I've been hanging around the Total Drama community for a little while, and I've seen some interesting takes on the traditional Total Drama competition story. And, given my newly acquired literary ideals, I think it would be cool if I present my take on this Affectionate Parody of reality TV.
The premise is simple. 20 OC teens will compete on an island just a few miles away from Camp Wawanakwa for a grand cash prize of $1,000,000. Chris McClain will be hosting and Chef will be his assistant as per normal, and those eliminated will be ejected via the Couch Spring of Shame. The usual challenges will apply, and all 20 of these OCs are mine.
(The initial blackness the reader sees slowly fades away, and the reader can see a relaxed looking man with brown eyes looking directly at him or her with a brown mantel and fireplace behind him. This man has glasses, messy brown hair, a blue T-shirt, blue shorts, and dirty white sneakers. He is sitting on a fairly old wooden rocking chair, and has a tall brown book sitting in his lap. He is quite tall, and appears to be in his 20s. After looking at the reader for a few seconds, he clears his throat and begins to speak.)
Ah, good morning, dear reader. Would you like me to tell you a story? Yes? Very well then. It would be nice to have an audience for this tale of mine. But first, some background.
On March 25, 1925, the Scotsman John Logie Baird gave the first public demonstration of televised silhouette images in motion, at Selfridge's Department Store in London. This, essentially, was the world's very first television. Since that fateful day, the entertainment industry has only blossomed into something both amazing and terrifying.
Many countries tested the possibilities of this wondrous new invention after the initial 1925 demonstration, and after fifteen to twenty years of backroom testing and public conventions, the television was ready to be sold as a widespread product. For the United States, their NTSC standards regarding television were passed in 1941, and by 1950, 6 million Americans owned their very own electronic box.
From the 50s to the 60s, television was simple. Few channels, few programs made it virtually impossible for children to be exposed to something particularly vile, and it allowed the typical American family to unwind for the day by watching either news or old sitcoms.
As television made its shift from black and white to color around the 70s, companies were able to film shows with greater ease, and could even broaden their scope of entertainment with the recent breakthrough of animation. Even still, besides a greater focus on cartoons for the children, television was still simple, yet very effective.
However, around the 90s, one particular genre of television began to gain an astonishing level of popularity: reality television. In this genre, people participated in competitions or other sort of real life experiences without editing or needing to play a certain character for a certain show, and the confessionals, where people spoke their honest opinions regarding what was happening to them and others, took the place of typical narrators. As a result, the focus is put less on story and more on personal drama and insecurities. This genre got a massive boost in popularity after MTV started a series known as The Real World, a show still being aired today.
But the powerhouse of reality TV had its first episode air on May 31st, 2000. That powerhouse was simply known as Survivor. After 28 full seasons, it is still airing as strong as it ever was in the past for its novel concept and competitive nature. Naturally, such a popular show would be ripe for parodies and imitators, and one of the most popular of these parodies started production in 2006.
This Canadian parody in development was simply known as Camp TV, and it aired on Canadian television on July 8th, 2007 under the name of Total Drama Island. It told the story of a jokingly sadistic guy named Chris McLean hosting a Survivor-esque reality TV show, but there were two primary differences between the two shows. One, the show was animated as opposed to the traditional live-action reality TV format. Two, all of the show's contestants were teenagers. As such, the show could greatly appeal to a tween audience, especially considering each teen is based on a typical stereotype associated with adolescence.
And, in this first season, all of this blended together to create a show that resonated with audiences due to its novel concept of a novel concept, solid characterization, tons of wacky antics, tactful karma, and its ability to never portray any character in a completely negative light. But as the series progressed, things began to change… and not for the better either.
In the second season, Total Drama Action, we were introduced to the growing problem of Love Triangles. Such horrible three-pronged figures were used to break up a fan favorite couple by giving the male OCD, and the female a lack of common sense. But couples could break apart in other ways on this show. For instance, a blond party dude and a blonde surfer were eliminated first during this season, and spent the rest of their time hosting an After Party show, clear filler episodes that did almost nothing to further the plot. Even worse, the main antagonist for the first half of the show was boring and ineffectual, while the antagonist for the second half of the show was irritable, bossy, and hopelessly flanderized from her Total Drama Island portrayal.
But all of that was nothing compared to the problems of the third season, Total Drama World Tour. The first problem came in the form of two new contestants: Alejandro and Sierra.
Alejandro became the show's most prevalent antagonist to date, but some argued that he was a Villain Sue; a character who could conquer any obstacle that was put in his path. One could also argue that his constant wooing of female contestants was not only annoying, but also threw unnecessary obstacles in couples' paths. The blonde hosts of the After Party show were subject to a few of these obstacles, but they were far from the only ones. Ultimately, Alejandro's presence only seemed to make the already confusing love triangles even more nonsensical.
Sierra, on the other hand, was an obsessed mega-fan of Total Drama, and the only thing she 'loved' more than the show was a techno-geek who competed in the first two seasons. The creators attempted to make her antics humorous and wacky. But not everyone agrees on her level of humor. To some, she was an extremely creepy stalker with a crush who was not below partaking in some very immoral actions just to get more information on the show and on her crush. In addition, she was not below forcing her crush to partake in… somewhat compromising situations with her, and one can only be thankful the show did not allow her to go further.
But that was only the tip of the iceberg. The flanderized antagonist from Total Drama Action came back in full force, and she turned the love triangle between the OCD male and the female with a lack of common sense into a love square. So, naturally, this cubic catastrophe was milked for all the drama it was worth, and Alejandro's presence certainly did not make this any more pleasant to the viewer. Even worse, this square had an opportunity to break apart.
In the middle of the series, the other male was brought back into the show… in the place of a fan favorite, and this allowed the square to heat up and essentially dominate the show.
And let us not forget what they did to another fan favorite who got eliminated first in Total Drama Island. In this season, they brought him back as a stowaway, had him compete, and naturally, he got the first boot again. But instead of simply leaving him to the wayside, they decided… to turn him into a ravenous mutant who attacks everyone because he's a mutant. They eliminated his limited personality, and replaced it with that of a vicious attack dog.
