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Characters

Chrisy Conka (Parody of Chris)

Hatchet-Loompas

Ida Pout (reporter)

Owen and mother

Eva and mother

Heather and father

Ezekiel and mother

Beth and Grandpa Joe

Mrs. Beth

Mr. Beth

Prolouge

Chrisy: As you can see, I'm growing old, and it's time for me to pick an heir to my ice cream empire. So I shall have a contest. Here's how it works: I will put a golden scab in 5 lucky containers of ice cream. (Sure they'll freak, but I need a little fun). The 5 people who find the golden scab will tour my factory, receive a lifetime supply of Conka ice cream, and, unbeknownst to the winners, a chance at winning my factory.

PART 1: RETRIEVAL OF THE GOLDEN SCABS

Beth's box

Beth: Awesome! I could win a lifetime of ice cream!

Mrs. Beth: You can try, but the odds are not that good.

Mr. Beth: SHUT UP! WE MAY BE DIRT POOR AND LIVE IN A BOX IN CENTRAL PARK, BUT WE WILL WIN THAT ICE CREAM! (Mr. Beth begins mercilessly beating Mrs. Beth)

Grandpa Joe: Beth, if you believe that you'll win, then you'll win.

Beth: That doesn't make sense. Every child on earth believes that they'll win.

Grandpa Joe: SO!? Whatever, let's listen to the radio.

Owen

Ida Pout: Attention radio listeners, the first golden scab has been located in Saint John's, New Foundland and Labrador. Here they are now. Owen, may we have a word?

Mother: He's busy eating. (Owen walks in)

Owen: Hi there, Ida. (Owen eats Ida's microphone)

Ida: STOP THE CAMERA!

Eva

Ida: Attention, the second golden scab has been located in Churchill, Manitoba. Eva, may we have a word?

Eva: Sure. I was at my friend's birthday party, and she asked me to scoop out the ice cream, and after I scooped out her ice cream, there was a golden scab stuck stuck to the scooper. My friend said that she deserved it because it was found while scooping her ice cream and it was her birthday, and I went crazy, and I beat her up.

Ida: Hmmm, the violent type.

Heather

Ida: Hello radio world, the third golden scab has been found in Toronto, Ontario. Heather, may we have a word?

Heather: DON'T TALK TO ME DURING MY PEDICURE! Well, if you really want to know how I found my golden scab, here it is. My daddy bought thousands of containers of ice cream, and finally one of those lousy workers found the blasted golden scab. She tried to hide it, but my daddy stopped her, and she was immediately fired.

Ida (sarcastically): Isn't that just the nicest thing?

Ezekiel

Ida: ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE FOURTH GOLDEN SCAB HAS BEEN FOUND IN IQALUIT, NUNAVUT, LEAVING ONLY THE FINAL GOLDEN SCAB TO BE FOUND! Ezekiel, may we have a word?

Ezekiel: Ewww, I got a woman reporter?

Ida: What's that suppose to mean?

Ezekiel: Men are better at everything than women, including reporting.

Ida: COME HERE , YOU LITTLE B*STARD! (Ida begins mercilessly beating Ezekiel) TURN OFF THE CAMERA!

Day of the Tour

Beth: Well, today's the day of the tour, so this ice cream bar is my last hope. (she rips open the bar, and there's no golden scab) CRAP! (the rest of the wrapper falls off, revealing the final golden scab) Whoa, I did not see that coming. GRANDPA JOE! GRANDPA JOE! I DID IT! I DID IT!

Grandpa Joe: You finally went on the toilet?

Beth: NO! I FOUND THE LAST GOLDEN SCAB!

Grandpa Joe: YOU DID IT, BETH!

Beth: YEAH, LET'S GET TO THE FACTORY!

PART 2: CONKA'S FACTORY

Ida: Hello everyone, we're at the gates of Conka's factory, where the winners are about to enter.

Conka: Welcome everyone. Now for you to enter my factory, the winners need to eat their golden scabs.

All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

(the 5 winners reluctantly (except for Owen) eat their scabs)

Conka: OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! Now on with the tour.

The Chocolate Syrup Room

Conka: Please walk over this small bridge that goes over the chocolate syrup river as we enter the chocolate syrup room.

(Owen walks over last and the bridge shatters under his enormous weight, causing him to plunge into the chocolate syrup river)

Conka: Whoa, we got rid of you faster than I thought we would.

Owen: THIS IS AWESOM.......AHHHHHHHHH! (Owen is sucked into a whirlpool and shoved in a chocolate syrup bottle. A Hatchet-Loompa retrieves him and the other Hatchet-Loompas begin singing)

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-doo,

I've got a perfect puzzle for you!

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-dee,

If you are wise you'll listen to me.

(Owen walks in covered in chocolate)

Owen: What do you get when you eat nonstop?

Eating continuosly until you pop?

Where will you get if you're round and you're fat?

All: No restuarant will ever serve you!

