, taken aback, “What did you base your vote on tonight?”
Sid speaks up, “Tonight was a simple vote, I voted based on the outrageous attitude during today’s challenge; and I hope everyone has done the same.”
“We sure did,” Shoshana said, “That was inexcusable.”
Rich butts in, “Agreed.”
“Oh, come on!” Tamara protests, “This is not time for your cynicism, dickhead!”
“See?” Gordy says, “That’s what we’re talkin’ bout. We all got along like fleas, why all this violence all of a sudden?”
“Says the guy who entered the competition literally throwing punches,” Shoshana states dryly.
Sid interrupts, “Wait a second! That’s not what I am talking about.”
Rich asks, “Well, what is it then?”
“Oh, come on,” Sid says, “You are the one to ask me that question? You know very well what I’m talking about.”
Rich looks offended, “I do? What do you mean exactly, when Tamara and I leaned in for a kiss?”
“Tamara and I?” Tamara herself protests, “As far as I know Tamara didn’t want her mouth near anyone else’s unsolicitedly.”
Shoshana speaks up, “It was a romantic scene, he kissed you for effect,” She says, “Get over it.”
Sid and Tamara gasp, “Shoshana?” the single mother says, “Even you? I thought we were friends.”
She replies, “Well, I did too. But now,” Shoshana reaches under the sofa and brings out a broken prosthetic leg, “If I want to ever walk again I’ll have to win this show like, twice!”
“I-I’m sorry,” Tamara said, “I really didn’t mean it, I was defen-“ Rich speaks over, “What does it matter if you meant it or not, Tammy?” he says, ”You just broke a handicap’s dreams because of your emotional instability!”
“I-I…” Tamara tries to answer but all she can do is sob.
Shoshana says, “No, it’s not THAT bad, I may have-“
“Do you know how much a history teacher makes?” Rich interrupts her, “That woman is now going to have to work extra hard because you can’t contain yo-“
“Enough!” Sid’s deep voice booms, rendering everyone wide-eyed and silent, “Why don’t we settle this with the votes?” he eyes Olga and she nods subtly, then he eyes Shoshana and is met with wide eyes and a similar nod.
“What do you guys think?” he asks once more.
“Perfect,” Rich answers.
Darcy completes, “Yeah, I was thinking that from the beginning. Let’s go Patricia!”
Patricia sighs, “Yes, mom,” she says, “After counting the votes I can announce that the people who will receive the coupons and are safe are…”
“Seems like Sid was right,” Patricia says, “The argument is going to be settled after this vote. And the team has decided that the person staying is…”
“Rich,” Patricia says before wincing, “Tamara, you’re out, follow me.” The hostess stomps upstairs.
Tamara hugs Sid, “Thanks dear,” she says, “Best of luck.”
“Dude, I’m sorry,” Shoshana says, but Tamara just climbs up the stairs without showing any hint of emotion.
“Sorry for what, honey?” Rich asks, “She literally broke your leg.”
Shoshana sighs, “I’ve been through worse,” she says, “You wouldn’t understand.”
Upstairs, Patricia is shown closing the front door from which Tamara left, “I freaking hate my job!” she shouts.
“Then quit,” Aunt Marge grumbles from the couch.
“Don’t talk to me!” the host replies before angrily stomping down the hallway.
Marge sips from a mug, “I was treated better during my hemorrhoid surgery.”