But the very worst part of the season would have to be the ending. It was an ending that set horrible standards that the show never bothered to stray from, an ending that could ruin an entire season. It did so many things wrong… and pretty much nothing right.
First and foremost, it crippled the development of the main antagonist of the original Total Drama Island. She had been fighting for three seasons just to gain a hint of respect… and she got completely mistreated in both endings. In her ending, she got the million, but the briefcase with the money got stolen by the now mutant first boot. To add insult to injury, the mutant promptly fell into a volcano. However, in the ending where she doesn't win, she accidentally throws the other contestant's object into the volcano instead of hers, causing her to lose. And in both cases, she, along with the other campers, are forced to run away from an erupting volcano.
Second, it implied that someone in a full-body cast drowned in an attempt to run away from the approaching lava.
Third, and most importantly, it allowed Alejandro to join the mutant in the realm of dehumanized contestants. By this, I mean that in both endings, Alejandro was trampled by the running contestants during the eruption, and got severely burned as a result. In response, the growingly sadistic host put Alejandro in a robot suit, presumably for the rest of his life, for the sole purpose of getting him to sign a waiver eliminating responsibility from the show to take care of his injuries. And when the host told Alejandro that the million was destroyed, Alejandro screams in agony. And the host's response? 'Heh heh, spaz.'
From that moment on, it was clear that the show had decided that it was perfectly acceptable to disrespect their own characters and put them through the wringer just for drama and a few cheap laughs. And even the fans took notice of this as the sadistic host tormented contestants on a few shows that never got past the script stage. But they were posted online for people to see the true horrors of Total Drama and reality television in general.
What you are about to hear is another one of these scripts. It may seem like just another ordinary Total Drama competition where twenty teenaged contestants compete for the opportunity to win one million dollars. But it will soon devolve into something more than that. Something sinister. Something awful. Something depressing. It will truly show how far the sadistic host has fallen over the years, and how poisonous these types of shows can become.
I warn you, dear reader. This script is not for the faint of heart. But if you feel strong enough, I will let you read it. Have a seat, take a deep breath or two, and I will tell you this story.
This is the story of a depraved man named Chris McLean, and twenty of his latest victims. Will the twenty survive with their sanity in tact? Will some of them buckle under the pressure? Will some stand up to the challenge and stay strong through everything? Or, will they actually be able to stop this madman for good? All will be revealed as I turn the page to begin the first chapter of this hellish odyssey.
(He opens the brown book with his left hand, and after he reaches the page with text that looks like a backwards 'Chapter 1', he looks directly at the reader with a serious expression and bluntly states…)
This is Total Drama Isle.
(The man leans back in his rocking chair and starts to read the text on the opposite page of the 'Chapter 1' text.)
The camera cuts to a man who looks to be in his 30s. He has wavy, mostly black hair that has been exposed to liberal amounts of hair gel, short hair on the bottom third of his face, black eyes, and a necklace that appears to have a conch shell in the middle of it. He also has a grungy navy blue collared shirt, khaki pants, and white shoes with black outlines. Behind him was a seemingly lush paradise of an island, with rolling hills, trees, and rivers, and he was standing on a creaky wooden dock.
He cleared his throat, and spoke in a loud voice. "What's up, Total Drama fans? I, Chris McLean, have returned to host another season of the hottest reality TV show ever!"
The camera suddenly flashed to a picture of Camp Wawanakwa.
"After good old Camp Wawanakwa sunk, we had to find a new island. Totally ruined our budget and all that. Still, so long as they pay my check, I'm good."
The camera then flashed to the new 'camp' location of the show, Pakitew Island.
"So, we found another island with no shelters or anything like that, so our fourteen new campers had to fend for themselves. But soon enough, well, the island kind of malfunctioned. Yeah, we couldn't find another real island, so we just constructed one. No big deal, we've got the budget for it, but did they have to take away the wicked coffee machine on my helicopter?"
The camera flashed to the underground part of the island.
"Anyway, the self-destruct sequence for the island got activated for whatever reason, so the campers got a challenge to turn it off in an hour or less. But Scarlett, the person who got to the control room, threatened me and fired rocket trees at my helicopter. It totally ruined my hair, so I made sure to eliminate her as soon as the campers turned off the self-destruct sequence. And after that, Shawn, the zombie conspiracy nut, and Sky, the female athlete, made it to the final two. In the end, Shawn won the million big ones. Maybe now he won't have to worry about the undead. Heh, I'm just kidding, dude!"
The camera flashes back to the island.
"After that finale, Pakitew Island got a high bid from someone, so we managed to sell it for a whopping sum of moolah. As a result, we were finally able to buy another real island in Canada. This one is called Akimiski Island, and it's right by Attawapiskat, Ontario. Boy, that's a mouthful! And, lucky for our newest crop of campers, we got the cabins back. They still stink, but hey, it's something. If they watched the last season, they can't complain."
The camera flashes to Chris at the end of the dock, close to the front of the water.
"Today, twenty new campers enter the field of battle. Who will become a fan favorite? Who will become the new villain with a heart as black as coal? And who won't be able to take the pressure? Find out now, on Total!"
The camera zooms out.
The camera zooms out again.
The camera cuts away, and the Total Drama theme song starts to play.
While the theme song plays for about a minute, the camera cuts to lots of unique scenes, eventually showing each of the twenty campers.
The camera starts above the island, and quickly rushes down to the docks, where Tony, shown from behind, is performing a kickflip on his skateboard and ends up falling down. The camera shifts above the now fallen Tony to just beyond the docks, where Oscar is shyly blushing as Rebecca jumps for joy, as if she is doing a cheer.
The camera then turns and pans towards a clearing of trees. Sophie is looking at the forest, entranced, before Jane swings on a vine in her monkey costume to scare the young girl a little. But after a second of two, both of them start laughing. Then, Dan comes by the two giggling girls and sighs in an attempt to repress a smile.