Cuz you'll clog up all their toilets with poo.

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-dah!

If you stop eating you will go far!

You will live in happiness too!

Like the Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-doo!

Heather: That's a shocker........not! Hey Beth, how bout this, I'll pay you handsomely for all of your chocolate.

Beth: Sure!

Conka: Please step this way as we head to the Experimental Blueberry Topping room!

The Experimental Blueberry Topping Room

Conka: This is the Experimental Blueberry Topping room. We have an experimental blueberry topping, that starts very small so we can package more, then they grow larger when you put them on your ice cream. However there's a problem, and they start growing inside your stomach, just like Eva's eating disorder.

Eva: WHY YOU LITTLE!

(Eva jumps at Conka, but he moves out of the way, and Eva lands face-first in the blueberry topping and swallows alot, and Eva turns blue and begins getting larger)

Eva: What's happening?

Conka: The topping's growing inside of you, turning you into a blueberry. Hatchet-Loompas, please take her to the juicer.

(The Hatchet-Loompas take away Eva and other Hatchet-Loompas began singing)

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-doo!

I've got another puzzle for you!

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-dee!

If you are wise, you'll listen to me!

(Eva comes in, back to normal, except she's still blue)

Eva: What do you get when you have a bad temper?

Always making other people wimper?

Where will you get you beat everyone up?

All: No one will ever be your friend!

Maybe you can just pretend.

Hatchet-Loompa-doompa-dee-dah!

If you are calm then you will go far!

You will live in happiness too!

Like the Hatchet-Loompa-doompa-dee-doo!

Conka: Well then, on with the tour!

Caramel Drink Room

Chris: We are now in the Caramel Drink room! You drink it, then when you poop it out, that poop turns into a caramel-drenched sundae!

Heather: EWWW!

Beth: I think it's AWESOME! (Beth tears out Heather's eye, and eats her shoe, and then jumps into the drink, and a caramel-drenched ice cream sundae the size of Timbuktu floats to the surface)

Chris: Well, take Heather to the hospital, and, Hatchet-Loompas fish out Beth and sing her a song.

(The Hatchet-Loompas begin singing)

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-doo!

When ice creams sundaes are made from poo!

Hatcet-Loompa doompa-dee-dee!

Why do ice cream sundaes not come from pee?

Beth: What do you get when you're really dirt poor?

Having to eat what you scrape off the floor?

What do you get when you barely have a cent?

Hatchet-Loompas:Looks like you're future's in cement!

What do you have to say for yourself?

Hatchet-Loompa, doompa-dee-dah!

If you're not dirt poor you will go far!

You will live in happiness too!

Like the Hatchet-Loompa-doompa-dee-doo!

Chris:Well, Ezekiel, looks like you're the big winner!

PART 3: THE FINALE!

(All of a sudden, Chris and Ezekiel are back at the front of the factory)

Ezekiel: What do you mean I'm the winner!? I said NOTHING the whole tour!

Chris: Yes, but I like the quiet ones. And you did nothing, so you did nothing wrong. And that's what I'm looking for in an heir to my factory. Do you want it?

Ezekiel: Ok?

(All of a sudden, Chris begins singing)

Na-na-na-na! Na-na-na-na! Na-na-na-na-na!

Now Ezekiel makes,

everything he bakes,

satisfying and delicious!

Ezekiel: Talk about your childhood wishes!

Ezekiel's mother: You can even eat the dishes!

Hatchet-Loompas: Hatchet-Loompa doompa-de-doo!

I've got a........

Beth: YOU SEXIST B*STARD!

(Beth lunges at Ezekiel with a chainsaw and they go off-screen and the sound of a chainsaw roars, and then Beth crawls back on-screen, carrying Ezekiel's corpse in her mouth)

Chris: Well then, you get my factory!

Beth: Ok?

(All of a sudden, Chris begins singing)

Na-na-na-na!Na-na-na-na!Na-na-na-na-na!

Now Beth here makes,

everything she bakes,

satisfying and delicious!

Beth: Talk about your childhood wishes!

Grandpa Joe: You can even eat the dishes!

(Everyone else comes back onstage)

Hatchet-Loompas: Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-doo!

I've got a final puzzle for you!

Hatchet-Loompa doompa-dee-dee!

If you are wise, you'll listen to me!

There is a problem that makes us all sob!

Not everyone is willing to rob.

Willing to rob starts a beautiful buzz!

Isn't it nice when someone does!

It can be contagious!

Chris: Who can take an eye out?

Everyone else: Who can take an eye out?

Chris:

Everyone else: Who can eat a shoe?

All: Who can take a dum that's the size of Timbuktu?

Be-e-eth!

Chris: Beth!

All: Beth is the winner!

Chris: Beth is the winner!

All: Beth is the winner cuz she is the least rotten, and her heart is so kind!

Beth: And my heart's so kind cuz I don't have a,

ve-ry smart mind!

Everyone else: No......................smart......................mind!

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