After a second of two, the camera zooms into the forest, where Kylie is resting in a hammock. The camera tilts to the right, and it cuts to Emily hugging her rabbit while Connor simply rolls his eyes.
A few seconds later, we get to the lake. Suzy, in her pink bikini, is laying down right by the lake and stretching. Damian sees this, and gets woozy enough to fall to the ground, causing Suzy to giggle. During all of this, Graham is reading a book fairly close to where Suzy is, and looks up when she starts giggling. Then, the camera seemingly plunges into the lake and covers the lens in water. This is a fade transition, but it looks pretty genuine to the audience.
The transition returns us to the campground, where Tyson is playing the guitar while Sonata is sitting relatively close to him, and then Erika jumps out from behind them which scares both of them enough to jump and fall forwards on the grassy ground. Erika simply grins sheepishly once she realizes what she did.
Then, we see Dwayne and Kristin jogging in front of the camera. After the two pass the camera by, it zooms to the other cabin where we see Ophelia calmly drinking tea on the cabin's steps. Ernest, who is behind her, tries and fails to knock the tea down. Instead, he knocks himself down the stairs to the grassy ground, and Lee, who watches all of this from the cabin window, simply sighs and rolls his eyes.
After that, the camera fades to the twenty campers dancing the Can-Can around the campfire with various degrees of enthusiasm while each of them holds a marshmallow. Finally, the twenty campers whistle in a group in front of the campfire while the camera slowly pans backwards.
However, instead of just cutting away, the last few seconds of the song are a bit distorted as the camera continues to zoom out to reveal Chris, with a sadistic expression on his face, looking into a snow globe figure with the image of the island inside it.
A few seconds of pure blackness took place before the camera finally faded back to Chris, who was standing towards the middle of the dock.
"Welcome back! For this season, we're going old-school style with the camper introductions. We'll have that speedboat come by and drop off the campers here one by one. And here's our very first victim: Emily!"
As Chris spoke those words, a teenaged girl with long blonde hair, green eyes, a frilly green T-shirt, white gym shorts, and white sneakers stepped off of the boat. Her hair was braided with the help of a shiny bunny hair clip, and she carried a medium-sized snow bunny in her hands.
When she saw the sadistic host, she walked up to him with a smile and said, "So, you're Chris McLean, right? It's great to see you! I can't wait to see all of the wonderful animals on this island, right, Emi?"
Chris laughed a little. "Emi? Is that your rabbit's name?"
The girl nodded. "Yup! I've had her since I was six!"
"Cool. Let's see how long your friend can last for on this island, shall we?"
The girl gasped. "Oh, no! Emi…"
The host chuckled. "Relax, bra. Just go back to the end of the dock, alright?"
Emily sighed, but nonetheless listened to Chris.
With that, Chris continued. "Well, that was fun. Next, we have…"
Chris' train of dialogue was interrupted by an excited shout and a guy performing a triple kickflip on his red skateboard plastered with orange lightning bolts. He has unkempt red hair, freckles, brown eyes, an orange T-shirt, orange shorts, red sneakers covered in orange lightning bolts, and wore a red winter hat instead of a helmet, He stuck the landing flawlessly, and loudly skidded to a stop right before Chris.
The skateboarder was the first to speak. "Chris, my man! What's up? I can't wait to compete!"
"Hey, Tony! Mind doing your tricks a little further away from yours truly? Can't ruin the hair or the ears, ya dig?"
"Gotcha, man. Mind if I do some more tricks on the dock while everyone else comes to this wicked island?"
"Sure thing. Go crazy, dude."
Chris lightly chuckled to himself following that statement, but Tony took no notice of it and continued to perform kickflips and other stunts.
So, Chris stated, "Alright, while Tony Hawkeyes does some more stupid stunts, it's time to meet our next camper, Graham!"
Chris' statement was accompanied by a guy stepping off of the boat. And he was tall. Six feet and five inches to be precise. But besides his height, Graham's appearance was pretty unremarkable. He had short black hair, blue eyes, a light gray T-shirt, light blue shorts, and white sneakers. He also had a copy of 'To Kill A Mockingbird' in his right hand, and once he stepped on the dock, he quickly closed it and walked up to Chris with a light smile on his face.
"Hey, Chris. Thanks for picking me. It's nice to be here."
"What's up, dude? Heh, surely your height must intimidate people. Here to bully some of the campers around?"
Graham suddenly got nervous. "Huh? Oh, no, no! I'd never do that!"
Chris smirked. "Sure, that's what all the tall dudes say. You'd probably knock that bunny right out of her hands, bro."
"No, trust me, I'd never do something like that! I have a hard enough time making friends in school…"
"And then gloating about how much power you have just because you're tall, and…"
Chris laughed. "Relax, bro. Just havin' a little fun with you."
Graham shook his head. "Sure didn't feel like it. Whatever, I'll just go to the end of the dock. Already ruined the one friend I may have had in the game thus far…"
With a sigh, he trudged on over to the edge of the dock while Chris giggled to himself.
Emily, feeling bad for the gentle giant, decided to say, "Hello, I'm Emily. Don't worry, I can tell you wouldn't hurt a fly from that conversation with Chris."
This improved Graham's mood a little, so he said, "Thank you. I've just always had a bit of trouble making friends, and, well, you can probably tell why now."
Chris stepped in at this point. "Hey, lovebirds! I've gotta introduce more campers right now, alright? Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted…"
He took this time to glare at Graham and Emily before shifting back to his usual dull smile. "It's time to meet our next camper, Sonata!"
At that moment, a stoic female stepped off the speedboat. She was tall, and although she was extremely tall for a female, she was not as tall as Graham. She also had long, braided brown hair, brown eyes, a fancy gray dress shirt with a white undershirt, khaki pants, and gray dress shoes.
After getting off, she brushed herself off a little and went up to the host to say, in a decently thick Germanic accent. "Gutentag. Chris, I presume?"
"The one and only, bra."
"I see. Will we be staying on such a base, barren slice of land?"
"Heh, 'base'. I like that."
Sonata's eyes narrowed. "That was not a compliment."
"Yes, it was."
The girl sighed. "Take it however you wish, I suppose."
With that, she was about to walk to the edge of the dock before Chris said, "Your parents must be sooo proud of you."
Suddenly, she got nervous. "O-oh, did I not conduct myself with sophistication and grace just then? M-my sincerest apologies, Mr. McLean."
Chris smirked. "Heh heh, that's better."
"T-thank you, Mr. McLean."
She then nervously ran to the edge of the dock, as Chris continued to giggle. "This is too much fun. Alright, it's time for our next camper, Kylie!"
At that, a girl stepped out of the boat, and she appeared to be sleepwalking, as her eyes were closed and she was walking like a zombie. She had long blonde hair, a white 'hairband', a light green T-shirt, a sleeveless white jacket, green shorts, and white sneakers with green outlines. Her uncanny walking began to creep Chris out, and before she could reach the sadistic host, Chris lightly pushed her to wake her up. That seemed to do the trick, as the girl promptly stopped in her tracks and slowly opened her baby blue eyes.
After a yawn, she said, "Dude… I just had the greatest dream. In it, I made it to Total Drama Isle and I won the whole thing. Man, that'd be sweet if it happened for real, dude."
"Uh, yeah, it would! Say, could you go to the other end of the dock? Like, now?"
She shrugged. "Sure, dude."
With that, she slowly continued to walk towards the end of the dock, and Chris did his best to brush off the awkwardness of that meeting by saying, "Alright. She's weird. But don't worry, dudes, our next contestant is a little less weird! Meet Oscar!"
A fairly short male took this time to step out of the speedboat. He had short brown hair, baby blue eyes, freckles, a light gray T-shirt with a pen pocket, khaki shorts, and ordinary brown shoes. Then, he took a deep breath, walked up to Chris, and said, "Um, hello, Chris."
The host chuckled. "Speak louder, dude. I can't hear you say my name."
"Hey, 'least you've moved beyond your glasses. I mean, dude, those things didn't flatter you at all."
"I wear contacts now…"
"Whatever. I can't hear you anyway. To the end of the dock with ya, bro."
With a nod, Oscar slowly trudged on over to meet the rest of the campers. Kylie had already fallen asleep while standing, so only Emily, Graham, and Sonata were left, as Tony was still mostly figuratively breaking a leg with his skateboard.
So, Graham, seeing that the boy was nervous, said, "Hey, I'm Graham."
Oscar jumped a little in panic once he saw how tall the gentle giant was, but Graham simply crouched a little and said, "It's alright. I'm not going to hurt ya. Something tells me we'll need all the strength we can get for this competition, you know?"
After Oscar nodded, the two were interrupted by Chris again. "Come on, stop with all the positive talk! You're gonna be in pain soon enough, so why try to fight it? Well, with that said, let's meet our next camper, Connor!"
The latest offering from the boat was of a very different sort. The boy who stepped out looked like he stepped out of a dumpster. He has extremely messy brown hair, blue overalls, a white undershirt, brown work shoes, yellow teeth, and a large straw ten-gallon hat. Every single component of his clothing appeared to be old and ragged, he carried an old, rusty pitchfork, and there was a profound stench of manure emitting from his person. Even still, he walked up to Chris with a smile on his face, and he said, with a thick Southern drawl, "Howdy, Chris. Ah reckon ah'm mighty to be on this lil' island."
Chris held his nose. "Yeah, must be better than rolling around in manure where you live, I'm guessing."
"Eeyup. It'd be mighty nice to get some money to support mah mammy and pappy."
"Yeah. Great. End of the dock, now."
The boy shrugged and proceeded to the end of the dock, standing a fairly comfortable distance away from the others. The animal loving girl took note of this, and decided to approach him by saying, "Hey, I'm Emily! And this is Emi, my pet rabbit! Do you like animals, Connor?"
The Southern boy smiled. "Sure ah do. Ah live on a farm."
Emily brightened up. "Oh, that's great! I'm sure you take great care of cows and chickens and lots of other farm animals!"
"Ah do. It's mighty nice to make a livin' by taking care of animals 'til they give ya what ya need to survive. Speakin' o' which, ah remember one time where ah took care of a rabbit 'til he got sick and ah had to get rid o' him. Still, that was a mighty tasty dinner."
Emily gasped and a few droplets began to form in her eyes.. "Oh, no! You've killed your own animals before? That's horrible!"
Connor's eyes widened. "Oh, gee, ah'm mighty sorry. Ah've worked on the farm since ah was real young, so ah'm used to havin' to put some of mah animals out of their misery. Ah'm just used to bein' a little more hands-on, ah guess. Ah won't hurt your lil' one, trust me."
Emily breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good. I'm guessing you haven't had too much interaction with the outside world."
Connor shook his head, and would have responded, had the sadistic host not barged in. And in doing so, he practically glared at the two. "OK, seriously, dudes. You'll get the time to socialize later. Just chill and let me finish, capisce?"
That little intimidation tactic seemed to work, and Chris' dull smile returned again. "Alright, jeez. These campers are more annoying than usual. But that's OK, because the show must go on! Alright, here's our next camper, Dwayne!"
At Chris' call, a tall, bulky African-American stepped off of the boat. He is taller than Sonata, but not as tall as Graham. Additionally, he has very short black hair, brown eyes, eye black, a fake diamond stud earring on his right ear, a green T-shirt, green gym shorts, and white sneakers with green outlines. With a relaxed expression on his face, he went up to Chris and said, "Chris, my man. 'Sup?"
Chris held out his hand, and the two high-five each other. "Not much, man. Gonna use your strength to intimidate the others?"
"Hmm? Nah, I'm not like that."
"You sure? You're almost as tall as bully-man over there, dude, and you're more athletic than him. The audience at home would love some drama like that. Who knows? That might be the only way to get that million dollar cash prize for your family."
Before Dwayne could respond, a voice sounded out. "I am not a bully!"
After seeing that the voice came from the rather upset gentle giant, Dwayne said, "I'll play the game chill for now, Chris."
The host shrugged. "Suit yourself, dude. End of the dock is that way."
With a nod, Dwayne headed to the end of the dock and offered a high-five to Graham.
The gentle giant accepted the kind gesture, and said, "Thanks, Dwayne. I'm Graham. Nice to meet you."
Subsequently, the two saw Chris' death glare and promptly stopped their conversation. "Ah, good, people are learning now. That's awesome. Well, now it's time to meet Ophelia!"
A young lady took this time to step off of the speedboat, and one could easily claim that she was some sort of princess based on her attire. She has a short bun of natural blonde hair, baby blue eyes, diamond stud earrings, a pearl necklace, white gloves, white stockings, pink fancy shoes, and a very fancy pimped out pink dress covered with elegant floral designs. She is also carrying a frilly pink umbrella. In addition, instead of simply turning her nose up at the vile state of the island, a curious smile adorns her lips, and one could even make the case that she's excited to see the other campers. But Connor clearly isn't excited to see her, as he angrily spits towards the right side of the dock while violently shaking his head after seeing her smile.
So, she calmly walks up to the sadistic host with a curtsy. Then, she says, in an innocent tone and with a somewhat noticeable French accent, "Bonjour, Chris. It is wonderful to be here."
Chris smirked. "Yeah, I doubt you mean that. This little island ain't nothing like your mama and papa's crib. So sneer at the 'commoners' like a good rich girl already, 'K, bra?"
"Oh no, I am rather excited to interact with my fellow campers… whoa!"
With that, a sudden gust of wind blew in Ophelia's direction that was intense enough to force her umbrella out of her hands and into the water.
The rich girl gasped. "Oh, no! My umbrella!"
Both Connor and Chris chuckled under their breath, but only Chris said, "Oops. Let me try to get it."
Chris feebly reached out over the end of the dock to the now sunk umbrella, as if to mock the poor girl with how little he truly cared about her. "Nope, sorry, bra. It's gone."
Ophelia sighed. "That umbrella cost thousands of dollars, monsieur. Surely it could have gone to a better place than the waters surrounding this island? I would not mind donating it if you had simply asked. My parents did say that I am a bit sensitive to ultraviolet radiation, but I could have still..."
Chris interrupted her. "Whatever. End of the dock, bra."
Ophelia was still a bit stunned, but nonetheless cleared her mind and did as Chris said.
With another laugh, the sadistic host continued. "Alright, now that that's taken care of, it's time to introduce everyone to Sophie!"
A very short girl was the next to step off of the speedboat. The first contestant to wear a backpack (a blue backpack, to be precise), this girl had brown pigtails, brown eyes, a white baseball with blue outlines and a blue maple leaf in the middle, a white T-shirt with two cartoon-like characters posing, blue shorts, and white sneakers with red outlines. She was also quite energetic, as evidenced by her happily running up to Chris and giving him a hug.
She quickly let go and managed to excitedly blurt out, "Oh my god, I can't believe I'm here on a real cartoon! This is incredible! Thank you so much for picking me, Chris!"
"No problem, bra. Mind telling the audience at home the characters on that shirt you're wearing?"
"Sure! This is Mabel Pines, and this is Dipper Pines! They're the main characters on one of my new favorite shows, Gravity Falls! But I still love Total Drama, and I hope that I can do my part to contribute some positive energy this season! Woohoo!"
Chris chuckled. "Alright. Come and join the other contestants at the end of the dock, will ya?"
With a nod, Sophie ran to the other edge of the dock. She saw the spoiled sweetie, and decided to introduce herself. "Hi, I'm Sophie! And you are?"
Ophelia smiled. "My name is Ophelia." She curtsied. "It is a pleasure to meet you."
"Your dress looks so cool and fancy! I can't wait to get to know you better!"
"Likewise, Sophie. You seem to have a lot of good energy, and I can respect that."
Fortunately for Chris, the conversation between the two stopped after that statement. So, after wiping the sweat from his face, the sadistic host continued. "So, now it's time for Dan!"
The guy who came off the boat next looked as if someone had just thrown him into a terrible reality TV show with a sadistic host. As in, depressed. He has black hair which seemed to have not met with a comb in years, black eyes, a black T-shirt with a white skull in the middle of it, a black leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and normal black shoes. He walked up to Chris without a hint of enthusiasm and said, "Yeah, it looks just as grand as I expected."
Chris chuckled. "The island? Yeah, it's pretty terrible. And the pain is much worse in real life, dude. Heh heh."
"So the world is a terrible place. Well, I have learned to accept that by now."
With that, he walked right by Chris, leaving the sadistic host on edge a little. However, before he could reach the edge of the dock, the enthusiastic cartoon lover spoke up. "Hey, Dan! I'm Sophie! How are ya? It's really cool to be on an actual cartoon, don't you think?"
The dark dude sighed. "Cartoons are evil depictions of the worst of humanity."
The cartoon lover gasped and got a determined look in her eyes. "That is not true! I've seen some bad toons, but there are just so many good shows on now! My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Gravity Falls, Regular Show, and even Adventure Time! The good outweighs the bad, Dan!"
He sighed. "I doubt that…"
Sophie pouted, but after a second or two, her smile returned and she said, "You know what? I may not be able to show you any cartoons on the island, but I'll let you borrow one of my My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic comics! I know they may seem girly, but I've talked to some of my male friends who really enjoy the show too, and it isn't all sunshine and rainbows!"
Just then, she sighed and her look became more sympathetic. "And plus, no one deserves to get a case of the gloomies, especially not from something that's meant to bring so much joy to people around the world."
Subsequently, Dan started to lighten up a little and responded, "Well, since you really want me to, I suppose I'll give one of your comics a try. It isn't like it could be any worse than any other horrific cartoon..."
The cartoon lover then jumped in the air with an enthusiastic cry, searched through her backpack, and gave Dan the first chronological My Little Pony arc, 'Return of Queen Chrysalis'. It was four issues banded together with the title page depicting a surprisingly scary looking distorted pony with holes in her legs, and the occasional layer of dry glue seemed to have suggested that Sophie banded the four issues herself. Then, with a sigh, Dan opened the comic and started reading.
During all of this, Chris had an angry expression on his face with his back turned to the campers. However, surprisingly enough, he did not decide to take out his rage on Sophie nor Dan, but he instead took a few deep breaths, cooled himself down, and continued.
At this, a female jumped off of the boat. She has blonde hair, brown eyes, a white top with blue outlines that doesn't cover her toned stomach, a long-ish white skirt with blue outlines, white shorts under the skirt, white sneakers, and holds a white baton with blue edges in her right hand. Her arrival was also accompanied by Oscar's face gaining a very deep shade of crimson.
Upon her feet contacting the dock, she marched up to Chris while doing a cheer and twirling her baton, shouting, "T-O-T-A-L! D-R-A-M-A! I-S-L-E!"
She then tossed her baton in the air, got down on one knee, caught the baton, and yelled, "Gooooooooooooooo, Chris!"
Chris laughed. "Heh, nice. Don't think a nice cheer going to hide your snobbish personality though. Man, cheerleaders are so catty."
"Oh, no, I'm not like that! I just thought you'd appreciate a cheer, Chris."
"I do, but that ain't the point. Can't wait to see how much you're willing to backstab others just to get ahead. You'll treat this game just like school, I can tell."
Rebecca started to get a little depressed. "No, trust me, I'm not like that!"
She looked like she was about to continue, but the camera cut back to Chris who said, "Yeah, sure. End of the dock, bra. We've got a schedule to keep up."
With a sigh, the dejected cheerleader sulked over to the edge of the dock, and Oscar, after taking a deep breath, managed to squeak out, "Um… hi. I'm O-Oscar. I l-loved your cheer…"
Although quiet, Rebecca could still hear him, and with a smile, she turned to him and said, "Oh, thank you! I worked hard on it!"
Oscar would have continued, but he got woozy enough from Rebecca acknowledging him and responding so kindly to fall backwards, an action that would have been painful had Graham not caught him. The cheerleader simply giggled in response and looked back at the dock to await the other campers.
Chris simply rolled his eyes before saying, "OK, dude, that was pathetic. So, let's get back to welcoming the campers! This is Tyson!"
A male took this time to step off of the dock. He had messy black hair, black eyes, a red T-shirt, blue shorts, and black sneakers. He also has a blue strap around his body to hold the blue guitar case strapped to his back. After adjusting his strap a little, he walked up to the sadistic host and said, "Good morning, Chris. Nice to see ya, man."
"Hey, bro. Just to let you know, your condition totally isn't going to get any sympathy from me. Like, at all."
All of a sudden, there was a jump-cut to Tyson staring at Chris with wide eyes with Tyson's right hand clutching his chest. After a second or two, he got an almost glazed look in his eyes as he squeaked out, "...Why would you do that?"
"Hey, dude, don't worry. The audience will totally throw themselves on you now. Just keep acting pathetic and you'll be a fan favorite."
This statement caused Tyson to slap himself in the face, shake his head violently, and proceed to the end of the dock without another word.
However, Sonata took this time to talk to him. "Hello, my name is Sonata. What type of guitar is at?"
Tyson perked up at that. "Oh, it's an acoustic guitar. I prefer more relaxing music. Do you play any music, Sonata?"
"I am a classical pianist."
"Ah, cool. I love classical music. Helps me relax, you know."
Sonata got a bit more of a smile at that. "Why, thank you."
Chris was the next to speak up. "Hey, dude, getting your first pity-party person already? Nice. That's totally not an exploitive way to play the game."
Before Tyson could speak up, Chris said, "Yeah, no one cares, bro. So, let's introduce our next camper, Suzy!"
The camper in question took this time to step off of the boat. And boy, was she a looker. With long red hair, green eyes, a tight pink T-shirt that only barely covered her navel and showed off her large chest, a short red skirt, white 'diamond' earrings, and two 'gold bracelets, Suzy could bring any hormonal teenager to their knees. A few of the guys were noticeably smitten by her, and even the gentle giant took the time to look up from his book and admire the image in front of him. The girl sauntered over to Chris and leaned forward a little, letting everyone get a better look at her. Once she saw the reactions from most of the males, she snickered and said, "Ah, I can already tell this is going to be fun, Chris."
"I'm sure it will, ya sllllllllut."
The girl instantly stood up. "Pft, no way. I came here to win."
With that, Suzy scanned the rest of the crowd, and shivered a little upon seeing Dwayne.
Chris, who had read her bio beforehand, took advantage of this moment to say, "Oh, yeah, almost forgot you being a…"
The next statement was bleeped thanks to the camera, but whatever Chris said seemed to have gotten a rise out of everyone, including Suzy. However, the flirt was quick to recover and countered, "Nah, I just don't think they're fun to mess with."
Chris took this time to cup his hands over his mouth and mimic Suzy, saying, "because they're…"
That same bleep occurred, and the campers got even more shocked. However, Graham, who had been paying attention to the whole encounter, spoke up in a strong tone. "Chris, that last part was all you. I know you think it's cool to insult us, but do you really think it's cool to try and frame us like that? Really?"
"You know the answer to that. But whatever, get to the end of the dock…"
Another bleep. Chris had to be thankful that they installed those things. But Suzy, who was decently exasperated by this point, sauntered over to Graham and spoke in a sultry tone. "Hey, big boy. Thanks for being a dear and helping me out there."
The gentle giant was surprised she even spoke to him, so he stammered a bit as he responded, "Oh, n-no problem. Wow, you're beautiful…"
Even still, the gentle giant kept a sincere smile on his significantly redder face, so Suzy took a second before leaning forward to give the gentle giant a better look at her and responding, in a less sultry tone, "Heh, like what you see, huh?"
"You really are beautiful… I'm Graham, by the way."
Graham would have loved to continue this conversation, if not for Chris yelling, "You'll get to talk later, lovebirds! Zip it!"
That cacophony was enough to drop their conversation entirely, so Chris was able to collect himself and continue. "OK, now that some romantic tension is building, let's introduce our next camper, Kristin!"
The camper in question took this time to literally stomp out of the boat. She has very short black hair, black eyes, a few metallic ear piercings on her right ear, a red T-shirt, a black leather jacket, blue jeans, black sneakers, and a few neck tattoos. She had a stoic, tough expression on her face that screamed 'don't mess with me', and after a few seconds, she walked on over to Chris and asked, "So, this is it, huh?"
"Yes, it is."
"Good. So there won't be any problems then, will there?"
"Nope. And just to make sure of that, take a look-see at some of the numbers I've got on my phone."
Kristin rolled her eyes, but did so anyway. After a few seconds, her eyes widened and she seemed to be about ready to say something before the camera panned away to Dwayne's eyes widening to the size of saucers, and Suzy quickly going behind Graham so no one could see her start to sweat a lot.
Chris could only laugh at these responses. "Yeah, I've got lots of connections. So, there won't be any problems then, will there?"
Kristin sighed. "...Nope."
"Awesome. End of the dock with ya, bra."
Kristin nodded, and went to the end, a little less stoic than before. However, before she could recover, the chill jock stepped in and said, "Hey, I'm Dwayne. Nice to meet you."
Kristin didn't shake his hand, but she did look at him and said, "You seem pretty street-smart."
"Yup. I grew up in the hood, you know?"
"So did I. Perhaps we'll get along for this show."
Then, the tough chick turned her head and simply waited for the host to continue.
So, that's what the sadistic host did. "So, now we'll get a bit more Indian flair, because our next contestant is Damian!"
Accompanied by Indian music, the contestant in question stepped off of the boat. He was one of the shorter contestants. He also has messy black hair, a red headband with a 'diamond' in the middle of it, a yellow collared shirt, red shorts, and white sneakers. He had a mystical air to him as he walked up to the sadistic host, and once the Indian boy was in front of him, he stated, "So, you are Chris McLean. Would you like for me to read your emotions?"
Chris shrugged. "Sure, bro. Whatevs."
Damian closed his eyes and put his pointer fingers on his forehead, both pointing inward, for a brief moment, and then calmly stated, "I see. You are happy that you have many campers to torture for this show, are you not?"
Chris laughed. "Nah, I'm just happy 'cause my break's in a few minutes. The studio makes great pizza, which none of you are going to eat, of course."
Damian's eyes widened. "But… I am usually so good at reading emotions!"
"Not this time, dude. End of the dock."
The boy sighed and trudged on over to the end of the dock. Once there, he heard someone whisper, "Hey there. I'm Suzy."
At this, Damian turned around and saw Suzy in all of her glory. Almost instantly, the Indian said, "Oh my, it is wonderful to meet you!"
Suzy giggled at Damian getting flustered rather easily, and continued. "Same to you, big boy." She then leaned forward and blew a kiss at him, causing him to fall to the floor.
Graham took this time to sigh, causing Oscar to step up and whisper, "It's alright, Graham. It happens."
"Yeah, I know. Still, I find it interesting that she's flirting with an Indian guy when Chris hinted at her… preferences, as it were."
"Yeah, you're right! Are you still going to…"
"I'll try. This may be my chance to finally break out of my shell, so I hope I can take advantage of it. Plus, I've seen some reality TV shows. Flirting can be an effective strategy, so I'm assuming this is a part of her plan. I guess we'll find out soon, huh?"
"Guess so. Still, I'm a bit more smitten with Rebecca, personally."
Before Graham could continue, Chris finally busted out his favorite contraption, the megaphone. "Campers! We are not done with the introductions yet! Zip it!"
The loud device seemed to do its job, as the campers got quiet almost instantly, allowing Chris to say, "Yes, I knew this was a great investment! Alright, now it's time to introduce…"
"Vad hander, everybody? DJ Erika is in the house!"
This loud introduction was accompanied by slightly less loud electronic music. If one were to look in the direction of that noise, he or she would find a girl with bright turquoise hair, red eyes, a ruby stud earring on her left ear, a red T-shirt with a white eighth note in the middle of it, red shorts with white quarter notes plastered around it, and white sneakers with red and orange outlines. She also has headphones with red outlines around her neck, a cable connected to something in her pocket, most likely a music device, a portable DJ set in front of her, and a blue backpack meant to hold her DJ equipment and laptop.
Once the boat got to the dock, she skillfully flipped her DJ set into her backpack, jumped off onto the dock, and rushed up to Chris. Once a few feet away from the sadistic host, she said, in a thick Swedish accent, "Yeeeeeeeeah! Chris McLean! I am so pumped to be here! Lat os ga!"
Chris, however, was not as excited, and responded by covering his ears and proclaiming, "Lat os ga to the end of the dock, bra. I've got a show to run, got it?"
Erika's eyes widened. "Oh… alright. Sorry 'bout that, I tend to get excited easily."
Chris' only response was a stern finger pointing towards the other campers, and Erika jogged over to them without another word. Or, at least, without another word to the people at the edge of the dock. She noticed Tony doing some skateboard stunts, and couldn't help but yell, "Awesome stunts, man!"
Tony, shocked that someone actually noticed his tricks, went through a small wipeout, blushed a bit, and gave the Swedish superstar a thumbs up.
With that, the camera cut back to Chris, and with a deep breath, he returned to his normal surfer shtick. "Well, I can tell she'll be fun to break down a little. But hey, let's take our focus off of her and onto our next contestant, Lee!"
The next contestant took this time to get off of the speedboat. He was a short Chinese boy that has a tall face, unkempt black hair, black eyes, a blue T-shirt that has the words 'Congratulations, you're annoying', on it, khaki shorts, white sneakers, and a deadpan look. With a yawn, he slowly walked up to Chris, looked around at the island, and said, "Wow, such paradise. How much did you spend for this island, fifty bucks?"
The sadistic host shrugged. "About that much, yes."
"Wonderful. It's great to see that you care about us so much."
Lee's eyes widened, but they quickly narrowed as Lee sighed. "You really are as shameless as you are on television. I suppose that is to be expected from a reality television host. Something tells me accepting that dare to watch one episode of this absurd nonsense was one of my more brilliant ideas."
"Yes. Yes, it was."
"Do you know what sarcasm is? Ah, that's a stupid question. There is a difference between lack of knowledge and a lack of care, tact, and humanity. Well, I suppose I should join the rest of my henpecked campers. Don't miss me too much."
With another sigh, Lee headed towards the edge of the deck and shook his head when I saw all of the campers. However, he took particular notice of Kylie, who was now sleeping against one of the dock's poles. Once he realized her unconscious state, he rolled his eyes and asked, "And what are you dreaming about? The first one hundred digits of pi?"
Kylie then woke up and said, "Oh, dude, I know what those are already. I just picked up a book for a few minutes and memorized them before taking another nap. 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679, right? I think that's one hundred digits, dude."
Lee's eyes became the size of saucers. "That's… that's right. You even got the correct number of digits."
Kylie smiled. "Oh, dude, sweet. I thought I still remembered them. Well, good night. Oh yeah, what was your name again, dude?"
"I-it's Lee. G-good night."
With a nod, Kylie returned to her state of slumber, and the camera went back to Chris. "Well, that was interesting. But now, we have to introduce Ernest!"
The music suddenly got dark, as the camera cut to a figure in shadows. But when the figure finally escaped from the shadow, he was not too menacing. Sure, the bald head with almost no trace of his original black hair, his stoic glare, and the gray cat he was stroking may have come off as intimidating… had it not been for his other attire. He wore a gray sweatshirt that was at least three sizes too big for him, gray sweatpants that were at least two sizes too big for him, and uncomfortable looking black penny loafers. But he still tried to assert what little dignity he had when he got in front of Chris by saying, "Mr. McLean, you have no idea how much of a mistake you have made by picking me. I will manipulate this whole game and come out on top. The other competitors will not even know what hit them, I can assure you."
Chris could only laugh hysterically. "What is with your get-up, dude? You look like you dressed up in your dad's nerdy clothes back when he was a part of the chess team! You couldn't intimidate my dog with those clothes!"
Ernest sneered. "Mr. McLean, you are making a grave mistake."
"Yeah, sure I am, dude. Just stand right beside that bully…"
Chris gestured to Graham, who proceeded to shout once more, "I am not a bully!"
The sadistic host ignored the gentle giant's yelp and continued, "And his stuck-up, needlessly cruel alpha snob…"
Chris then gestured to Suzy, who was standing right besides Graham. Suzy's eyes widened, before Graham whispered, "Yes, Chris does intend to turn us all into stereotypes."
This whisper caused the flirt to sigh, and subsequently, Ernest said, "I a-am not afraid of m-mere bullies! I am a mastermind!"
Chris laughed. "Tell that to the other campers. Still, I, unlike most of the campers, am completely tolerant and accepting of the fact that you're a total loser. Heh heh."
"I am not a loser!"
"Tell that to the docks, bro. We're almost done introducing everyone."
Ernest sighed, but before simply obeying Chris' command, he said, "I swear to you, Mr. McLean, you will…"
Chris stepped in. "Don't care. Now, our final camper is Jane!"
This statement was accompanied by a loud jungle war cry and a girl dressed up in a gorilla mascot costume jumping out of the speedboat. Inside that monkey costume was an African-American girl with long, messy black hair, baby blue eyes, a white shirt, white shorts, and white sneakers, and a blue backpack containing what was most likely her other animal mascot costumes.
She also seemed to have a lot of energy, as evidenced when she rushed up to Chris and practically shouted, "Oh my goodness, Chris, it's great to be here! I bet there are all sorts of amazing animals on this island, and I can't wait to meet them all! Maybe we'll see a bear soon! I have a brown bear costume that I bet will win them over and get them to see me as one of their own! That's the best part of living at the zoo! And maybe I'll get to meet the Sasquatch too! Oh, this is…"
Chris interrupted her. "Relax, bra. Guess the orphanage didn't put a damper on your enthusiasm..."
This caused everyone to gasp in horror, and even Jane cringed a little at that statement. "Oh… yeah, my life before the zoo wasn't that good…"
However, she quickly cheered up. "But it's all good now! I have a home and I have an amazing job! It's time for Jane to roam through the forest and meet some animals!"
At this, Emily spoke up. "That sounds like fun! Hey, Jane, want to meet my pet rabbit, Emi?"
Jane rushed on over to the animal lover and saw the snow rabbit. Upon seeing the cute bunny, Jane squealed and said, "She's so cute! I wish we had more rabbits in the zoo, but we tend to have much better and rarer animals! But still, she's adorable!"
Chris used his megaphone once again, "Alright, campers! Now that you've all gotten the chance to meet each other, it's time for me to show you something special about this particular island! Follow me!"
The campers were suspicious, but nonetheless did as the sadistic host asked. After wandering through hills, trees, grasslands, and mud for a half an hour, the twenty came across something far less appealing at the top of one of the hills towards the center of the island.
Once they had arrived at their destination, Chris gestured towards something and said, "This is the Chris McLean Coal Factory!"
And with those words, all of the campers convulsed in horror.
(We cut back to The Story Man…)
That is all to say for today. Come back tomorrow if you wish to hear more of my story.